Manna for the Journey Vol 1 No 4 - Our Families

Manna for the Journey Vol 1 No 4 - Our Families

1

4

1986

Spring

VOL. 1, NO.4 0 JOURNAL OF THE RECONCILING CONGREGATION PROGRAM 0 SPRING 1986
INSIDE THIS ISSUE:
The Family of God .... .................. .. 3
by Ben Roe
Counseling with Gay and Lesbian Couples
.... . . ....... .... ........... ..... . . 13
by Dorothy Gager
Scenes from a Journey .. . . . 6
by Frank Smith
fV
The Reconciling Congregation
Program is a VOL. 1, NO.4 0 JOURNAL OF THE RECONCILING CONGREGATION PROGRAM 0 SPRING 1986
network of United Methodist
local churches who publicly affirm their ministry with the whole family of God and who welcome lesbians and gay men into their community. In this network, Reconciling Congregations fi nd strength and support as they strive to overcome the divisions caused by prejudice and homophobia in our church and in our society. These congregations strive to offer the hope that the church can be a reconciled community.
To enable local churches to engage in these ministries, the program provides resource materials, including Manna for the Journey. Enablers are available locally to assist a congregation which is seeking to become a Reconciling Congregation.
Information about the program can be obtained by writing:
Reconciling Congregation
Program
P.O. Box 24213
Nashville, TN 37202
Manna for the Journey is published by Affirmation: United Methodists for Lesbian and Gay Concerns as a resource for the Reconciling Congregation Program. It seeks to address concerns of lesbians and gay men as they relate to the ministry of the church.
Contributing to This Issue Mark Bowman Ben Roe Judy Cayot Martha Rutland-Mary Gaddis Wallis Dorothy Gager Bradley Rymph Jeanne Knepper Elizabeth Smith Alice Knotts Frank Smith Fred Methered Mike Underhill Julie Morrissey Graphic artist:
Beth Richardson Brenda Roth
Manna for the Journey is published four times a year. Subscription is $10 for four issues. Single copies are available for $3 each. Permission to reprint is granted upon request. Reprints of certain articles are available as indicated in the issue. Subscriptions and correspondence should be sent to:
Manna for the Journey
P.O. Box 23636
Washington, D.C. 20026
Copyright 1986 by Affirmation: United Methodists for Lesbian and Gay Concerns.
Contents
The wordfamily originates from a Sanskrit word meaning household. Family means all the people living in the same household. As a family of God, we are a multicolored, multigifted, unique collection of households. Each of us are children of God, which makes us a part of that larger unit: the household of God.
Our families are diverse. We are families with gay, lesbial), and bisexual children. We are families with gay or lesbian parents. We are families of gay or lesbian lovers or partners. We are families of single adults living together. We are single parents and parents living apart from our children. We are married and divorced and single and young and old.
We celebrate, in this issue of Manna/or the Journey, the diversity of our families, and thus the family of God. Ben Roe opens with a theological reflection on "The Family 0/God" (p. 3~.
Three articles reflect on the experience of coming out in a family situation. In "Scenes on a Journey" (p .. 6), Frank Smith shares his learning and growth as the father of a lesbian. Elizabeth Smith responds t9 his story in a "Letter to Dad" (p. 8). Fred Methered's "Out-At Last"
(p. 15) reflects upon his coming out in the later years of his life.
Judy Cayot and Mike Underhill write about their personal experiences as lesbian and gay parents. "Joys and Frustrations 0/a Lesbian Parent" (p. 9), by Cayot, tells of her family's transition to a new lifestyle, their journey together to be a family that is nonhomophobic and open. Underhill deals with the cultural tensions of being a gay father in "Nurturing Children: A Gay Father's Perspective" (p. 11).
"Counseling with Gay and Lesbian Couples " (p. 13) by Dorothy Gager, reflects on the similarities and differences in therapy with gay and lesbian clients. Martha Rutland-Wallis presents an overview of the local church's "Opportunities/or Ministry" to the special families that include gay men, lesbians, and bisexual persons (p. 17).
Also in this issue is a short bibliography of books helpful for ministry with families in RESOURCES (p. 24). In SUSTAINING THE SPIRIT (p. 19), Jeanne Knepper and Alice Knotts offer a liturgical reflection on Pentecost for a family setting. (Both are Ph.D. students in religion and social change at Iliff School of Theology and the University of Denver, where Knepper is currently chairperson of the Iliff Community Senate and Knotts is a national vice-president of the Methodist Federation for Social Action from the Rocky Mountain chapters. They are both parents, each with a 12-year-old daughter.) The RCP REPORT brings us up to date on the activities of the Reconciling Congregation Program, as well as current events in gay and lesbian issues in the church (p. 21).
May this issue on "Our Families" open doors for the nurture and care of our diverse households. Peace to you in this season.
ISSN 0884-8327 2/Mal/flO for the Jow7Iey
when homosexuality becomes
by
Ben Roe strengthened, knowledge expanded,
known. The truth of who a gay or lesbian person is can clash severely with favored notions about sex. uality, morality, and spirituality. Sometimes the notions win, and the gay, lesbian, or bisexual son or daughter must find family elsewhere. As one of my friends puts it, what could have been family becomes only relatives. So lesbian and gay people often have to take a hard look at what "family" means. . Non-gay/lesbian family members also face painful difficulties. The social stigma faced by lesbian/ gay folk is also shared to a degree. When gay persons come out to family, many families go into the closet, often having no one to share their struggle with, feeling the same isolation theiilesbian/gay
,family member felt.
Often a family's reaction follows the traditional grief process. After all, there is usually a sense of loss: of an image, expectation, interpretation, dream, hope. Different
and adjustments made so that each
families react differently, some
Ben Roe is a United Methodist minister. pasfamily
member comes out a true
more intensely than others. Denial,
toral counselor, educator, and executive director
winner. There is a closeness, openas
the first stage of grief, can last
ofMinistry in Human Sexuality, a counseling,
ness, and honest caring that facilyears,
even after disclosure occurs:
education, and advocacy agency in Lincoln,
itates growth in everyone. "Family,"
"Oh no! You can't be gay!" Shock is
Nebraska.
then ideally means a high quality
common: "We've lost our child." of interpersonal relationships.
INumbness and confusion are n my work as a pastoral counThis
kind of "Walton's Mounnormal.
selor, I see over and over the
tain" or "Cosby Show" family is
Bargaining is another common importance of the family in
rare, I suspect, and most of us have
reaction or stage: "Is our child our lives.
at least some "unfinished business"
(brother/sister) really gay?" "You It is in the close quarters and
relating to some aspect of our own
need a psychiatrist to change you." close daily contacts of the family in
family of origin.
Bribery and threats are sometimes which we grow up that we learn
The contrast between the ideal
used to try to bargain away the how to live and relate with other
reality. people. It is there that we learn how
and the reality ofa given family can
be extremely painful. Alcoholism
Anger is also common as part of to look at the world, how to comand
other chemical dependency;
this process: "If you loved us, municate, and what to expect from
physical, emotional, and sexual
you'd ..." "You're only doing this to life and other people.
abuse; and mental illness all have
hurt us."
Families can be the kind of
dynamics that make the reality of a
Sadness or depression may model human community that
given family's life particularly painneed
to be moved through, as well. generates emotional and spiritual
ful. Instead of preparing each
A family member can feel the sadhealth. Such families are loving,
member for more full and effective
ness of the losses. Perhaps there optimistic, and warm. They have
participation in life, a family may
will be sharing of the painful that "just right" balance of hucompromise
growth potentials, unrealities
that can go with being gay manness-not too perfect, but "good
dermine and sap coping resources,
or lesbian. Perhaps there will be enough." They are perfectly human,
or fail to facilitate their developdifficulties
with other family modeling forgiveness, grace, and
ment altogether.
members. flexibility when mistakes are made,
The pain of real-life family exFortunately,
in many or most and showing commitment to strugperience
is often accentuated with
cases, there eventually is a growing gling through differences to resoluthe
issue of homosexuality. Ifopensense
of acceptance: "Yes, my son/ tion. These are the families where
ness and honesty were present brother is gay," or "My daughter/
each challenge is met, coping skills before, they may simply disappear (continued on next page)
Manna for the Jowney / 3
will is desired and done.
The Family' of God (continued)
finally turning more intentionally
sister is lesbian," maybe including
In Galatians 4, Paul uses the
to forms of worship, prayer, and
image of adoption as sons and
a sense of pride at the accommeditation.
Finally, we find ourplishments
in the face of some daughters of God in describing selves recognizing a sense of sonadversity.
how the relationship with God ship or daughtership-co-creatorchanges
for believers. I like to think
ship. The biological, legal, and social of the change being one of invitaThere
are many instances where
tion, acknowledgement, and weldefinition
of "family," howthe
faithful in an established relicome:
potentially all people can live
gion either had difficulty accepting,
ever,is not the,wholeistory.\There1is
as sons and daughters ofthe Creator.
or refused to accept, those outside
a psychologicaJ and spiritual meaning
of "family" that can be helpful.
their definition, their particular
The invitation is constantly exunderstanding,
of religion or famAnd,
for Christian believers, there
tended. The only thing needed to be
welcome in God's family is for one
ily. There were the outcasts who
is an additional, profoundly rich
to recognize God's parenthood and
responded to Jesus: the tax collecmeaning
to "family."
one's sonship or daughtership.
tor disciple, the Samaritan woman
There is a vast difference beat
the well, the leper who desired
tween the idea of "family" as
Over and over Paul's message is
healing, the woman pouring expennuclear
(father, mother, children
that there is no way to win favor
sive oil over Jesus' feet, and Zacliving
together) and the family in
with God: the only thing required is
to allow the Spirit to "move in us"
chaeus. Jesus didn't turn aside. He
Hebrew culture. The family was a
enabling us to respond to God's
engaged each in the way that was
central part of Hebrew culture,
including many beyond blood relmost
healing for each. The Bible
love.
atives: slaves, foreigners, hired serGod's
initiative and our respeaks
of those excluded in society
vants. The family was so meaningsponse
to God is the key to membeing
included in God's family.
bership in this family.
ful that it was used as an image for
God's love reaches out to include
This family is not based on
both the tribes and nations of Israel
those exiled by their society. There
and Judah and for Israel's covenant
accomplishment, appearance, good
are also numerous times God has
grades, or "merit" of any kind.
challenged us to expand our definicommunity
with God.
Jesus' use of the word "Father"
God's family is based on acknowltion
of faith.
This inclusion ofthe "excluded"
to refer to God implied a new closeedgement
of God's being our loving
creator, a creator who cares for us
ness, "simplicity and directness of
in family can have special meaning
as a parent for a child, and God's
for gay and lesbian folk. The rejecapproach
to God"* and took the
Jewish use of "Father" to a new
being co-creator with those who retion
they often experience is not
spond. This family is characterized
just of behavior, like a troublesome
depth of relationship and intimacy.
by a high quality of relationship.
adolescence or difficulties with
Jesus" use of I "my Father's
This family begins with God's
parents or job, but of a basic part of
house" in Luke 2, for instance imlove
always being there for usidentity-
the way a person is.
mediately deepened and expanded
constant, urging, coaxing, inviting
The resolution of problems
the meaning of the family of God,
us into a more open, active relaopen
to non-gay/lesbian people is
particularly in the context of the
tionship. We experience momennot
open to gay/lesbian people:
yearly "family outing," the visit to
tary self-affirmation and recognize
once one's homosexual (or bisexthe
temple.
it as a gift of true grace, and we
ual) orientation is disclosed, cerIn
our times of greater concern
might utter a little "Thank you,
tain options of employment are
for equality ofwomen and men, we
God." Paul would say this is God's
closed, no matter how hard one
need to note that it is the depth,
spirit moving us to call out "Abbaworks
(such as ordained ministry
intimacy, and closeness that is
Father," or "Mother" or simply
or teaching). One can never be
important in the term "Father," not
"God."
integrated into what John Forthe
gender of the term. Now, for
tunato calls the "mythic system"some,
"Mother" could also connote
the idea that we are in control of
This is the beginning of faith,
this closeness.
our own lives-that if we work
For Jesus, the idea of the family
when we are enabled to interhard,
and do the right things, we
pret our experience of self-affirmais
not biological. Matthew 12:47-50
can be in charge, get more power,
tion as a gift of grace. From there
contains the story of Jesus gesturwe
can be on an ascending spiral:
more money, more rewards. **
ing to his disciples, saying, "These
And so lesbians, gay men, and
we wonder about where that grace
are my mother and my brothers
their families must go deeper in
came from, we wonder if God was
and sisters. Whoever does God's
somehow involved, then we decide
will is my brother, sister, and
to look into it more or be open
mother." And, in Luke 8:21, Jesus
*The Interpreter's Dictionary of the Bible
more. We might decide to pass on
declares, "Those who hear the word
(Nashville: Abingdon Press, 1962), vol. 2, p.
the grace in a small way. And our
of God and act upon it are my
433.
action helps confirm our beginning
mother, sister, and brother." Family
**John Fortunato, Embracing the Exile: Healfaith.
We recognize God's involvebecomes
based on a close relationing
Journeys of Gay Christians (New York:
ment in our lives in many ways,
Seabury Press, 1982). ships with God, so close that God's
4 / Manna for the JOu/lIey
faith, in claiming a place in the broadest family of all, the family of God.
What would it look like for a church to be this kind of family? John Fortunato suggests:
When you are sitting and looking into the face of the mystery, when you are overcome with awe and gratitude and joy for the overwhelming everythingness ofGod, and you feel like an empty vessel being filled to oveiflowing with love, the sexual preference of the person next to you is just nothing. It doesn't matter at all. What matters is that you are both there, looking, worshipping, and being loved by love. Anything else is a distraction. (p. 108) Translating that into our day-today
experience as a Christian community, it would mean:
•
a sensitivity to a member having difficulty, without rushing either to judge or "fix" the problem;
•
listening actively, sensitively, and lovingly for the person to grow in their faith a bit more;
•
a deep level of acceptance of each member at his or her own particular point in the personal faith journey;
•
actively looking for the gifts and graces of each person and actively recognizing and appreciating them, not for what the person does or doesn't do, but for who the person is;
•
actively seeking to learn about the difference among people and how the Gospel can be spoken to them;
•
learning about the different stages of faith development, so that folks could be met where they are.
In order for our churches to be more this kind of family, we might have to challenge some of the assumptions our culture hasabout the place of faith, religion, and spirituality and about the diversity of the gift of sexuality and its expression. But these things are already part of what ·is the best in our tradition, and things that express the best of our Christian spirit.
-
Homosexuality: A Family Issue
"I'\is letter from the November 1984 issue ofengage/social action expresses well
~ the purpose for this issue ofManna for the Journey. The church has often failed in its ministry to families that have concerns related to homosexuality. What would it take to fill the void ofmissed opportunity for ministry?
I liked your issue on the family very much, and am so thankful to see the "mainline" church taking the offensive and claiming a positive family ministry. I am as tired as anyone of the Religious Right claiming the exclusive use to the word "family." I especially appreciated the variety of concerns, including economics, day care, adult dependent care, etc.
In an earlier issue, you reviewed the issue of homosexuality as it was raised at the General Conference. For a long time, I have believed that this issue might be looked atfirst andforemost by mainline churches as a family issue. This is the important point that Parents & Friends of Gays & Lesbians tries not to tire of making. The Religious Right always attempts to pit the cause of the rights of gays and lesbians over against the cause of family and unity and hannony. This is a very destructive strategy and, unfortunately, often a successful one.
The ministry to the family vis-a-vis homosexuality seems particularly relevant to the sections of the General Conference statement on "Ministries Within Families and Between Family Members" and "Ministries to Families in Need." In the long laundry list of possible situations and problems, the family issues related to homosexuality are glaringly missing (I am not unaware ofjust why that might be).
My parents are United Methodists. I wish that their local church, which they have loved and served for more than 30 years, could have been of real comfort and genuine help to them as they struggled through the truth of my gayness. But instead, it isolated them, increased their fears, and left them to fend for themselves on this issue.
It has taken us nearly 10 years to repair our otherwise warm and secure relationship-and we had to do it without the help of the United Methodist Church. That is tragic. I am sure that in the church they belong to, there are dozens, even scores, of other parents of gays and lesbians who might have been able to really help each other mend and grow. What a tremendous loss for them and for the whole church.
This is not even to mention the fact that gays and lesbians grow up and make families of our own-some fairly traditional, some not. Probably before we could ever even begin to be welcomed, the church needs to welcome hearing the needs of those parents and siblings who suffer in isolation.
On a positive note, the church could learn tremendous things from folks like my parents. The story of how our family got torn up and healed in dealing with this issue is a miracle story, one of hope, reconciliation, love and courage. The church could learn how to embrace gays and lesbians by learning from families who have embraced their gay sons and daughters. That is an incredible resource right under our noses that we are not daring enough to use.
I'm proud of both my families-the one who nurtured me as a child, and who stuck with me through transitions; and my new family, a relationship (seven years strong) with a woman and a world-wide Metropolitan Community Church family. It is my hope and prayer that the church will continue to struggle to be able to embrace the gifts of family experiences like mine and millions of other folks.
The Rev. Nancy Wilson, Los Angeles, CA
Reprinted by permission from engage/social action. November 1984. pp. 45-46.
lV/alllla for the ' OUl71ey /5
·
. Frank Smith is the pastor o/Grace United Methodist Church in Miami, Florida.
We were stunned. My wife read the letter and then handed it to me without saying a word. Our daughter, Elizabeth, who was a student at New York University, had written a long letter explaining that she was a lesbian.
We were shocked, hurt, confused, mortified. It was as though our personhood and character had been attacked, if not destroyed.
She was our oldest child, bright and eager, had been interested in medicine since she was a child, and would be getting her B.S. in Nursing and her
R.N. We loved her and were proud of her.
And then that letter: We felt wiped out, not knowing which way to turn. Even so, something told me that we should call Elizabeth right then and assure her of our love. We did so, but the conversation was extremely awkward. The words were terribly halting. Nevertheless, I felt a little better afterwards. At least the lines of communication were open.
Elizabeth came home soon after that, and the three of us spent an evening talking. The air was charged. Each of us was angry. It was as though she expected us to understand fully and completely accept her position right then and there! And her mother and I responded by saying all the wrong things. We wanted to know why she couldn't be "'normal." Where had we as parents gone wrong? And so on.
She gave us books to read. I felt imposed upon. One of the books was Sappho Was a Right-On Woman. It was about lesbian bars and assignations there and about hard, tough women. The book turned my stomach, and it was all I could do to get through it. All the time though, I assured myself that surely this wasn't our Elizabeth! She must be testing us.
She also gave us a brochure about an organization called Parents of Gays (POG). I read it and laid it aside. Months later, I read the leaflet again and decided to visit the group nearest me. By this time, my wife and I had separated (not because of . Elizabeth), and I had moved from our suburban home in New Jersey to an apartment in Manhattan. The New York Parents of Gays met on Sunday afternoon at Metropolitan Duane United Methodist Church in Greenwich Village.
There were about 20 or 30 people there, mostly parents, including two or three gay men and a few sons and daughters. One father, a doctor, also there for the first time, was convinced that homosexuality was a psychological problem that could and should be cured. Others tried to help him accept his son's homosexuality as natural. I didn't agree with the doctor, but neither was I comfortable with the idea of homosexuality being perfectly natural.
I went back to POG several times, once with Elizabeth. The meeting we attended together was just prior to the annual Gay Pride Parade in Manhattan. POG was going to march in the parade, and those who were willing to participate were asked to raise their hands. My hand did not go up. Before the week was over, though, I called Elizabeth and told her I had decided to march. I expected her to be elated, but she was very matter-of-fact and said perhaps she would see me there.
When the parade was forming in the Village and we were getting ready to march up Fifth Avenue, along came Elizabeth and her lover Annie bounding up. They hugged and kissed me and joined the Parents' group. The three of us marched arm-in-arm up Fifth Avenue.
In the Village, there were large crowds of young adults who applauded and cheered the Parents' group. Along the way, we gave out POG literature, and many of these young people were delighted to get a brochure to send to their parents.
After that day, I participated in several other Gay Pride Parades in New York, though there never was another one quite as exhilarating as that first with Elizabeth and Annie. I have to be honest and admit though it was much easier for me to participate in Gay Pride Parades in the relative anonymity of New York City, where I served as a General Board of Global Ministries staff person, than it would be now as a pastor in Miami.
About this time, another significant event happened. Joan Clark, a staff person in the Women's Division of the General Board, had made public statements about her lesbianism. Consequently, several members of the General Board were pushing for her dismissal from the staff. At a spring meeting
6 / Manna for the Journey
by
Frank Smith
of the General Board, Clark's situation was debated, and it was voted that she be dismissed from her position. During the meeting, while the Women's Division was going through that difficult process, I met one of their directors (a good friend of mine) in the hall. She spoke of the ordeal they were experiencing, and I shared very briefly with her that I was experiencing some of that pain and growth myself.
A few days later, back in my office, I received a phone call from a Women's Division staff person saying that they were going to hold two workshops on human sexuality in which homosexuality would be discussed. She further asked me to serve as a resource person. I was astounded! I replied that I had only recently begun what I was sure would be a long journey and that I had no wisdom or expertise to share. She persisted, however, and I reluctantly agreed. A few days later she called back and asked if I thought Elizabeth would be willing to participate. I was pleased-in fact, excited-when Elizabeth said she would.
When Elizabeth and I arrived at the Catholic Retreat Center in the Bronx, where the first workshop was to be held, she said to me, "I feel like I'm going into a lion's den!" I said, "No, it won't be like that." And it wasn't.
Our part on the program the next morning took place in a fish-bowl arrangement. Elizabeth and I, together with Affirmation leader Michael Collinsand Kim Porter, a good friend from Florida-were in the fish bowl. Women's Division staff and directors encircled us.
Elizabeth spoke with emotion but clarity. I remember Elizabeth saying that she probably expected too much of her mother and me too quickly; and, since her parents were "so-called liberals," she thought that we could handle the fact that she was homosexual!
I remember saying that, when her mother and I first received Elizabeth's news, we agreed that we mustn't tell Granny. Granny wouldn't be able to handle it. As if we were! I also struggled to remember a quotation from Shakespeare that my colleague, Beverly Chain, helped me to recall:
Let me not to the m arriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alterations finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
(1l6th Sonnet)
I did not want my love for Elizabeth to alter.
The warmth and acceptance that Elizabeth
and I received in that workshop were wonderful.
Every once in a while now, nearly seven years
later, I see someone who was at that workshop,
and she will ask me, "How is Elizabeth?"
At another time, I saw a notice that the Kirkridge
Retreat Center in Pennsylvania was
having a weekend session on "The Christian
Faith and Homosexuality." I figured that this
I
would help me in my understanding of Elizabeth
and in my relationship with her. So I went. The
leadership was outstanding: feminist Episcopalian
theologian Carter Hayward, Roman
Catholic theologian John McNeill, feminist evangelical
writer Virginia Ramey Mollenkott, and
others.
As it turned out, I was one of the very few
"straight" persons there. It was basically a group
of gay men and lesbians worshiping together and
enjoying being together and the freedom of being
themselves.
In small groups, we each went around a circle
briefly telling our stories. When it was my turn, J
said that my daughter was a lesbian and that I
wanted to relate to her with understanding and
that was why I had come. The young woman leading
the group jumped up and hugged me and said
she wished so much that her father were open to
her. Then she and I both wept.
Idon't know how to analyze or evaluate these experiences.
And I certainly don't know how to
advise other parents of lesbians and gay men. I simply
know that that I am grateful that we didn't allow
the shock of learning that Elizabeth is a lesbian to
come between us and separate us. Elizabeth is a sensitive,
caring person whom I love and admire. I thank
God daily that she is my daughter and friend. And I
also thank God that, through Elizabeth, I have had
the opportunity to shed the demeaning and debilitating
baggage of homophobia.
Manna for the Joumey /7
!-Dear
Dad,
The honesty and love you've expressed in the above account exemplifies what a special person you are. With several years' perspective, I am much more appreciative of those qualities in you than I was when I came out to you and Mom.
About a year passed between the time I began confronting my own homosexuality and my initial discussion about it with you. That year became more and more awkward and painful because I felt like I was withholding an important part of myself from you. I was living a lie. I did not want to have such big secrets, and I could not imagine a lifetime of concealment. It became clear that I had no choice but to tell you. You had to know, for my peace of mind.
I was extremely anxious about telling you I am a lesbian. At worst, it meant suffering your disapproval of me. At best, we would need to deal with the normal reactions of bewilderment, anger, guilt, and withdrawal. I felt responsible to make you understand, and that was a tall order! And yet, deep down, I knew what I had always known. You loved me, and nothing could change that.
Values that you and Mom taught and lived included the willingness to love all kinds of people and the abhorrence of discrimination. Because of these values, I expected you to have little trouble accepting my lesbianism. Oh, I knew that there would be an initial "adjustment period," but I thought it would last minutes instead of months!
Needless to say, my expectations were quite high. What I imagined would be an awkward but satisfying discussion turned into an unsatisfying child-parent battle. You didn't understand, and I had no patience. I forgot to consider that it had taken me time to come to terms with this myself, and you deserved at least as much time. Our talk didn't go as I had planned, but I still felt tremendously relieved when it was over. I had taken an important step.
There were awkward moments over the next several months. I felt uncomfortable explaining my feelings to you, Dad. But I knew I was very lucky because you are the kind of person who wants to understand. I even resented, at times, that I needed to help "educate" you. I wanted you to magically understand and accept everything!
The first Gay Pride Day Parade was a turning point. When you told me that you would be marching in the parade with Parents of Gays, I was matter-of-fact. Somehow, it seemed like a perfectly usual thing for a loving father to do. You had certainly marched for plenty of other good causes over the years! I also remember thinking that, if you marched, I would be obliged to march with you in appreciation. Being newly in love with Annie, and this being my first year in the parade, I was terribly excited-and not so sure if I wanted to share that excitement with you. (It pains me to make these admissions; I thought I was so mature.) I spent the evening before the march with some friends talking about the next day. Their reaction to your marching was what you had probably expected from me. They helped me begin to realize what a special day it would be.
The day was truly extraordinary. Thousands of people gathered at the starting point, and Annie and I excitedly searched for Parents of Gays. It didn't take us long to spot you. Immediately I was filled with love, pride, and joy at our togetherness. As we marched up Fifth Avenue, no other organization in the parade was cheered and applauded as strongly. The crowds and television crews realized how special it was. It was exhilarating! Many gay men and lesbians thanked you and the other parents for marching and said they only wished their parents could do the same. I had always taken your love and acceptance for granted and that day helped me develop a much deeper appreciation for you. One of my most treasured possessions is a photograph that was taken that day of the three of us. In that picture, you are holding a sign that says, "We love our gay children." Today I am just a bit wiser and a great deal more aware. Most of all, I am thankful of how lucky I am to know this kind of love.
Love, Elizabeth
is a hospice "Ii Elizaheth Smith
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by Judy Cayot
Judy Cayot is the director ofa child-care program. She is a healer, a workerfor justice, and sometimes actress and singer.
In the summer of 1981, after 10 years of marriage and 5 years as a single parent, I met and fell in love with _a woman who became my first female lover. At that time, my daughters were 12V2 and 9 years old. Their needs have always concerned me as I have "come out" to myself, my family, and others. How are their lives affected by the changes in my life? What have they lost, what have they gained, by having a lesbian mother? How do they, how do we together, deal with the homophobia that is in all our lives?
When I first was coming out, I talked with them about my growing understanding of my own sexuality because I felt they deserved clear, honest statements about the nature of my relationship with my lover. I wanted a home without secrets, hidden emotions, or the tensions they create. They needed to know that they could talk with me about their feelings-friendly or ugly-without being judged. And I was excited about my new sense of self and wanted to share my happiness. I let them know whom in the family I had talked to, so they wouldn't have to wonder who knew. I talked to their father to relieve them of the burden of "keeping my secret" when they were with him. Fortunately, we have had acceptance in our family. I know other lesbian mothers who have been threatened with, or have experienced, the loss of custody of their children because of heterosexlst exhusbands and other relatives. Often gay and lesbian parents are not even allowed visitation rights.
M. (older daughter) and H. (younger daughter) have responded differently to my being lesbian.* The first year, they both seemed to accept it with little change of attitude or feeling toward me. As M. grew into her teens, she became angry and hurt by my lifestyle. She told me once that she didn't like my lover spending so much time at our house because her friends were asking, "Why is she there so much?" M. did not want to explain. I assured her that when I "came out" to friends, I was scared of their reactions but always ended up being supported by them. Her response was, "But your friends aren't 15." It was true. Being a teenager and being "different" is hard. And, if your mom is different, you are different. Fortunately, as M. is moving into adulthood and becoming clear about her own sexuality, she again is becoming more relaxed and accepting in her relationship with me and my lover/partner.
Other problems can face lesbian or gay couples and their children outside of the family circle in general society. We have had to deal with a broad variety of issues that probably confront all lesbian or gay parents and their children: How do churches, schools, and other community agencies relate to families with lesbian or gay parents? Are both parents encouraged to come to parent-teacher conferences? Who can attend the PTA meetings? When my daughter's school has Open House and my lover goes with me, how should she get introduced to the teacher? Is there a support system that sustains families such as ours through tough times? When we all go to church, are we considered a familyencouraged to participate in family events? Who speaks up when children at the day-care center where I work use "fag" and "lessie" as put downs?
The schools and churches should understand that these problems are all of ours. The community's educational, counseling, religious, and other service organizations must begin addressing the needs of children of lesbian or gay parents and the heterosexism that creates and contributes to those needs.
Children of lesbians or gay men need support, information, and a variety of adult role models. Isolation, i.e., feeling that "we're" the only ones, is, perhaps, the hardest thing. To whom do you talk when nobody talks about homosexuality except to put it down? Knowledge of sexuality in general, including objective information about homosexuality, is sadly lacking for our children. As far as I know, my children had no resources, no frame of reference in which to deal with lesbianism, when I first came out-except a loving family. I am glad my children now have role models who are gay, straight, female, male, single, and "coupled." They learn that there are many ways to relate to others-that differing lifestyles are a healthy part of life.
My children and I have been fortunate to have the family and friends that we have. Lesbian and gay parents can't "do it all alone" any more than other parents can. The community must acknowledge the needs of children of lesbians and gay men and create a better, more open flow of information and support for
(continued on next page)
* I have decided not to include the names ofmy children in this article. I do not wish, at this time, to force them to "come out" as openly as this article would be iftheir names were printed. They need to choose their own times and ways to come out as children ofa lesbian mother.
Manna for the .Towney / 9
Joys and Frustrations (continued)
these children and their parents. The churches could
lead the way in this endeavor. Instead, they seem to be
taking gigantic steps backwards into oppressive, legalistic
attitudes of a former day.
I often consider how my life has affected my daughters.
They have lost a certain innocence of childhood
where there is no "hard stuff' to deal with. But they also
have gained an ability to work through difficult times.
H. almost lost a trip to Alaska when she was 10. My sister had arranged for H. to visit her in Anchorage before I came out to her. When I did so, I received a letter from my sister that shocked and surprised me. She considered homosexuality a sin. Although she didn't approve of my lifestyle, she wanted to continue to love me as her sister. I almost didn't let H. go visit her aunt because I was afraid my sister would try to influence H.'s feelings toward me. But, in the end, I trusted my sister's love and common sense and the strength of my relationship with H., and sent her off for a wonderful two-week visit.
Very recently, I realized that my daughters and I had all lost something very important (at least for a time). When I came out, I stopped a lot of my communication with my ex-in-laws. I love my children's grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, but I let go of them because it was "easier" than coming out to them. I let my connection with them become very distant, and M. and H.'s did also. That was not intentional on my part, but it happened. Their grandmother died recently. It was only then that I realized how much we all had lost over the last five years. How sad that my own internalized homophobia and fear of it in others contributed to that loss.
What have my children gained? They have a mother who is happy with herself; a greater openness to dealing with sexuality in general; knowledge that they have choices in life; a better understanding of intolerance and how fear feeds intolerance.
A friend asked me, "How do you raise children to be nonhomophobic?" My first response was, "I have no idea." But now, I see clearly, one raises children to be nonhomophobic and nonheterosexist in the same way one raises them to be nonracist and nonsexist. Children must learn first to value themselves; to feel good about whoever they are; to know that they have choices in their lives about work, loving, and relationships. One helps them learn not to be afraid to question, to recognize fear in themselves and to name it. One teaches them to respect others, to appreciate what is similar about us all and that which is different and to celebrate both. Finally, one tries to be and to act according to personal beliefs.
Jwant to be honest with myself and with my children. I want to be clear with them about my sexuality and my life choices. Finally, I want them to know that I feel good about who I am and who they are; that it is OK for me to love women and it is also OK for them to struggle with that. I want us to share the joys, pains, frustrations, and victories. That is how we all learn to be more human.
Parents FLAG Groups
The Federation of Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, Inc. (Parents FLAG, or PFLAG), was officially formed in 1981. Groups of parents had been meeting around the country since the first groups of parents met in New York in1973. The primary objective of Parents FLAG is "to help parents and their Gay children to understand and love one another, and to offer mutual support wherever it is needed." (from "About Our Children," p. 12)
Although parents of gay men and lesbians comprise most of the members of Parents FLAG, other relatives, friends, gay men, and lesbians are active members.
There are 65 Parent FLAG groups in the country (at least one in every state), and many single contacts in areas where there are not groups. These groups and individuals help each other learn about the concerns and needs of their gay children and friends. Rap groups are held across the country, and many of the local groups sponsor a crisis phone line. Parents FLAG is available to furnish speakers for organizational events and has a thorough list of resources on gay and lesbian issues.
National Convention
A national convention of Parents FLAG is held once a year. These conventions are held in different locations across the country. The next Parents FLAG convention will be September 19-21, 1986, in Portland, Oregon. This event will provide a place for networking, support, and education. Workshop topics at the event will include religion, AIDS, coming out to families, youth groups, and much more. For more information, contact the Parents FLAG national office (listed below) or the convention chairperson, Thelma, at 503-223-5293.
Starting a PFLAG Group
One of the primary objectives of Parents FLAG is to enable more local groups to be formed. Parents FLAG has sent mailings to such diverse groups as university dorm directors, nursing schools, and 90,000 local
churches across the United States. (Included in this church mailing were a large number of United Methodist congregations.)
Local churches can be an important catalyst for the beginnings of support and caring for parents and friends of lesbians and gay men. Several of the Parents FLAG groups have been started by clergy who have a gay or lesbian child. Each congregation, whether or not it knows it, has members who are friends and families of gay men and lesbians. Ministry to these members could be the beginning of reconciliation within families and within your church. Contact the national office of Parents FLAG (address is listed below) for information on how you can start a local group.
For More Information
For information about parents' groups and contacts, you may write either the Reconciling Congregation Program or the natiopal office of Parents FLAG. Two free booklets, "About Our Children" and "Coming Out to Your Parents," are available from Parents FLAG. Send a long, self-addressed, stamped envelope to:
Parents FLAG
P.O. Box 24565
Los Angeles, CA 90024
10/ A-fallna for the JOUl7ley
by Mike Underhill
Mike Underhill is the national treasurer ofAffirmation: United Methodists for Lesbian/Gay Concerns. He is the father ofa nine-year-old daughter and lives in Chicago, fl/inois.
"yougay fathers are strange. You've got one foot
in the straight community and one foot in the gay world. You must be crazy," a usually understanding friend recently told me.
While I know my friend genuinely supports civil rights for all, his comment certainly shows the ignorance, if not the hostility, that surrounds the 10 percent of gay men who are fathers and the much larger percentage of gay men who are involved in nurturing relationships with children.
While one would expect hostility from homophobic persons, I am struck by the lack of understanding that comes from within the gay community as well as from gay fathers' friends who support many other areas of gay life.
Several years ago, for example, our local Affirmation group went out on a Sunday outing to the zoo. That day half of the men in the group were fathers. The day itself was beautiful, the first warm day of spring, and the zoo was overflowing. Kids continually ran through and around us. All was well until one of our group was bumped and almost knocked down. As he yelled out to the running child, he indignantly remarked, "Well, at least we don't have kids like those breeders do!"
This lack of understanding pervades many images of gay men. There are many different positive views of the "gay lifestyle." You'll look long and hard, however, to find many images in which children and nurturing are thought-by the general gay male community or society at large-to be important parts ora gay man's life.
Gay fathers and gay men who want to be nurturing pay a price for this ignorance. But the real victims are the thousands and thousands of children who are denied their rights to love and be loved by their fathers and the millions of children who are prevented from having nurturing, productive relationships with adult gay men.
There are many reasons why all men, both gay and straight, are discouraged from having nurturing relationships with children. But there are two beliefs, I think, that directly contribute to the particular ignorance and hostility about gay men nurturing children:
•
A belief that gay fathers just don't legitimately exist.
•
A belief that a male homosexual environment is an inherently suspicious one in which to raise children.
These concerns primarily face gay fathers, but they may also have some relevance for gay men who are nurturing children as day-care workers, teachers, counselors, clergy, or social workers. In addition, some of the issues discussed here parallel the concerns of lesbian mothers; others probably do not. (continued on next page)
Manna for the Journey / 11
Nurturing Children (continued) .
Heterosexism
Both gay and straight communities often see a gay father's children as "mistakes" or as remnants of a heterosexual past. Similarly, many see a gay man's desire to adopt children as a refusal to accept his homosexuality or as a desire to become "respectable."
The implication is that, if all were properly sorted out, gay fathers just wouldn't exist. Fathering would be left to the heterosexual men, and the gay men could get on with their interior decorating, choir directing, or other "suitable" homosexual activities. The assumptions, I think, are that homosexual persons and children don't "naturally" go together and that heterosexual persons have a privileged claim to children. As such, this view is yet another manifestation of heterosexism.
Conceiving children is so intimately connected with males and females together that it may be difficult to see that raising children has little connection with the sexual preferences of adult men or women. Conception requires that an ovum and a sperm come together. But the biological facts of conception require neither heterosexual love or heterosexual nurturing.
In our more honest moments, we know this to be true. How many children are conceived, in the absence of love, as an attempt to "save" a marriage? How many children are conceived with the conscious desire of only one of the sexual partners? How many heterosexual parents are good nurturers?
Desiring to have children, wanting to nurture children, enjoying being with kids-these are simply human desires, having little or nothing to do with an adult's sexual orientation. Whether two gay men can biologically produce a child is as irrelevant for their desire and ability to raise children as it is for the heterosexual couple in which one spouse is sterile.
Homophobia and Patriarchy
It has long been asserted by many persons that a gay male environment simply is not a good one in which to raise children.
On one level, this belief reflects a particular distaste that is often accorded to gay culture. Heterosexual intercourse is praised as a gift of God; gay sex is judged to be disgusting. Lonely-heart ads in a straight newspaper are seen as funny or sad; personal ads in a gay newspaper are said to be desperate or sick. Heterosexual pornography is seen as offensive; homosexual porn is seen as repulsive.
On another level, this belief touches deep strains in our collective psyche. The root, I think, is a fear of male power in general and male sexuality in particular. In a patriarchal system, such as ours traditionally has been, men commonly understand themselves to be unreliable, if not incapable, of controlling their sexuality and their desire for power. Patriarchy thus absolves males of responsibility for controlling their aggressiveness. As a corollary, women are held responsible for trying to civilize or tame this otherwise unbridled male power. The home of the family, then, is that space in which the female presence makes possible a nurturing environment suitable for children.
But what happens in an environment in which women are not intimately present? Who will protect the children from the men? How can we not be suspicious about raising children in a gay environment?
From all that we know about male power and male sexuality, these are valid questions. Some men certainly use all relationships, including those with children, as an arena in which to demonstrate and develop their male power. Some men abuse-cruelly and deliberately, psychologically and sexually-children.
Whether based on cultural judgment or patriarchal fear, the view that gay men-either because of their gayness or because of their maleness-should not raise children probably does include sincere concern for children. Still, we should be very careful not to let concern for the well-being of children be translated into a blanket homophobic judgment about the unsuitability of any gay male environment for raising children.
Struggle
Heterosexism, homophobia, and patriarchy certainly provide many rationalizations why gay fathers cannot be legitimate and why gay men should not be allowed nurturing relationships with children. Our task as people of faith, however, is to struggle with these traditions, bringing to bear all that experience, reason, and scripture have to offer.
From the above starting points, we can explore other resources in an ongoing discussion and reflection.
One resource is contemporary research about gay and lesbian parenting. Again and again, this research finds that (1) what's important for a child's development is the quality of love and care that an adult is able to give the child and (2) the more accepted and supported a gay or lesbian parent is, the more he or she is able to give love and care to the child.
Another reason is simply the experience of gay men who are already nurturing children in most communities throughout the country. These men and their children provide real-life data against which the beliefs of heterosexism and homophobia can be examined.
Again and again, children teach us that one man's falling in love with another man is just not as critical in their lives as it is in ours as adults. Heterosexism and homophobia are grown-up ways ofviewing the world. A child's problems are "Is Daddy there?," "Do Mommy and Daddy really love me?," or "Why?"
Especially for those of us who have had many years' experience in believing that homosexuality is evil, sinful, and sick, it is an unexpected lesson that what has taken us so long to see is something that children intuitively know. And learning from children is profoundly healing and liberating.
Gay fathers don't have to be role models so that their children will easily adapt to a sexist and homophobic society. They don't have to be in control. They don't have to measure their success by patriarchal standards.
Gay fathers can be themselves-as butch, as effeminate, as silly, as serious, and as gay as God made them. Their children will still be strong and healthy, loved and loving, with as many glories and as many warts as any children. And our children will love us for who we are.
12 / Malllla for [he lOUlney
1
Any two adults who try to share the same living space will inevitably experience some conflict and disagreement. Sometimes, if those individuals are to maintain an ongoing, committed relationship, outside help may help them resolve some ofthe issues that are especially complex. Such seeking of outside help should not be seen as indicating any sort of failure in the relationship; rather, a willingness on the part of both partners to work toward a more mutually satisfying relationship is actually a sign of considerable strength.
Couple counseling is readily available for heterosexual married couples. Same-sex couples or heterosexual couples who are living together without a marriage license face many of the same issues as their legally married counterparts; however, counseling for these couples is not as easily available. For same-sex couples, especially, it is often intimidating to look for a counselor who is understanding of lesbian/gay lifestyles as well as skilled in working with couples.
Although the basic patterns of relationships are the same regardless ofthe gender ofthe individuals involved, there are issues that must be considered somewhat differently with lesbian or gay couples.
For most same-sex couples, the specific details regarding commitment have never been discussed, yet each partner brings a lifetime of assumptions about how relationships and commitments are supposed to be. These rules about commitment usually have not been examined carefully in dialogue with the partner. The same problem exists for married couples who use the standard marriage vows without stopping to think about their real meaning and specific applications.
Lesbian or gay couples who decide to have some sort of commitment ceremony are forced to struggle with the issue of commitment as they write their vows. This process of putting in writing the specific understanding of commitment can be difficult, but it also can
Counseling with Gayand Lesbian Couples
by Dorothy Gager
Dorothy Gager is a licensed independent practitioner of social work with considerable experience in counseling lesbians and gay men. She is a member ofNashville's Edgehill United Methodist Church, a Reconciling Congregation.
be one of the most useful tools in helping couples come to grips with the foundation upon which their relationship is established. Even if a couple is not interested in any sort of public statement of the terms of the relationship, it can be extremely helpful to have each person independently write what he or she is willing to commit to in the relationship. Only after each person has developed a statement of his or her own should the partners share these statements with each other. Ifeach person has been honest, the process of looking at the other person's perceptions about relationships can lead to the formulation of a common agreement that can be used as the starting point at any time in the future when problems arise.
Closely linked to the issue of differing understandings of commitment is the issue of roles within the relationship. Despite tremendous changes in the understanding of sex roles in recent years, the basic assumptions about male and female roles within relationships serve as a point ofdeparture for most couples in deciding such varying issues as who sets standards for household cleanliness, who checks the oil in the car, who manages the budget, and who initiates sexual activity. Once again, people come to relationships with deep-seated assumptions about who should perform which tasks, and these need to be brought into the open and negotiated.
In some lesbian and gay relationships, the individuals choose to follow strictly the traditional roles, with one person taking the stereotypical male role and the other taking the female role. It is important not to jump to the conclusion that there is something wrong with this arrangement. If both individuals are aware that other alternatives exist, and if neither feels dissatisfied or oppressed by the way the relationship operates, the pattern may be functional for that relationship at a particular time. As long as communication lines are open and functioning well and each individual is able to raise matters for discussion, the couple should be
(continued on next page)
Malllla for the Joumey / 13
orientation. One partner may be
Counseling (continued)
Other grief issues are often presextremely
closeted with family
ent, especially in instances where
able to deal with any future difficulties
in a satisfactory manner. there is estrangement from the members, meaning that the partfamily
of origin or where society's ners never can be together on
One of the major factors affecting reaction to the lesbian/gay lifestyle holidays or that the other partner
may resent time spent with family. the stability of long-term lesbian or has meant the abandonment of
gay relationships is the relative ease career or other dreams. When one When one or both partners has
children, all of the problems faced or both partners in a couple bring
with which such relationships can
by any blended family exist, plus a
to a new relationship such major
be initiated and terminated. This is
wide array of issues such as legal
grief issues, increased support is
not to imply that entering or leaving
custody, decisions about what to
necessary if the relationship is to
relationships is taken lightly. It is
tell the children, and societal presgrow
in a healthy way while the
true, however, that many married
sure on the children.· It is imporpast
issues are being resolved.
couples work through problems
tant to note that research shows that
rather than separating largely bechildren
reared in lesbian or gay
For many lesbian or gay couples,
cause they desire to avoid the legal
households adjust well if they are
there may be no role models of
divorce process. The institution of
healthy couples that have mainin
a family where they know they
marriage in our society certainly
tained a long-term relationship.
are loved by both adults and where
has its problems, but it does have
the adults relate well to each other.
Such couples certainly do exist, but
clear entry and exit rituals and
Such children are no more likely to
they usually associate primarily
rules that are binding on the parties
be lesbian or gay than children
with friends their own age who are
involved.
also in long-term relationships.
reared in more conventional
Lesbian or gay relationships
They may be less visible within the
households.
may become coupled relationships
lesbian/gay community because of
without going through any conNone
of the issues discussed
scious process of acknowledging
having successfully created their
above are unique to lesbian or
own subcommunity of support.
what is happening. Two individuals
gay relationships and families, but
Younger lesbians and gay men tend
who have been seeing each other
they do take on a slightly different
to socialize and meet people in setregularly
may decide to move in
flavor in such couples. Each coutings
where most people are not in
together because someone's lease
ple, regardless of the gender of its
expires or because of financial
relationships, and they may make
members, struggles with the same
the faulty assumption that there are
stress. While these are legitimate
general issues, and each couple
no other settings or types of relareasons
for a change in living quartionships.
Further complicating
achieves its own unique balance in
ters, they are not necessarily legimeeting
the needs of both partners.
this problem can be the fact that
timate reasons for deciding to enter
In a society where divorce and
older lesbians and gay men in longa
long-term relationship. The result
separation are facts of life. it makes
may be that two people find themterm
relationships are often well
sense for anyone entering into a
established in their jobs and feel
selves living together and trying to
the need to be closeted-or at least
long-term relationship to be aware
maintain a committed relationship
of the difficulties ahead and to
to be more selective about where
without having made a careful
make some plan about where help
decision that they want to do so. If
they choose not to be closetedwill
be sought if the need arises.
the relationship does not work out,
and are therefore not visible as role
Receiving counseling, whether inmodels.
It is helpful for lesbians
they may tell themselves that they
and gay men to know about couples
dividually or as a couple, should be
have failed or they may take consuch
as Dell Martin and Phyllis
seen as a sign of growth and comsolation
in the popular (but not
Lyon, lesbian social activists since
mitment, not as a sign of failure or
necessarily correct) view that lesdoom.
Because of the additional
bians and gay men cannot mainthe
1950s and co-authors of Lesbian/
Woman, and the four gay male
societal pressures on lesbian and
tain long-term relationships.
gay couples, they have even more
couples who write a regular column
There seems to be less understandin
The Afhocate (a national gay
reasons for entering relationships
ing in the lesbian/gay culture ofthe
newspaper) about various relationwith
caution, with open comgrief
process and the need for a
ship issues and experiences.
munication and assumptions and
period of mourning and healing
expectations, and with examinaafter
the end of a relationship. Too
tion of the specific terms of comWhile
relationships withfamilies of
often, individuals immediately seek
origin can be problemmatic for any
mitment, as well as with joy in
another relationship without ever
couple, there are special stresses for
having found a partner to serve as a
resolving the grief over previous
fellow pilgrim on the lifelong jourlesbian
or gay couples, especially
losses. The result is a person with
ney called relationship.
when the two individuals have very
multiple grief wounds, lacking the
different relationships with their
emotional energy to deal sucfamilies.
It is not uncommon for
*See the articles by Judy Cayot and Mike
cessfully with the present or the
f~milies to blame the partner for
Underhill in this issue for more discussion of
past.
lesbian and gay parenting. their son's or daughter's sexual
14 / Manna for the Joumey
Qat::ed Mered
eth
Fred Methered is a retired teacher. gay activist, counselor, and historian. He is a founder of the Sexual Identity Center in Honolulu and is active in the Metropolitan Community Church and in the United Methodist Church. He is the father of three children and the grandfather offour.
M any gay men and lesbians have come to
an acknowledgement of their homosexuality
only after years of struggling with self and society to get the fortitude, commitment, or whatever to be open about an integral part of who they are as human beings-something of which they may have been aware, in various degrees of consciousness, since their earliest years. I know from personal experience how difficult and painful it can be to "come out" as a homosexual while belonging to a church family in which one has been active from earliest youth and while also belonging to a bloodrelated family (in my case, having a wife and three grown children). It takes God's urging, support, and help.
From my earliest consciousness, I wanted to hug boys, not girls, but did not act on the desire. I didn't know why boys didn't hug boys-boys just didn't. I never had even an inkling that it might be possible for a loving Creator to give some of humanity a sexual attraction toward persons of the same gender.
My father died when I was a teenager, and I had no adult male confidant. I was introverted and seldom got into the supposedly unavoidable sexinformation exchanges with peers. I have no recollection of even a hint of being cruised by an older male. Nor do I recall ever being tempted to invite seduction.
Sex education was nonexistent. By the time I was high school age, we students had been indoctrinated with the assurance that "self-abuse" automatically resulted in hairy, coarse, and abrasive palms. I was left to wonder why I alone managed to avoid that calamity or whether other boys simply forwent the pleasure I could not resist. Later, in college psychology courses, we might find a couple of pages on "deviation," phrased in terms likely to titillate more than inform. No one risked suspicion or embarrassment by showing interest in explicit elucidation.
After I had received undergraduate and graduate degrees in history and religion, 1 became a teacher and student counselor until World War II. Stationed in the Philippines when the war ended, I gravitated to Japan where, in response to recruitment drives for civilian workers on the U.S Occupation force, I doffed my uniform for civilian wear, becoming a military historian. There I met, in an approved social group of "enemy aliens," a young Japanese woman who enjoyed dancing as much as I did and whose aunt found me to be an acceptable guest. With my facing frequent jibes for reaching 30 without having a wife and children, my Japanese girlfriend and I ignored Occupation frowns and married. Eventually, we moved, with two sons and a daughter, to Hawaii. Middle age came and, with diminishing straight sexual competence, I became more and more aware of the repressed attraction I felt for males. I knew no homosexuals, and, anyway, overt outreach to another male was unthinkable. My fantasies remained limited to hugging and/or fondling-and definitely without genital play. I began intensive research on human sexuality and biblical exegesis. I learned that sexual orientation was not a matter of individual choice and, undoubtedly, was ineradicably fixed during a person's earliest years. I recalled that God never ended the creation process, continuing to bring new insights to human creation. I noted that Isaiah's Yahweh had told God's people not to dwell on past history and that "I am doing a new deed" and that later Jesus was sent to expound even greater concepts of love for all human creation. I learned that no concept of differing sexual orientations had been made known by the Creator to humanity until glimmerings were given to some European scholars in the middle and late 1800s. I learned that, for that reason and because no equivalent to homosexual existed in Hebrew, Greek, or Latin, none of the words in those languages could correctly or ethically be translated into the emerging English word homosexual.
Self acknowledgement of my homosexuality came with the enlightening conviction that I did not need to engage in sex with another male to prove that I was indeed a homosexual. I just was and always had been a homosexual, even though I was married, fathered children, and passed middle age without having knowingly spoken to another homosexual. My mind knew all that; my conscience and God's needling called on me to be honest with my family, my church, and, above all, my God and myself. While that demand grew constantly more clamorous, I prayed and procrastinated. In 1969, the Stonewall Riots suddenly catapulted homosexuality into public consciousness. I saw young men and women risking schooling, careers, even lives in seeking human rights protections for homosexuals. Fairly secure myself, I was letting those younger homosexuals suffer for me. I felt God's (continued on next page)
Manila for the .Ioumey / 15
Out--:-At Last (continued)
increased pressure to share the risks, yet I continued
to weasel.
As a member of my annual conference's Council on Ministries and its Adult Ministries Committee, I did, at least, cautiously begin speaking out in United Methodist circles, carefully avoiding giveaways about any personal interest. In addition, after I retired in 1972, I got heavily involved in volunteer counseling and began to hear about homosexuals in Hawaii. At a Council of Churches meeting, I met a young man who was forming a Honolulu Metropolitan Community Church (MCC) congregation. He was the first person I knew to be a homosexual with whom I exchanged more than a hello. I asked to talk to him about what I could do for those "mistreated" homosexuals. Although Ron surely knew that I was peeking from behind a closed closet door, he was kind, made no spoken assumptions, spoke about conditions among homosexuals, and invited me to attend MCC services.
God's prodding increased, and I agonized about acknowledgement. I was aware of the evils of homophobia, and I knew my Christian faith expected me to condemn such fear and prejudice. I continued to pray for guidance and, meanwhile, intensified my commitment to serve gay youth. I saw the pain the youth endured and the rejections they suffered; I saw estrangement from parents and alienation from religious loyalties; I saw bitterness and the wounding of inner selves. My prayers turned to pleas for leads as to how I could best help.
It was obvious that my effectiveness would be increased if I were accepted as one of "them." I integrated myself into the homosexual community, a step that proved rewarding and joyful. However, the suicide, within eight months, of three young men who had been very close to me stirred a crushing grief and, with it, a boundless anger against church members who maliciously charged young men with unforgivable sin and against parents who closed their doors on their sons.
Iffine, sensitive 20-year-olds were driven to die because of a sexual orienation given by God, then God no longer accepted wishy-washiness from me. God demanded that I, fairly immune from personal hurts, be completely open about my own sexual orientation so that, hopefully, I might be more helpful to others who suffered more than I. Finally, my procrastination withered.
Iwas exceptionally fortunate and blessed with my family. The roughest time for my wife and me had come years before I "came out," when I ceased to be an adequate sexual mate. I returned to masturbation and fantasy, and my wife, without any heavy discussions, appeared to find other values as substitutes for sexual companionship. By the time I "came out," we were socializing together more than we had 20 years earlier. Our children were by then young adults, and the two oldest lived far from home after being graduated from mainland colleges. When I wrote to them about my sexual orientation and my commitment to fight for human rights for gay persons, my older son responded that, regardless of the kind of commitment I felt called upon to make, he would always back me, taking the choice to be right for me. My daughter's reaction was short: "That big news, Dad, is no big deal. It's OK with us, and we love you." My younger son, recently graduated from college, lived in Hawaii, and his reaction was much like that of his sister.
That last reaction was illustrated by an amusing occurrence. I was eager to "educate" my fellow United Methodists, and I wangled an invitation to meet with a group at First UMC, Honolulu, which we had attended for 20 years. My son, then the church's lay leader, introduced me to the group by saying, "This is my Dad, who knows all about sex." I talked about homosexuality and answered questions. Something was said that caused me to say, "Look, folks, I am a homosexual and have been a homosexual ever since birth." After some of the people had recovered from their initial shock, questioning turned to my son. Asked how he had reacted to the "news," he said that he had been taught to think of human beings as being worthy and good as long as they didn't hurt others. Then: "But, Bob, how did you find out that your Dad was gay?" Answer: "Well, I think that I knew it before he did." And that may have been true if the "he did" was "he accepted it."
My wife has met most of my gay friends-often counselees or fellow activists, almost all the age of our children or younger. Some she likes very much, some just a little, and some not at all-especially very young fellows who are "hurting" so much that they appear to her to be "wimps," too weak to stand up to parents and peers.
Martin Luther King, Jr., once said, "Set yourself earnestly to discover what you are made to do, and then give yourself passionately to the doing of it." God had uncovered to me, over my reticence, wha~ I had to do, and I pledged that, as long as God gave me life, I would work, in every way I could, to bring about the acceptance-not toleration, but acceptanceof gay men and lesbians. I would not rest until we could all sit in complete and loving fellowship in the pews where we had received our early religious nurture, where we had wanted to remain but from which we had been alienated. I would also strive for the day when we could feel the same full acceptance by society as a whole. My family accepted that commitment of mine, and my appreciation for their support knows no bounds.
AhosPitalization two years ago forced me to live my life at a much slower pace. Nevertheless, I am continuing my efforts to the best of my ability. I know now that I am doing what a loving, compassionate God wants me to do. My life is more open, more honest, more compassionate, and much happier than it ever was when I was concealing so inherent a part of my humanness. I am at peace with my God and myself. I am no longer afraid, ever, to speak out.
16/Malina for the Journey
Martha Rutland· Wallis is the pastor of Highlands United Methodist Church in Jack· sonville. Florida.
Every Sunday, as part of our gathering, my congregation sings, "I'm so glad I'm a part of the family of God." What are some ways in which local churches can begin to make this song sing in the lives of all the members of our family-including lesbians, gay men, and those close to them, such as their parents, siblings, and children?
Focusing on the statement in the United Methodist Social Principles-that we are all persons of sacred worth-a church family could minister to some of the deepest pastoral needs of this constituency simply by acknowledging and affirming their presence. Instead of operating on the assumption that no such folk are in our churches, we could assume that they are among us and begin to find ways to extend a warm welcome.
•
Consider becoming a Reconciling Congregation. Reconciling Congregations are those who are dealing with a grave crisis in the United Methodist Church in such a way that we are again "one in the spirit." We can all learn from these congregations and be made more whole through their ministries.
•
Give a friend, your church library, your conference library and newspaper editor, the United Methodist Women's program resource officer, or your public library a gift
(continued on next page)
Manna for the Joumey / 17
(and of single, heterosexual partimes
there are basic needs like
Opportunities (continued)
ents). With relatives often distant
sheets, housing, housewares. As
subscription to Manna for the with any serious health crisis, either by miles or by choice, how is
Journey. volunteers to answer phones, proyour
church seeking to be "family"
to these parents? What kind of care vide transportation, shop, and lis•
Mfinnation is another chanis
extended to lesbian and gay
ten are always appreciated.
nel of welcome. Being "United
parents and their children when
The church can do much to
Methodists for Lesbian/Gay Conthere
are family crises: sickness,
cerns," this organization can keep
educate people about the probdeath,
job change, and the constant
local churches aware of the conlems
and possibilities for our bepressure
of children who need all
coming a more caring community
cerns of these members of our
their families to give, and more?
to those most personally touched
family. Subscribe to national MfirWhile
our United Methodist
mation's newsletter for your church
by AIDS.
Social Principles clearly support
library; announce its availability,
Too many times parents of lesthe
civil rights of homosexual peror
post it on the bulletin board
bians and gay men have no one
sons, sustaining the struggle to
regularly.* Put notices about nawith
whom to talk about their conobtain
and protect those rights is
tional and local Mfinnation-sponfusion
and their pain. These parnecessary
for the rights to become a
sored conferences in regular church
ents are in our church families.
reality. "Blessed are the poor in
newsletters-so that those who
Find out where the nearest Parents
spirit for yours is the realm ofGod."
might be interested find out about
and Friends of Lesbians and Gays
The influence of the church can be
them; and so that those who would
(PFLAG) chapter is located. Have
of great help to those suffering job
someone come and share their
rather not know about the existence
loss and discrimination, child cusstory
with members of your church.
of these members of our family are
tody disputes, housing and credit
Make the resources of this organikept
informed of their presence as
problems, immigration scrutiny,
well.
zation available in your church lithe
constant presence ofverbal and
,brary. Maybe even start a chapter
Such avenues are not open only
physical violence, and the spiritual
so that fewer parents will be lost
to United Methodists. No matter
pain of being outcast by family
what the denomination of your
and more friends may be found.
and church.
local church, you can contact the
Many times a family will simply
In many areas, the church has
national lesbian/gay organization
drop away from the church rather
traditionally been a leader in matof
your denomination. Programs
than share this difficult part oftheir
ters of justice. Unfortunately, this
like the Reconciling Congregation
life journey, especially when our
often has not been the case when it
Program are also sponsored by
church is more vocal about its fear
came to the rights of lesbians and
and hostility than it is about its
Presbyterians for Lesbian/Gay
gay men. People are leaving our
Concerns and Lutherans Concommitment
to care and reconcerned
(see Rep Report, p. 22,).
churches in great pain and are sufcile.
fering intense spiritual pain with
Sex education needs tremenThe
fiist step in developing a
few resources to help them. Let the
dous attention and support by our
ministry with lesbians, gay men,
churches. Too often this critically
healing and renewing wind of the
and their biological and affectional
spirit blow by opening some doors
important aspect of our lives is left
families is to find out what organof
awareness in your church.
to the streets. Become aware of
izations are already serving these
what your annual conference is
people in your . community, how
Let us be guided by the example
doing to pn>mote thought and
they are doing this, and what needs
dialogue about how to live responof
Jesus. The tax collectors
they are encountering. The best
and peasants whom he made the
sibly as the sexual beings we are.
ministries will be ministries develTake
advantage of these programs
focus of his ministry were among
oped with and by the constituency
and make them available on a local
the most despised and outcast
served. We cannot serve the elderly,
level so that more people are able to
citizens of his day. Jesus came that
the alcoholic, the youth without
they might know the love of God.
participate.
involving those persons in the
Help your church extend the love
ministry itself. The same is true of
of God to all its members. Begin
Another oft-neglected conserving
homosexual persons.
stituency in our churches is
now to offer some basic love and
Special needs may exist surthe
children. Church meetings
care to a constituency you may not
rounding the current AIDS crisis,
often ignore the need for child care
even know but which has always
which is challenging the caring reand
the need for pro gam developbeen
here-and is here to stay.
sources of our churches. Who curMter
all, when we turn anyone
ment for children. Lesbian and gay
rently serves those suffering in your
parents-whether they be "single"
away, we turn away the living
community? How do personal fears
or in couples-may find that supChrist.
exacerbate the problems? Are pubport
for their child-raising is critlic
health resources availableically
needed, yet hard to obtain.
*Published quarterly. Send a $15 donhospice,
nursing homes, funeral Parenting resources usually ignore
ation to Mfirmation, P.O. Box 1021;
homes, home nursing care? Many
Evanston, IL 60204. the presence of lesbian/gay parents
18 / Manna for the Journey
The Day of Pentecost, traditionally observed seven weeks after the Passover, was the celebration of _the day on which the Hebrew law was given. For Christian traditions, Pentecost represents the day that the Holy Spirit came in a rush of wind and fire, filling the followers of Jesus with a gift of speaking in every tongue and telling the Good News. (Acts 2)
Surprised pilgrims from all over the earth heard the Good News in their own languages. (Some call the event of Pentecost the reverse of the Tower of Babel.) The day of Pentecost was the birth of the Christian church.
Pentecost today calls ~s back to a wholeness and oneness that has been lost. The church today is divided by fear and hate. May this Pentecost be one in which all may hear the Good News that all are one in God. Let the church be a Church of justice and love, opening its doors to gay and lesbian and bisexual persons, to people of color, to variously abled persons, to women and men. Let the church be rebaptized in the Holy Spirit.
Celebrating Pentecost as a Household
Begin to incorporate worship celebrations into your daily household life. Use symbols to help you remember the season of the year. Have worship celebrations that fit your household style. Informal conversations, sentence prayers, responsive readings, and justice activities can all be instances of worship.
Talk about the meaning of Pentecost for your household. What does it mean to celebrate the birthday of the church? How can your celebration reflect the church's mission of love and justice for all people? Talk to someone you know who is working for justice and ask them why they do what they do. Decide together on an activity to do as a household. Help serve in a soup kitchen, get involved with a network that is helping those with AIDS, join a Parents FLAG group.
Have a special birthday service at one of your meals. Decorate your table with red, the color of Pentecost. Light a candle to remind you of the Holy Spirit. Have a time of sharing in which each person tells what they will do to help celebrate the birthday of the church. Close your time together by reading the Pentecost liturgy on the next page. Divide the reading, and let different people read different parts.
....
_"No. No, not me." Denial. Denial of his Lord, yes, but just as much, denial of his relationships, his connectedness, his "Who am I?" Fifty days later. the Spirit of God blew through his life and Peter claimed his truth, his people, his life, and his power. God calling, always, Pentecostal Empowerment to those who will claim themselves and speak to an unjust orId. to cry, hLet my people gor' The Spirit upon Miriam to lead the dance of faith and power. The Spirit upon Gandhi to leave English ways for Indian leadership. The Spirit came upon Joan of Arc and Martin Luther King, Harriet Tubman and Cesar Chavez, Bishop Desmond Tutu and Reverend Michael Collins. The Spirit, God's Spirit crying out in the wilderness of oppression, calling forth those who will know who they are. Pentecost The everpresent day receiving the gift of the Spirit flinging open closed doors and opening the way for
Nebraska Seminar Advocates Reconciling Congregation Program
The year-long planning effort culminated in this gathering of 60 persons from four states representing several denominations. In many
ministry to persons with AIDS. On the national church level, the United Methodist General Board of Discipleship unanimously endorsed
What is a Reconciling Congregaways,
the conference was a model of
the following resolution in their Febtion?
How could my local church
how a group can plan an educational
ruary meeting:
become a Reconciling Congregaand
nurturing event for a geographi"
During the past seven years,
tion? How can I be a "reconciler"
cally scattered people who share a
within many parts of the world, a
with a concern that is so personal
common concern for the spiritual
new ugly, and dangerous disease
and so emotionally divisive? These
journey of gay, lesbian, and bisexual
called AIDS (Acquired Immune
and other questions were addressed
persons.
Deficiency Syndrome) has appeared.
by participants at "Spirituality and
To date, the health consequences for
Homosexuality: A Dialogue Conthose
who contract the disease are
ference," held in Lincoln, Nebraska, February 28 and March l. As part of the conference Beth
Growing Concern for Ministry to Persons with AIDS
devastating. Most frequently, it ends in death. Also running coincident with this epidemic is a psychological
Richardson and Mark Bowman led
After several years of national
crisis for family members and loved
30 participants in a workshop on the
media coverage and public concern
ones as well as for those at risk for
Reconciling Congregation Program
over AIDS, mainline churches are
the disease.
through discussion of the steps of
growing more actively involved in
"We, the Board of Discipleship of
becoming a Reconciling Congregaeducation
about and ministry with
the United Methodist Church, recogtion.
"Every local church is a poten,
persons with AIDS.
nize that in the midst of this epidemtial
Reconciling Congregation" was
Within the United Methodist
ic, we are called to accept people as
a major point of the workshop. ParChurch,
several Reconciling Conthey
are, relate them to God's healticipants
looked at their own local
gregations have been in the forefront
ing grace, and empower them to
churches through the perspective of
of this development. The ministry of
undertake ministries of compassion
the journey toward becoming a
bereavement at Washington Square
and hope. We applaud those local
Reconciling Congregation, recognizUMC
(New York) was reported in
United Methodist Churches who
ing that for some congregations it
Manna for the Journey (MFIJ), vol. 2,
have already undertaken such minmight
take I year and, for others, 20
no. 2. The same issue ofM FIJ reportistries
on our behalf. We also confess
years. Discussions covered both the
ed the resolution "AIDS and the
that we as a total church have not
theological/biblical framework for
Ministry of the Church," which was
always responded lovingly in the
the program and the practical steps
passed by the New York Annual
midst of this epidemic in part
of implementing it. Participants
Confere nce of the UMC last spring.
because of deeply held fears and
departed with enthusiasm and hope
Members of Washington Square
prejudices. We ask God's forgiveness
for beginning work on becoming a
followed up that resolution by workin
this regard.
Reconciling Congregation in several
ing with the Conference Board of
"We commend to all United
area local churches.
Church and Society to plan a
Methodist Churches this tragic situThe
refreshing presupposition
conference-wide workshop which
ation as a unique opportunity for
that pervaded the whole conference
was held on March 22. The conministry
and witness. We also comwas
to focus on the church's relationference
drew 75 participants to share
mit ourselves to assembling resources
ship to the spiritual journeys of gay,
information and learn more about
and guidelines to enable local
lesbian, and bisexual Christians
AIDS ministry in the United Methochurches
to engage in such ministry.
rather than on the morality of homodist
Church.
Such work will be carried out by
sexuality. Other workshops offered
We have also received reports
means of a special ad hoc task force
to the attendees of the two-day confrom
Bethany UMC (San Francisco)
appointed by the Board's president,
ference were: biblical/theological
on their ministry to persons with
who will work in conjuction with the
understandings, counseling issues,
AI DS. Capitol Hill UMC (Seattle)
Board's Executive Council."
the church and AIDS, coming out/
and St. John's UMC (Baltimore)
going out, and family issues. The
have been involved in educational
keynote address was given by United Methodist Bishop Melvin Wheatley.
efforts on AI DS. Several other Reconciling Congregations are developPresbyterian
Gathering
The conference was the collaboring
programs.
Presbyterians for Lesbian/Gay
ative effort of an interdenominaAnother
positive sign of growing
Concerns (PLGC) will be visible
tional body of concerned laity and
church involvement is that at least
again this summer at the annual
clergy under the auspices of the
three United Methodist clergy are
General Assembly of the Pres-
Interchurch Ministries of Nebraska.
appointed to positions involving
(continued on next page)
M allllafor the Journey /2 J
I
several articles explore discriminaeral
Assembly will be held June
byterian Church (U.S.A.). The Genchures
describing the Reconciling
tion and oppression experienced by
10-18 in Minneapolis, Minnesota.
Congregation Program, as well as
lesbians and gay men, and relevant
PLGC will have an exhibition booth
subscription forms and sample copies
legislation and litigation is reviewed.
and hospitality suite during the
of Manna for the Journey, were availBack
issues ofManna for the Jourgathering. They will also hold their
able.
ney are available for $3 each. Any of annual membership meeting on
We would encourage you to think
the above resources can be obtained Friday evening, June 13, and sponsor
about how you or your local church
by writing: Reconciling Congregaa special luncheon the following
could help others learn more about
tion Program, P.O. Box 24213, NashSaturday afternoon. For information
our collective efforts at your annual
ville, TN 37202 or Manna for the about participating in or assisting
conference gathering coming up
Journey, P.O. Box 23636, Washingwith these efforts, write to: PLGC,
soon. If you need resources for this
ton, DC 20026. c/o James Anderson, P.O. Box 38,
endeavor, you can write to either the
Reconciling Congregation Program New Brunswick, NJ 08903-0038.
or Manna for the Journey, or call Beth
Richardson (615/244-0867) or Mark
Bowman (202/484-1233).
Your efforts to help promote our
Annual Conferences Offer an
work are crucial!
Opportunity to Promote
Reconciling Congregation
Program and
Manna for the Journey
Resources Available
The annual gatherings of United
Remember that several resources Methodists offer a rich opportunity
are available to you on the Reconcilfor spreading the good news about
ing Congregation Program and the Reconciling Congregation ProMannafor
the Journey. A revised RCP gram.
brochure and a four-page paper,
As one example, last year Wal"
How to Become a Reconciling Conlingford UMC and Capitol HillUMC
gregation," are available at no (both in Seattle) hosted a special dincharge.
ner meeting during the Pacific
Limited numbers of back issues Northwest Annual Conference gathof
Manna for the Journey are also ering. A separate room was reserved
available: in advance just off the conference
"Be Ye Reconciled" (vol.l, no.l) cafeteria. Announcements of the
Ecumenical Efforts
provides a biblical and theological
meeting were disseminated in the
foundation for the Reconciling ConTwo
other denominations have early days of the conference
gregation Program with articles by
similar programs to the Reconciling At the meeting, several represenDr.
Joseph Weber, Rev. Virginia
Congregation Program in which tatives from both Reconciling ConHilton,
and Howard and Millie
local churches show their support gregations were present to discuss
Eychaner. A six-page annotated
for and welcome to lesbians and gay and answer questions about the
bibliography on resources related to
men. In the Presbyterian Church Reconciling Congregation Program.
lesbian/gay concerns and the church
(U.S.A.), there are "More Light ConThe pastor, chair of the Administrais
included.
gregations" and in the Lutheran tive Council, and other persons from
"Living and Dying with AIDS"
Church, there are congregations each church spoke of the process of
which are "Reconciled in Christ." becoming a Reconciling Congrega(
vol.1, no.2) explores opportunities
for ministry to persons with AIDS.
We offer a brief profile of these two tion-the change and growth as well
Articles include a medical presentaprograms
and a listing of conas the cost to the congregation. Time
tion on AIDS, writings on personal
gregations which are part of them. for questions was allowed after the
experience with AIDS, and suggesWe
hope that this sharing will brief presentations. Over 40 persons
tions for organizing efforts for edubroaden
the support networks for showed up for the meeting to learn
cation and ministry about AIDS.
gay men, lesbians, their family and more about the Reconciling Con"
A Matter of Justice" (vol. 1, no.3)
friends, and their congregations. gregation Program.
reviews the civil and legal rights conOn
a smaller scale, several indivicerns
of lesbians and gay men. In
Reconciled in Christ Program duals arranged for displaying inforthis
issue, Dr. Arthur Flemming preThe
Reconciled in Christ promation on conference resource tables
sents the Christian case for involvegram
was developed by Lutherans
at their annual conferences. Broment
in the civil rights of all persons, ConcernedlNorth America in 1983.
22/Mal/I/a for the Joumey
SI. Francis (ALC) University (LCA)
Downtown Presbyterian McKinley Memorial 152 Church Street 1611 Stanford Avenue
Congregations in three major Luth121
N. Fitzhugh Street Presbyterian
eran bodies-the American Lutheran
San FranCisco, CA 94114 Palo Alto, CA 94306
Rochester, NY 14614 809 S. 5th Street Champaign, IL 61820
Church (ALC), Association of EvanChrist
Church (AELC) SI. Paurs (LCA)
1090 Qunitara Street 1658 Excelsior Avenue
Calvary St. Andrews Parish Bethany Presbyterian San FranCiSCO, CA 94116 Oakland, CA 94602
gelical Lutheran Churches (AELC),
68 Ashland Street 4523 Cedar Springs
and the Lutheran Church in America
Rochester, NY 14620 Dallas, TX 75219
First United (LCA) Lutheran Peace Fellowship 6555 Geary Blvd. 4100 Moutain Blvd.
(LCA)-are invited to sign an "AffirNew
Community Life West Hollywood
mation of Welcome."
San FranCiSCO, CA 94121 Oakland, CA 94619
Presbyterian Presbyterian
243 Rosedale Street 7350 Sunset Blvd. Fullness of God (ALC)
"The Affirmation of Welcome is
Rochester, NY 14620 Los Angeles, CA 90046
a statement that affirms the message
Holden Village Chelan, WA 98816
Westminster Presbyterian Noe Valley Ministry
of Christ that calls us to reconcilia400
I Street, S.W. 1021 Sanchez Street
tion and wholeness. Since gay and
Washington, DC 20024 San FranCiSCO, CA 94114
lesbian persons are often scorned by
More Light Program
Rockville Presbyterian Seventh Avenue 215 W. Montgomery Avenue Presbyterian Rockville, MD 20850 1329 7th Avenue
society and alienated from the
The More Light Program was
Church, the affirmation states the
initiated by Presbyterians for Lesbian!
San FranCiSCO, CA 94122 First. Franklin SI.
following:
Gay Concerns (PLGC) in 1979.
Presbyterian Covenant Presbyterian
"-that gay and lesbian people
More Light congregations have
210 W. Madision Street 670 E. Meadow Drive Baltimore, MD 21201 Palo Alto, CA 94306
"declared that all people, regardless of comes from being unique individuals
share with all others the worth that
Waverty Presbyterian Westminster Presbyterian Old York Road at 34th Street 240 Tiburon Blvd.
their sexual orientation or preference
crea ted by God;
and their affectional relationships,
Baltimore, MD 21218 Tiburon, CA 94920
"-that gay and lesbian people are
are welcomed into full participation
Central Presbyterian First Presbyterian
welcome within the membership of
(including election and ordination
318 W. Kentucky Street P.O. Box 236 Louisville, KY 40203 Sausalito, CA 94965
this congregation upon making the
to the offices of the church) on the same affirmation of faith that all
same basis. The message of the GosNorthside
Presbyterian SI. Andrews Presbyterian 1679 Broadway Drake & Donahue Avenues
other people make; and
pel is for all people. The law of love
Ann Arbor, MI48105 Marin City, CA 94965
"-that as members of this conapplies
equally to all persons, reLincoln
Park Presbyterian Terrace View Presbyterian
gregation, gay and lesbian people are
gardless of their particular sexual
600 W. Fullerton Parkway 4700 228th Street, S.w.
Chicago, IL 60614 Mountlake Terrace, WA 98043
expected and encouraged to share in
orientation or preference of their
the sacramental and general life of
affectional relationships." this congregation."
More Light congregations are
The coordinator of the Reconencouraged
to write and adopt their ciled in Christ Program is Rose
own More Light resolutions, A bookReconciling
Congregations
let giving background information
Smith, 12602 Park Street, Cerritos,
Washington Square UMC University UMC
CA 90701.
on More Light ministry, including
c/o Cathie Lyons & c/o Steven Webster Ed Weaver 1127 University Avenue
Lutheran congregations which
sample More Light statements, is
135 W. 4th Street Madison, WI 53715
have become "Reconciled in Christ"
available for $2,00 from PLGC.
New York, NY 10012
to date are:
The contact person for the More
Park Slope UMC Wheadon UMC
c/o A. Finley Schaef c/o Carol Larson 6th Avenue & 8th Street 2212 Ridge Avenue The Community of Christ Edina Community (ALC)
Light Program is: Shirley Hinkamp,
300 W. 55th, #IOJ, New York, NY
Brooklyn, NY 11215 Evanston, IL 60201
(ALC) 443 W. 54th Street
10019.
1812 Monroe Street, NW Edina, MN 55424
Calvary UMC St. Paul's UMC Washington, DC 20010
Presbyterian congregations in
c/o Chip Coffman c/o George Christie Christ the Mediator (LCA)
815 S. 48th Street 1615 Ogden Street
the More Light Program are:
Philadelphia, PA 19143 Denver, CO 80218 1900 St. Paul Street Chicago, IL 60615 Baltimore, MD 21218 SI. Mark's (LCA) 3100 S. Calumet
Christ UMC Wesley UMC St. Gregory of Nyssa (AELC)
Church of the Covenant South Presbyterian Church
67 Newbury Street 343 Broadway
c/o Bea Judge c/o Warren Russell 1401 E. 55th Street #3202N
4th & Eye Streets, SW 1343 E. Barstow Avenue Chicago, IL 60615
Boston, MA 02116 Dobbs Ferry, NY 10522
Village Church (LCA)
Washington, DC 20024 Fresno, CA 93710 LafayeHe Avenue
130 E. Juneau Avenue
Christ Church Presbyterian
Resurrection (LCA)
Milwaukee, WI 53202 Presbyterian
SI. John's UMC Bethany UMC 3301 N. Seminary Street
Redstone Campus 85 S. Oxford Street
c/o Howard Nash c/o Christine L Shiber Burlington, VT 05401SI. Paul-Reformation (LCA) Brooklyn, NY 11217Chicago, IL 60657
2705 St. Paul Street 1268 Sanchez Street 100 N. Oxford Street
Baltimore, MD 21218 San Francisco, CA 94114 Munn Avenue Presbyterian St. Paul, MN 55104 Old South Haven St. Paurs (LCA) 7 S. Munn Avenue Presbyterian
P.O. Box 341
Edgehill UMC Sunnyhills UMC Holy Trinity (LCA)
East Orange, NJ 07018 South Country Road Northridge, CA 91324
c/o Hoyt Hickman c/o Martha Chow Brookhaven, NY 117192730 E. 31st Street
1502 Edgehill Avenue 335 Dixon Road First Presbyterian. TrinityMinneapolis, MN 55406 St. MaHhew's (LCA)
Nashville, TN 37212 Milpitas, CA 95035 2 Prospect Street Westminster Presbyterian 11031 Camarillo Street Trenton, NJ 08618 724 Delaware Avenue Christ the Servant North Hollywood, CA 91602
Central UMC Wallingford UMCBuffalo, NY 14222
(ALC/LCA)
c/o Howard Abts c/o Chuck Richards 317 17th Avenue, SE SI. Paulus (AELC)
Prospect Street
701 West Central at 2115 N. 42nd Street Minneapolis, MN 55414 888 Turk Street
Presbyterian Church North Presbyterian
Scottwood Seattle, WA 98103 San Francisco, CA 94102
2 Prospect Street 90 Lewis Street
Toledo, OH 43610 Grace University (LCA)
Trenton, NJ 08618 Geneva, NY 14456
Capitol Hill UMC Harvard and Delware SI. Mark's (LCA)
West-Park Presbyterian John Calvin Presbyterian
c/o Pat Dougherty
Streets, SE 1101 O'Farrell Street
165 W. 86th Street 50 Ward Hill Road 128 Sixteen Street East
Minneapolis, MN 55414 San Francisco, CA 94109 New York, NY 10024 Henrietta, NY 14467
Seattle, WA 98112
Mal/fla for the Jowney / 23
Back, Gloria Guss. Are You Still My Mother? Are You Still My Family? New York: Warner Books, 1985. Written by a social worker who has a gay son and now specializes in counseling the families of gay men and lesbians.
Borhek, Mary V. Coming Out to Parents: A Two-Way Survival Guide for Lesbians and Gay Men and Their Parents. New York: Pilgrim Press: 1983. Contains suggestions to the lesbian or gay man on how and when to come out to parents, what to expect. For parents, the book explains how initial reactions of grief and loss can be overcome.
_______ My Son Eric. New York: Pilgrim Press, 1979. The moving story of an evangelical Christian mother's journey to acceptance of her gay son.
Clark, Don. Loving Someone Gay. Milbrae, Calif.: Celestial Arts, 1977. Attempts to enable a positive self-identity to those persons who are newly out. (Primarily oriented to gay men.)
Fairchild, Betty, and Hayward, Nancy. Now That You Know: What Every Parent Should Know About Homosexuality. New York: Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, 1979. An excellent book for those who are struggling with the reality of a gay or lesbian relative.
Silverstein, Charles. A Family Matter: A Parent's Guide to Homosexuality. New York: McGraw-Hill, 1978. A guide for parents of lesbians and gay men. Discusses how to approach the subject, how to listen, etc.
Switzer, David K and Shirley A Parents of the Homosexual. Philadelphia: Westminster Press, 1980. Examines feelings of guilt and anger that Christian parents can have toward themselves, their child, and God after hearing that their child is gay or lesbian. Helps parents and children move toward reconciliation.
Counseling
Babuscio, John. We Speak for Ourselves. Philadelphia: Fortress Press, 1977. Case histories written specifically for counselors by lesbian and gay counselors. Topics include homophobia, internalized oppression, family relationships.
Gonsiorek, John, ed. A Guide to Psychotherapy with Gay and Lesbian Clients. New York: Harrington Park Press, 1985. Includes articles on coming out, therapeutic issues with lesbian and gay couples, bisexuality, etc.
24/Mallfla for the JOl:lmey
Hall, Marny. The Lavender Couch: A Consumer's Guide to Psychotherapy for Lesbians and Gay Men. Boston: Alyson Publications, 1985. Discusses how to choose a therapist, danger signs to watch for, what to expect in therapy, and other issues.
Moses, A. Elfin, and Hawkins, Robert, eds. Counseling Lesbians and Gay Men. St. Louis: Mosby, 1982. A presentation of counseling techniques for lesbian/gay and heterosexual therapists to assist their lesbian and gay clients.
Gay/Lesbian Parenting
Gantz, Joe. Whose Child Cries. Rolling Hills Estates, Calif.: Jalmar Press, 1983. Children of gay parents talk about their lives and their growing up in openly gay and lesbian homes.
Hanscombe, Gillian E., and Forster, Jackie. Rocking the Cradle. Boston: Alyson Publications, 1982. A book about lesbian mothers, their children, lovers, husbands, friends. Shares their hopes, dreams, concerns, fears.
Pies, Cheri. Considering Parenthood: A Workbook for Lesbians. San Francisco: Spinsters Ink, 1985. A workbook for lesbians and their lovers who would like to be mothers. Contains information on artificial insemination, adoption, single parenting, co-parenting, etc.
Schulenberg, Joy. Gay Parenting. Garden City, N.J.: Anchor Press/Doubleday, 1985. A
practical guide to help lesbian/gay parents deal with special problems they are likely to face. Some topics are adoption, artificial insemination, coming out to the children, and preparing for custody battles.
Relationships
Curry, Hayden, and Clifford, Denis. A Legal Guide for Lesbian and Gay Couples. Reading, Mass.: Addison-Wesley, 1980. A practical book that discusses all important aspects of coupling. Includes sample letters, forms and agreements to handle legal situations, estate planning, power of attorney, etc.
Uhrig, Larry J. The Two of Us: Affirming, Celebrating, and Symbolizing Gay and Lesbian Relationships. Boston: Alyson Publications, 1984. A handbook by a Metropolitan Community Church pastor, on overcoming the difficulties ofgay and lesbian relationships.
Miscellaneous
Berzon, Betty. Positively Gay: New Approaches in Gay and Lesbian Ufe. Los Angeles: Mediamix, 1984. A collection of articles that include topics on coupling, job security, financial planning, family relationships, etc.
Fortunato, John. Embracing the Exile: Healing Journeys of Gay Christians. New York: Seabury Press, 1982. Presents a theological discussion of the struggle of gay men and lesbians within the church. Good resource for pastoral counselors.
Heron, Ann, ed. One Teenager in Ten. Boston: Alyson Publications, 1983. Writings by gay and lesbian youth dealing with parents, growing up lesbian/gay, etc.
MacDonald, Barbara, and Rich, Cynthia. Look Me in the Eye: Old Women, Aging and Ageism. San Francisco: Spinsters Ink, 1983. Insightful look at aging from a feminist perspective.
Nelson, James. Embodiment. Minneapolis: Augsburg, 1978. Covers broadly the subject of human sexuality from a relational standpoint. Includes one chapter on homosexuality.
Scanzoni, Letha, and Mollenkott, Virginia Ramey. Is the Homosexual My Neighbor? San Francisco: Harper and Row, 1978. Written by two women from the evangelical tradition, this book presents an excellent introductory look at the concerns of gay men and lesbians and the challenge of ministry to this often marginalized group.