Open Hands Vol 5 No 4 - Journeys to Recovery and Wholeness

Open Hands Vol 5 No 4 - Journeys to Recovery and Wholeness

5

4

1990

Spring

Open Hands is published by Affirmation: United Methodists for Lesbian/Gay
Concerns. Inc.. as a resource for the
Reconciling Congregation Program. It addresses concerns of lesbians and gay men as they relate to the ministry of the
church.
The Reconciling Congregation Program is a network of United Methodist local churches who publicly affirm their ministry with the whole family of God and who welcome lesbians and gay men into their community. In this network. Reconciling Congregations find strength and support as they strive to overcome the divisions caused by prejudice and homophobia in our church and in our society. Together these congregations offer hope that the church can be a reconciled community.
To enable local churches to engage in these ministries. the program provides resource materials. including Open Hands. Resource persons are available locally to assist a congregation that is seeking to become a Reconciling Congrega tion.
Information about the program can be obtained from:
Reconciling Congregation Program
P.O. Box 23636
Washington. DC 20026
Phone: 202/863-1586
Reconciling
Ministries with Lesbians and Gay Men
Acceptance and Spirituality in Recovery ......... . .. ... .... . . .. .. . 4
Thom Harshman
Alcoholism and Drug Dependence among Lesbians and Gay Men ... 7
Tim Davis and David Hudson
HMy Story: From Pain Relief to Addiction" .. ... ...... . . .. .... .. 8
Tim Davis
HRick's Story: Chemical Dependency and AIDS" .. ... . . .... . . . .. 9
David Hudson and Tim Davis
12-Steps Examined .. ......... .............. ............ ........ 10
M. Burrill
Sexual Addiction: An Inside View .. .. ..... .. . .. .... .. ...... . .. .. Il
Hooked on Food: Sustenance or Suicide .......... .... ........... 13
Ruth Lipschutz
Breaking the Silence: Codependence and Abuse in Lesbian/Gay . . . 16 Relationships
Mary Gaul and Nancy VanArsdall Jones
Sustaining the Spirit ..... . . ...... .. . . ..... ... ...... ... .. ... .. .. 15
HService of Healing" Resources .... ..... .... ........ .. ................ ... ... .. .. ... .18 Special Report ... ......... .. ....... ....... .. ..... ...... .. ...... 20 RCP Report . ... ...... . . . ..... .. .. . ... ..... ..... . . .. .... .. . ... . 24
Acceptance and Spirituality in Recovery ... ... ...... .. ......4
Thom Harshman
12-Steps Examined . . . . . . . . . .. 10
M. Burrill
Open Hands 2
Journeys Toward Recovery and Wholeness
T houghts of an "addict" or "alcoholic" often conjure up mental pictures
of derelicts and stumbling bums on the street. In reality,
hundreds of thousands of people, people we know and love, people
we interact with daily, struggle with various addictions.
Research indicates that alcoholism and drug abuse are more prevalent in
the lesbian/gay community than in the population at large. The same is
likely true for other addictions as well. For these reasons, we offer this
issue of Open Hands on addiction and recovery.
Addictions can be divided into two major categories: substance and process.
Both function in essentially the same way and produce the same
results. In substance addictions, the alcohol, drugs, food, etc. ~re ingested.
Such substances are mood-altering and create an increasing physical
dependency. Process addicts are hooked on a specific series of actions or
interactions, such as work, sex, or codependency. The key to addiction is a
person's use of or relationship to a process or substance: Is it used to
avoid what is going on inside that person? Does it take on a life of its
own? Does that process or substance take precedence over family, friends,
or personal health?
Both substance and process addictions are included here. Along with information
on the nature and progression of addictions, we offer the human
side-people telling their own experiences with addiction and recovery
from alcoholism, drug dependency, sexual addiction, and food addiction.
Codependency and its relationship to abuse in gay and lesbian relationships
and the role spirituality plays in addiction are both highlighted here
also.
Addiction touches our lives and the lives of many around us in often invisible
ways. Our intention is to shed light on this painful topic and offer
the hope of recovery to those in need.
Next Issue's Theme:
Celebrating Reconciling Ministries
Reconciling Congregation Program Coordinator
Mark Bowman
Open Hands Co-Editors
M. Burrill Bradley Rymph
This Issue's Coordinators
Tim Davis Mary Z. Longstreth
Graphic Design
Supon Design Group, Inc.
Opt>n Hand... is published four times a year. Subscription is $16 for four issues ($20 outside the U.S.A.I. Single copies are available for $,') each; quantities of 10 or more are $3 each. Permission to reprint is granted upon request. Reprints of certain articles are available as indicated in the issue. Subscriptions, requests for advertising rates and information, and other correspondence should be sent to:
Opt'n Hands
P.a. Box 2:~6:H)
Washinbrton. DC 20026
Phone: 20UH63-1.,)H()
Copyright © 1990 by Affirmation: United Methodists for Lesbian/Gay Concerns, Inc. Open Hands is a registered trademark of Affirmation: United Methodists for Lesbian/Gay Concerns.
Member, The Associated Church Press
ISSN 0888-8833
Spring 1990
Acceptance and
Spirituality in Recovery
by Thom Harshman
o
A s a child, I had a favorite game. I loved placing my hands over my eyes and then creating a small space between my fingers through which I
: could see the world. The world, as seen through this
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tiny crack in my hands, was manageable to me. I made
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the claim of power over it, for it was finally reduced to a
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size that matched my sense of my size. I believed I had
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control; I felt safe. Yet the game would not last forever.
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Sometimes, I would be intrigued by noises from things : outside my field of sight. Other times, someone would
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abruptly end my play or I'd simply become tired with
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my limited vision. However the game concluded, I would
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end up seeing the world more fully. Addictions and recovery are much like my little game.
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Covering our eyes can be a way of describing the addic: tive process. Each of us has a particular way of viewing
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the world. We decide that how we see the world is the
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full way the world is. We learn the belief that, if we gain
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power over the world, we will be safe. This is akin to
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viewing the world through the cracks between our fino
gers. As -we live with our worldview, we resist believing : that anything exists outside of our perception, for then
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things over which we have no control might also exist. As life proceeds, we receive more information about
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the world. Some of this information differs from our
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world view and seems to come from outside the percepo
tual crack between our fingers. As new information
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enters our awareness, we have basic directions in which
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we can move. We can broaden our perception of the world and expand our experience of life. Or we can minimize and ignore that this new information is real, or important, and thereby maintain our illusory sense of power. The degree to which we are locked into our perspective of the world is the degree to which we are addicted.
Addicted to our worldview, we need compulsions to help us ignore noises from outside our limited field of vision. When I was a child and did not want to hear my sister calling me as I played my game, I would put my thumbs in my ears and hum. Sometimes I'd have to hum loudly. But I could always find a way to distract myself from her so I could continue to play the game. I maintained the illusion that my world was all there was. Now as an adult, when I need to ignore new information about the nature of my reality, I can drink, use drugs, eat, focus on others' behaviors, or obsess on sex, weight, exercise, work, or gambling. I can even hum religious tunes loudly. I develop the delusion that my reality is the only reality.
The stronger our addiction to our world view becomes, the stronger the behaviors needed to maintain this delusion become. As these behaviors take over our lives, we begin to sense discord. We experience ourselves increasingly out of step with reality, and at the same time our compulsions distract or numb us from these sensations. This process is terribly discouraging and is usually
Open Hands 4
described as the feeling that we are losing control. We are losing control-control, that is, of our ability to ignore the world that exists outside of our field of vision. Our compulsions are not working as effectively as they had in the past. As we sense our loss of control, we become terrified, and we attempt to control more powerfully. Our compulsions now begin to take on a life of their own beyond their original purpose of distraction. Our delusions grow, along with the numbness to our distorted reality. We begin to feel crazy. We hum louder in a fearful attempt to maintain our limited vision. Our lives are llllmanageable. Our fear heightens. Hopelessness further overwhelms us.
Then comes the miracle-but differently for each one. Some become curious about those "other" noises. Sometimes, others intervene on our illusion or we become exhausted with the price we pay to block out reality. Sometimes the story of another person offers a glimpse of possibilities. However it occurs, the gift comes-a moment in which hope becomes stronger than fear. The unknown "perhaps" becomes preferred over the known "pain." The attraction of control is overcome by the invitation of freedom.
Acceptance is the beginning of freedom. For me, acceptance occurs each time I recognize that my fingers are limiting my experience of the world rather than giving me power over the world. Acceptance is the beginning of freedom from my need for addictions-addictions that distract me from reality. Acceptance becomes freedom from the illusion that my view of creation is complete and therefore safe. It neutralizes the intoxication of control.
At times, ministry, for me, is intoxicating. I become addicted to controlling by serving. This is a pious form of workaholism which follows the same compulsive dynamic. My pattern began with my hope to find ways to serve God. I discovered ministry and "responded to God's call." In my parish, I could serve God through various church activities. I would develop how I thought a particular activity should proceed. I would decide that God's spirit would be most present if this activity were to occur according to my plan. Over time, I became quite adept at figuring out how I might best manipulate people and events so the outcome would fit into my plans. I would spend hours strategizing over whom to call first and what to say when. As the Alcoholics Anonymous "Big Book" says, I began to "arrange" the whole "ballet." I became convinced that it was my activity that was creating healing experiences within the congregation. The more enamored I became with my power, the less I trusted in God's spirit moving within our church commllllity. If events seemed to shift in directions other than toward my vision, I would work harder, strategize more diligently, telephone more emphatically. Instead of looking for the direction God was taking an activity, I became more invested in squeezing God into my plan. The more out of control events seemed, the more I attempted to control. I worked harder and longer. I forgot that I am a conduit for God's power and began to experience myself as power itself. I believed that my actions truly controlled events. Not at all coincidentally, I had less and less energy to look at other issues in my life. I
Spring 1990 would separate these facets of myself into my "personal" as opposed to "professional" life spheres. I did not have the time to hear beckonings from my sexuality. I did not have the energy to develop a more vulnerable intimacy or a more integrated lifestyle. I could not look at these things. After all, I had been called to serve God.
And then came the miracle. Weary with my efforts to control, I was reminded that it is God who is God. I began to believe that there were many ways to follow God's movement within the parish and within my being. I entertained the thought that God may view shifts in direction as opportllllities for new growth. I then began to, as I called it then, "look for God in the midst of the path on which I travel." God reminded me that my viewpoint is transcended by and held within God's viewpoint. Each time I accept that, I am freed.
Acceptance, as the beginning of recovery, is the belief that I need not assert my perception of reality as full and unchanging. With this initial gift of recovery comes freedom from the illusion that controlling my view of the world provides safety. In my life, I began to believe that there are other possibilities-that God offers a variety of ways of being, of serving, and of living. Acceptance is freedom from the arrogant idea that I can control God's spirit, that I have full llllderstanding of God's will. I can believe, with childlike wonder, in discovering. With acceptance, I am freed.
Spiritual recovery is the liberation that occurs each time I move my fingers from my eyes and thereby expand my experience of myself, others, and God. I can now embrace a broader view of reality. In fact, life now embraces me. Spirituality is in that moment when I am active in accepting and passive in receiving God's embrace. The hope offered by acceptance comes to fruition in spirituality. I can actively choose to see the world more and more fully.
Throughout his ministry, Jesus offers attention to this activity. Recently, I was reflecting on the account in the Gospel of John of the healing of the one born blind. I wondered, "How am I blind?" My pondering took me into dusk whereupon I found myself enjoying the setting of the Sllll. As I looked at this sunset, I noticed "flaws." There were asymmetrical clouds, ill-placed holes, and mismatched hues. Yet, as I viewed these "flaws" in the context of the whole sunset, they really were not flaws at all. In the sunset, I experienced richness, beauty, lllliqueness. It struck me-lam blind to how God sees me. God sees me in much the same way that I view a sunset. Where I see shameful qualities about who I am, God sees the wonderful diversity of God's creation in my lllliqueness. Where I harbor guilt for the things I have done, God holds awe at my creative response to situations. Where I play the internal tapes about how I am or how I ought to be, God hears the rich orchestra of possibilities, of discovering the sounds of yet unfinished scores. My blindness can be healed by the limitless sight of God. My guilt can be transformed by the gentle touch of God. I can hear wisdom in the powerful voice of God. With spirituality, every moment becomes an opportllllity to enjoy an expanded vision of life's events.
Spiritual recovery involves continually pushing out the edges of my experience of who or what God is by asking anew, "How does God interact with my life, and how am I to respond?" In a way, the action of moving my
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• fingers from in front of my eyes is as simple as this ask· ing of new questions. By re-creating new questions, I see
• myself, others, and God in ever broader, richer contexts. How am I called to serve others today? Where is God's
· compassionate movement within me, towards me, hap
· pening in this moment? How am I in awe of God to
· day? In what way can I be there for God? Acceptance and spirituality as facets of recovery cannot be separated much the same way as faith and works cannot be separated according to the New Testament. They are interdependent. For recovery to transcend being
simply another addictive way of viewing the world, we need both the passive humility of acceptance and the active creativity of spirituality. At the same time, we need the active choosing of acceptance and the passive waiting of spirituality. The paradox comes alive. The bottom line supporting the connectedness of acceptance and spirituality in recovery is that, like faith and works, both receive their energy for existence from the font of creative energy that is of God and is God.
Countless hours were occupied by my childhood game. Yet it would always end. The world would teach me why I was not born with my hands covering my eyes. Yes, it did offer a measure of power and a sense of safety. I liked that part. But as soon as I would move my hands, I would realize that these didn't hold a candle to the quality of life outside my blinders. You see, fingers that cover eyes can't hold caterpillars or dig in gardens for worms. Hands limiting one's view can't clap with glee. Thumbs in one's ears can't be locked together to make a church. Arms used to block one's sight can't hug. Ah, awe; sweet freedom, sweet liberation.
Thom Harshman is an ordained minister in the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ), serving as hospital chaplain with primary responsibility for a chemical dependency unit in Orange, California, and is personally involved in a 12-Step program.
Some Important Definitions Addiction-Addiction is an experience. It exists when a person's attachment to a sensation, an object, or another person interferes with that individual's life. The addicted person has become increasingly dependent on that experience as his or her only source of gratification. Addiction, like any serious disease, is progressive. It keeps the addict unaware of her or his "internal landscape" of feelings. In turn, this lack of internal awareness deadens internal processes, which in turn keeps the addiction going-a cycle. As addicts lose touch with themselves, they
• II
also lose touch with people in the world around them. Addiction dulls and distorts sensory input.
The addict is aware that something is wrong but feels increasingly powerless and worthless. Regardless of the addiction, it takes more and more to create the desired effect and no amount is enough. If a person cannot cease after being sated, if a person cannot be sated, she or he is addicted. Psychological security is what is wanted above all.
Codependency-An addiction to another person or persons and their problems, or to a relationship and its problems. It involves a habitual system of thinking, feeling, and behaving towards oneself and others that causes one pain. When people refuse to be codependent, addictions do not get the support they need to continue.
Eating Disorders-Addiction to eating, to not eating, or to eating a huge quantity of food then desperately trying to get rid of it .
• Anorexia-Self-starvation
• Bulimia-Bingeing and purging through vomiting and/or use of laxatives or diuretics.
• Compulsive Eating-Eating in response to feelings rather than hunger.
Obsession-Persistent and unescapable preoccupation with an idea or behavior.
Compulsive-A compulsive act or behavior is one that a person feels compelled or driven to do rather than having a choice to do.
Dysfunctional-Not functioning in a healthy, whole manner.
The following terms often have different shades of meaning depending on the person using them. Individuals recovering from addictions use and define terms to have specific meaning to their personal situation.
Abstinence-Refraining from addictive behavior or substances.
Program-A plan of action for recovery from addiction. People in 12-step programs often speak of "working a program" of recovery-that is, using the 12 steps to recover from their addiction.
Recovery-Actively working on personal growth and change towards wholeness. Involves awareness and behavior. Often used as "in recovery" from an addiction.
Sobriety-A state of being where one is abstinent and working a program of recovery.
Open Hands 6
Drug
Dependency Among Lesbians
Alcoholism and
and Gay Men
by Tim Davis and David Hudson
I n many minds, the word alcoholic implies the image
of the skid row bum. Only 3 percent of the
alcoholics in the United States are on skid row. Many of the other 97 percent have homes, families, and
• jobs. About 45 percent are professional or in managerial positions, 25 percent are white-collar workers, and 30 percent are manual laborers. Over half have attended college; only 13 percent have not finished high school. Often people deny that alcohol is a drug, because it can be legally purchased over the counter at almost any store. Alcohol, however, is very much a drug, producing all the classic signs of addictions: As individuals become addicted, they experience changes in tolerance-that is, their brains adapt to the presence of high concentrations of alcohol or other drugs. They also experience withdrawals when the alcohol or other drugs are ceased. They often lose control of how much they consume or for how long.
Alcohol and drug dependency are chronic, progressive, and potentially fatal diseases. As they progress, individ•
uals often experience problems in their relationships,
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families, employment, and sexual functioning. They can also fall into financial, legal, and spiritual bankruptcy. What was once a social glass of wine or a tranquilizer
• or a sleeping pill to relieve stress becomes an obsession
• to obtain the substance and to maintain a euphoric high • or blackout where they do not remember what they said • or did or how they got home the night before.
Dependency on alcohol and other drugs is a particularly serious and tragic problem in the lesbian/gay community. Thirty percent of gay men and lesbians are thought to have very serious problems with alcohol or other drugs, compared with 10 percent of heterosexuals.
A variety of factors probably account for the significant difference between the gay/lesbian and heterosexual populations: 1) For many gay men and lesbians, the gay bar is the focal point of their social lives, partly because of the lack of other places (such as churches or social settings) where they can comfortably be themselves. 2) Abuse and dependency behaviors are frequently used to aid in coping with life in an often hostile and antigay society. 3) Gay men and lesbians commonly lack validation from society, media, and families.
Spring 1990
Probably fewer than 10 percent of all the victims of alcoholism and drug dependency ever receive help, and this percentage is almost surely even lower for gay men and lesbians. Gay and lesbian alcoholics and addicts can face a double stigma that often compounds their denial of dependency. Not only do they face the difficulty of acknowledging their drug dependency or the extent of their usage; they can also be afraid to acknowledge their sexual orientation due to prejudices (or fear of prejudices). As a result, lesbian/gay addicts far too frequently never get to treatment.
It is easy to see why many gay men and lesbians with drug-dependency problems question whether treatment will help. Not only the lesbian/gay community, but also the rest of society, including churches, must acknowledge a few basic facts:
1.
Lesbian and gay alcoholics and addicts are less likely to have supportive family structures to help their efforts to not drink or use drugs. The need for family participation is critical in recovery, and efforts should be made to help develop surrogate families for support after lesbians and gay men are discharged from treatment.
2.
The need for interventions to halt the active drinking/using stage must be more widely recognized. This could be achieved by reaching socially isolated gay men and lesbians and by removing the threat of exposing one's orientation, while educating everyone that drug dependency, including alcoholism, is a disease and not a moral issue.
3.
Effective treatment for gay men and lesbians requires a setting that offers drug-free re-entry into the lesbian/gay community as well as society-at-large. Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Narcotics Anonymous (NA) groups that specifically serve lesbians and gay men often can fill this need and function as a social activity too. Many gay/lesbian alcoholics and addicts are comfortable in primarily nongay AA and N A groups, but others feel a need for meetings where they can more comfortably be open and honest about their sexual orientation.
4.
Heterosexual therapists working predominately with heterosexuals often strongly discourage gay/lesbian alcoholics and addicts from going to gay bars. It is not uncommon, however, for several members of a gay/lesbian AA or N A meeting to go as a small group to such a bar to socialize. Therapists need to recognize that bars
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serve a different, primarily social function for gay men
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and lesbians than for heterosexuals, who generally go to : a bar specifically to drink.
S. Gay men -and lesbians often need on-going therapy
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after treatment to deal with issues about shame, guilt,
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and rejection by family, employers, and friends. On•
going individual therapy allows them time to understand
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and accept their sexuality.
· My Story:
· From Pain Relief to Addiction
I grew up as an only child with both my parents be•
ing alcohol and drug dependent. I decided by age 8 that
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I would never be like them. Many nights I would lay
awake and listen to their irrational arguments, which ap: peared to be induced by alcohol and prescription drugs.
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By age 10, I identified my maternal grandmother as the • only significant person in my life. An active member in
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the Methodist Church, she was very consoling of much
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abuse I received from my father. Nevertheless, she ac•
tively enabled my parents' abuse by making excuses for : their behaviors and rescuing my mother's financial prob•
lems. As I got older, I realized that my maternal uncle
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and grandfather were also addicted and that my only
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thread to sanity was my interaction with my grand•
mother. I always felt shame and embarrassment about
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my family's behavior. With my grandmother's insistence, my grandfather
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went to church with a hangover. Once during the ser•
vice, my grandfather was snoring, and the minister said,
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"Marley, wake up; you must have had a good time last
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night." My grandmother felt undue shame, and my
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grandfather never returned to church for 20 years. At age 13, I was injured in a speedboat accident that
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was a result of my father's intoxication. I still recall the
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embarrassment of wearing a body cast and trying to ex•
plain how the accident occurred without implicating my
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father and his alcoholism. Our hometown doctor was
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very understanding and prescribed mood-altering drugs
: to relieve the pain. As I became more aware that I was gay, I believed
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that no one in my family or in the church would accept
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me. To eliminate the emotional pain of being gay, at age
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20 I used more drugs and abused alcohol. Quickly I
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learned that I could acquire more drugs by seeing : several doctors for the pain caused years before in the
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boating accident. While in college, I was active in · various organizations but lived a double life because no • one really knew the other side of me. I was gay and
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coped with the isolation and shame by using alcohol and
• other drugs. During my late teens and early twenties, I became
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angry at my family and church because I knew they
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would never accept me for being gay. After graduation · from college, I became a teacher in special education,
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and the following year I was promoted to an admin•
istrative position in which I supervised six school
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cooperatives. For the next eight years, I was able to sup•
press my feelings regarding my sexuality and was never
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confronted about my alcohol and drug addiction. Finally
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I decided I could not live like that any more, and I quit
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my job. By then, my grandfather was active in AA, and
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my uncle had about 10 years sobriety. I tried to quit : drinking and drugging on my own with no success. I
· 8
had lost the suppon of my family and was unemployed. I finally decided to go into treatment but feared they would find out I was gay.
In fact, no one in treatment ever asked me if I was gay, straight, or bisexual. Nevertheless, I feared that, if they knew I was gay, they would ask me to leave treatment. After treatment, I did not deal with my sexuality for another year for fear of being rejected by my therapist and my friends in AA.
I have now been sober for nine years, but working a program of recovery has not been easy. For several years, I found myself fighting to maintain another day of sobriety. One of the most difficult issues earlier in my recovery was developing a concept of a higher power (one of the 12 steps) because I blamed all my problems on God. Today, however, I feel an inner peace that has given me an inner serenity-and that I would never trade.
Earlier I mentioned that my parents, grandfather, and uncle were all alcoholics or addicts: My mom now has S years of sobriety; my father is still in denial of his
Open Hands
alcoholism; my grandfather died last year with 22 years of sobriety in AA; my uncle remained sober for 15 years
•but went back to drinking and was dead within 3 weeks.
Alcoholism and dependency on other drugs are diseases of denial. As it says in AA, "There by the grace of God go I."
-Tim Davis
Rick's Story:
Chemical Dependency and AIDS
Rick is a 27-year-old bisexual male who lives with his
mother and stepfather in Indianapolis. According to
Rick's mom, he was a typical child with no unusual
problems in school. He was liked by all his teachers and
peers in school.
At age 17, however, Rick started using marijuana on a
daily basis and also started skipping classes. When his
mother confronted him about this behavior, he became
belligerent and left home, eventually moving to Florida.
He began acting out sexually with older women and
with males his own age. When he was 20, his natural
father died. By then, he had begun using cocaine intravenously,
knowing that if he smoked it he would not
stop until the supply ran out. Soon thereafter, Rick was
arrested and convicted of theft and dealing cocaine and
was sentenced to 10 years in a Florida prison. Then,
after two years, he was diagnosed with AIDS and was
granted clemency to return home to Indianapolis to die.
Since his return, Rick and his mother have redeveloped
a close relationship. They have each been able
to verbalize their unresolved anger towards the other and
their grief over Rick's father's and sister's deaths.
Rick now works as a volunteer at Indianapolis's Damien
Center, a support facility for persons with AIDS,
persons infected with the AIDS-causing human immunodeficiency
virus (HIV), and their family members. He
has given numerous talks to doctors, nurses, and other
health professionals.
Rick still looks healthy and has a lot of energy. Until
recently, he could water ski nonstop all day. In the past
month, however, he has developed pneumocystis pneumonia,
lost 20 pounds due to diarrhea, and contracted
hystoplasmosis, a lung infection that healthy immune
systems can generally fight off but that persons with
AIDS often cannot.
About eight months ago, Rick entered a treatment
center for his cocaine, marijuana, and alcohol dependence.
The evening nurse there would not allow other
patients to eat out of the same popcorn bowl that he
was using. The following morning the staff was in conflict
whether other patients could get AIDS by eating
after him. This conflict was two weeks after an in service
training on AIDS for the center's staff, so they should
have known better.
Rick was extremely agitated while in treatment because
he was afraid his peers would discover he had
AIDS. He decided to tell his therapy group that he had
AIDS, but that he got it by shooting up cocaine intravenously.
The group was extremely divided in its reaction,
and several decided to avoid him.
In the last three months, Rick has become more open
about his bisexuality. On a local TV interview, he was
asked how he contracted the virus, and his response was
"by a dirty needle, or sex with a man or woman. It really doesn't matter how I got it. What really matters is that J did get it, and I am learning to live with it."
I t is becoming increasingly apparent that approximately
two-thirds of the men and women at the
Damien Center in Indianapolis are not only HIV+ but exhibit either alcohol or drug abuse/dependency as well. Perhaps this should not be surprising, considering both the disproportionate incidence of alcohol and drug dependence in the lesbian/gay commun!ty a~d the fa~t that intravenous drug use is a proven hIgh-rIsk behaVIOr for HIV infection. But there is more to the linkage.
Alcohol and other drugs function by themselves to weaken the immune system. According to some studies, just a few beers can render the T-4 cells in a person's blood 25 to 250 times more susceptible to HIV infection. Opiates such as heroin are known to suppress the function of T-4 cells, and, although marijuana has not been well studied in humans, it has directly affected the ability of N -K cells to function in animals. Animal studies also indicate that cocaine may be able to speed up the replication of HIV in already infected cells by up to 1,100 times.l In addition, a person who is intoxicated or under the influence of mood-altering chemicals is far more likely to engage in unsafe sex or share needles for drugs because his or her inhibitions are reduced.
I t is hard enough for lesbians and gay men in many
places to find alcohol and drug treatment centers
that specialize in gay/lesbian issues. Being HIV+ or having AIDS complicates treatment even more. In working with alcoholics or other addicts, there often is an underlying issue of shame and guilt over one's past. This shame can be even more complicated if a person has AIDS. In addition, homophobia among nongay therapists and other patients can be a major roadblock to recovery for persons who have AIDS or who have tested HIV+.
The challenge to service-providing centers such as Damien
Centers and alcohol-and drug-dependency clinics
is to develop programs and treatment for gay/lesbian addicted
individuals who have AIDS or are HIV+.
Meeting the challenges posed by these multiple problems
will not be easy for treatment centers. Not only are the
affected individuals dealing with their various dependencies,
they are also dealing with their own immortality on
a moment-by-moment basis. :
-David Hudson and Tim Davis
1. Larry Siegel and Milan Korcok, AIDS: The Drug and Alcohol Connection (Center City, Minn.: Hazelden Foundation, 1989), p. 26.
Tim Davis has a master's degree in addictionology and family therapy. He worked in the area of chemical dependency for eight years and is presently in private practice working in chemical dependency, codependency, and AIDS.
David Hudson, ACSW, is a case worker at the Damien Center in Indianapolis. He has made numerous speaking engagements on AIDS and was honored as 1990 Social Worker of the Year for the state of Indiana.
Spring 1990
9
o Begin any inquiry into the nature and treatment of addictions and one quickly discovers the "12-step" approach. The original 12-step recovery
o
program was Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). Its success
o
has spawned a wide variety of recovery programs pat-
o
terned after the 12-steps of AA. Twelve-step programs
o
are available for alcoholics, drug addicts, gamblers, como
pulsive overeaters, sex addicts, adult children of al-
o
coholics, family members of alcoholics, and survivors of : incest, to name a few. Many therapists and people in recovery agree-12-step
o
programs work. Many people, having tried many other
o
alternatives, have had their lives saved and are recovering
o
from their addictions because of 12-step programs. What
o is so appealing about them? What is it that works?
o • Twelve-step programs are programs for the total person. They address not only the physical addiction but mental and spiritual aspects of life as well.
o • Twelve-step programs have been instrumental in taking addictions out of the realm of morality and into the realm of disease. The program helps participants realize that it is not a person's moral weakness that causes the addiction. This effectively unloads the weapon of blame that addictive persons so swiftly and devastatingly aim at themselves.
o •
Twelve-step programs provide an accessible, working system, a plan for a person's recovery: follow the 12-steps, attend meetings, work with a sponsor, and you're on your way to recovery. Support for recovery is even available when traveling. Any major city, most medium-sized towns and some small towns offer 12-step meetings that will often feel familiar to visitors.
• Twelve-step programs are self-help groups-people in recovery helping people in recovery. No trained experts lead the process. The lack of hierarchy is stressed. Guidance through sponsorship is provided by those who have been longer in the program and can share their experience, strength, and hope.
12..Steps Examined
by M. Burrill
• Twelve-step programs provide community. Their success is enhanced by connecting people to one another. Discovering that you are not alone, there are others with similar thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, helps to end the isolation that is characteristic of addictions. Through phone lists, sponsors, sharing at meetings, people are encouraged to support, seek support, and maintain contact with one another. This is a key aspect to many people's recovery.
My mother always used to say, "If it sounds too
good to be true, it probably is." So where's
the catch? If 12-step programs are so wonderful, why isn't every addicted person in recovery?
Denial keeps people from recovery. Many people deny that an addiction exists, so why be in recovery? But others not in denial have tried the 12-step approach and found it not for them. Upon closer examination, several difficulties appear.
•
The 12-steps originated to address alcoholism. Those same steps have been applied to many other situations. Are all addictions the same? You can live without alcohol and drugs, but not food. Addictions to gambling, sex, and love do not involve substances at all. Can the same 12 steps really adequately address such different scenarios? Some say, "No, the differences are too great."
•
To those with a feminist awareness, the sexist nature of the 12-step approach, both in language (referring to a patriarchal God as He) and in theory (stressing powerlessness when women are already in powerless positions relative to men's positions in society) often becomes untenable. Several women have tried to address these issues by rewriting the stepS.l These concerns are rarely mentioned ,in mainstream 12-step groups.
•
The God-centered nature of the 12-step approach keeps away some, especiallY lesbians and gay men,2
Open Hands 10
who have been rejected or judged by religious people and institutions and, as a result, want nothing to do with God or anything "religious."
T welve-step programs are the road to life for many recovering addicts. Their effectiveness and strengths are immediately evident. Significant criticisms also exist. The dialogue continues to the end that help in recovery from addictions might be available and effective to all who are in need.
: Notes
1. Gail U nterberger, "Twelve Steps for Women Alcoholics," The Christian Century, December 1989, and Jean Kilpatrick's 13 steps of "Women for Sobriety."
• 2. For discussion of political issues of lesbians and gay men in 12-step recovery programs, see "Getting to Serenity: Do Addiction Programs Sap Our Political Vitality?" Out/Look, Summer 1988, p. 10.
M. Burrill is coeditor of Open Hands.
The 12 Steps
1.
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol*-that our lives had become unmanageable.
2.
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3.
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4.
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5.
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6.
Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7.
Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8.
Made a list of all persons we had hanned, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9.
Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10.
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11.
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12.
Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, * and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
*This is adapted to the addiction relevant to each
12-step program.
Spring 1990
Sexu
al' Addiction: An Inside View
I don't remember the first time I masturbated. I do remember the loneliness and depression that masturbation kept me in for 12 years of my life. I remember using people for sex-if I was sexual with someone, we could be friends; if not, I had little interest in that person.
At the age of 15, I was raped by a man I babysat for. It wasn't a violent rape, but he was twice my age and I didn't know how to say "no." I never had an orgasm with him, but we were sexual many times over the next 6 years. I used masturbation to deal with the pain of having been raped and became addicted to it. It was the fastest way I knew to have a few moments of feeling good when inside I felt so bad. .
Through prior abuse and neglect from my own famIly, I became codependent. I didn't know what I needed, what I felt, or what I wanted. The emptiness from not knowing myself was filled by using sex, but eventually that became too painful also.
When I was 19, I began drinking. I used alcohol for eight years to numb the pain of my codependency and sexual addiction. At one point, I became very " religious," but I had no spirituality. I would go to church every time the doors were opened. Once again I was seeking something on the outside to make me feel good because on the inside I was dying emotionally, spiritually, and sexually.
I decided that I would be OK if I could just get a college degree, so I joined the Army to get money for school. Once I enlisted, I was put into an environment that was perfect for a codependent and an addict. I was told what to do, when to do it, and where; I didn't have to think. I found other codependents and addicts. If I needed a fix with alcohol or sex, it was readily available. In three years, I went through 25 relationships. I used my many sexual partners and drinking buddies to help fill my emptiness inside.
r had no purpose in life; it was only a day to day struggle. Since I was disconnected with my own feelingsphysically, intellectually, sexually, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally-I couldn't get close to anyone else
11
Today In recovery I have more friends, love, and peace in my life than
I've ever known.
either. I only knew how to connect through sex or alcohol. When I was alone, I would cry and not know what I was crying about. I hated the thought of working and had no interest in anything outside sex or alcohol. When I look back on pictures of myself, I can see the depression on my face. Yet I had no one to talk to; I felt no one would understand what I was going through.
I was stationed in Germany, and on Saturday morn: ings I would always get up and start the day with a
•
beer. One Saturday morning the beer didn't make me
•
feel better; in fact, I started crying and couldn't stop. I
•
looked at the beer and told myself that when I got back to the United States I would quit drinking. When I did get back to America, I lasted six days without a drink. I went and got one beer, came home, and called Alcoholics Anonymous. I went to my first meeting, and my life has never been the same. I went from a living hell to actually being glad I was alive.
After eight months of sobriety in AA, something was wrong, and I knew I was going to drink. I called my sponsor, and she had me go through the 12 steps to examine my relationships. When I did my 5th step with her, she discovered that I was using sex just as I had used alcohol in my life. She sent me to Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), and once again my life has never been the same. After working that program for a year, I still couldn't stay sober from sex for over a month. I kept getting sick physically, and I was always going to my doctor for something.
One day it was suggested to me that maybe my physical problems were coming from something that was going on with me mentally. I'd been keeping a journal so I started going back to find what it might be. The word
codependent kept popping up. I joined a 12-step program that dealt specifically with codependency, and I was able to start getting longer periods of sobriety within my SAA program.
Today I know my sexual addiction and alcoholism were just symptoms of my codependency. Helen Keller once said that, before her teacher came along, she was a nobody in a no man's land and did not know that she was. For me it was codependency, sex, and alcohol that kept me from knowing who I was; for others it's cocaine, working, gambling, or buying-the list goes on and on. We addicts lose ourselves through our addictions, but most of us were lost before we started using our addictions.
Today in recovery I have more friends, love, and peace in my life than I've ever known. When I'm alone, I don't need a chemical or sex to make me feel. I know how to go within and feel love and peace without needing something outside myself. Today I'm connected with myself physically, intellectually, spiritually, sexually, mentally, and emotionally. Today I'm living life, not just surviving!
The author is a woman who lives in Indianapolis.
Some Basic Statistics about Sexual Addicts
•
81 % were sexually abused at some time in their life.
•
52% were clinically depressed at some time.
•
72% were physically abused at some time.
•
97% were emotionally abused at some time.
•
40% of all fathers and 18% of all mothers of sex addicts were also sex addicts.
•
38% of all fathers and 26% of all mothers of sex addicts were alcoholic.
•
43% of all mothers of sex addicts had eating disorders.
Open Hands • 12
Hooked
on Food:
~I
Sustenance or Suicide
1
by Ruth Lipschutz
Cocaine, heroin, marijuana, alcohol-most people would readily admit that these are all potentially lethal drugs. Many of these same people, however, would laugh if they were told that a doughnut could be fatal or a package of cookies could result in suicide. Our society portrays food as a harmless and acceptable medium for showing love or giving a reward. But food is no harmless substance for people suffering from an eating disorder. To them it is an addictive and potentially lethal drug.
Eating disorders are progressive and life-threatening addictions.] Anorexia nervosa and bulimia are the most publicized eating disorders. However, the most common form of eating disorder, compulsive eating, is also the least known. They are not separate addictions, only facets of the same disease. The word disease is used because many believe there is a physical basis to eating disorders, as well as other addictions, though the research in this area is still in its infancy.
Eating disorders affect every area of a person's life. They interfere with normal development physically, emotionally, and spiritually. As in other addictions, eating disorders are fueled by and in turn exacerbate a sense of shame in which persons feel not that they are doing something bad, but that they are "bad," "worthless," or "flawed." Self-hate grows in direct proportion to the time one carries the horrible secret.
I have lived my whole life with an eating disorder. Before beginning my recovery nearly nine years ago, I experienced every aspect of the disease-anorexia, bulimia, and compulsive eating. As far back as I can remember, food was my best friend. It was my comfort when nothing or no one else was available.
I was a chubby kid and was teased for this. I was aware my mother felt I was "too fat," but she never dealt with me directly on this topic. She used food with me as a reward or as a substitute for time together. She especially used sugar, which is a highly addictive and mood-altering substance for many people with eating disorders.
The occasions I looked forward to were all around
food. I would even steal money to buy candy or sneak
cookies and candy off store shelves. In retrospect, I see
that food kept me numb during many painful periods of
Spring 1990 my life. I cannot remember a time I would eat only one of most foods. I always wanted more.
My self-image as I became a teenager was fairly poor. Around age 15 everyone in my family went on a diet. Theirs lasted a few days. Mine lasted 12 years. Through periods of dieting, starving, bingeing, and purging, my weight went up and down like a yo-yo.
First came a period of anorexia. In anorexia, persons starve themselves for an extended period of time. I would only eat tiny bits of food. Many days I fasted. I knew how many calories were in every consumable substance. I was obsessed with my body and with being thin. No matter how much weight I lost, it was never enough-even when I reached 70 pounds. Exercise became another obsession, and I would feel fat if I did not do my regular daily routine. My behavior became very rigid and ritualistic, especially around food. Things had to be prepared, cut, and eaten in a certain way, or I felt panicked and furious. My menstruation stopped, and I became tired easily.
The more I tried to control my eating, the more out of control I felt. Despite my refusal to eat, I was obsessed with food. I would even take cooking classes and offer to cook for others.
Starving is one side of the binge-purge cycle. When I would start eating after a fast or starving on small amounts of food for days, my body needed and craved sustenance. I was malnourished, and my body was trying to tell me it needed more. Frequently, I would binge when I started eating. A binge could be anything from eating the equivalent of a couple of meals at one time to consuming boxes of cookies, whole cakes, or other foods.
At age 17 I ended up in a psychiatric hospital due to my depression. The staff there addressed some family issues, but at that time eating disorders were not well known. The most crucial and fundamental issue of my addiction was never dealt with at all.
I stopped starving myself soon after discharge. Very quickly I gained a tremendous amount of weight, more than doubling it in a short amount of time. I was eating everything in sight. Many days I would not eat a regular meal but would "graze," eating little bits (which quickly become bigger bits) of food all day long.
13
At 18 I discovered I could make myself vomit. For the
o
next nine years, I binged and purged through vomiting or starving. I tried every diet that came out but would always gain back the weight or give it up quickly. My menstruation stopped again. What self-esteem I had was
o
slipping away. Even vomiting blood did not stop the
o
vicious cycle I was on.
I knew something was wrong with my relationship with food as early as age 15, but my pride and denial refused to allow me to accept the truth. Most of all, I
o
felt ashamed. I had no idea anyone else behaved as I
o
did. There was no doubt in my mind that they would be
o
disgusted if they knew, as I was with myself. The worst part of the disease, for me, was carrying around this awful secret. It exacerbated the feelings of shame-that something was fundamentally wrong with me-that I still carried from childhood.
Food became more and more important in my life. I
o
used it to numb myself as any other addicts use their
o
drugs. My thinking was affected. At times I felt
paranoid, as if everyone somehow knew what I was do-
o
ing. My concentration was poor. I became more and : more isolated with my best friend, food. Repeatedly, I
o
made myself promise to stop, only to break my promise.
o
The desire to eat was overwhelming. I felt like an animal in a cage. My binges became worse. I would consume larger and larger quantities of food. Binges were often planned, and I would spend exorbitant amounts of money on my food. The quality of my life
: became worse and worse. Therapy had always been my answer when I felt unable to resolve issues in my life. At age 27, I went for an evaluation with someone who specialized in eating disorders. For the first time, a name was given to my problem, and I had the first real awareness that I was not alone. Eating disorders have several characteristics in common. These include an obsession with food and weight, a distorted body image, feelings of shame and self-hate, a belief one can "control" the eating, an inability to remember the feelings attached to the last binge or purge episode, a feeling of being "different," as well as serious physical complications. A common factor in all addictions is a strong presence
o
of denial. Addicts may be truly convinced they do not
o
have a problem. Not that persons with eating disorders
o
lie to others, but denial is so strong they believe the lies
o
they tell themselves. Many experience a great deal of : pain before realizing the old ways of coping are not
o
working and need to be changed. One of the most devastating beliefs of people with
o
eating disorders is that they could stop the destructive
o
behavior themselves if they really wanted to, if they just
o
had enough willpower. The sufferers themselves believe : this myth and berate themselves for being weak, lazy, or
o
undisciplined. None of these are true. Persons with eat-
o
ing disorders could no sooner stop using food on their
o
own than alcoholics or drug addicts could stop abusing
o
those substances on their own. Only with help in re-
o
covery is it possible to develop a healthy relationship : with food and let go of self-blame. Recovery is a lifelong process to be taken one day at a
o
time. No one way is the "correct" way for everyone to
o
recover from an eating disorder. What is important is
o
the realization that as powerful and devastating as the
: 14 disease is, recovery is possible. The first steps are accepting that something is wrong and the problem cannot be handled alone.
Addictions are spiritual disorders as well as emotional and physical. They destroy our connection with ourselves and others, and to God or a Higher Power. Recovery primarily addresses the spiritual level, reconnecting or healing our separation from self, others, and God. Without proper attention to this crucial aspect of recovery, relapse is inevitable. Healing on the spiritual level, as well as emotional and physical levels, gives us back the power to define ourselves and be who we want to be.
Recovery can be found in many places. Groups such as Overeaters Anonymous, based on the 12 steps of recovery of Alcoholics Anonymous, provide simple and effective programs for physical, emotional, and spiritual recovery. Inpatient and intensive outpatient programs offered through facilities and hospitals have worked for some. Individual therapists who specialize in dealing with eating disorders and understand the addiction process can also be helpful. A combination of these has proven successful for many people.
Eating disorders, as other addictions, affect the entire family. Denial can be just as strong among family members as in the addicted person. Families can help by recognizing and expressing feelings, acknowledging that something is wrong, and seeking education and support for themselves. Without this, family members can become focused on "controlling," "fixing," or "blaming" the addict or themselves. O-Anon groups, 12-step support groups for families and friends of food addicts, are available in some areas through Overeaters Anonymous. Some clinics, hospitals, and private therapists also offer family support groups.
Recovery is not easy, but I would not trade my worst day now for my best day before. I have learned how to go through the pain and feel the relief at the other end. When I abstain from the behaviors my disease triggers, I go through those feelings once. When I eat (drink, do drugs, etc.) to avoid the pain, I go through it a million times.
Today, with help from my support system and my Higher Power, food does not control my life. My selfesteem is not determined by the bathroom scales or other external sources. I have my life back. The connection to myself, my friends, and my Higher Power is a gift no money could buy. No food or drug could bring me the sense of love, acceptance, and serenity I have experienced these last nine years. I have found that life can be more than mere painful survival. It is possible to walk out of the darkness of shame and self-hate and into the light of recovery.
Note
1. For further information regarding eating disorders, including symptoms and medical and nutritional complications, contact the author Ruth Lipschutz at 6031
N. Rockwell St., Chicago, IL 60659.
Ruth Lipschutz is a bilingual (Spanish/English) psychotherapist in the Chicago area. She specializes in substance abuse, eating disorders, adult children of alcoholics/ dysfunctional families, and sexual abuse.
Open Hands
Sustaining The Spirit
4.
SERVICE OF HEALING
· Call to Worship
•
L: We gather as a people When we are guilty with a guilt that will not
•
P: Who would learn to be faithful; leave us in peace;
•
L: Who yearn to find ourselves acceptable; Then, 0 God-heal us ...strengthen us ... feed
•
P: Who seek to accept one another; us ...forgive us.
: L: Who seek the healing and wholeness of God. L: And bring us through birth and rebirth.
•
P: Who are we? ALL: Through giving and forgiving
•
L: We are the song, the singer, and we listen for the Through loving and loving kindness
song. Through using us and preparing us for use We are the love, the lover, and we are beloved. Through judgment and grace We are the bread, the breadmaker, and those Into citizenship in the community
filled ...those hungry. Where all are sinners, yet all are accepted We are the gift, the giver, and we receive. All are judged, yet all find mercy We are the wound, the healing, and the healers. All are limited, yet all are ministers, grateful
citizens,· Hymn of Praise Loving children of the community of
•
"God, You Spin the Whirling Planets" God. Amen. Words by Jane Parker Huber Tune: Austria
Hearing the Word II Kings 5:1-14 · Naming our Brokenness Mark 5:25-35
•
L: What are those things, personal and corporate,
Prayers of Response
which stand in the way of our transformation?
L: Let us offer our prayers for ourselves, others, and · Prayer of Confession and Hope the world.
• ALL: Eternal God,
Litany of Anointing
When our eyes are too full of our own visions; L: We live in this world that God has made.
When our ears are too full of our own P: There is no one in this world that God did not
sounds;
make.
When our mouths are too full of our wisdoms; L: No one is hurt without hurting all.
When our hearts are too full of our own P: Until all are healed, all are wounded.
concerns;
L: All are invited to heal and be healed. Receive the
Break through-oil on your forehead, then anoint the person next to
Liberate us from the narrow worlds which
you, saying, "(name), you are healed."
constrict our souls;
Liberate us from the fear which blinds us to
Song of Healing
the newness of your work on the horizons; Liberate us from the preoccupation with the "Song of the Soul" trivial and uneasiness with what is great; Words & music by Cris Williamson Liberate us into the community of God.
• L: And when the hurt in our souls is deep: This service of worship was developed by Betty Jo
· ALL: When we feel weak at the beginning of a Birkahn-Rommelfanger and Carol Larson and mighty task; members of the Northern Illinois Conference for the When we are parched for the water of life and convocation of Reconciling Congregations, February
hungry for the bread of heaven; 16-18, 1990.
15 •
• Spring 1990
Codependence and Abuse in Lesbian/Gay Relationships
C odependence is a name that describes behaviors resulting from internalized oppression, low selfesteem, emotional repression, loss of internal boundaries that protect an individual's sense of selfintegrity, and a sense of hypervigilance to the judgments, needs, wants, and feelings of others. For codependents, it is as if other people and situations have control of their individual sense of themselves. The ability to experience their own feelings and thoughts as their own may be impaired by being totally focused outside of themselves.
In other words, codependents view their world from the outside in rather than from the inside out. Allowing others to define their own experience of self, they are unable to honor their own integrity while at the same time respecting the integrity of others as separate from their own.
Particularly extreme forms of codependence are emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. Such abuse can occur in any dysfunctional relationship, whether heterosexual or lesbian/gay. It is hard enough for heterosexual persons to acknowledge the abusive relationships within their ranks. For lesbians and gay men, making this acknowledgment can be even tougher, due to fear of supporting the stereotypical perception that we are sick, depraved, and unable to love in a healthy manner. Nevertheless, when lesbian/gay abuse is kept "in the closet," the result can be even greater dysfunction.
Codependence, Dysfunctional Families, and Children When a person grows up in a dysfunctional family, she or he will almost certainly become codependent to a greater or lesser degree. No one knows exactly what proportion of families in the United States is dysfunctional, but many authors feel that 90 to 95 percent of American families have some sort of serious dysfunction. This may reflect the stress placed on nuclear families as opposed to extended families, which had been the norm until 60 to 75 years ago.
• 16
by Mary Gaul and Nancy VanArsdall Jones
Dysfunctional families commonly share a variety of
characteristics: a primary person causing stress (a
"stressor") such as a workaholic, alcoholic, and/or emotionally
absent parent; denial and delusion; absence of
intimacy; shame-based, rigid roles. Individual needs are
sacrificed to the family's system, and especially to reacting
to or controlling the stressor. Emotional repression,
combined with low-grade anger or depression, is the
norm. Either open conflict or an unspoken agreement to
never disagree exists, as do irrevocable rules manifested
in perfectionism, control, and blame. The more each
person in the family plays his or her role, the more the
system stays the same. This unchanging, closed nature
of the dysfunctional family makes it almost impossible
to leave in a healthy manner.
In other words, an individual in a dysfunctional family
feels negated and violated. Children in such families
are treated as objects to be controlled, as reflections or
extensions of a parent or parents who need the children
in order to feel complete. The result, of course, is the
breeding of emotional hostages. They commonly exhibit
such negative behavior as fits of rage, symptoms of emotional
neglect and abandonment, and drunkenness, and
eventually lose their own identity, their own connection
with self.
These children learn some basic core beliefs: Don't
talk about feelings; It's best to deny wants and needs;
You can't trust anyone to consider your wants or needs;
Communication is best if it is indirect; Be strong, be
right, be good, be perfect (unrealistic expectations);
Don't be selfish; Don't rock the boat; Don't get caught;
Do as I say, not as I do. And, unfortunately, these
beliefs may lead the children, in turn, to become abusive
once they reach adulthood.
Codependence, Homophobia, and Lesbian/Gay Relationships As adults, feelings of love, caring, and needing are very threatening for the person who has experienced (or continues to experience) personal abuse and/or societal
Open Hands
oppression. These feelings not only can trigger a sense of shame, of inadequacy, of deprivation, of wanting the basic human need for love to be met; they can also lead to the terrifying fear that this need won't be met, sometimes evoking a sense of shame for even having such a need.
American culture, like many cultures of the world, is one in which being a heterosexual, white male is the norm and people who don't fit into that norm find themselves without power. Codependence is the societal standard for relationships between men and womenthat is, men are dominant over women via power, money, career, and status. One result is the tragedy of battered women. Fifty percent of all battered women in heterosexual relationships stay in their relationships for economic reasons. As long as their children aren't battered, the battered women tolerate the abuse and try to work things out, due to their lack of personal financial resources.
Similarly, lesbians and gay men generally carry the heterosexual model of dominance/submissiveness as the only model available in this culture for our intimate relationships. This situation is made still more complicated for us because we can internalize homophobia, carrying the same negative messages about homosexuality that society, church, family, and others have taught us.
Most often, abuse in lesbian/gay relationships is not recognized. Instead, it is minimized and tolerated due to internalized homophobia, self-hatred, and adherence to the heterosexual patriarchal norm of codependence. Thus, gay or lesbian abusers victimize their partners verbally, emotionally, and/or physically as manifestations of their extreme need to control and dominate. Abusive episodes may be followed by expressed remorse, desperate pleas, promises of never "losing control" again, and/or efforts at convincing the abused that they brought the violence on themselves by their own behavior and therefore it is up to them to do something to prevent future abuse.
In our opinion, gay/lesbian individuals generally remain in abusive relationships due to extreme codependence. Both the abuser and the abused suffer from internalized oppression, believing the previously mentioned stereotype that they are sick, depraved, and unable to experience healthy love. Gay/ lesbian couples maintain abusive relationships as long as they (like much of society) perceive themselves as less than human, unworthy of loving or being loved. Neither the abuser nor the abused is able to experience self-respect with the other.
Talking openly about abuse in such relationships with therapists, social workers, legal officials, or other outsiders is very difficult. Reports of abuse are not taken seriously, are viewed as "normal" for "abnormal" homosexuals, and/or are considered "just dues" for sick perverts. Thus, gay/ lesbian people have greater difficulty than heterosexuals in seeking help if they desire it.
Healing from Abusive Relationships Healing from abusive lesbian/gay relationship must include confronting the homophobia that is inherent in them, as well as nurturing a sense of self that can function without the need to control/dominate others or the need to be submissive to attain a feeling of being cared for. According to the German philosopher Johann Wolf-
Spring 1990
gang von Goethe, partners in healthy, adult, loving relationships become the caretakers of each other's solitude. Life-affirming loving relationships have no dichotomy of dominance/submission. Each person sincerely desires and is committed to working within a context of mutuality and reciprocity. Being human means we all struggle with feelings of shame and fear of rejection and abandonment. Being healthy means we learn to tolerate these feelings, knowing that they are fears and feelings, that they will give way to other perceptions, and that numerous options for responding to such feelings are available.
Being healthy as gay men and lesbians in an often hostile, sick culture means that we do not oppress ourselves; our sense of self, our integrity, is not defined by the culture anymore.
The best hope for all people-heterosexual, lesbian/gay, and any other category-is to work at letting go of violence/dominance/submissive dynamics so that we can create a truly more gentle, reverent environment within the spirit, where the individual can embrace himor herself as a whole person and no longer be dominated by the feelings of fear and shame that dictate behavior in the chronic codependent model we have all been trained to accept as the norm.
Mary GauL, Ed.D, and Nancy VanArsdall Jones,
M.A., have a private practice in psychotherapy in
IndianapoLis. They also pubLish Lavender Visions, a Lesbian
feminist pubLication addressing spirituaLity, poLitics,
culture, and other varied issues and topics. They may
be contacted through Lavender Visions, P.O. Box 321,
ZionsviLLe, IN 46077.
17
Resources
LJ
Addiction and Recovery-General
Black, Claudia. Repeat after Me. Denver: MAC Publishing, 1985.
Bradshaw, John. Bradshaw on: Healing the Shame that Binds You. Deerfield Beach, Fla.: Health Communications, 1988.
Klaas, Joe. The 12 Steps to Happiness. Rev. ed. New York: Ballantine, 1990.
Rosellin i, Gayle, and Worden, Mark. Barriers to Intimacy: For People Torn by Addiction and Compulsive Behavior. New York: Ballantine, 1990.
Schaef, Anne Wilson. When Society Becomes an Addict. San Francisco: Harper and Row, 1987.
Sunshine, Linda, and Wright, John
W. The 100 Best Treatment Centers for Alcoholism and Drug Abuse. New York: Avon, 1988.
Bradshaw explores how shame can drive and reinforce compulsions, codependencies, and addictions, while Rosellini and Worden discuss the destructive effects that addictions and compulsive behaviors can have on developing and maintaining intimate relationships. Schaef looks at addictions as part of an all-encompassing societal matrix and shows us how to think and act more freely, challenging readers to move beyond their own dependency issues. Klaas breaks down the "12 steps" to explain them in ways applicable to anyone recovering through an Anonymous program, while Black presents a workbook that is designed for adult children of alcoholics but is helpful for anyone trying to identify and deal with feelings, behaviors, and family patterns. The 100 Best Treatment Centers in-eludes consideration of programs that specialize in treating lesbian/gay addicts or persons with AIDS.
Chemical Dependence
Alcoholics Anonymous. 3rd ed. New York: Alcoholics Anonymous, 1976.
Allen, Chaney. I'm Black and I'm Sober. Minneapolis: CompCare, 1978.
Kominars, Sheppard B. Accepting Ourselves: The Twelve-Step Journey of Recovery from Addiction for Gay Men and Lesbians.
New York: Harper and Row, 1989.
Mongeon, John E., and Ziebold, Thomas 0., eds. Gay and Sober: Directions for Counseling and Therapy. Binghamton, N.Y.: Harrington Park, 1985.
Siegel, Larry, and Korcoh, Milan. AIDS: The Drug and Alcohol Connection. Center City, Minn.: Hazelden Foundation, 1989.
V., Rachel. A Woman Like You: Life Stories of Women Recovering from Alcoholism and Addiction. New York: Harper and Row, 1985.
Alcoholics Anonymous is the socalled Big Book presenting AA's program of recovery and 44 personal stories. Kominars evaluates the 12 steps from a gay/lesbian perspective, while Mongeon and Ziebold present scholarly essays exploring relationships between alcoholism and homosexuality. Siegel and Korcoh discuss the special role that providers of chemical dependency treatment have in dealing with people at high risk for AIDS. Allen tells her story of growing up in poverty as the daughter of a strict minister; of progressing into alcoholism-induced pain, blackouts, and violent relationships; and of dedicating her life to helping other alcoholics once she became sober. A Woman Like You presents the stories of 19 women from varied backgrounds who are all recovering from alcoholism or other addictions.
Food Addiction
Chernin, Kim. The Hungry Self: Women, Eating, and Identity. New York: Harper and Row, 1985.
•
Orbach, Susie. Fat Is a Feminist Issue II. New York: Berkley Publishing, 1982.
Ray, Sondra. The Only Diet There Is. Berkeley, Calif: Celestial Arts, 1981.
•
Roth, Geneen. Breaking Free from Compulsive Eating. New York: Signet, 1984.
Roth outlines a positive program
•
for resolving the conflicts at the root : of eating disorders so that one can
•
develop new eating habits and become
more self-aware. Ray looks at • one's relationship to her-or himself
•
with activities to develop affirmations and positive strategies specific to that person; her premise is that negative
•
thoughts and feelings lead to negative eating patterns. Chernin examines contemporary female identity and its relationship to eating disorders, while Orbach offers a down-to-earth guide for women with activities designed to conquer compulsive eating.
Sex Addiction
Carnes, Patrick. Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction. Minneapolis: CompCare, 1983.
Open Hands 18
Schaef, Anne Wilson. Escape from Intimacy-Untangling the "Love" Addictions: Sex, Romance, Relationships. San Francisco: Harper and Row, 1989.
What Everyone Needs to Know about Sex Addiction. Minneapolis: CompCare, 1989.
Carnes's book is a landmark work for anyone concerned with sex addiction; he describes this addiction, family systems that can produce it, and the 12 steps to recovery. Schaef explores how addictions to sex, romance, and relationships are formed and how recovery can be possible. What Everyone Needs . . . offers a brief introduction to concepts of sex addiction and codependence, including 110 questions describing thought and behavior patterns of sex addicts and codependents.
Codependence
Beattie, Melody. Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. New York: Harper and Row, 1987. and Beyond Codependency: And Getting Better All the Time. New York: Harper and Row, 1989.
Bradshaw, John. Bradshaw on: The Family-A Revolutionary Way of Self-Discovery. Deerfield Beach, Fla.: Health Communications, 1988.
Mellody, Pia. Facing Codependence. New York: Harper and Row, 1989.
Schaef, Anne Wilson. Co-Dependence: Misunderstood-Mistreated. San Francisco: Harper and Row, 1986.
Drawing on her own experience, Beattie discusses codependence and offers a plan for recovery in Codependent No More. In the sequel, she explores how to love, affirm, and nurture oneself. Bradshaw synthesizes ideas from various disciplines and draws them together to offer practical tools for moving away from codependence to self-acceptance, while Schaef traces the history and
development of the concept of co•
dependence and discusses its often confusing overlapping definitions; she also discusses the cultural context of codependence and its implications and treatment. Mellody discusses how one can acknowledge past abuse and learn to nurture oneself and one's children to end codependence's intergenerational cycle.
National Organizations and Hotlines
The following national contacts can
: offer guidance to self-help and treatment programs in local areas across
• the country. Adult Children of Alcoholics-P.O. Box 3216, 2522 W. Sepulveda Blvd., Suite 200, Torrance, CA 90505; 1-213-534-1815. Alcoholics Anonymous-Box 459, Grand Central Station, New York, NY 10017; 1-212-686-1100. AI-Anon and Alateen (families and friends of alcoholics)-P.O. Box 862, Midtown Station, New York, NY 10018; 1-212-302-7240. 24-hour information line, 1-800-356-9996 (in NY, 1-800-245-4656) . Codependents Anonymous-P.0. Box 33577, Phoenix, AZ 85067; 1-602-944-0141. Food Addiction Hotline-1-800-U SA-0088 Narcotics Anonymous-P.0. Box 9999, Van Nuys, CA 91409; 1-818-780-3951. Nar-Anon {families and friends of drug addicts)-P.O. Box 2562, Palos Verdes, CA 90274; 1-213-547-5800. National Association of Lesbian and Gay Alcoholism Professionals (lesbian/gay-sensitive recovery programs)-204 W. 20th St., New York, NY 10011; 1-212-713-5074
National Council on Alcoholism-12 W. 21st St., New York, NY 10010; 1-800-NCA-CALL
National Institute on Drug
Abuse-I-800-662-HELP
: Overeaters Anonymous-P.0. Box 92870, Los Angeles, CA 90009; 1-213-542-8363.
•
O-Anon (families and friends of compulsive overeaters)-P.O. Box 4305, San Pedro, CA 90731.
•
Sex Addicts Anonymous-P.0. Box 3038, Minneapolis, MN 55403; 1-612-339-0217.
•
Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous-P.O. Box 229, New Town Branch, Boston, MA 02258; 1-617 -332-1845.
•
Women for Sobriety (women alcoholics)-Box 618, Quakertown, PA 18951; 1-215-536-8026.
· For More Resources
• Yoder, Barbara. The Recovery Resource Book. New York: Simon and Schuster, 1990.
The above resources are only a few • of the publications and organizations serving people with addictive be
· haviors and their loved ones. Many more are examined in Yoder's comprehensive guide to recovery resources in the United States. Individual chapters focus on specific addictions and behaviors, such as alcoholism, abuse of street drugs, compulsive overeating, codependence, and love and sex addictions. Additional chapters address the "special issues" of dual disorders, incest and abuse, and AIDS. Within each chapter, selfhelp and treatment programs are profiled, national organizations and hotlines are noted, and worthwhile books and magazines are reviewed. The alcoholism chapter includes separate sections on resources for female, ethnic, older, gay/lesbian, deaf, and young alcoholics.
Spring 1990 19
Special Report ~
As 200 voices exuberantly sang "Walls that divide are broken down, Christ is our unity!," bright sunshine broke through the heavy rainclouds that had hovered over San Francisco all day. This auspicious beginning to the second national convocation of Reconciling Congregations was a harbinger of the experience to come.
They arrived from all around the country-from 25 different annual conferences. They endured flight delays and detours caused by Midwestern snowstorms and Bay Area rains. Many were skittish about encountering the national reconciling movement for the first time. Some came to ascertain what, if anything, the Reconciling Congregation Program had to offer their local church. Some came questioning whether there was any place left in the church for lesbians and gay men. Others came for spiritual nourishment and mutual support on their faith journey.
This reconciling community gathered under the theme. Renewing the Vision: Parables of Hospitality, Healing, and Hope. They sang ...prayed ...told stories ...studied the Bible ... listened ...planned ...cheered ...laughed ... cried. They found a community that cared and loved each of its members unconditionally ...a community that gently nudged them forward on their faith journeys ...a community that envisioned a whole church which would be reconciled.
The convocation ... had all the qualities of an oldfashioned Methodist camp meeting!
Rev. Dennis Alexander
Wesley UMC, Minneapolis
Each of the three days of the convocation focussed on one aspect of the theme. Bishop Melvin Talbert set the tone of hospitality on Friday by welcoming participants to the San Francisco area of the United Methodist Church and challenging Reconciling
Congregations to continue their faithful witness. The concern for healing was woven through the worship, Bible study, and workshops on Saturday. That night's gala banquet provided an experience of healing through celebration. Sunday's workshops, Bible study, and stirring closing worship expressed hope for the reconciling church.
Symbolic of its desire to model the inclusive Body of Christ, the convocation included a special youth program. The youth present from around the country joined in the convocation worship and celebration, met separately for dialogue sessions, and trekked around San Francisco.
About 35 of the persons present had also participated in the first gathering of Reconciling Congregations in Chicago in March, 1987-a watershed event in the history of this movement. One of these participants exclaimed as she left: "I didn't think any event could surpass the first convocation, but this one was even better!"
Worship
Common worship was an integral part of the weekend experience. The opening liturgy reminded participants that, even as a diverse group of persons, they shared a common journey. Preacher Jim Conn (pastor of the Church of Ocean Park in Santa Monica) dared participants to reveal even that which they think is
The convocation ... was full of breath and life. It was symbolic of the way that the Holy Spirit is blowing through the UMC.
Re\'. Dana Carroll
Troy Conference
•
unspeakable about human sexuality-in • order to be prepared to offer complete
•
hospitality to the world. Conn's frank · language captured peoples' attention
•
and set a tone for seriously grappling
•
with the faith issues confronting om movement. Saturday's preacher, Rev. Janie Spahr (director of the Presbyterian More Light
· Ministry in Marin County, California), reminded Reco)1ciling Congregations of the gift of healing they have to offer lesbians and gay men. She told delightful stories of seeing God's presence in the lives of lesbians and gay men. Spahr challenged the congregations to dare to dream of the day when the church will be freed of homophobia and heterosexism. The community then practiced this ministry of healing by anointing one another with healing oil and remembering that "until all are healed, all are wounded."
Open Hands : 20
The convocation closed on Sunday afternoon, as it began, with worship. In her sermon, Reva Anderson (member of Central UMC in Toledo) challenged participants to return home with a message of hope. This task is not easy-so often the words of hopelessness confront us in society and in the
church. Anderson reminded the community that the true hope to which our movement lays claim is in Jesus Christ.
The worship closed with the Eucharistic meal. Participants gathered in an unbroken circle. Each participant was given seeds and commissioned to "go forth and plant these seeds in the soil of your congregation and community." While sharing the communion meal, the community sang "We are a gentle, loving people ...we are singing for our lives" and "We shall overcome someday."
True to its Methodist roots, the convocation's worship was enlivened by rousing congregational singing. Several participants remarked that they'd love to take this congregation home with them in order to hear such spirit-filled singing more often.
Bible Study
One plenary session each day was devoted to Bible study. Co-leader Joan Martin (codirector of the Church and World Institute at Temple University) was unable to attend due to a family emergency. Rev. Art Brandenburg (district superintendent in the Eastern Pennsylvania Conference) ably assumed the full mantle of leadership.
The Bible studies were conducted with small groups gathered around tables in the large hall. In an introductory session on Friday afternoon, Brandenburg invited each small group to use remembered Bible passages to construct a call to justice for our movement.
These messages were shared on Friday night in what many participants thought was one of the most stirring parts of the weekend. The large hall grew very still as individual voices offered hope-filled words from our tradition, for example:
Let us remember that perfect love casts out fear, for God so loved the world, not just this group or that group, for God shows no partiality. It is God's truth that shall set us free. God is in Christ, reconciling the world unto God's self. Blessed are you when people persecute you for righteousness' sake, then justice shall roll down like water and righteousness like an everflowing stream!
Murmurs of "amen" and "yes, Lord" were offered in thanksgiving for each of these gifts. As one participant remarked, the convocation "claimed the Bible as a source of strength and revelation, and longed for that day when the
Spring 1990
Bible ceased to be used as a weapon against lesbians and gay men."
Through worship, Bible study, workshops, meals, and conversation, the focus was constantly to seek the healing and wholeness of God that would liberate us.
Lois Seifert
Claremont UMC
Claremont, California
Friday night's session looked at the sometimes troubling story of Sodom and Gomorrah in Genesis 11 for what it can reveal to us about being a "people of hospitality." Saturday's lively session
centered on the story of Jesus healing . the possessed man (Legion) among the tombs in the Gospel of Mark. The final session dealt with Jesus' post-Resurrection
appearance on the road to Emmaus in the Lukan gospel.
Brandenburg continually challenged the community to translate the Biblical stories to the contemporary setting-to discern the Biblical message in the context of their lives. Persons responded enthusiastically to this challenge and discovered messages which were humorous, illuminating, and inspiring.
Workshops
Sets of workshops were offered on Saturday and Sunday. The workshops dealt with the concrete reality of local church ministries-how reconciling ministries with lesbians and gay men can be enhanced and how the national movement can be strengthened. Participants found the workshops to be a welcome opportunity to talk about the joys and the struggles of their particular congregations and to hear the stories of others.
A workshop on "How RCs Are
Growing" used Wallingford UMC in
Seattle as a case study of how a local
church can use being a Reconciling
Congregation as a tool for church
growth. "Opening Dialogue" offered
resources and discussion on beginning
the process of becoming a Reconciling
Congregation. "Lesbian/Gay Politics
American Style" provided ideas and
support for local churches advocating
lesbian/gay rights in their local COill21
munities. Witnessing to and building support for the Reconciling Congregation Program in annual conferences and regions was dealt with in "Sharing the Vision of Reconciliation." Strengthening the linkages between Reconciling Congregations across the country was the subje~; of "Empowering our RC Network.
The love {shown} at the convocation was unconditional. No wonder Reconciling Congregations are growing.
Mike Alexander
Bethany UMC, San Francisco
Other workshops developed skills in dealing with lesbian/gay concerns in racial minority communities, engaging in ministries with persons with AIDS and families of lesbians and gay men, using storytelling for spiritual growth, and educating children and youth about sexuality.
The workshops were all led by skilled volunteers from Reconciling Congregations and other friends of the movement. This diversity of proficient and creative leaders again testifies to the strength of this movement.
Celebration
Convocation participants took a needed break on Saturday afternoon to explore San Francisco, while preparations were being made for the banquet that evening. A local team, led by Jerry Brown (Calvary UMC) and Lorraine Moore (Bethany UMC), transformed the meeting hall into a festive rainbow of colors and cooked a splendid meal (in a site with no kitchen facilities).
During the evening's celebration, Bishop Melvin and Lucile Wheatley were recognized for their steadfast witness to the reconciling movement over many years. Mark Bowman and Beth Richardson received a special award for envisioning and providing national leadership to the Reconciling Congregation Program during the past five years.
A focal point of the celebration was a 12' x 12' quilt symbolizing the reconciling movement. Each Reconciling Congregation had been invited before the convocation to create a panel which was representative of their particular community. These panels were stitched together, interwoven with the convocation theme of "hospitality, healing, and hope," by Charles Berkstresser (Bethany UMC). This huge tapestry was then hung on the front wall of the hall.
During the banquet, a member of each congregation was invited to briefly describe its panel. The community applauded and cheered as delightful stories and new meanings were revealed for each individual panel.
The quilt is now being displayed at Bethany UMC in San Francisco and will be available to travel to other Reconciling Congregations around the country.
Unquestionably, the highlight of the celebration, and perhaps the whole weekend, was the premiere performance
of Paschal Pains and Platitudes: A Flower Song. Julian Rush (St. Paul's UMC in Denver) wrote this original musical for the reconciling movement. Sixteen volunteers from among the convocation participants gathered early Friday morning, before the convocation opened, to begin rehearsing for the performance. Under Rush's direction, they rehearsed for the next 36 hours whenever possible-during program breaks, during meals, and late at night-to prepare for the Saturday night premiere. Their performance was a smashing success.
Paschal Pains and Platitudes is a parable of hospitality. Flowers live securely in rich soil within the garden wall. The flowers consider the "gulus," who live outside the wall, to be weeds and bar them from entering the garden.
This convocation is a reality check for me-it affirms that I'm not the only person crazy enough for God to go out on a limb with the UMC.
Chip Aldridge
Dumbarton UMC
Washington, D.C.
Even when one of the gulus becomes ill and needs the nourishment of the garden soil, the flowers remain adamant in their exclusion. When the sick gulu dies, the rest angrily plan to storm the garden wall. However, the gulus' energy is redirected to another member who
Open Hands 22
has fallen sick. The tension builds and the performers remind us that this impasse
is not resolved-there is still no
"happy ending" to this story.
The audience was captivated by the melodious songs and diversity of musical styles which Rush wrote for Paschal Pains and Platitudes. The performers were mightily cheered for the ability to learn and perform the musical in less than two days.
Of course, many participants asked to get a copy of the musical to perform in their local communities. The musical has not yet been transcribed (Rush accompanied the performance himself without written music). But plans are under way for the Reconciling Congregation Program to publish the musical in the next few months.
Youth Activities
As one sign of the movement's resolve for the future, Reconciling Congregations were invited to send a youth representative to the convocation. Five youths participated--each from a different part of the country: Ohio, Wisconsin, Illinois, Oregon, and California.
After participating in the opening sessions, the youth retreated to their own space to get to know one another. The youth soon discovered their commonalities and bonded into their own family-they were often seen bounding arOlllld . arm-in-arm.
In their own sessions, the youth talked about their experiences in Reconciling Congregations. They discussed their relationships with lesbians and gay men-as parents or friends or fellow Christians. They talked about ways they could be a witness in their congregations and in their peer groups, helping to overcome fears and prejudices.
The convocation was an exciting experience of making great friends, sharing ideas, and just having fun ....many times better than I expected.
Elizabeth Bowman
Cleveland, Ohio
IVIost importantly to them, the youth toured around San Francisco-riding on the cable cars, visiting the Hard Rock Cafe, and shopping in the waterfront shops.
The significance of the youths' presence in the convocation was demonstrated by their leadership role in the closing worship service.
Going Forth
Hugs, smiles, and tears were lovingly exchanged as this newly formed family dispersed to their local communities on Sunday afternoon.
Reconciling Congregation members carried new ideas and renewed energy back to their local churches. Others departed with a heightened resolve to lead their congregations toward becoming reconciling communities. Church leaders conveyed stories a'ld images of this vibrant movement of United Methodists that is leading the larger church to a new expression of the family of God. Lesbians and gay men returned home to recreate the true experience of "home" that they discovered at the convocation.
Overall, the convocation was striking evidence that the reconciling movement has come of age and will play a prominent role in the future of the church. The convocation was truly a model of what the community of faith, the inclusive Body of Christ, can be. At the same time, the convocation empowered its participants to return home to witness and work to create that community in their own congregations.
The Reconciling Congregation
Program ...is our best
hope to move the UMC
toward effective
faithfulness in the '90s, to
make it a "decade of
destiny"-and to set the
agenda for the 21st
century.
Rev. Charles Straut
District superintendent
New York Conference
As one expression of the conviction to be a strong, leavening force in the church, the Reconciling Congregation Program established new direction for the national movement. A ten member board of directors was elected and commissioned to provide leadership and guidance for the national movement. They will be working with the leadership of Affirmation: United Methodists for Lesbian and Gay Concerns, the organization which birthed and nurtured the reconciling movement, to define organizational relationships which will further the movement for justice for lesbians and gay men.
Rejoice, people of God! The seeds of hope live in you, and God makes all this possible.
Spring 1990 23
Rep
Report
New Reconciling Congregations
Prospect Park UMC
(Afinneapolis, Afinnesom)
Prospect Park is a small, but diverse, congregation of about 200 members located near the University of Minnesota. Many students and visiting professors are active in the church. Several lesbian families are also part of the congregation.
Programming is available for many age levels. An active adult education program on Sunday morning covers a wide range of subjects, including study of books that severa}. church members have published. The church also has a large Sunday school for children. In addition, Prospect Park offers a quilters' group for seniors, an active men's group, and a young adult group. The church sponsors several retreats each year to provide opportunities for spiritual growth and fellowship.
Prospect Park also takes seriously its responsibility to be in ministry with others outside its congregation. It holds ecumenical services and events through the year with other churches in the community. It also supports several mission projects, including a local community center and food shelf, and a children's orphanage in Africa.
First UMC of Germantown
(Philadelphia, Pennsylvania)
First UMC is one of the older congregations in Philadelphia, having been founded in 1796. The congregation is located in the historic Germantown neighborhood.
The congregation is very diverse with membership of just over 900. It is a racially integrated congregation and has a diversity of family units and single person of all ages.
First UMC is a "sanctuary congregation" and has been very active in Central American issues. It has sponsored several refugee families from Guatemala who are now U.S. citizens. It sent observers to the recent Nicaraguan elections.
The congregation has an active Commission on Religion and Race and has been very intentional about dialogue on racism. The congregation is planning a visit with Nelson Mandela during his trip to the United States. Its Commission on the Status and Role of Women has engaged the congregation in study and action on women's concerns. A celebration was recently held on "Women's Work."
* * * * *
We welcome Prospect Park UMC and First UMC of Germantown as the 43rd and 44th Reconciling Congregations.
RCs Testify Before Study Committee
Representatives from several Reconciling Congregations in the Northeast were among the 47 persons testifying before the UMC Study Committee on Homosexuality at its first "listening post" or field hearing on April 28 in Madison, New Jersey.
Members of Reconciling Congregations and other interested United Methodists are encouraged to attend and testify before the five remaining listening posts:
•
Park Ridge, Ill., Aug. 18, 1990
•
Portland, Oreg., Sept. 30, 1990
•
Claremont, Calif., Oct. 6, 1990
•
Oklahoma City, Okla., Oct. 6, 1990
•
Nashville, Tenn., date to be announced Please call David Lundquist's
office at the General Council on Ministries (513/227-9400) for exact locations.
Upcoming Affirmation Meeting
The fall meeting of Affirmation: United Methodists for Lesbian/Gay Concerns is planned for September
•
13-15, 1990, in Washington D.C. For
•
information, write Affirmation, P.O. · Box 1021, . Evanston, IL 60204.
· Holy Union Controversy
Actions by two Reconciling Con•
gregations publicly supporting "holy unions" for lesbian or gay couples
•
have incurred the opposition of their
•
UMC conference leaders. On May 3, after several months of
•
study and preparation, Dumbarton
•
UMC (Washington, D.C.) adopted a
•
statement entitled ''An Understanding · of Lesbian/Gay Holy Unions." The
•
public announcement of this state•
ment along with the plans for a
•
union service for a lesbian couple in
•
the congregation received media
• attention across the country. Dumbarton leaders were-called to a special meeting with their bishop a few days later, in which they were told that they would be breaking UMC law if such a service were held in their building and that charges could be brought against their pastor. In a congregational meeting the following Sunday, the congregation reaffirmed its statement while deciding to hold the particular service in another church building so as not to jeopardize the position of their pastor. In a related development, U niversity UMC (Madison, Wisconsin) received local media attention about their holy unions along with the Dumbarton coverage. In 1986, in consultation with their conference's leaders, University had developed a policy on celebrating lesbian or gay relationships. A week after the local news story, University received a letter from the current conference leaders disallowing any future holy unions.
At this time, both congregations are in dialogue with their respective conference officials to seek clearer understandings of how they can carry out their ministries of blessing lesbian/gay relationships.
Open Hands 24