Open Hands Vol 4 No 2 - Raising Reconciling Children

Open Hands Vol 4 No 2 - Raising Reconciling Children

4

2

1988

Fall

~1syour heart true to my heart as mine is to yours? .. Ifit
Fall 1988
is, give me your
Vol. 4 -No. 2
hand. " 2 Kings 10:15
Journal ofthe Reconciling Congregation Program
Raising.---------~---~I
Reconciling
•
~,~ren
The Godfathers ............ 3
by Mary Beth Danielson
& Leonard Lamberg
Ministry for the 10 Percent .. 6
by Ann Thompson Cook
SPECIAL SECTION:
Activities for Children ... 11
Loving My Gay Dad ....... 20
by Elizabeth Bowman
V
ol. 4 • NO. 2· Fall 1988
Open Hands is published by Affirmation: United Methodists for Lesbian/Gay Concerns, Inc., as a resource for the Reconciling Congregation Program. It addresses concerns of lesbians and gay men as they relate to the ministry of
the church.
The Reconciling Congregation Program is a network of United Methodist local church s who publicly affirm their ministry with the whole family of God and who welcome lesbians and gay men into their community. In t his network, Reconciling Congregations find strength and support as they strive to overcome the divisions caused by prejudice and homophobia in our church and in our society. Together these congregations offer hope that the church can be a reconciled community.
To enable local churches to engage in these ministries, the program provides resource materials, incl ud ing Open H ands. Resource persons are a ailable locally to assist a congregation that is seeking to become a Reconciling Congregation.
Information about the program can be obtained by writing:
Reconciling congregation~ Program
P.O. Box 24213 Nashville, TN 37202
Reconciling Congregation Program
Coordinators
Mark Bowman Beth Richardson
Open Hands Co-Editors
M. Burrill Bradley Rymph
This Issue's Coordinators
George Bob Mary Jo Osterman
Typesetting and Graphic Design
Linda Coffin Leanne Poteet
Other Contributors to This Issue
Elizabeth Bowman, James Brock. Ann
Thompson Cook. Mary Beth Danielson,
Gregory Dell, Roger Gil keson, Elizabeth
Huesemann, Leonard Lamberg, Jeffrey
Mahon. Todd Schuett, Nancy Swedlund
Open Hands (formerly Manna for the Journey) is published four times a year. Subscription is $12 for four issues ($16 outside the U.S.A.). Single copies are available for $4 each; quantities of 10 or more are $3 each. Permission to reprint is granted upon request. Reprints of certain articles are available as indicated in the issue. Subscriptions and correspondence should be sent to:
(JpMHands
P.O. Box 23636
Washington, DC 20026
Copyright 1988 by Affirmation: United Methodists for lesbian/Cay Concerns, Inc.
ISSN 0888-8833
Contents
1'1 hildrearing has never been easy. Neither has growing up. And to'-.I day, when many of the guidelines that have traditionally been used for parenting and being a child no longer seem adequate, both of these tasks may be harder than ever before. Yet they are still important.
For parents, raising children not to be susceptible to society's many prejudices can be particularly difficult. In "The Godfathers" (p. 3), Mary Beth Danielson and Leonard Lamberg discuss why they are determined to raise their son and daughter to be nonhomophobic and what special challenges they face in their efforts. Ann Thompson Cook explores how the church can help parents in this endeavor in "Ministry for the 10 Percent"
(p. 6).
Homosexuality can pose a variety of challenges for parents and children alike. James Brock relates his experiences and difficulties as a teenager in reconciling his Christian faith and emerging gayness in "Gay, Christian, and Growing Up" (p. 8), while Elizabeth Huesemann puts the needs of lesbian and gay adolescents into professional perspective for parents and other adults (" 'Please Listen to Me,' " p. 9). In addition, Nancy Swedlund discusses "Mothering: One Lesbian's Story" (p. 10), and Elizabeth Bowman talks about "Loving My Gay Dad" (p. 20).
Children and adolescents can find sexuality in general-and homosexuality in particular -touchy subjects to deal with, as Todd Schuett discovered with a Sunday school class he teaches. He tells us how the teenagers in his class feel that "Gay Is Okay (for Someone Else)" (p. 18).
Young children -with their innate senses of fairness and empathy can show us all the hope of a future church and society where homophobia is no longer common. Gregory Dell in "The Children's Word" and Roger Gilkeson in "Loving the Different Ones: Three Children's Stories" (p. 15) share with us children's sermons on love and fairness that they have used in their churches. We also offer special ACTIVITIES FOR CHILDREN ("Opening the Closet Door," p. 11) with guidelines, activities, and discussion material for opening communications with children about homosexuality; this section was developed by George Bob, Leonard Lamberg, and M. Burrill.
RESOURCES (p. 21) offers books on sexuality and homophobia for adults, young adults, and children. The RCP REPORT (p. 22) includes information on the ecumenical movement of local churches that welcome lesbians and gay men into their community of faith.
NEXT ISSUE'S THEME: Sexual Ethics
2 Open Hands
e s
odfat
e
I f you could see our toddler son right now, you would see mischievous, dancing blue eyes lighting up his rosy, round face. You would see his irresistible, irrepressible, toothy little smile. He has muddy shoes, sandy socks, filthy overalls, a damp diaper, and hands that are sticky from the popsicle he just mangled, slurped, and wiped on the cat. We adore him. We have given him heartfulls of love, too many toys, umpteen books, and two gay godfathers.
It would be a lie to tell you we gave our son those particular godfathers because we want him to be "nonhomophobic and politically correct." Nothing about parenting is that cut-and-dried.
That's what makes the whole subject of "raising a nonhomophobic child" so difficult. Not that it isn't important. It's just that everything about raising a child is important, nothing about child rearing is a sure thing, and it all happens a lot faster than we ever imagined!
For several reasons, it is important that adults like us try to raise children who are free from homophobia. First, the attitudes toward gay men and lesbians we give our children today will largely shape the attitudes of society tomorrow. We have an obligation to the world not to perpetuate its homophobia.
Second, for those of us who are Christians and parents, our faith and sense of justice demands that we challenge homophobia ourselves and teach our children to do so as well. We must help them understand and internalize that gay men and lesbians, like all humans, deserve love and respect; that gayllesbian love, like all human love, is to be cherished; that the gayllesbian community is a special and vital part of the human community.
Finally, we want our children to grow up free. Homophobia, like any prejudice, twists and cramps with fear and hatred the lives of those who hold it. Unaddressed, it is a danger and a burden that keeps children from growing into whole adults. What's more , we want those of our kids who will mature into their own homosexuality to do so without the deadening constraints of shame and guilt. For all these reasons, we must address this issue if we care to parent our children in truth with love.
This task is not likely to be any easier now than it was when we were growing up. Schools, media, and the ordinary people in their lives -relatives, friends, and neighbors -will continue to perpetuate homophobia. It is likely that we will have to purge unexamined relics of old prejudice in our own psyches. The task will be difficult, but if we really love our kids, we will try.
We will try because we have dreams for our children. We can almost imagine a society in which the challenge of one's life was simply to grow up to be one's self.
Imagine if girls didn't all have to be "sugar and spice and everything nice ," but it was okay if some were (our mystifying four-year old daughter among them).
( continued)
by Mary Beth Danielson and Leonard Lamberg
Open Hands 3
(continued)
Imagine if young boys didn't have to carry live snakes and snails in their pockets to prove their incipient manhood, if it were simply okay for some boys to be bored by ball games, that disinterest in these activities was not a threat to their entire identity within this society.
Imagine if the challenge of adolescence was to use one's mind and heart and not simply one's sex organs. Imagine what it might be like if all of us -heterosexuals and gay/lesbian persons -trusted each other. The dream is worth the work.
I t is difficult to be a liberated person even in this society -the United States -and this time -the late 1980s. (It boggles the mind to imagine what folks of other nations or eras had or have to go through.) We may want to assume that freedom from want, fear, and hatred are givens. But we know they're not. Prejudice and violence permeate this society.
The reality of homophobia is everywhere. Dealing with that reality without losing our dream is one of the most important lessons any adult can give any child.
The first issue with which we must deal is simply that a lot of people want things to stay the way they are . They continue to believe -in spite of all evidence -that homosexuality is a "threat to the family".
"What kind of parents are they," such people ask, "who allow 'homosexuals' to be involved in their children's lives?" We can and do counter with true, witty, and/or angry responses. Still, it is important for us to realize that sometimes we are going to lose the approval of people we care about. People such as our own parents and siblings, our co-workers and friends. We have to acknowledge this so we don't lose sight of our dreams when it happens, so we can respond with courage, truth, and grace.
The second part of this lesson is even more frightening.
"What kind of parents are they," these same people say, "who set their own children up for ridicule?" Make no mistake, taking a stand on homophobia does earn us criticism. We can probably stand that. But knowing that our children will suffer, too, is difficult. Most of us know how awful it can feel to be regarded as weird, un-American, "wimpy" -because we believe in and act on human rights. How can we expect kids to deal with this?
It would probably be a good idea to raise children in an environment where occasionally recordings by Holly Near or Pete Seeger or some other woolly, wild, tuneful, radical singers are played too loudly on the stereo. Where the parents, who might not be very good singers or dancers, lip sync and dance their hearts out anyway.
We are only half joking here. The point is that there is no demure and tasteful way to raise liberated children. Liberation, by its very nature, is about breaking out, being tough enough to act on one's tenderness . Homophobia is one of the most deeply entrenched prejudices of civilization. We are not going to free children from its snare by quietly telling them it isn't nice. We have to show them, by our
4 Open Hands
own loving, reckless attitude, that it is okay to be different, that sometimes it is necessary to be regarded as nuts.
Christians should be used to this. Our faith is about following -being "fools for" -Christ. We were never promised this would be a comfortable or seemly business. We were promised that Christ would accompany us as we accompanied, ministered to, and learned from the put-upon, ostracized, unjustly treated people of this world. This is what we are about.
Most people agree that the family (however it is defined) is a powerful institution. Yet we who are the parents raising the next generation of humans, seem to be mostly conservative, tradition-bound, nervous, and unimaginative. We worry about the most trivial things -whether Johnny will keep his clothes clean, whether we should sign Susie up for dancing classes or piano lessons. Our world revolves around whether our teenagers clean their rooms and get Bs or Cs in high school chemistry. We have created this family and yet all we do with it is the niggling, nagging maintenance work of human life. Here we are, leading and directing our piece of one of the most powerful institutions of civilization , and all we want is to make no waves.
Except that maybe making waves is what growing up is all about. The littlest child (believe us, we know what we're talking about here) craves to know he or she can influence his family, her world. So what better gift can we give our growing children than the heritage of a family that says right along that it is okay to be weird and act out? What finer heritage can we pass on than that of believing in causes and acting on them?
" In Dan's death we saw the love and servanthood of Christ. This is what we want for our son to grow up to see, understand, and make part ofhimself if he can. "
Maybe the most important thing we can do to raise nonhomophobic people for the next generation is to allow and encourage the development of their strong egos now. They are going to need them for this and all their other struggles. We tell this to ourselves every day when our son adamantly and insistently demands to pull all of the Tinkertoys out of the basket, when he insists on playing with stones under the back porch instead of nice, clean blocks in the house. We usually let him "get his way." These things are inconvenient for us but, we believe, necessary for him. He learns that he has a lot of power and influence in this family. We imagine-there are people who think we are "spoiling" him by "letting him get away with so much." Though we also notice that what most people do comment on about him is how calm and happy he always seems to be. That when we say no (albeit, in that certain
tone of voice only parents get), he surprisingly often stops what he's doing (plugging the cat's tail into the light socket) and obeys.
We have heard of a child development expert who, when asked what the magic three words of child rearing were, replied, "Example, example, example." We think about that a lot. We try to avoid stereotypes of how men and women act. Often this is inconvenient. We take turns driving the car, doing the laundry, accompanying our daughter to preschool picnics, playing ball with both kids. We admit when we are struggling with a task or an issue. We try to let them know that being an adult does not mean we have gone on "automatic pilot," that things are still difficult and yet worth struggling over (like writing this article).
M aYbe these suggestions seem removed from this issue -trying to raise children free from homophobia. Lots of people want their children to have strong egos. Lots of people want their children to see their parents struggling to be free from stereotypes. How, you may ask, do you actually go about the work of convincing children that homosexuality is okay?
You don 't. You do your best to raise strong and empathetic children. Then you make sure there are gay and lesbian people in your family life . You let their love, their stories, and their integrity become part of your children's lives.
Most of us did not come to liberation because we believed this was the "correct" way to think. Most of us became friends with people and then discovered they were gay or lesbian. Fears and stereotypes crumble during ordinary human exchange. The process worked for us; it can work for our children as well.
And you talk. You talk about stereotypes and fears kids pick up from society. One is that homosexuals are child abusers. You explain that this is a myth and that, if they believe it, they are going to lose valuable friendships and are going to be more vulnerable to anyone who might be a heterosexual abuser. You help them think about what it might feel like to be regarded as a criminal before someone even knew them.
Kids worry about AIDS . You explain (you bring up the subject if they don't) about unprotected sex. You explain, once again, how a stereotype could kill them if they think avoiding gay people is the way to protect themselves from the disease.
There is a theory that homophobia causes promiscuity. People (especially teenagers) who are afraid of being gay, or of having other people think they are, might engage in multiple sexual encounters to prove to themselves and to others that they are straight. Responsible parents talk about homosexuality as a legitimate alternative. They tell their children that nothing is proved by such promiscuity except the frightened immaturity of the person involved in it. And they remind their children that promiscuity paired with unsafe sexual practices, not homosexuality, is one of the risk factors for AIDS.
As for language, we believe that attitude is more important than purity . Even the youngest children soon pick up the derogatory anti-gayllesbian terms. Maybe the key here isn't to respond with anger, to simply forbid such language in our homes (though we can demand that, too). Start with consciousness raising. Let children imagine what it would feel like to be slurred and slandered. Imagine if the very core of their being was an epithet to someone else. Remind them of this constantly. Kids are sensitive to name-calling, and they'll understand this well. They are facing considerable homophobic pressure in their lives from other kids, teachers, the media.
In fact, it is important for parents to realize just how deeply children do feel. Don't demand perfection. Empathy isn't something any of us learned overnight. We nag, remind, continue to examine their world with them, in the hopes that they will grow to be authentically free adults.
Now back to our son. Sooner or later, he is going to notice that he has two godfathers. He's going to ask about that. We've been practicing our reply. "They made us an offer we couldn't refuse!"
In all seriousness, we are going to tell Max why we love and respect Otis and George. We will begin by explaining our beloved, mutual friend, Dan, who died of AIDS the spring after Max was born. We will tell Max of how Otis and George took care of Dan. How they dealt with the endless, irritating red tape of insurance and finances. How they helped coordinate Dan's medical care. They drove him to appointments, washed his dishes, arranged for a housekeeper. They were the ones who called Dan's mother and helped her around the city when she came to visit. And in the end, with his mother, they stayed with Dan as he died.
We had always all been friends, but in Dan's death we saw the love and servanthood of Christ. This is what we want for our son to grow up to see, understand, and make part of himself if he can.
Christianity isn't something one straight guy in a long robe preaches at all the rest of us as passive listeners. We believe that the truth and meaning of faith evolves when the community of believers gathers to talk, serve, and worship our God. Ifwe exclude certain Christians from the church, our understanding of faith will be diminished.
We believe that our son will grow up all the better because of his loving godfathers. Our family is richer for them. We believe every family that takes up the challenge of opposing homophobia will end up stronger for the effort.•
Mary Beth Danielson is a contributing editor for The Other Side and is cowriting a book with five other women for publication infall 1989 by the Chicago Collective. Leonard Lamberg is a creative editor for an advertising agency and has worked on several national ad campaigns aimed toward children. They have two children and are members of Wellington Avenue United Church ofChrist in Chicago .
Open Hands 5
•
Ministry
for
the by Ann Thompson
10 Percent Cook
One lazy New Years' Day
during a gathering of neighbors, as a father and I were watching 10 young boys playing football, I commented casually that, statis tically, one of those boys was surely gay. No way to tell which one, but what would it be like for him and for the others? The father turned and looked at me, amazed.
Since then, I have had many such conversations, and they inevitably continue long beyond the day they begin. There are, of course, some people whose minds are closed. But in my experience, many people are hungry for information that they simply don't have access to in the nonnal course of their lives. "You say 10%? I had no idea!" "Why are people lesbian/gay?"
I tell you this because I cannot write an article about "children's sexual development and the church" without thinking about the families that children are growing up in. Whether or not parents actively disparage homosexuality, they rarely consider it a possibility for their children or the other children they know. That is a powerful context to grow up in.
Sexuality education is needed in the church, not just for children but for the whole community. We need to identify the insidious messages that make us all afraid to be ourselves --and deliberately search for alternative, affirming messages.
First, let's define sexuality as being everything that has to do with being male and female: how we grow and change over the years, how we view our bodies, how we relate to each other, how we reproduce, how we are alike and different in appearance and behavior, and who we are as women/men, girls/boys.
Sexuality includes intimacy, which has to do with our ability to trust another person. to become known, to share, to show affection and caring, to reveal ourselves honestly. Sexuality includes being sensual, which has to do with how we accept our bodies, the way we feel pleasure, the image wt: have of ourselves, what we know about our bodies, how willing we are to take care of them, our comfort with touching and feelings .
And sexuality includes identity and orientation. Our sexual identity has to do with who we are as female/male, how we behave, and what we let the world see about ourselves as female/male. Our sexual orientation is what we feel inside whether or not we make it known
outwardly -including fantasies, dreams,
and attractions.
We all know that there are many ways to be
intimate, sensual, and male/female. There are
also differences in the "objects" of our affection,
as we develop loving relationships. Some of us are
attracted to people who are tall and fair; some to people who are short and stocky. Some of us are attracted to men, some to women, some to both.
So, we are all unique sexual beings. Our sexuality -and the ways we experience and express our sexuality -develop and change over the years from infancy through old age.
As children grow, their experiences in their families, churches, and schools deeply affect their ability to explore and affirm their own sexuality. At age 6, my son discovered that he had little access to arts and crafts at summer day camp because he was in the boys' group, and "boys prefer sports." At age 8, he chose to drop out of a ballet class he loved because some children were taunting him for being a "ballet boy." For a science fair project, a girl in his 6th-grade class secretly documented the ways that teachers involved the boys more than the girls during math lessons.
Clearly, children are still given powerful messages about who they can be as males/females, how they can express their maleness/femaleness. By the time children reach puberty, their opportunity to explore their own sexuality is limited indeed.
No single message, however, is more powerful than the "rightness" of heterosexuality and the "wrongness" of homosexuality. On school playgrounds all over the country, children use the words fag , dyke, homo, and lezzie as the ultimate putdown. Rarely does anyone intervene.
Yet many young people have strong sexual response feelings toward both males and females. For some, the sexual feelings toward members of the same sex will taper off or disappear, and they will learn that they are predominantly heterosexual. For them, adolescence is a time to explore at least their heterosexual feelings and to learn to develop intimate connections with others.
6 Open Hands
They experiment with many styles of being themselves -coy, loud, strong, tearful, effusive, passive, sweet, obnoxious, silent. dominant.
They discover great tolerance for publicly displaying their (heterosexual) affections in school halls and public streets.
They learn by trial and error what they like in another, what others like about them, the difference between being turned on and loving someone, and so on.
Other young people, who learn that they are predominantly homosexual, find it extremely difficult to test themselves out in these various ways. A central aspect of their sexuality has been labeled perverted.
Their opportunity to be accepted by their peers depends on successfully hiding their true selves, on keeping their orientation secret.
Add to this dilemma the overt gay bashing (verbal and physical harassment) that is tolerated and frequently encouraged in schools and other parts of the community, and you can begin to imagine what gay, bisexual and lesbian youth experience. Even if no one "suspects," even if the harassment is directed toward others, such youth must learn to cope with an atmosphere that explicitly and continually condemns who they are.
If people do find out, the reactions are often intense. Youth from all walks of life -racially, socioeconomically, geographically -are suddenly disinherited, given one-way tickets and told to leave home, physically abused, and publicly humiliated.
We now have evidence that such youth comprise 30 to 50% of the young people who are out on the streets. They comprise a significant proportion of the youth who are at risk for dropping out of school, abusing drugs and alcohol, developing eating disorders, becoming pregnant, and committing suicide.
How hard it is to feel good about yourself when you are constantly told that you are "trash."
Churches today have a unique opportunity -indeed, obligation -to support all children in developing a positive sense of their own sexuality. We can provide information and establish ourselves as a resource for children to come with questions. And we can give a different message than children get elsewhere:
We can broaden the definition of "family" to include same-sex partners and "single" persons of all ages.
v We can talk about bodies as beautiful gifts of creation, to take care of and use wisely.
We can affinn that people come in all shapes and sizes and sexual orientations and develop continually, each in his/her own way -all of which are okay.
And we can clarify, as Bishop John Spong l has done so eloquently, that we consider expressions of sexuality that enhance life good, those that dim inish life, evil-whether they occur in heterosexual or homosexual relationships. As people ofGod , our goal is to move beyond the "evil" in relationshipsexploitation, intimidation, manipulation, abuse -and to develop relationships characterized by nurturing, caring, and support.
" The most compelling counterpoint to homophobia comes when lesbian, bisexual, and gay people are free to share all of who they are with the congregation, including the children. "
In matters of sexuality, our actions do speak loudly to our children. Sexuality education is much more than what we say. The example we set is critical, and everyone is involved -not just the Sunday School teacher and pastor. but everyone in the church.
It is time for all of us to examine our congregational "life" together and consider what messages are being sent. What are children learning from the games we play, the skits we put on, the songs we sing, the stories we tell? Do we accept or do we challenge homophobic put-downs? Do we assume that the children will grow up to marry, or do we leave their options open to their own self-discovery?
Finally, we must remember that persons who don't know they know lesbian, bisexual, and gay persons are the most likely to fear homosexuals.
We can and must give explicitly positive messages about homosexuality. But the most compelling counterpoint to homophobia comes when lesbian, bisexual. and gay people are free to share all of who they are with the congregation, including the children.
In the process of being such a church together -whether we are singing, putting on plays, decorating for Christmas, studying the Bible, serving the community -we, and our children, can learn about and grow to accept and celebrate our unique selves, whoever we find ourselves to be .•
John S. Spong, Living in Sin?: A Bishop Rethinks Human Sexuality (San Francisco: Harper and Row, 1988).
© ) 988 Ann Thompson Cook
Ann Thompson Cook, sexuality educator and author. has written And God Loves Each One: A Resource for Dialogue about the Church and Homosexuality, a booklet to be published this fall and distribllted by the Reconcilillg Congregation Program. She is a member ofDumbarton UMC, a Reconciling COIlgregation in Washington, D.C.
Open Hands 7
V
ian
and Growing Up
by James Brock
T he most difficult problem created by my homosexuality was to deal with the religious beliefs -I was raised with. Dealing with these were harder than the years of being called names, the years of being rejected by my peers, and the time spent trying to regain the understanding of my family. My religious roots are both Pentecostal and Baptist. Either of these alone would have been enough to have caused me severe mental problems, but the two combined, with my homosexuality on top of it all, makes me wonder how I actually did manage to make it this far with any feelings for God intact at all! I accepted most of the rules and ideals set forth by both of these denominations. I taught Bible school, Sunday school, led the singing for both the children's and adult church services. I understood the idea and concept of such practices as "Ye must be born again" and speaking in tongues while in prayer. It was made perfectly clear in both of these churches that:
1.
Yes, homosexuals existed.
2.
Homosexuals were damned to eternity in hell.
3.
Homosexuals had no place in society.
Of course, I never asked about homosexuality, or even connected what they were talking about with the fact that I was sexually attracted to other males. I always thought of homosexuals as old men who walked poodles on rhinestone leashes and wore make-up. I never thought, dreamed, or realized that there were, or ever had been, homosexuals who were my age. Since my first sexual awareness at about age 10, I knew that I was sexually excited by men. Not until about the age of 15 did I begin to realize that the people [ had heard damned time and time again, the people my religious leaders saw as such destroyers of morality, and I, were the same. I was one of them.
It both angered and frightened me. It frightened me as I now thought I was doomed to hell. It angered me because I felt that all of the church work I had done had been done for nothing and that somehow God had let me down and allowed my soul to be taken by the devil.
I tried to change myself. I prayed every day to have a sexual feeling for girls. I prayed that I would start liking sports. I prayed that I would stop watching sports just so I could look at the guys. But no change ever came.
Religion had been my lifeline, my stronghold, the one thing I was good at. On the ball field I was always the last picked for all of the teams. Then I would proceed to lose the games by dropping the pop-fly/easy-out ball. Not purposely; I just could not get into the spirit of the games. And after years of verbal abuse I had no desire to try and improve my gamesmanship. But in church! I was a whiz at leading the songs, helping with the offerings and communion, teaching. And now I felt that I no longer had anything I was "good" at, and that I was no longer loved and protected by a God I had devoted my life to. My prayers had always been my secret solace, and now I felt I was just talking to the wind.
For over five years, although I still remained active and involved in my church programs, I was only going through the motions. I still believed in God, but I had no real feeling that God believed in me.
I was 20 years old before I found the feeling of God's love again. I was just finally accepting my sexuality, and facing the fact that, while I was going to Hell, life was still going on. I decided to confide my woes to my best friend. I had grown up with him and trusted him; besides, I could no longer hide my feelings about my sexuality and needed a release. To my utter astonishment, he in tum told me that he also was gay and had been dealing with these same problems of "God rejection." I was more fortunate than most in having this happen to me as my friend was able to introduce me to a very wise and wonderful pastor who opened my eyes, and helped mere-open my heart. Together he and I read the Scriptures which had plagued my life. He pointed out that each of them could be read to say what anyone wanted it to say. He showed me how beliefs differed from religion to religion. And that it was my accepting what people had been saying rather than accepting the feeling of love and peace I had felt before that was causing my pain and feeling of excommunication from God. As he said, I had been given life by God, and these feelings were a part of the Whole Me that God had created. After talking with him I began to realize that I had allowed my life to change and be ruled by mere bigoted ideas and ignorance. I was still the same person I had always been, and God loved me as much then as he did when I was 10. It was such a relief to know that I could be a Christian who was gay, rather than just accepting the fact that I was gay and trying to be a Christian. Religion and religious beliefs can be as strong as the sexual urges facing an adolescent -at least in my case they were. The question of whether or not to have sex is one thing, but the dilemma of wanting a type of sex for which you are told there is no forgiveness by God can be devastating. It is hard enough to deal with the taunting, the jeers, and being ostracized by your peers. But when your religion, the one and only security you have come to know, turns you away, the hollow emptiness cannot be filled in any way. It is unfortunate that everyone is not as understanding and caring as the person I was able to talk with. It is also unfortunate that by the time most young people discover their own sexuality, be ther gay or straight, their religious mores and values are
8 Open Hands
pretty well set in. To someone talking with a young gay person who is confused with the conflicts of their religion and their sexuality, I would suggest that they convey the fact that they were created and loved by their God before they became aware of their sexuality and that that has not changed. What has changed are the sexual values and feelings in their lives. They must try to take the time to understand that they, like every other person who has ever lived, must deal with their religious feelings first of all within their own soul. Then, as I mentioned before, they must read their own Scriptures, and find that these can be read in many different ways, and that they must read and apply them to their lives as a person who is first and foremost a Christian, Jew, whatever, and then be a homosexual. It is in this manner that I regained the spiritual part of my life that I thought was lost forever.
I am hardly a theologian , or a student of the seminary. I am a 24-year-old college student. My lover is 21, and devotion and worship of God has been an important part of our relationship for the past three years. Maybe my ideas and story are meaningless to most, but if they can help even one person to avoid the torment that I faced, then they have accomplished something . •
Reprinted with permission from One Teenager in Ten: Writings by Gay and Lesbian Youth, edited by Ann Heron. Copyright 1983 by Alyson Publications. Inc., Boston, Massachusetts.
"Please
Listen
,
toM
by Elizabeth Huese:rnann
Describing the situation faced by families who find that a son or
izations such as the one I work for -Horizons Community Services in Chicago-are arising in cities across the United States to provide safe places for gay. lesbian. and bisexual youth. These agencies exist to help these youth tal . bout themselves in an open, accepting environment. By sharing their feelings and experiences, they can enhance their self esteem and emotional growth. For the first time, they can experience being who they are and can begin to love themselves.
One of the you t h group members at Horizons wrote the following after talking about his parents:
daughter is homosexual is difficult. Envision two loving people untouched in their personal lives by homosexuality and then confronted with it in a child they have raised. To the child, who has found the courage to reveal this hidden facet. it has been too much an integral part of his or her life to remain a secret or covered with lies any longer. But to the parents, homosexuality is likely to be unaceeptable. an unnatural state to be feared and
-r-
rejected. Their child can't be gay or lesbian but merely going through some bizarre stage of rebellion. They are unprepared to
tn at I am still yo set
aside the negative attitudes held by society to listen in an atto
hear 1.
l.L
tempt to empathize with this now alien person.
PLEASE LISTEN TO Many
gay males and lesbians become aware of their atson.
I
traction to persons of the same sex at or before the time of pu-
1..----t'...--}J1-
E and see and feel that
berty. They frequently panic, feel ashamed, and hide from friends, family, and other adults in their lives. They have no
Q d n't
am loveable~.~~~one to talk to and feel lonely and alone within every sociaJ situation.
They feel afraid to show friendship to a same-sex friend for
-~~-;oclety to take yOU fear
of giving away their sexual orientation. They lack access t information about homosexuality, including roJe models. Bewatch
and yOU__
-
cause of this, they believe the stereotypes they have heard about
from me=..:-'~_-~-----homosexuals
and. if they are male, worr that someday they
's no
-will see that there_~ might
end up molesting children or wearing dresses. Many deal with their secret through drugs and alcohol, suicide, and run--.
g a child
-..---. shame in haVln___ ning
from the home. Homosexual adolescents are just as worthy as heteroWh~
eroea sexuals,
and their needs need to be addressed and acknowl_
__-TI-edged.
They need to be heard and loved. Fortunately, organ.-
chance. -,
EliztIbeth Huesemann is youth group director at Horizons Communir)' Cemer.
,
I
-
Open Hands 9
Mother-og:
One Lesbian's Story
Jewels Graphics Sa rita Johnson
•
am a lesbian and a mother of
three children -a son, age 24, and two daughters, 17 and 13. Weaving these two aspects of my life together is a continual challenge. My children were born into a heterosexual marriage that lasted 17 years. I came out as a lesbian about a year and a half after I left my husband. At that time, my son was 18 and living with his father in another state, so he wasn't directly involved in my coming out. My daughters were 9 and 5 and were very much involved in the changes in my life.
It was never an issue with me whether I would be "out" to my daughters. It had taken me six years to begin to learn who I was, and I was not about to go back into hiding in my own home and with my own family. And, in fact, my older daughter figured out what was going on almost as soon as I did! We were attending a church where there were a number of lesbians, and where gay and lesbian issues were quite openly talked about. My daughter put two and two together pretty quickly and asked me if I was lesbian. I simply answered her honestly.
That was six years ago. During that time, we have struggled a lot with what my lesbian identity means to me and to my daughters and with how it affects our lives. Several factors have supported us in this struggle. My being an active feminist for several years before coming out helped to lay important ground work. I have tried to raise my children to question gender stereotypes, to respect people for who they are, and to value women's relationships with women. I think this helped make it easier for them to accept my lesbian identity.
I
by Nancy wedlund
We have also been fortunate to be
part of a number of supportive communities.
We attend a predominantly heterosexual
church where we are fully
supported as a lesbian family. This has
been immensely important to us, giving
us a place where being lesbian or
gay is accepted as normal and positive,
countering many of the negative stereotypes
that my daughters pick up elsewhere
in their lives, and giving us a
place where we can be open about our
lives.
I have also been part of a community
of friends who have been important
role models for my daughters. We
have shared camping weekends, 4th of
July picnics, and women's music concerts,
and my daughters have come to
know lesbians as strong women who
love and support each other. Last summer
we went to the Michigan W omyn' s
Music Festival together, and my
daughters found there the same sense of
freedom and safety in women's community
that I have found. I trust they
will carry these positive experiences of
relationships among women into their
adult lives.
•
don't mean to paint an overly
rosy picture. We certainly have had, and continue to have, our difficulties. When I was in relationship with a woman for three and one-half years, we had all the problems of other stepfamilies, with the added concern of "how do I explain this to my friends?" I find it very difficult, on the one hand, to tell my daughters that I believe being lesbian is normal and good and, on the other hand, to tell them, "this is probably not something you want to share with your friends." There have been resentments about "why does my mother have to be that way?" And, as my daughters have entered into their teen years, they have raised questions about my ability to understand their interest in boys. One of the most difficult things for me has been sorting out
I
what are "normal" parent-child issues and what problems are due to living in a family that is "different."
I know I' ve had to make compromises for the sake of my children. I would undoubtedly be more open about my identity if I didn't have them to protect. I want not to make my life too much of a burden on them, and so I am particularly careful about my identity in our neighborhood. I keep my lesbian literature carefully confined to my bedroom. I am now single and don't know if I would enter into another live-in relationship while my children are at home. It's very difficult to know where to draw the line between my freedom to be myself and my daughters' very understandable need to fit in among their friends . What I try to do is find some kind of balance between including them in my life and respecting their lives.
•
n spite of the difficulties, I really
feel I have given my daughters something of value by being open with them about my identity. I hope, first of all, that I've given them the model of accepting myself as I am, and encouraging them to discover and accept who they are. I see signs that they've learned some things about tolerance, prejudice, and the unfairness of stereotyping. They know , as I certainly never did, that they have more than one option for expressing their sexuality, and hopefully that will help them find and accept what's right for them. And I trust that they will carry into their adult relationships the images they've received of women who value themselves as women, and who value their relationships with other women, whatever form those relationships may take.
I
Nancy Swedlund is a member 0/ Wheadon UMC. a Reconciling Congregation in Evanston. Illinois. She is a graduate o/Garrett-Evangelical Theological Seminary and volunteers with Kinheart. Inc. She has been involved with/eminist theology and spirituality and lesbian issues.
10 Open Hands
ACTIVITIES FOR CHILDREN
•
Ope
ng
the
or
Asparents and caring persons, we need to take seriously our responsibilities
for opening the closet door and eliminating homophobia. This involves
special effort to face our own homophobia and to enable the next
generation to break free from similar attitudes and prejudices.
One key to unlocking such attitudes is the process of enlarging our views of humanity to include the vast diversity that is present. This means recognizing gay and lesbian as two among many human differences. A part of this effort to counter homophobia also includes encouraging people, especially in churches and within families, to talk with one another more openly about love, sexuality, and gay and lesbian people.
Thefollowing activities (as well as many books in RESOURCES on page 21 of this issue) are starting points for discussions with children. Do an activity together, or let children proceed on their own but follow up with discussion. The best learning is experience reflected upon . Encourage their questions, and be open about your own as you explore these aspects of humanity and our relationships.
Our community has many different kinds of people and many different kinds of helpers. Helpers come in many different colors, speak different languages, eat different kinds of foods, and show their love in different ways. Helpers can be women or men; some are lesbian or gay, and some are not.
In the pictures to the right , match the hats with the helpers at work. Draw a line between them. Think about each helper and how they help others.
Firefighters put out fires and save lives. Some firefighters are lesbian or gay people.
Nurses take care ofyou when you
are sick or hurt. Some nurses are
gay or lesbian people.
Football players can be lesbian
or gay; maybe they'll win the game!
Police officers will help you if
you are lost or ifyou need to cross
a busy street. Some police officers
are gay or lesbian people.
(jor kindergarten and early elementary age children. A parent or teacher needs to read instructions and talk about the activity with the children.)
Things to Talk About:
•
What are some ways people are different? [hair, eyes, size, color skills, gender, handicapping conditions, whom someone loves ... ]
•
What are some ways people are alike? [Feelings -happy, sad, angry, hurt, love ... ]
•
How do you think God feels about people being different?
Open Hands 11
(for early and middle elementary children)
(for elementary children)
Things to Talk About:
. Have you ever been called a name? How does it feel? Has anyone ever made fun of you? How does that feel? Have you ever heard people make fun of gay or lesbian people? Why do you think people do that? How do you think the gay person feels?
• Do you know any lesbian or gay people? How do you think God feels about them?
. How do you think Jesus would have acted towards a lesbian or gay person?
ACTIVITIES FOR CHILDREN
~~
,.
A ~ ~ ~~~~ ~~
~,~~~,'~~~,~~
Loving makes the world a happier place. When we share hugs with people we care about, that's called being affectionate. Being affectionate helps us all feel loved. There are many ways to show affection. Can you think of some?
There are many kinds of loving relationships where people show affection to one another. The people in this church maze are all separated. They would like to be connected. Take a pencil (a colored pencil would be even better!) and draw an "affection connection" from each person to one or two others in the church.
~ ~.,.
~ ~~ ~~~,~"
Qualities are things that people have that we can't see -but they're as much a part of the way we are as our faces or our fingerprints. Qualities are the inside parts of people that make them special. You have qualities, your friends have qualities, gay and lesbian people have qualities all people have qualities. However, sometimes qualities are hard to recognize when we're not looking for them.
In the puzzle below, some important qualities are hidden. When you find a quality, draw a line through the letters. You might find the words spelled forwards or backwards, up or down, or on a slant, some may even share a letter, but they will always be in a straight line. The first one, TRUSTING, is done for you. When you have found all the qualities, circle the leftover letters -they should spell out another word for a gay or lesbian person.
S E N 0 H H 0 R B R A V E C A S P E S M A M H P T C N R S Y 0 R U S E 0 X F N A N L 0 V G L E L T N E
The qualities are HONEST, BRA VE,
LOVING, GENTLE, HAPPY, STRONG,
FUN, TRUSTING, NICE, CARING, SHY,
SMART.
·7Vn X:3S0WOH ll<Jds S.l<JJ}<J/ 8U.lU!VUl<J.l <Jlf.L
12 Open Hands
•••
A CTIVITIES FOJl £JJJJJJJI~
NEEDS OF AN AVERAGE CHRISTIAN PERSON:
1.
_____________________________
2.
_____________________________
3.
_____________________________
4.
_____________________________
5.
____________________________
6. ___________________________
7._____________________________
8.
____________________________
9.
____________________________
10.
________________________
Imagine for a moment an average Christian person. Make a list of the basic things that person would need to be a happy person. Include both physical things (food, shelter, etc.) and emotional things (need to be loved, need to be accepted, etc.) How many can you think of?
Now imagine for a moment a gay or lesbian person. Make a list of the basic things that person would need to be a happy person. Again, list both physical and emotional. How many can you think of?
NEEDS OF A LESBIAN/GA Y PERSON:
1. _____________________________
2.
_____________________________
3.
_____________________________
4.
_____________________________
5.
____________________________
6.
____________________________
7. ____________________________
8.
____________________________
9.
___________________________
10.
__________________________
(for older elementary children or junior high youth)
Things to Talk About:
•
How are your two lists alike? How are they different? Why?
•
Have you ever been afraid of someone who is different than you 'are (someone in a wheelchair, someone who speaks a different language, someone much older than you are, someone gay or lesbian ...)? What did you do to deal with that fear and become comfortable with that person? What advice would you give to someone who is afraid of lesbian or gay people?
•
How many different people can you name whom you could go to to ask any questions you have about homosexuality? (Did you think about parents, church youth group counselors, teachers, nurses, ministers?)
•
How do you think someone who might be dealing with the question of homosexuality would feel sitting in on this discussion?
Open Hands 13
ACTIVITIES FOR CHILDREN
This section can be given to
young people directly or used by
parents and adult leaders to help
them know how to answer questions
that are asked.
In addressing homophobia when dealing with young people both the subtle and the direct need to be utilized. Use the direct by sharing activities and discussions like those suggested here.
Use the subtle by being aware ofhow we speak and the attitudes we convey about a variety of related issues. For instance, when talking with youth about dating relationships, do we always use "opposite sex" or do we use more inclusive terms like partner. By our word choice, do we leave the door open for inclusion and acceptance ofgay, lesbian, and bisexual people and relationships? Do we speak only of homosexuality as a problem, or do we include it in our general discussions of sexuality as part of the normal range of human behavior and emotions?
We convey much by what we say, how we say it, and what we omit. Words are powerful transmitters of our values and attitudes. We must consciously change those transmitters ifwe are to open the closet doors for our succeeding generations and raise accepting and open children.
What does homosexual mean? A homosexual is a person, male or female, who is attracted to someone of his or her own sex. Another tenn for homosexual is gay. Women who are homosexual usually prefer to be called lesbians.
FAIRY, FAG, DYKE, FAGGOT, LEZZIE, QUEER, HOMO ... I've heard these words. What do they mean? These are all impolite tenns for homosexual or gay and lesbian people. Some refer usually to men: fairy, fag, faggot. Some refer to women: dyke, lezzie. Some refer to either: homo, queer. Often these words are used as insults to hurt others who seem different. Name-calling is a cruel way to make others unhappy.
Why or how do people become gay? Can they help it? There are lots of theories, but scientists don't really know for sure. All that can be said for sure is that some people are basically attracted to the same sex. Being around lesbian and gay people will not make a person gay or lesbian. You are who you are, and no person or event can suddenly zap you into something else.
How do homosexuals make love? Two women or two men make love in much the same way a man and a woman do. They can be tender with one another, touch every part of the body, kiss , hold hands, and use every other fonn of sexual relating that a man and a woman can, except they do not have sexual intercourse by inserting a penis into a vagina.
If lesbian or gay people raise a child, will the child be gay too? Usually not. There is about the same possibility for the child of a gay or lesbian parent to be gay as for the child of a nongay parent (one out of every ten).
Is it okay to be attracted to someone of the same sex, or will it hurt you? It will not hurt you . Some people are attracted to the opposite sex , some to the same sex, and orne to both sexes. However, certain people who don't approve of homosexuals are sometimes very cruel to them, so many gay people tend to be very private about their personal lives.
Do homosexuals still have the same sexual
body parts? Yes.
Can I catch AIDS from being around gay and lesbian people? NO. First of all, most gay and lesbian people do not have AIDS. Second, AIDS is NOT passed by just being near an infected person. Body fluids (blood, semen, ... ) must be passed from one person to another (like in sexual contact or sharing drug needles) to pass the disease.
If you have other questions, ask a parent, teacher, pastor, or another adult friend. The only dumb question is one that is NOT ASKED . •
George Bob is curriculum director for a Catholic
High School and has recentLy impLemented AIDS
education with instruction in Health and Religious
Education classes.
Leonard Lamberg is a creative editor for all advertising
agency and has worked on severaL natiollaL ad
campaigns aimed toward chiLdren.
M . Burrill is co-editor of Open Hands and is a director
of Christian education.
Background i~formationfor these activities is taken from Let's Talk about Sex and Loving by Gail Jones Sanchez with Mary Gerbino (Burlingame , Calif.: Yes Press, 1983) and Talking With Your Child about Sex
by Dr. Mary S. CaLderone and Dr. James W. Ramey (New York: Ba/laline Books, 1982).
14 Open Hands
Start with the children -where they are, who they are. Start with the faith -what it is, how it is.
T hat, I think, would be the
advice I would share for approaching the "children's word" on any topic . But it's even more important advice for approaching topics around homosexuality, the "scary" issue (to parents and other adults more than to children, usually).
I move to the time for the children's word each Sunday with a few presumptions. First, it is the children's word, not just the Word to children. What they say, how they feel, what their experience has been, what they think -all are important sources of insight for understanding God's word. Second, it is the Word. That is, I try to reflect the themes of the adult sermon and the scriptures for the morning in the themes of my part of the children's word. Third, just as children are sometimes excluded de facto from the adult sermon -because of its vocabulary, length, or complexity -so too, it's fine to have the children's word a time for the children alone. In our congregation, the children in the sixth grade or younger are invited forward, while everyone else is encouraged to register their attendance, pray, and read over the scriptures for the morning. Then the microphone is turned off. All of this makes it more of a special time for the kids .
Given that setting and understanding, what do I say, what do I do with the issues surrounding homophobia-heterosexism and homosexuality?
First, I welcome any new children, and we all introduce ourselves. Then, I begin by asking the children, "Whom do you love?" The responses are, without exception, a wonderful menagerie of people, animals, foods, places, things, and God (sometimes, I suspect, because they know that this is, after all, church!). I try to have a bag of some toys and dolls representing the variety they might suggest. As they call them out, I pull them out of the bag.
Then we talk about what ways it's
okay to be loved and what it's okay to
love. Their ideas and mine are often
pretty close.
Greg: "How do you like to be loved?" Children: "With hugs." "By people being nice and sharing."
Greg: "Any bad ways to be loved?"
Children: "Grandpa is too rough sometimes. " "Grown-ups tickle too much sometimes. " "If people want you to do things you shouldn't do, that's a bad way."
Greg: "I think that's right. OK, now how about what we should love?" Children: "It's okay to love lots of things, except bad things."
Greg: "Like?"
Children: "Like things that hurt people, like guns or bombs." Greg: "But it's okay to love other things. "
Children: "Sure!"
Greg: "How many of you like boys? (show of hands) How many like girls? (hands) How many like some boys and some girls? (hands) Do you think that's okay? (kids usually nod) I do too. I think so does God.
T
That's why God made so many
wonderful things in so many wonderful
ways. For instance, we all
may love lots of people, but we
usually love some people in very
special ways: our parents or sisters
or brothers or best friends. That's
okay too. As we grow up , we will
probably keep loving special people
in special ways. Adults do that too.
A woman and man may decide they
love each other in a very special way
and decide to get married. A woman
could also decide that she loves a
woman in that special way. Or a
man could decide that about another
man. Some boys, as they get closer
to being adults, fi nd that they like
boys more. Some boys find that they
like girls more. Same with girls.
Sometimes as people are growing up
they find that they might like boys
sometimes and girls sometimes -all
in that special way. Some people
think all of that is silly or even bad.
They don't understand how someone
(continued)
e
by Gregory Dell
Open Hands 15
~~
~Child.ren's ~~Word
( continued)
could love someone in a special way who isn't the same kind of person they love in a special way. You know what? I think all the special loves are okay! And I think God thinks so too! The most important thing is that all of our loves be caring and loving loves, not hurting loves. Those are the kind of loves that God wants for us. That's why God made so many different and wonderful people in so many different and wonderful ways -just like you!"
With that, I ask the children if they have any questions or last things they want to share. I try to respond as honestly and completely as I can. Even if a child is way off the topic, it's sometimes important to hear at least a little piece. Then, I count "One, two, three!" and all the children say a loud, corporate, and hopefully heartfelt "Amen ."
P arents or other adults sometimes
ask what the children and I talk about. I usually encourage them to ask one of the children. For this topic and some other more sensitive ones, I like to let the adults know about my approach and to encourage their feedback both beforehand -about how I propose to work with the kids -and afterwards -how they think the children received the experience.
All in all , my experience with doing children's words on this issue in two congregations has been positive. Being in a congregation that is at least willing to grapple with the issue on the adult level is, of course, a prerequisite. But the guiding principles I've tried to suggest above are just as important. Children are real people who have just as much variety (if less anxiety about that variety) as adults have. We have a responsibility to share God's Word with them on this issue and on any issue that may have an impact on their lives. May God's grace go with us as we try! •
Gregory Dell is pastor of Euclid Avenue UMC in
Oak Park, Illinois. and has written for engage/social action Qnd the Methodist Federation for Social Action. Prior to his appointment to
Euclid Avenue UMC, he was pastor of Wheadon
UMC, a Reconciling Congregation in EVQnston, Illinois. Euclid Avenue is now in the process of
considering becoming a Reconciling Congregation.
16 Open Hands
Loving the Different Ones: Three Children's Stories
By Roger Gilkeson
Children's stories, told by
members of the congregation, are a regular feature of Sunday morning worship at Dumbarton UMC in Washington, D.C. We have some wonderful story tellers at Dumbarton, so it was with some trepidation that I agreed to tell my first story several years ago. As I look back on that first meeting with the children ("This Little Light of Mine"), I realize that the stories I told had a connection to my later decision to open up more to members of the congregation about my homosexuality (see my earlier article , "Opening Closet Doors," Open Hands, Spring 1988.)
In these stories -there have been about six now, of which three are highlighted below -I developed several themes: we are all equally worthy in God's sight; not fitting in with the majority might be a blessing in disguise; and people want to be known by their individual names, not some label that fixes them abstractly in a particular group.
"This Little Light of Mine"
The children had learned this song in Sunday School, and the idea was that I would talk about it with them and they would sing it while I accompanied them on the piano. It was Epiphany Sunday, so the theme was especially appropriate .
As a child, I had been inspired by this little song, linking it in my mind with the biblical injunction not to hide one's light under a bushel, as well as the Parable of the Talents (don't bury them).
I began by having the children close their eyes and experience darkness, then open them and look for images of light in the church building -the light streaming through the stained-glass windows, the candle light, even the exit light.
Then we talked about the words of the song: "This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine!" We discussed what kind of "light" the song referred to. I asked if they thought that children's lights and adult lights were the same size (yes); if people in other countries had different-sized lights (no); if rich and poor people's lights were different (no). I asked what kept peopIe's lights from shining (hunger, fear, anger).
I quickly sensed that the children knew -they were really teaching us adults about an innocent desire to see everybody as equal, with lights ready to shine to make the world a better place. When they sang the song, joined by the whole congregation, I glimpsed a bit of what the church could be for the dispossessed among us.
"Rudolph. the Red-Nosed Reindeer"
This was a rather humorous story based on the familiar Christmas song. I told it during an Advent service in which the children were dressed as clowns (to be featured in the annual children's Christmas pageant). I dressed as a clown myself, purposely leaving off my red nose, which I wanted to tie in with Rudolph's story at the end.
I asked the children why the other reindeer "used to laugh and call him names." They answered quickly: "Because he was different."
Then I asked how they thought that made Rudolph feel. With little hesitation or prodding from me: "Hurt." "Left out." "Angry."
( continued)
could love someone in a special way who isn't the same kind of person they love in a special way. You know what? I think all the special loves are okay! And I think God thinks so too! The most important thing is that all of our loves be caring and loving loves, not hurting loves. Those are the kind of loves that God wants for us. That's why God made so many different and wonderful people in so many different and wonderful ways -just like you!"
With that, I ask the children if they have any questions or last things they want to share. I try to respond as honestly and completely as I can. Even if a child is way off the topic, it's sometimes important to hear at least a little piece. Then, I count "One, two, three!" and all the children say a loud, corporate, and hopefully heartfelt "Amen ."
P arents or other adults sometimes
ask what the children and I talk about. I usually encourage them to ask one of the children. For this topic and some other more sensitive ones, I like to let the adults know about my approach and to encourage their feedback both beforehand -about how I propose to work with the kids -and afterwards -how they think the children received the experience.
All in all , my experience with doing children's words on this issue in two congregations has been positive. Being in a congregation that is at least willing to grapple with the issue on the adult level is, of course, a prerequisite. But the guiding principles I've tried to suggest above are just as important. Children are real people who have just as much variety (if less anxiety about that variety) as adults have. We have a responsibility to share God's Word with them on this issue and on any issue that may have an impact on their lives. May God's grace go with us as we try! •
Gregory Dell is pastor of Euclid Avenue UMC ill
Oak Park. Illinois. and has written for engage/social action and the Methodist Federation for Social Action . Prior to his appointment to
Euclid A venue UMC. he was pastor of Wheadon
UMC. a Reconciling Congregation in Evanston. Illinois. Euclid Avenue is now in the process of considering becoming a Reconciling Congregation.
16 Open Hands
Loving the Different Ones: Three Children's Stories
By Roger Gilkeson
Children's stories, told by
members of the congregation, are a regular feature of Sunday morning worship at Dumbarton UMC in Washington, D.C . We have some wonderful story tellers at Dumbarton, so it was with some trepidation that I agreed to tell my first story several years ago. As I look back on that first meeting with the children ("This Little Light of Mine"), I realize that the stories I told had a connection to my later decision to open up more to members of the congregation about my homosexuality (see my earlier article, "Opening Closet Doors," Open Hands, Spring 1988.)
In these stories -there have been about six now, of which three are highlighted below -I developed several themes: we are all equally worthy in God's sight; not fitting in with the majority might be a blessing in disguise; and people want to be known by their individual names, not some label that fixes them abstractly in a particular group.
"This Little Light of Mine"
The children had learned this song in Sunday School, and the idea was that I would talk about it with them and they would sing it while I accompanied them on the piano. It was Epiphany Sunday, so the theme was especially appropriate.
As a child, I had been inspired by this little song, linking it in my mind with the biblical injunction not to hide one's light under a bushel, as well as the Parable of the Talents (don't bury them).
I began by having the children close their eyes and experience darkness, then open them and look for images of light in the church building -the light streaming through the stained-glass windows, the candle light, even the exit light.
Then we talked about the words of the song: "This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine!" We discussed what kind of "light" the song referred to. I asked if they thought that children's lights and adult lights were the same size (yes); if people in other countries had different-sized lights (no); if rich and poor people's lights were different (no). I asked what kept people's lights from shining (hunger, fear, anger).
I quickly sensed that the children knew -they were really teaching us adults about an innocent desire to see everybody as equal , with lights ready to shine to make the world a better place. When they sang the song, joined by the whole congregation, I glimpsed a bit of what the church could be for the dispossessed among us.
"Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer"
This was a rather humorous story based on the familiar Christmas song. I told it during an Advent service in which the children were dressed as clowns (to be featured in the annual children's Christmas pageant). I dressed as a clown myself, purposely leaving off my red nose, which I wanted to tie in with Rudolph's story at the end.
I asked the children why the other reindeer "used to laugh and call him names." They answered quickly: "Because he was different."
Then I asked how they thought that made Rudolph feel. With little hesitation or prodding from me: "Hurt." "Left out." "Angry."
I told the children that I had wondered why Rudolph hadn't run away after being treated so badly by his friends. In searching for an answer to this question, I told them I had finally located Rudolph's diary. I discovered in the diary that Rudolph had hung in there -to grow up to be the greatest reindeer of all -because he had gone to his parents and told them how badly he felt. And his parents, in addition to being loving and warm, had reminded him of the song he had learned in reindeer Sunday school -you guessed it: "This Little Light of Mine." His mother suggested that Rudolph's little light must want to shine so much that it was trying to come out through his nose!
And so, I explained, a reassured Rudolph, with his shiny nose, became the leader, lighting Santa's way through the fog so that the presents could be delivered on Christmas. Then, in sympathy with Rudolph, I put red grease paint on my nose. I quietly offered to add the red nose to other children who wanted it, including a baby who smiled as I touched her tiny nose.
The main point of "Rudolph" was that feeling different and rejected could ultimately lead to awareness of a talent that would later blossom forth to be wonderful ("The last shall be first.") For the child who might be gay or lesbian -or has some other quality that separates him or her from the rest-that is something he or she really needs to hear. When you don't fit in and feel you have to hide, you gain relief from knowing that others have had to struggle with feeling different and have somehow triumphed. The lesson for the others might be simply that it hurts to call other people names. The symbolic identification with the rejected Rudolph by choosing to wear a red nose gave another meaning to the story: what would happen if people chose a symbolic identification with those that had been rejected as different?
Labels
Continuing the theme of namecalling begun in the Rudolph story, another Sunday I brought in stick-on name tags. I explained that these were called "labels" and were useful for identifying each other's names. We all wrote our names on the labels and stuck them on so we could call each other by name.
I explained that sometimes I cover up my own name by thinking badly about myself. I wrote the word "Stupid" on another tag and covered up my name tag with it. I wasn't "Roger"; I was "Stupid." I showed how difficult it is to separate the two labels, which were well stuck together. This is what happens when we don't remember who we really are. It's hard to let our lights shine when we cover up our selves with bad feelings .
And it can be equally hurtful to others when we label them. We cover up their names by thinking of them as simply part of a group. We call them "fat," or "homeless," or "enemy."
"And if I don't know your name," I added, "I think of each of you as some little kid, rather than as the special, individual, and important person each of you is. If you don't know my name, you think of me as just 'that man with a beard. '" (One little boy David -surprised me at this point by exclaiming, "That's true !")
"So let's remember what labels
are for," I said. "They're for helping us
learn each other's names, not for sticking
people into groups that keep us from knowing them as real people, people with names like us."
A s I talked with the children, telling them these stories, I was impressed by their instinctive sense of fairness. When given a choice, they always picked the simple answer of empathy with the other. In "This Little Light," for example, they intuitively sensed that everyone -the plain and the fancy, the rich and the poor -all have lights the same size, just waiting to shine. And perhaps more important, they understood what keeps their lights from shining, whether it be physical (hunger) or mental (fear or anger). They also identified with Rudolph -we all feel like outcasts at one time or another -and understood his feeling left out Uust as gay/lesbian people sometimes feel left out). In "Labels," they quickly grasped the idea that kids are just kids until we call them by their names, and then they become special, personal, real Uust as gay and lesbian people are just "homosexuals" until we know them in their complexity and fullness as individuals).
These concepts, deceptively simpIe, are at the heart of the struggle, I feel, for acceptance of gay people within the church. It is the innocence of children, their innate sense of fairness and empathy with the powerless, that we need to nurture.
The themes of my stories, I realize in retrospect, are ones the child in me wanted and needed to hear again. Telling the stories helped me clarify my own ideas about fairness, about being different from the majority, and about being accepted as a whole person. They were both an outlet for me -a way to express myself and my ideas to the children and the adults in my congregation -and a means by which I was unconsciously healing something in myself. Adults could hear the themes -all related to nonjudgmentallove and God's grace -and easily relate them to specifically gay/lesbian concerns. Children, I hoped, would simply find some positive meaning in their lives as they grow up in a world of pressures to conform and fears about being different. •
Roger Gilkeson is an editor at the National 111stitutes ofHealth. He lives in Washington. D.C.. and is a member of Dumbarton UMC. a Reconciling Congregation.
Open Hands 17
r,w bout no single topic do adolescents know so much (jJII and yet so little as homosexuality. Likewise, about no other sex-related topic do adolescents want to discuss so much and yet so little as homosexuality. It is approachavoidance: they want to talk about it, but they don't want to appear interested in it.
At various points in history, homosexuality has been considered the noblest of all loves, a gift from God, the most heinous of sins, the grounds for execution, and a psychological condition. But what do adolescents think? What are their images of gay men and lesbians? How do they feel about friendships with lesbians and gay men? What sort of value judgments do preteens and teenagers place on homosexual relationships?
These questions were going through my mind as I began interviewing groups of junior high school students within the context of three sessions of a Sunday school sexuality course. The eight adolescents involved were children of members of a small, liberal, Protestant, social activist church located on the north side of Chicago. This church, which also houses a Metropolitan Community Church parish, is open and affirming of homosexuality.
Groups, instead of individuals, were interviewed in order to create an interactive atmosphere among the adolescents. The group size ranged from three to six individuals. Ages ranged from II to 14.
Each session started with a general question to elicit attitudes and images of homosexuality. We used role playing and situational problem-solving to bring out individual feelings about homosexual relationships and friendships. The interviews were informal. I told the groups I was interested in their honest and candid thoughts. I sometimes gave them a scapegoat, to keep their responses genuine, by asking them what their "friends" thought.
These adolescents became very quiet when the conversation turned to homosexuality. At the same time, they were very interested in who was gay. They wanted to know names and how I knew them and if I was gay. Their curiosity was almost feverish, as if they were starved for any information -all the while checking themselves to not show too much interest. Their curiosity spotlights one truth about this culture: no one wants to talk to youth about homosexuality .
By the time they have reached puberty, adolescents have developed many of their ideas and images of homosexual people. They "know" how a gay man dresses, talks, walks, and acts. How do they know? As one young woman put it, "Well, you just know!"
An adolescent is much like a corporation with many stockholders. Each of the stockholders -friends, parents, teachers, church, radio, television -seeks to maintain an influence on one or more divisions of the corporate adolescent. Occasionally these stockholders fight among themselves for controlling interest in the life of the corporation. On rare occasions, they work together. The two most powerful stockholders of the corporate adolescent are usually the peer group and the television. Both of these have a strong effect on an adolescent's attitudes toward homosexuality. Yet, in the area of stereotyping gay men, television is the major stockholder.
18 Open Hands
The predominant stereotype was the Michael Jackson motif. Masculine men such as athletes were definitely not gay. Feminine men were definitely gay. When articulating her image of a homosexual person, one 12-year-old girl said, "Sort of like Michael Jackson; you know, a guy who has long hair and a high voice and walks like a woman." In the minds of many of these youth, gay equaled feminine.
This stereotype played itself out in interactions with supposed homosexuals. One 13-year-old boy spoke of another boy his same age whom he suspected of being gay. "He always got real close to you when he talked to you ... and he touched you on the arm like a girl would ... and he was always saying 'Hi,' (a long, drawn out, and breathy 'hi'). He was weird." If a male's body language , voice, or gestures contained anything smacking of femininity, an adolescent automatically thought of him as gay.
The feminine gay man was a negative stereotype -especially for the adolescent boys. Their tone of voice and posture indicated disapproval-though none of them ever said "I don't like gays." The adolescent girls, however, did not seem to care much one way or the other. My theory was that the stereotypical gay man was an implicit threat to an adolescent boy's developing masculinity. They felt threatened because their own sexuality was untried -or, if tried, unconfirmed. Television and peers have told them that gay equals feminine, and male femininity is weird. And very few adolescent boys respect weird .
The youth I interviewed did not stereotype lesbians. None of them could think of any lesbians they knew -either their own age or adults. They operated on the assumption that when one is talking about homosexuals, one is talking about men. I continually redirected the interviews to include lesbians. Only one adolescent, a 13-year-old girl, verbally acknowledged the existence of lesbians.
Most all the attitudes toward lesbian women were the opposite of attitudes toward gay men. When asked if they might consider a friendship with a lesbian, each said that would be okay. However, a few boys had indicated that they would probably never have a gay friend. What makes a lesbian an acceptable friend but not a gay man? What became clear during the interviews was that youth are not as opinionated about lesbians as they are about gay men. Lesbians are an unknown category, a mystery.
The boys feared two things from gay men: assault and AIDS. While we were discussing what their friends thought about gay men, one 12-year-old boy remarked "My friends don't mind it, but they say they want to stay away from it. ... They are afraid of being assaulted." The articulation of this fear denoted a disturbing image ofgay men: an image of the dirty old man hanging out near the school yard. Within the minds of some adolescents, a reasonable fear of assault or molestation from a stranger has become an unreasonable fear of all homosexual men.
This fear is further compounded by AIDS. When asked if knowing a person was gay might make a difference in how they interacted with that person, most of the youth said "No." A few said "Yes," their reason being that they didn't want to catch AIDS. Their reasoning was very straightforward: gay men are the primary carriers of AIDS, and, if one has contact with a gay man, one can contract AIDS (supposedly by shaking hands or breathing the same air). I told them that AIDS cannot be transmitted through casual contact but through an exchange of body fluids. They acknowledged that I was correct. But I got the feeling I had missed the point of their reasoning, that something bigger was going on. For those who fear, assault and AIDS are symptomatic of a greater, more diffuse fear: homophobia.
Although the adolescents I interviewed expressed a number of negative attitudes toward homosexuality, they made it very clear that "Gay is okay." One 13-year-old boy, when referring to friends he had made through the Metropolitan Community Church, said, "They're normal people too!" He seemed only slightly surprised that gay men didn't act like their television versions. Another 14-year-old boy said he could interact with gays on a normal level without feeling the slightest bit of unease.
Most of the adolescents agreed that the environment of their church led to an accepting attitude. None of them placed a value judgment of "bad" or "wrong" on homosexuality. As one adolescent put it, "A gay is a gay."
But these youth made it clear that homosexuality was not for them. After acknowledging that gay and lesbian people are normal, one 13-year-old boy added, "But I'm not going to get in love with them or anything. " Adolescents have a need to assert their own sexuality. Because their sexuality is untried or unconfirmed, it is a supposed sexuality. They might grudgingly accept gay men and lesbians, but they do not w~n~ to ~e thought of as gay. In the minds of many adolescents, It IS gUilt by association. In addition, youth cannot fully affirm lesbians and gay men because the media and the friends consider it deviant or weird. Perhaps adolescents would like to fully affirm and accept homosexuality, but no one tells them how to do it and still remain socially acceptable.
dolescents are a delightful jumble of dualisms and contradictions. They are asked to make sense of a
culture and a society that doesn't know how to make sense of itself. Television portrays a negative stereotype; their friends and the media instill the fear of assault and AIDS, and all the while adolescents know of few positive role models or people to talk to about homosexuality. These particular you th are doing well to express any accepting attitudes, especially when they are given little help in formulating these attitudes. They don't know how to express their interest -but they want to talk about homosexuality. As one 12-year-old girl said, "If I know who they are, I can see how they act, and then I can see that they are normal people, too." •
Todd Schuett is a seminary student at the University of Chicago. He teaches a teen Sunday School class at Wellington Avenue United Church of Christ in Chicago. where he is an intern.
Open Hands 19
Loving My Gay Dad
by Elizabeth Bowman
I don't remember when I was first told my father was gay. I do remember I had lots of questions. I didn't know what gay meant or why my dad was gay until I got older.
A few times I used to wish it was all a dream and when I woke up it wouldn't be there, but it always was. Learning to ask questions helped me to understand it more.
My dad was very helpful. I could always ask him anything, but a lot of the time I was too embarrassed to ask or tell him anything. My mother was also extremely supportive. She saw my
sister Rachel and me through times we thought things like, "Maybe he doesn't love me because I'm a girl." Most of my dad's friends are really nice, and they don't act differently than anybody else.
I've only told two of my friends, because most other kids in my class think the first person they see walking down the street who looks the slightest bit different is gay. Ifsome of them found out, they'd think , "Her father's gay so she must
be a lesbian," or "Since her father is gay she probably has
AIDS." I don't mean that that should
bother me, but it does.
The two friends I have told do understand, especially Melanie. They don't treat me any differently than they ever did, but they watch so they don't say anything offensive. We don't talk about my dad much, but if they ever have questions, usually they ask.
All people have different ideas. Sometimes I read or hear that talk about gay men and lesbians being against God. I believe God created and loves all people, including lesbians and gay men.
I don't know if I'd be different if my father wasn't gay, but now I know I'm not prejudiced. My father being gay has helped me see people for who, not what, they are .•
Elizabeth Bowman is in the eighth grade at St. Stephen's School in Cleveland. Ohio.
20 Open Hands
RESOURCES
BOOKS FOR ADULTS
C hild Rearing
Carmichael, Carrie. Non-Sexist Childraising. Boston: Beacon, 1977. Describes what it means and how to raise children in a nonsexist, anti homophobic environment.
Pogrebin, Letty Cottin. Growing Up Free: Raising Your Child in the '80s. New York: McGraw-Hill, 1980. Well-written book on nonsexist child rearing . One chapter discusses "Homosexuality, Hysteria and Children: How Not to Be a Homophobic Parent."
Pollack, Sandra, and Jeanne Vaughan, eds. Politics of the Heart. Ithaca, N.Y. : Firebrand Books, 1987. Stories, poems, and music by lesbians for a variety of uses, including parenting and games for children.
Children ofLesbian/Gay Parents
Gantz, Joe. Whose Child Cries: Children of Gay Parents Talk about Their Lives. Rolling Hills Estates, Calif.: Jalmar Press, 1983. Children in five families talk about what it is like to be raised in households with lesbian or gay male parents.
Hanscombe, Gillian E., and Jackie Forster. Rocking the Cradle -Lesbian Mothers: A Challenge in Family Living. Boston: Alyson, 1982. Includes discussion of how children feel about growing up with lesbian mothers and the special implications of lesbian motherhood.
Schullenburg, Joy. Gay Parenting. Garden City,
N. Y.: Anchor PresslDoubleday, 1985. A guide to help lesbians and gay men with the special challenges they are likely to face in parenting.
Educating about Sexuality and Homophobia
American Friends Service Committee. Bridges of Respect: Creating Support for Lesbian and Gay Youth. Philadelphia: AFSC, 1988. Provides basic discussion of homophobia in the context of working with young people. Good bibliography of publications, organizations, and other resources. Available for $7 .50 from AFSC, 1501 Cherry Street, Philadelphia, PA 19102.
Bell, Ruth, and Leni Ziegler Wildflower. Talking with Your Teenager: A Book for Parents. New York: Random House, 1984. Discusses how to improve communication on all aspects of parent/teen relationships, including lesbian/gay concerns.
Human Rights Foundation, Inc. Demystifying Homosexuality: A Teaching Guide about Lesbians and Gay Men. New York: Irvington, 1984. Excellent educational resource to help teachers and counselors teach students about homosexuality.
Interracial Books for Children Bulletin. Double issue on "Homophobia and Education." Vol. 14, nos. 3&4, 1983. Discusses homophobia and its relationship to sexism and racism and how education of children and youth can help challenge all these forms of prejudice and fear.
Planned Parenthood. How to Talk with Your Child about Sexuality: A Parent's Guide. Garden City, N.Y.: Doubleday, 1986. A detailed book to help parents teach children about sexuality. Chapter on "The Top Seven Questions" includes homosexuality.
BOOKS FOR YOUNG ADULTS
Fiction
Brown, Rita Mae. Rubyfruit Jungle. New York: Bantam, 1973. An impoverished teenage girl in the South comes out to herself and her friends. A classic.
Futcher, Jane . Crush. Boston: Little, Brown, 1981. A friendship between two girls in boarding school blossoms into romantic attraction.
Garden, Nancy. Annie on My Mind. New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 1982. Two female New York high school students meet and fall in love. Novel presents two lesbian teachers as role models. Selected by the American Library Association as among the Best of the Best Books for Young Adults, 1970-1982.
Hobson, Laura Z. Consenting Adult. New York: Warner, 1976. A teenager comes out to himself and his mother; written from the mother's perspective.
Miller, Isabel. Patience and Sarah. New York: Fawcett, 1976. Two women live with -and fall in love with -each other in 19th-century New England. Winner of American Li brary Association's Gay Book Award.
Snyder, Anne. Counter Play. New York: Signet, 1981. A novel about two high school football stars -one who is gay and one who is pushed to choose between protecting his West Point scholarship and standing by his friend.
Nonfiction
Alyson, Sasha, ed. Young, Gay, and Proud! 2d ed. Boston: Alyson, 1985. A landmark book addressing the needs, problems, and general invisibility of lesbian/gay youth.
Bell, Ruth. Changing Bodies, Changing Lives: A Book for Teens on Sex and Relationships. Rev. ed. New York: Random House, 1987. A guidebook for young adults with good discussions of homosexuality, including samesex relationships and ways that homophobia hurts heterosexuals as well as gay/lesbian people.
Fricke, Aaron. Reflections of a Rock Lobster: A Story about Growing Up Gay. Boston: Alyson, 1981. A gay teenager's moving and humorous story about growing up and going to court for the right to take a male date to his senior prom.
Heron, Ann, ed. One Teenager in Ten: Writings by Gay and Lesbian Youth. Boston: Alyson, 1983. Youth in the United States and Canada talk about the joys and struggles of discovering their gay/lesbian sexualities.
BOOKS FOR CHILDREN
Fiction
de Paola, Tomie. Oliver Button Is a Sissy. San Diego: Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, 1979. Oliver Button is made fun of because he prefers dancing school to football .
Severance, Jane. When Megan Went Away. Chapel Hill, N.C.: Lollipop Press, 1979. A young girl deals with loss, anger, and loneliness when her mother and her mother's female lover separate.
N onfiction
Blank, Joani, and Marcia Quackenbush. A Kid's First Book about Sex. Burlingame, Calif.: Yes Press, 1985. Chapters cover such topics as "Your Body," "What Is Sexy," and "Being Together." "Partners" explains that people can have sexual feelings for persons of the same or opposite sex.
B6sche, Susanne. English translation by Louis Mackay. Jenny Lives with Eric and Martin. London: Gay Men's Press, 1983. A weekend in the life of a Danish girl who lives with her father and his male lover.
de Saint Phalle , Niki . AIDS -You Can't Catch It Holding Hands. San Francisco: Lapis Press, 1986. A book for children about AIDS, including discussion of the HIV virus, the disease, and people who have AIDS.
Drescher, Joan. Your Family, My Family. New York: Walker and Co., 1980. Describes many diverse families, including "Margo and Rita are Peggy's family."
Rofes, Eric, ed. The Kid's Book of Divorce. Lexington, Mass.: Stephen Greene, 1981. Includes section on "Loving Your Gay Parent."
Open Hands 21
~~_ RE___
:,) RC_P POR_T
New Reconciling
Congregations
Our grass-roots movement welcoming lesbians and gay men into full participation in the life of the church now includes 35 Reconciling Congregations and 5 Reconciling Conferences. We welcome the 3 local churches who publicly declared themselves to be Reconciling Congregations this past spring and summer.
Hamilton UMC (San Francisco)
Hamilton UMC is an inner city church located in the Haight-Ashbury district of San Francisco. It is a congregation with a small active membership and a long history of providing food, shelter, and youth services to the surrounding community. Typical attendance on a Sunday morning is 20 to 30 people.
Hamilton held two meetings in its study to become a Reconciling Congregation . In the first meeting, the participants shared personal experiences of being excluded for being Black, elderly, a single parent, a woman, part of an interracial marriage, or gay or lesbian . In the second meeting, the congregation undertook a Bible study to deal with passages that have been used against gay and lesbian persons.
The vote to become a Reconciling Congregation was an extension of the congregation's commitment to being a worship community that is inclusive of all persons. As Judy Anne Kriege, chair of the Hamilton R.C . Committee, states, "Becoming a Reconciling Congregation has helped us to become more intentional about our efforts toward this goal and to give us a greater self-identification with the work of Christ as we understand it."
St. Francis in the Foothills (Tucson, Arizona)
St. Francis in the Foothills was formed about 20 years ago. Under the leadership of its current pastor, David Wilkinson , the congregation has grown from 80 to over 600 members in
22 Open Hands
the past six years. Much of the church's growth can be attributed to its outreach to persons of diverse religious backgrounds -Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, as well as Protestant -and diverse lifestyles.
The ministries of the congregation seek to integrate spirituality with social involvement. Prayer and meditation are important elements in the community's life, and a healing service is held weekly. St. Francis attempts to maintain the intimacy of family in a large congregation by inviting persons to participate in small groups, like the "base communities" that exist in many Central American churches.
The congregation is involved in many social service programs and has also been involved in the sanctuary movement for Central American refugees. St. Francis has sent delegations to its sister churches in Estonia and Mexico and hosted Soviet delegations in Tucson.
In its process of becoming a Reconciling Congregation, a committee produced a 10-page educational booklet which was distributed to all members of the congregation. A copy of the booklet can be obtained from the church.
Wesley UMC
(Sheboygan, Wisconsin)
In 1987 Wesley UMC celebrated its 50th anniversary. It was founded on its current site through the merger of two congregations, one formerly German-speaking and the other English-speaking.
During the 1940s and 1950s, Wesley grew to a membership of almost 400 persons. Membership declined over the next two decades to about 200 members in 1980.
The 1980s have brought a new era of growth and outreach for the congregation. A number of outreach ministries have been formed: the Loaves and Fishes Food Pantry, an ongoing evangelism effort, a "singles" ministry, and cable TV ministries. During this period, the congregation has also undertaken and paid for major maintenance and renovation work on its property.
In 1987 the congregation adopted a team ministry approach for its staff. Two staff persons , male and female , share the responsibilities of worship, preaching, education, visitation, and administration.
The congregation looks forward to new opportunities for church growth and ministry in the coming years.
Next RCP Convocation
Set for
February 16-18, 1990
The RCP Advisory Committee has begun planning for the second national gathering of Reconciling Congregations, to be held February 16-18, 1990 , in the Bay Area of California. The committee will be seeking input for convocation program and workshop ideas from Reconciling Congregations in the coming months.
At its August meeting in Washington, D.C., the Advisory Committee also made plans for supporting and providing resources for prospective Reconciling Congregations across the country. Various members of the committee have taken responsibility for different regions of the country to serve as resource persons to individuals and congregations who inquire about the program.
Members of the RCP Advisory Committee are: Reva Anderson (Toledo, Ohio), Ann Thompson Cook (Washington, D.C.), Rev. Finees Flores (Chicago), Kathy Jones (Philadelphia) , Richard Monroe (Oklahoma City), Rev. Kim Smith (San Francisco), Rev. Tim TennantJayne (Minneapolis), and Rev. Duane Wilkerson (San Francisco). Maggie Roe (Denver) is the liaison from Affirmation's Coordinating Committee. The five Reconciling Conferences have been invited to send a representative to the committee. Representatives named to date are Rev. Marty Morrison (New York) and Shirley Dare (Northern IlIinois). (continued)
Rep REPORT
NEW RESOURCES FROM THE
RECONCILING CONGREGATION PROGRAM
Rep Buttons and Ribbons
A Resource for Dialogue about the
And God Loves Each One:
Central UMC (Toledo, Ohio) Church and Homosexuality created buttons and ribbons saying "I Support Reconciling Congregations"
This appealing, friendly booklet to distribute at the recent session ofresponds to the typical Christian's funtheir annual conference. Because ofdamental questions: How do people the popularity and attractiveness ofbecome gay or lesbian? What does the these items, the members of CentralBible really say about homosexuality?
have made a large quantity of them What's it like to be gay or lesbian in the available to other congregations and church today? The booklet's gentle, individuals.
person-to-person approach is a perfect The button is 3 inches in diameterstarting place for congregations or inwith "I Support Reconciling Congredividuals dealing with questions about gations" and the RCP logo printed inhomosexuality. The booklet is written purple ink on a white background. The by Ann Thompson Cook of Dumbarton ribbon is purple with the same message UMC (Washington, D.C.) and brings and logo printed in gold.
together the input and experience of The buttons are available for $2 many other leading educators and each (10 or more -$1. 50 each) and scholars.
the ribbons cost $1 .00 each (10 or more Now in production, this 16-page -$.75 each).
booklet will be released in December. Advance copies may be ordered at
All resources from the Reconciling
$4.95 ($3.00 each for orders of 10 +
Congregation Program can be obcopies)
(includes shipping and handtained
by writing: RCP, P.O. Box
ling).
24213, Nashville, TN 37202. Prepaying your order saves the program time and cost.
Annual Conference
Update
In the last issue of Open Hands, we printed a roundup of actions related to the Reconciling Congregation Program in the United Methodist annual conferences this past spring and summer. Since that report, we have learned of actions in two other conferences.
The Oregon-Idaho Conference adopted a resolution urging each local church to become a Reconciling Congregation. A resolution to declare Oregon-Idaho a Reconciling Conference was postponed a year for further study.
The Wisconsin Conference appointed a study committee to review the ramifications of becoming a Reconciling Conference. The committee is to report back to next year's session of the annual conference.
On behalf of all the Reconciling Congregations and other supporters, we express appreciation for those individuals who continue to advocate full participation of lesbians and gay men in the local, regional, and national church.
Our Ecumenical
Movement
Our enthusiasm about the growth of the Reconciling Congregation Program swells when we remember that there are now more than 125 mainline Protestant congregations which have publicly welcomed lesbians and gay men into their community life. These congregations are in the United Methodist Presbyterian, Lutheran, and United Church of Christ denominations.
As has been our tradition in past years, we offer a list of all these congregations and encourage you to contact congregations of other denominations in your community.
More Light Churches (Presbyterian)
NATIONAL CONTACT:
James Anderson
P.O. Box 38
New Brunswick. NJ 08903
Church of the Covenant Good Shepherd-Faith 67 Newbury Street Presbyterian Boston. MA 02116 152 W. 66th Street
New York, rh 10023
Christ Church Presbyterian Red Stone Campus West Park Presbyterian Burlington, VT 05401 165 W. 86th Street
New York , NY 10024
First Presbyterian & Trinity III Irvington Avenue Lafayette A venue Presbyterian South Orange, NJ 07079 85 S. Oxford Street
Brooklyn, NY 11217Prospect Street Presbyterian 2 Prospect Street Trenton , NJ Q8618
( continued)
Open Hands 23
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~~----A- ~-.u~-on.. c-ong-reg-ati-ons~
t--J gr-:~-~-E-~-lm~-~~-.~:-naIC-hurc-h--R-eco-nc-mn-g
( continued)
South Presbyterian 343 Broadway Dobbs Ferry, NY 10522
Old South Haven Presbyterian South Country Road, Box 203 Brookhaven, NY 11719
Westminster Presbyterian 724 Delaware Avenue
Buffalo, NY 14222
North Presbyterian 90 Lewis Street Geneva. NY 14456
John Calvin Presbyterian
50 Ward Hill Road
Henrietta, NY 14467
Third Presbyterian 4 Meigs Street
Rochester. NY 14607
Downtown Presbyterian
121 N. Fitzhugh Street
Rochester. NY 14614
Calvary St. Andrews 68 Ashland Street
Rochester. NY 14620
Westminster Presbyterian 4001 Street. S.W. Washington . DC 20024
Rockville Presbyterian 215 W. Montgomery A venue Rockville. MD 20850
First & Franklin Presbyterian 210 W. Madison Street Baltimore, MD 21201
Waverly Presbyterian Old York Road at 34th SI.
Baltimore. MD 21218
Central Presbyterian 318 W. Kentucky Street
Louisville. KY 40203
Northside Presbyterian
1679 Broadway
Ann Arbor. MI48105 St. Luke Presbyterian
3121 Groveland School Road
Wayzata. MN 55391
Lineoln Park Presbyterian
600 W. Fullerton Parkway
Chicago. IL 60614
McKinley Memorial
Presbyterian 809 S. 5th Street Champaign, IL 61820
Bethany Presbyterian 4523 Cedar Springs
Dallas, TX 75219
United University Presbyterian 817 W. 34th Street Los Angeles, CA 90007
West Hollywood Presbyterian 7350 Sunset Blvd. Los Angeles. CA 90046
Noe Valley Ministry
1021 Sanchez Street San Francisco. CA 94114
Seventh A venue Presbyterian 1329 7th Avenue San Francisco, CA 94122
First Presbyterian Church
1140 Cowper Street
Palo Alto. CA 94301
Covenant Presbyterian 670 E. Meadow Drive
Palo Alto. CA 94306
Westminster Presbyterian 240 Tiburon Blvd. Tiburon. CA 94920
First Presbyterian
P.O. Box 236 Sausalito, CA 94965
St. Andrews Presbyterian
Drake & Donahue Avenues Marin City, CA 94965
Terrace View Presbyterian 4700 228th Street. S.W. Mountlake Terrace, W A 98043
Open and Affirming Churches (United Church of Christ)
NATIONAL CONTACT:
Ann Day
P.O. Box 403
Holden, MA 01520
First Congregational Church
165 Main Street Amherst, MA 01002
The Wendell Church Wendell. MA 01379
United Congregational Church 6 Institute Road Worcester, MA 01609
Church of the Covenant 67 Newbury Street Boston, MA 021 16
Church of the United
Community 11 6 Roxbury Street Roxbury . MA 021 19
Riverside Church 490 Riverside Drive New York. NY 10027
Amherst Community Church 77 Washington Highway Snyder. NY 14226
24 Open Hands
Riverside Salem Church
P.O. Box 207 Grand Island, NY 14072
First Congregational Church 945 G Street, N.W. Washington, DC 20001
Grace UCC 3285 Cleveland-Massillon Rd. Norton , OH 44203
First Congregational Church 500 8th Avenue , S.E. Minneapolis, MN 55414
University Church 5655 S. University Avenue Chicago , IL 60637
Wellington Avenue UCC 615 Wellington Avenue Chicago, IL 60657
First Congregational Church 1128 Pi ne Boulder, CO 80302 932 E. Altadena Drive 1912 Central Avenue Altadena, CA 91001 Alameda, CA 94501
La Mesa Community Church Peace UCC 230 Lighthouse Road 777 Oakland Avenue Santa Barbara, CA 93109 Oakland, CA 94611
First Congregational Church College A venue 432 Mason Street Congregational San Francisco, CA 94102 1341 College Avenue
Modesto, CA 95350
Reconciled in Christ Churches (Lutheran)
NATIONAL CONTACT:
Rose Smith
12602 Park Street
Cerritos, CA 90701
Mt. Olivet Lutheran Prospect at Springs SI. Shrewsbury, MA 01545
Grace & St. Paul's Lutheran
123 W. 71st Street New York, NY 10023
University Church of
Incarnation 3637 Chestnut Street Philadelphia. PA 19104
Community of Christ
Lutheran 1812 Monroe Street. N.W. Washington. DC 20010
St. Mark's Lutheran
1900 SI. Paul Street Baltimore, MD 21218
St. Timothy Lutheran
P.O. Box 17552 Tampa, FL 33682
Lord of Light Lutheran 80 IS. Forest A venue Ann Arbor, M148104
Village Church
130 E. Juneau Avenue Milwaukee, WI 53202
St. Paul-Reformation Lutheran 100 N. Oxford Street SI. Paul, MN 55104
Holy Trinity Lutheran 2730 E. 31 st Street Minneapolis , MN 55406
Our Savior'S Lutheran 2639 Thomas A venue N. Minneapolis. MN 55411
Lutheran Campus Ministry 317 17th Avenue S.E. Minneapolis, MN 55414
Grace University Lutheran
Harvard & Delaware Sts., S.E.
Minneapolis , MN 55414
Edina Community Lutheran 4113 W. 54th Street Edina , MN 55424
The Community of SI. Martin
2001 Riverside Avenue
Minneapolis, MN 55454
Lutheran Campus Ministry
201 4th Street S. St. Cloud, MN 56301
University Lutheran Center
1201 13th Avenue N.
Fargo, ND 58 102
Lake View Lutheran 835 W. Addison Chicago, IL 60613
Christ the Mediator Lutheran 3100 S. Calumet Chicago, IL 606 15 Maywood House Church 2219 N. Spaulding Chicago, IL 60647
Resurrection Lutheran 3301 N. Seminary Street Chicago, IL 60657
St. Andrew's Lutheran
Church 909 S. Wright Street Champaign, IL 61820
St. Thomas University
Lutheran 805 S. Shields Fort Collins. CO 80521
St. Matthew's Lutheran 11031 Camarillo Street North Hollywood, CA 91602
St. John's Lutheran 584 E. Fremont Sunnyvale, CA 94087
St. Paulus Lutheran 888 Turk Street San Francisco, CA 94102
St. Mark's Lutheran 1101 O'Farrell Street San Francisco, CA 94109
St. Francis Lutheran 152 Church Street San Francisco, CA 94114
Christ Church Lutheran 1090 Quintara Street San Francisco, CA 94116
First United Lutheran 6555 Geary Blvd. San Francisco, CA 94121
University Lutheran 1611 Stanford Avenue Palo Alto , CA 94306
St. Paul's Lutheran 1658 Excelsior Avenue Oakland, CA 94602
Lutheran Peace Fellowship 4100 Mountain Blvd . Oakland, CA 94619
University Lutheran Chapel 2425 College Avenue Berkeley, CA 94704
Shepherd of the Hills 401 Grizzly Peak Blvd. Berkeley, CA 94708
Faith Lutheran Church 355 Los Ranchitos Road San Rafae l, CA 94903
Christ the Good Shepherd 1550 Meridian Road San Jose. CA 95125
Fullness of God Lutheran Holden Village Chelan, WA 98816 Metropolitan-D~ne UMC do Takayuki Ishii 201 W. 13th Street New York, NY 10011
Washington Sq~re UMC do Marty Morrison 135 W. 4th Street New York, NY 10012
Park Slope UMC do Beth Bentley 6th Avenue & 8th Street Brooklyn, NY 11215
Calvary UMC do Chip Coffman 815 S. 48th Street Philadelphia, PA 19143
Dumbarton UMC do Ann Thompson Cook 3133 Dumbarton Avenue, NW Washington, DC 20007
Christ UMC do Kay Moore 4th and 1 Streets, SW Washington, DC 20024
St. John's UMC do Howard Nash 2705 SI. Paul Street Baltimore, MD 21218
Grant Park-Aldengate UMC do Sally Daniel 575 Boulevard, SE Atlanta, GA 30312
Edgehill UMC do Hoyt Hickman 1502 Edgehill Avenue Nashville, TN 37212
Central UMC do Chuck Larkins 701 W. Central at Scottwood Toledo, OH 43610
Wesley UMC do John Human 823 Union Avenue Sheboygan, WI 53081
University UMC do Steven Webster 1127 University Avenue Madison, WI 53715
Wesley UMC do Tim Tennant-Jayne Marquette at Grant Streets Minneapolis, MN 55403
University UMC do Dave Schmidt 633 W. Locust DeKalb, IL 60115
Wheadon UMC do Albert Lunde 2212 Ridge Avenue Evanston, IL 60201
Albany Park UMC c/o Ted Luis, Sr. 3100 W. Wilson Avenue Chicago, IL 60625
Irving Park UMC do David Foster 3801 N. Keeler Avenue Chicago, IL 60641 Kairos UMC do Richard Vogel 6015 McGee Kansas City, MO 64113
St. Mark's UMC do David Schwarz 1130 N. Rampart Street New Orleans, LA 70116
St. Paul's UMC do George Christie 161 5 Ogden Street Denver, CO 80218
St. Francis in the Foothills do P. David Wilkinson 4625 E. River Road Tucson, AZ 85718
United University Church do Edgar Welty 81 7 W. 34th Street Los Angeles, CA 90007
Crescent Heights UMC do Walter Schlosser 1296 N. Fairfax Avenue
W. Hollywood, CA 90046
The Church in Ocean Park do Judy Abdo 235 Hill Street Santa Monica, CA 90405
Wesley UMC do Patty Orlando 1343 E. Barstow Avenue Fresno, CA 93710
Bethany UMC do Rick Grube 1268 Sanchez Street San Francisco, CA 94114
HamiltonUMC do Judy Kreige 1525 Waller Street San Francisco, CA 94117
Calvary UMC do Jerry Brown 1400 Judah Street San francisco, CA 94122
Trinity UMC do Arron Auger 152 Church Street San Francisco, CA 94122
Trinity UMC do Elli Norris 2320 Dana Street Berkeley, CA 94704
Albany UMC do Jim Scurlock 980 Stannage Albany, CA 94706
Sunnyhills UMC do Cliveden Chew Haas 335 Dixon Road Milpitas, CA 95035
St. Paul's UMC do Dianne l. Grimard 101 West Street Vacaville, CA 95688
Wallingford UMC do Margarita Will 2115 N. 42nd Street Seattle, WA 98103
Capitol Hill UMC do Mary Dougherty 128 Sixteenth Street Seattle, WA 98112
Reconciling Conferences
California-Nevada New York Troy Northern Illinois Wyoming