Anonymous (United Methodist minister, underemployed as an 'out' lesbian, returned to the 'closet' to pursue an appointment)

ANONYMOUS
I was ordained deacon in 1968 and elder in 1971 and served in the United Methodist Church for 13 years before pursuing additional graduate study.  I came out to myself in the 1980's and with my partner raised two lovely children.  The cabinet in my conference found itself in a dilemma over my appointment.  Following church rules to the letter, they were required to appoint me, but they did not find a situation where they wanted to try it.  I lost count of the number of years that I was told "We have too many ministers," or "We have no place for you."

Finally I showed up at an annual conference with everything I owned on a moving truck ready to move to an appointment.  They decided that I was serious about doing ministry.  I realized that they were afraid to face charges of violating the Discipline, even though they were required to appoint me.  I helped create an appointment at a local church, and worked there receiving pay that increased from $6000 to $12000 a year, no benefits and no pension.

By the late 1990's I was single.  I thought that being single and celibate might be an advantage, but it made little difference.  I re-entered the closet to take an appointment, but I lived under constant fear someone would "tell" the people in the local church.  I felt totally isolated because part of being true to who I am is talking about the incredible forms of oppression that I feel in my church and in the horrible forms of biblical study and theology that support it.  I need to be able to speak and write about the injustices that abound, not only to unbind parishioners and people in society who are harmed by these things, but also to help free those who do the injustices.  They, too, expend a great deal of energy being bound by their fears.

Now I am serving another appointment.  I am free to pastor people of all persuasions, including GLBT persons.  I may speak freely from the pulpit but I may lose my congregation.  I am free to fall in love and be a celibate partner of someone of my same gender, but it could cost my appointment or my career or both.

What I have gained in this struggle with the church is faith forged in fire.  I know that God is love and that Jesus followed the way of love rather than the way of law.  I know that the mission of the church is not to "make disciples" of the Discipline, or disciples who give lip service to Jesus.  The mission of the church is to follow Jesus' example and do the work of love and justice in the world, to bind up the broken-hearted and bring release to those who have imprisoned themselves in their minds.

This anonymous stole was given to us in advance of the 2000 General Conference of the United Methodist Church in Cleveland, OH.  In 1999, the Reconciling Ministries Network (RMN) inquired about the possibility of having a display of the Shower of Stoles at the General Conference the following April.  At the time, there were only around twenty United Methodist stoles in the collection.  We decided to introduce the Shower of Stoles to the Reconciling community by bringing the twenty UM stoles and about a hundred others to RMN’s Convocation in Denton, TX over the Labor Day weekend.  Stoles started to trickle in during the fall, and by February they began coming in droves.  In all, we received 220 United Methodist stoles – the vast majority of them arriving within eight weeks of the Conference.  Thanks to a monumental effort by a number of volunteers who pitched in to help record, inventory, sew labels and make last-minute repairs, all of the new stoles were present in Cleveland.  Twenty more people brought stoles directly to Cleveland, bringing the total number on display to 240.

Towards the end of the General Conference, twenty eight lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender United Methodists and allies stood on the Conference floor in silent protest over the Conference’s failure to overturn the ban on LGBT ordination – a profound witness and act of defiance for which they were later arrested.  As these twenty eight moved to the front of the room, another 200 supporters stood up around the balcony railing, each wearing one of the new United Methodist stoles.  Hundreds more stood in solidarity as well, in the balcony and on the plenary floor, wearing symbolic “stoles” made from colorful bands of cloth.  A group of young people from Minneapolis, members of a Communicant’s Class, had purchased bolts of cloth the preceding evening and stayed up all night cutting out close to a thousand of these “stoles”.  In less than eight months, a handful of stoles had grown to become a powerful, visible witness to the steadfast faith of LGBT United Methodists nationwide.

Martha Juillerat
Founder, Shower of Stoles Project
2006