Anonymous ("I came out as a lesbian when I was seventeen -- just a couple of years after I first discussed my sense of call to the ministry with the youth pastor... at my church...")

ANONYMOUS

I came out as a lesbian when I was seventeen -- just a couple of years after I first discussed my sense of call to the ministry with the youth pastor who led the Methodist Youth Fellowship at my church.  After coming out, I stayed away from the church for a few years, believing that I would not be fully welcomed and that the church has too often stood on the side of injustice.  However, I never felt wholly apart from the church.  I returned to active participation in  wonderful congregations that welcomed my whole self, whole-heartedly.  Still, I set aside my sense of call, exploring other avenues of work, and hope that some other work would answer the call I felt.  This whole time, I was open about being lesbian in all areas of my life -- with my family, with all my friends, at my college, and at every job I have held.  I have never had to compromise being out -- until now.

My sense of call to the ministry never left me, always kept nagging at me, until I finally argued it out with God, and came to accept this calling with real joy.  The power of that call and the depth of my roots in the Methodist tradition have led me to where I am today:  a United Methodist clergywoman, currently serving my first appointment.

I love the church and I love being a pastor, but I wonder all the time how long I will be able to do this.  What is the cost to myself -- and to my partner?  Do I have integrity if I am not "out?"  Will I recognize it when the cost is too high?  I know that I hold back some part of my energy from my congregation, from fear of not being safe.  The closet robs the church of my full ministry.

I am submitting this stole anonymously, because of the United Methodist policy that says that I cannot be ordained nor serve as a pastor in this denomination.  I look forward to the day when my name can be attached to this stole.

This anonymous stole was given to us in advance of the 2000 General Conference of the United Methodist Church in Cleveland, OH.  In 1999, the Reconciling Ministries Network (RMN) inquired about the possibility of having a display of the Shower of Stoles at the General Conference the following April.  At the time, there were only around twenty United Methodist stoles in the collection.  We decided to introduce the Shower of Stoles to the Reconciling community by bringing the twenty UM stoles and about a hundred others to RMN’s Convocation in Denton, TX over the Labor Day weekend.  Stoles started to trickle in during the fall, and by February they began coming in droves.  In all, we received 220 United Methodist stoles – the vast majority of them arriving within eight weeks of the Conference.  Thanks to a monumental effort by a number of volunteers who pitched in to help record, inventory, sew labels and make last-minute repairs, all of the new stoles were present in Cleveland.  Twenty more people brought stoles directly to Cleveland, bringing the total number on display to 240.

Towards the end of the General Conference, twenty eight lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender United Methodists and allies stood on the Conference floor in silent protest over the Conference’s failure to overturn the ban on LGBT ordination – a profound witness and act of defiance for which they were later arrested.  As these twenty eight moved to the front of the room, another 200 supporters stood up around the balcony railing, each wearing one of the new United Methodist stoles.  Hundreds more stood in solidarity as well, in the balcony and on the plenary floor, wearing symbolic “stoles” made from colorful bands of cloth.  A group of young people from Minneapolis, members of a Communicant’s Class, had purchased bolts of cloth the preceding evening and stayed up all night cutting out close to a thousand of these “stoles.”  In less than eight months, a handful of stoles had grown to become a powerful, visible witness to the steadfast faith of LGBT United Methodists nationwide.

Martha Juillerat
Founder, Shower of Stoles Project
2006