Open Hands Vol 6 No 3 - Youth and Sexual Identity: New Vistas

Open Hands Vol 6 No 3 - Youth and Sexual Identity: New Vistas

6

3

1991

Winter

"Is
your heart true to my heart as mine . ? If·zs to yours. . . . It zs, gzve me your hand. " 2 Kings 10:15 Reconciling Ministries with Lesbians and Gay Men
Vol. 6 No.3 Winter 1991
ne
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Open Hands is published quarterly by the Reconciling Congregation Program, Inc., as a resource for congregations and individuals seeking to be in ministry with lesbians and gay men. Each issue of Open Hands focuses on a particular area of concern related to gay men and lesbians within the Church.
The Reconciling Congregation Program is a network of United Methodist local churches that publicly affirm their ministry with the whole family of God and welcome lesbians and gay men into their community of faith. In this network, Reconciling Congregations fmd strength and support as they strive to overcome the divisions caused by prejudice and homophobia in our church and in our society. Reconciling Congregations, along with their kindred More Light (Presbyterian), Open and Mfirming (United Church of ChristlDisciples of Christ), Reconciled-in-Christ (Lutheran), and Welcoming (Unitarian Universalist) congregations, offer hope that the church can be a reconciled community.
To enable local churches to engage in these ministries, the Reconciling Congregation Program provides resource materials, including Open Hands. Information about the program and these resources can be obtained from:
Reconciling Congregation Program
P.O. Box 23636
Washington, D.C. 20026
Phone: 202/863-1586
Reconciling Ministries with Lesbians and Gay Men
Vol. 6 No.3
----------------~---The
Starting Point I Affirnung dolescence ................................ 4
John Hannay
Rainbow's End: Creating a af la
Janie Spahr
Cultural Expectations and Experience: Thr
Mrican American...................................................................... .
Stefan Wade
Native American.......................................................................... 8 Stephen E. Watt Asian American............................................ '.' ............................. 9 Bertie Mo
Listening to youth........................................................................... 11
Since When Is Discrimination OK? ........................................... 12
Carrie Thompson
A Conversation at School.. ......................................................... 12
Abigail Peterson
Sunflowers in a Rose Garden..................................................... 13
LAB, Jr.
Families with Lesbian/Gay Parents................................................ 14
James Fagelson
Beyond Dichotomies....................................................................... 15
Ann Thompson Cook
Surrounded by Silence: Youth in Exile ........................................ 18
Jack Harrison
Walking Alongside youth............................................................... 21
Melany Burrill
Resources......................................................................................... 17
RCP Report..................................................................................... 23
Letters.. ............................................................................................ 24
Cover Photo © 1988 Doug Hinckle, The Washington Blade.
2 Open Hands
Youth and Sexual Identity: New Vistas
Within the past few years, the gayllesbian community as well as those who are concerned about youth have begun to turn attention to young people who are either identifying or behaving in ways that suggest the labels of gay, lesbian, or bisexual. Recognizing these youthtechnically, sexual minority youth---()pens a whole new set of vistas and poses a number of challenges.
Sexual minority youth challenge those of us in the gayllesbian community, because we tend to think of ourselves solely in adult terms. They challenge the church and society at large because we prefer not to think of youth as sexual beings. They even challenge those who accept adolescent sexuality but assume that young people are, by nature, heterosexual.
Being a young person in today's world is tough. Being a sexual minority youth is frequently tougher. Because of societal denial, they have few support systems. Remarkably, a large number of them grow up to be happy and healthy in spite of it all.
Yet many don't make it-or make it with deep scars that take years to heal. Gay and bisexual males under age 24 are the most at-risk group of youth for HIV infection today-two to three times as high as any other subset of adolescents. Sexual minority youth are two to three times as likely to commit suicide as their heterosexual peers. A 1989 report by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services hypothesized that as many as 30 percent of completed teen suicides may be related to confusion or isolation arising from sexual orientation. Anecdotal reports from youth-serving agencies around the United States (particularly those serving youth on the streets) suggest that sexual minority youth experience much higher incidents of drug and alcohol addiction or abuse, homelessness, family neglect and abuse, and harassment and violence.
In this issue of Open Hands, we share positive stories about how people of faith are helping gay, lesbian, and bisexual youth grow up. We also examine sexual identity issues that arise in families with lesbian and gay adults and youth. By including voices of young people and adults who have confronted and worked through these issues, the articles presented here strive both to examine some distinctly cultural issues and to analyze the way churches have contributed to the problems and the solutions.
We often hear the trite (and offensive) assertion that youth are our future.
The reality is that young people-including sexual minority youth-are part
of our present. Together with their heterosexual peers, they want to be
positive partners with adults in shaping a world of justice, peace, prosperity,
and reconciliation...
Next Issues Theme:
Toward a Lesbian/Gay Theology
Reconciling Congregation Program Coordinator
Mark Bowman
Open Hands Co-Editors
Bradley Rymph Ann Thompson Cook
This Issue's Coordinators
Ann Thompson Cook John Hannay
Editorial Assistants
Van Dixon Donna Jones
Graphic Design
Supon Design Group
Open Hands is published four times a year. Subscription is $16 for four issues ($20 outside the U.S.A.). Single copies, including back issues, are available for $5 each; quantities of 10 or more are $3 each. Permission to reprint is granted upon request. Unsolicited manuscripts are welcomed and will be acknowledged if they are scheduled to be published. Subscriptions, letters to the editors, manuscripts, requests for advertising rates and information, and other correspondence should be sent to:
Open Hands
P.O. Box 23636
Washington, D.C. 20026
Phone: 202/863-1586
Copyright © 1991 by the Reconciling Congregation Program, Inc. Open Hands is a registered trademark.
Member, The Associated Qmrch Press ISSN 0888-8833
inter 1991 3
The Starting Point Is Affirming Adolescence
by John Hannay
A topic that generates much enthusiasm but little activity within churches is ministry with youth. Too often churches with thriving ministries have strong religious education programs for young children~ adult ministries of wide variety~ but scanty or weak offerings for those in-between-teenagers. When asked to rate the importance of youth ministries~ most congregants rate it as highly important~ although not an activity in which they are willing to become involved.
This ambivalence regarding youth ministry reflects a general ambivalence toward teenagers within our larger culture. Their period of life is very much a mystery to most of us~ and we~re not really sure we like them. Teens exhibit a wide variety of emotions and behaviors~ sometimes without apparent rhyme or reason. Such misunderstanding and confusion surrounding adolescence also contribute powerfully to fears and anxieties about adolescent sexuality.
Shifting Understandings ofAdolescence
Like it or not~ those of us concerned about adolescents are having to come to terms with the reality that adolescents exist~ in part~ as sexual beings. In some urban areas~ for example~ one out of four teens have had sexual intercourse by age 15. (In rural~ suburban~ and urban areas~ 60 to 90 percent of high school students have had sexual intercourse at least monthly by the time they graduate.) Teenagers account for a high number of unplanned pregnancies~ and one out of five adults with AIDS probably became infected via sexual activity while an adolescent.1
Nevertheless~ the idea of adolescent sexuality is relatively new in Western thought and culture. Only recently have concepts of human growth and development begun to define adolescence as a stage of life. Until the latter part of the 19th century~ neither social~ economic~ nor public health systems allowed for adolescent sexuality. Children were children until the onset of puberty~ usually age 14 or 15~ when they began to take on the physical aspects of adulthood-the ability to reproduce and nurture children~ appearance of facial and body hair~ enlargement of skeleton and musculature necessary to carry out survival tasks~ and so on. Once the process of puberty was complete~ usually within a year or two~ they became adults-marrying~ raising children~ and/or entering the work force.
With the social and economic changes brought on by the industrial revolution and extended schooling~ a period of life began to evolve in which one was no longer a child~ yet not given the full opportunities and responsibilities of adulthood. Added to this have been recent advances in nutrition~ reduction in child mortality~ and lower ages for the onset of puberty (currently beginning as young as age 10 in girls and 11 in boys). Whereas the period associated with adolescence was once brief and coincided with physical development~ it is now lengthy (as long as 12 years) and out of synch with physical maturation.
Thus~ we now have a group of people who are physically out of childhood~ capable of reproducing~ and experiencing a full range of sexual feelings. Yet they are not considered to possess the intellectual and psychological skills to manage adulthood and adult sexuality-nor are they given appropriate guidance in developing these skills.
Denial: The Prevailing Ethic
We all have had the tendency to deny that adolescents are sexual beings. We insist~ instead~ that they deny their sexual needs and feelings until they are adults and heterosexually married-at which point~ it is assumed~ they will suddenly possess all the skills successfully to manage the sexual aspect of a committed relationship. Besides the heterosexism of such an ethic~ it hardly facilitates young people~ s overall health and development. Many human development experts now believe that~ in the long run~ affirmation and careful teaching of adolescent sexuality would be more beneficial and productive than the present ethic.
As things stand now~ society's denial of adolescent sexuality leads to a lot of casual, furtive~ unplanned~ and careless sexual activity among teenagers. In recent group discussions conducted by adolescent health researchers~ many young people have expressed awareness of sexual health
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4 Open Hands
threats and a desire to avoid them. They want accurate, forthright, and honest information on human sexuality and sexual health. Yet they consistently voice fears that they will be punished and/or ridiculed by adults when they request help regarding sex. They do not feel that they have a right to ask for information and devices (such as condoms) that will help them stay healthy while expressing their sexuality in positive ways. These feelings of isolation and repression are compounded for sexual minority youth, who also risk drastic changes in their peer relationships, discrimination in their communities and school, and breakdown within their family structures, ifand when their sexual orientation becomes known.
The need to rethink approaches to adolescent sexuality poses a big dilemma for Christian churches. Not only do most of our rituals and ethical systems reflect a child/adult dichotomy. Even more powerful is the denial and lack of affirmation for any sexuality that exists outside of heterosexual marriage. Besides closing off opportunities within the Church to examine and shape a healthy adolescent sexuality, such an approach prevents society from dealing with the public health aspects and consequences of adolescent sexual activity.
This must stop. We will never successfully handle the problems of teenage pregnancy, escalating sexually transmitted disease rates, and adolescent HIV/AIDS infection, among other public health challenges, until we have in place a new ethic of adolescent sexuality. (Moreover, I suspect, the institutional church will not be able to stem its severe membership loss among young people until it has adopted an approach that affirms adolescent sexuality.)
Affirmative Sexuality: A More Helpful Ethic
What would a new approach of affirmation and careful teaching look like? First, the new approach must involve families. Parents and/or other significant relatives/adults are among children's most powerful teachers, both for sexual information and behaviors. To do their job well, families must be given information, tools, and skills in which positive communication and guidance about sexuality can occur.
Second, the affirming approach must start early. This is not to say that we should offer children in pre-school settings explicit sexual information. But education about sexuality and about their bodies can progress in age-appropriate ways, and the sooner that starts, the better. Fortunately, many schools, churches, and community groups have experience in sex education with younger children. We need to
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build on and enhance the quality of what has already been accomplished here.
Third, an affirming approach educates youth in the context of overall personal development, recognizing that sexual needs and feelings occur interactively with other needs and feelings. Such an approach seeks to build a positive sexual self-image as it builds overall self-image. It teaches sexuality in the context of human relationships, rather than particular kinds of genital activities. An affirming approach does not ask young people to deny or hate a part of themselves, nor indoctrinate youth to "just say no." Rather, it encourages youth to reflect consistently on ··what do I know?"
Fourth, an affirming approach teaches and challenges youth to be personally and socially responsible. It educates young people fully and honestly about the wide diversity of human sexuality and the consequences of particular behaviors. Rather than withholding information-fearing that ··if we tell them, they will do ie'-an affirming approach gives young people tools and skills to act responsibly. It advocates setting appropriate limits to avoid certain unwanted consequences-and discusses those limits with youth.
Finally, an affirming approach to adolescent sexuality celebrates, as other cultures do, the specialness of adolescence as a time of life. Although adolescence is fraught with tensions and awkward moments, it is also a time when one becomes more aware of oneself as a unique creation-of one's ability to form meaningful relationships outside the family and to make meaningful contributions to society. Discovering this and working it out to fit one's values and needs involves a lot of trial and error. An affirming approach to adolescent sexuality expects and supports this experimentation and uses it as a basis for growth.
Only in the context of an affirming approach to adolescent sexuality in general can churches begin to work more specifically with gay, lesbian, and bisexual youth. This is because a minority sexual identity is such an important part of these youths' overall identity, and because they face a great deal of negativity in society at large. Sexual minority youth cannot (and, by and large, will refuse to) be helped by institutions that reflect sex-negative or sex-ambivalent attitudes. These youth need to feel safe and unconditionally accepted before they will engage in ministry with any community of faith.
The challenge for churches, then, is to move beyond views of sexuality that intentionally or unintentionally foster homophobia and heterosexism. My own understanding of God leads me to believe that, while they may not always like it, churches will eventually examine their approaches and respond to these young people. The day will come when sexual minority youth, as well as their heterosexual peers, will be helped to grow, to develop, and to integrate their sexuality and their spirituality into a positive, overall selfimage.....
Note
1. u.s. Centers for Disease Control, Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report, January 4, 1991.
John Hannay is coordinatorfor Outreach to Sexual Minority Youth for the Maryland Department ofHealth and Mental Hygiene. He holds a master oftheological studies from Wesley Theological Seminary.
inter 1991 5
by Janie Spahr
Rainbow~s End--a program of, by~ andfor young peopleemergedfrom a group ofpeople coming together with a common need and a common goal. Here is our story:
I n the spring of 1984, a young person named Marla called the Volunteer Center in Marin County, . California, asking ifshe could volunteer at a lesbian! gay-identified agency. She said she was exploring her own sexuality and wanted to meet gay and lesbian people. Marla arrived soon thereafter at the Ministry of Light, a lesbian! gay outreach ministry of the Presbyterian Church (USA) in northern California.
That same spring, as part of our annual presbytery report, Phyllis, an elder at a local church, spoke these powerful words:
IfI told you my daughter was in prison~ you would offer to visit her with me. IfI told you my daughter was on drugs or alcohol~ you would be with me in her recovery. Why is it that when I tell you my daughter is a lesbian~ you give me stone silence?
During the break, a woman with tears in her eyes came over to talk with me. "Janie," she said, "I have been an elder in my church for almost 30 years, and I have never attended a Presbytery meeting until today. Now I know why I'm here. I have a wonderful daughter, raised up in our church, who hasn't been back to church since she was a teenager. She is lesbian and works with youth in San Francisco. We are so proud of her and I have never told anyone in my church." We cried together.
A few weeks later, I met with that daughter, Chris Van Stone, who was doing her social work internship at Larkin Street Center with street youth in downtown San Francisco. Chris could hardly believe that the Presbyterian Church was involved in a ministry with gay and lesbian people.
Chris and I talked about her desire to begin a youth group with lesbian and gay youth. She told me that after a local radio station had inadvertently advertised Larkin Street Center as working specifically with gay and lesbian youth, they had been inundated with calls from youth throughout the city who felt isolated, who needed support and someone to talk to. Some who had called were close to suicide.
Next, Chris and I met with a small group oflesbian and gay people in our community, including Marla, who felt strongly that, with Chris's help, the Ministry of Light should begin a gayllesbian youth project in Marin County. We began by conducting a needs assessment, a poll of teachers, counselors, pastors, priests, rabbis, and community agencies. As we suspected, the need was there. To spread word of our new program, one of our organizers wrote an article for a local newspaper about growing up gay in our county,
Rainbow~s
End: Creating a Safe Place ee
and Marla began talking to friends in her school who were lesbian or gay. In late summer, some 20 youth gathered with the organizers.
The youth began holding weekly meetings at a local church. Marla held orientation sessions for newcomers, stressing the importance of confidentiality to the success of the group. We adults began a newsletter for the group, while two youth, Bonnie and Jeff, met with a facilitator to write a statement of our mission and purpose, which the group used to begin the process of saying who we were and why we were here.
Over the next three years, the youth, aged 14 to 21, grew to support and care for each other and began taking on leadership positions. Marla wrote the newsletter, and several of the youth facilitated the "youth topic" for particular meetings. We invited gay/lesbian leaders in our community to come and share their expertise-from writing to parenting. Marla's and Bonnie's mothers became very supportive of our group and served as a resource for parents who needed another parent to talk to. When two of our youth moved to Seattle, one wrote the words to a song called "Rainbow's End" and put it on our wall as she was leaving. The group then named themselves Rainbow's End.
By the fall of 1988, several high schools in the Bay Area had heard about Rainbow's End. When teachers called asking us to speak, Guy, Marla, and Bonnie began our speakers bureau, and others have joined since. There is nothing like youth hearing and meeting lesbian!gaylbisexual youth. (You will notice that I have added "bisexual," since some bisexual youth have join~d our group, educating us and helping us to become more inclusive.)
One ofthe joys I experience at Rainbow~s End is being a public speaker. Going to high schools and speaking about being a gay young man is exhilarating and informative. I get to learn where my peers are in dealing with their own prejudices~ and they get
6 Open Hands
e e
e
to learn what it is like to be on the other end ofthose prejudices. Also, I get the opportunity to say to other gay youth that they are not alone and that there is somewhere they can go.
In February 1989, Rainbow's End received the Pioneer
Award from an organization called Speaking Out for their
courage in speaking to high school students. Marla was
asked to receive the award on behalf of the group. There
wasn't a dry eye in the place.
Since several of our youth demonstrated such good
leadership ability, we adults began to discuss inviting
them to take on the role of facilitator. This was timely,
as one of our facilitators was soon to leave. Not sure what to
expect, we moved forward with the plan, and on July 1,
1990, Chris became our youth supervisor, while Danielle
and Steve, both 20 years old, became youth facilitators.
The arrangement worked great!
Here is Steve describing his experience:
At the age of18, I knew I was gay. I'd been out of the closet for four years and had accepted my homosexuality, but something was missing. I came to Rainbow's End and learned that I could be proud of who I was. Now, two years later, Rainbow's end has become an important part ofmy life.... It is a great joy to see my peers come infrightened, lonely, and confused, and leave knowing that they do infact have an opportunity to lead normal, healthy lives as lesbian and gay people.
And Danielle:
After attending Rainbow's Endfor well over a year, I realize just how much I have grown and accomplished since the first group that I attended. I went from insecurity and shame, but coming to group and talking to other youth has brought me to a level ofConfident and Proud Lesbian. But what is also important to me is being shown that I am loved and repected
by my peers-maybe not because ofmy sexuality, but because ofmy personality and views.... If you want to really know what Rainbow's End means to me, think ofyourfavoritefriends and/orfamily members and how special and giving they are--and the love youfeel toward them and the love you get from them--and then you'll know how I feel about Rainbow's End.
The love, support, and care we have seen in the last six
years has been astounding. When youth go on to school or
work, or move away, we get post cards, notes, calls, and
even visits-just to let us know how they are.
Dear Chris ... I would like to thank youfor being a positive lesbian presence in my life at a time when I really needed one. Just getting to know you helped me out.
Chris Van Stone has worked with the youth consis tently for six years. Chris left her own church at the age of 15 because she felt different. Now she has
made it possible for youth at that very same age to find support
and love-a place that is safe. These are Chris's words:
My memories ofattending our church youth group are still very vivid. I can remember my mother insisting that I go no matter how much I complained. She had no idea how "different" Ifelt. As a young person, I needed to hear that myfeelings were okay, that my church would accept me, God would accept me, and that being a lesbian was something I couldfeel good about. Instead I heard nothing. Because I heard nothing, I felt alone. Remembering this time in my life helps me remain committed to insuring that young people have the opportunity to share, socialize, and receive supportfrom lesbian, gay, and bisexual people andfrom heterosexuals who are not afraid to talk aboutfeeling "different. " Rainbow's End has been part ofa healing process not onlyfor many young people, butfor myselfas well. Maybe someday young people won't need separate groups to express themselves openly and honestly, without sacrificing acceptance.
By the way, at Rainbow's End we say that we don't care what your sexual orientation is. We want you to feel safe here and to like who you are. Weare here to help you be yourself.T
Since 1982, Rev. Jane Adams Spahr has been executive director ofthe Ministry ofLight, a nonjudgmental outreach ministry withgayllesbian people, their families andfriends in northern California.
inter 1991 7
Cultural Expectations an
Mrican American
by Stefan Wade
African Americans enter adolescence well acquainted with feelings of being different. Since early childhood, they have faced the racism ofAmerican society, sometimes blatant, but more often subtle and institutionalized. Simply to survive in the predominant culture, these young people have learned to manage their feelings, often relying on the support of parents, siblings, extended family members, and the church.
By the time young people begin to develop their sexual identity and recognize that their orientation is quite different from most of those who surround them, they have already developed skills to help them cope with being different. To their benefit, these youth usually enter this period with great coping ability, having already dealt with a lifetime of adversity.
The Family
The family plays a critical role in the development of the Mrican-American individual-not only the nuclear family but also the extended family, including aunts, uncles, grandparents, and even neighbors and family friends. Often such people are called upon for financial aid, child care, advice, and emotional support. Sometimes extended family members reside in the same home or neighborhood, and their opinions may be critical. Sometimes an Mrican-American lesbian or gay young person lives with a relative, and while the parents may have little to do with his or her care and may not object to the individual's sexual orientation, the primary caretaker may take issue with the young person's feelings, identity, or behavior.
The Church
For many Mrican-American young people, the church exerts a strong psychological, sociopolitical, and sociological influence. Historically, religion has played a role in sustaining Mrican-Americans in adverse social circumstances and has been a rallying point for societal change.
Once Mrican-American youth identify and acknowledge their sexual orientation, they frequently experience either a loss of two major supports, family and church, or find themselves surrounded by conflict that can have extreme consequences for their development.
Sexual minority youth often feel a strong sense of loneliness and isolation. Unable to feel part of the social mainstream due to their ethnic and cultural background, and now threatened with alienation from the important social supports that have sustained them through their developmental years, these young people struggle to cope with the upheaval in their lives and to create new structures to support their continued development.
The LesbianJGay Corrununity
One support strategy involves integration into the lesbian/gay community. Once again, however, racism becomes a critical area of conflict for Mrican-American lesbian and gay youth. They are initially attracted by the possibility of membership in a group and the support the group provides, but they eventually learn that, even as group members, they will continue to be victims of racism and discrimination.
In Sister Outsider, Audre Lorde describes the challenge of having several oppressed identities, of "constantly being encouraged to pluck out some one aspect of [your]self and present this as the meaningful whole, eclipsing or denying the other parts of self." For Mrican-American lesbians, she explains, it is often difficult or impossible to find a community that offers full acceptance. Lesbianism is largely considered incompatible with the role expectations of women in the Mrican-American community. At the same time, lesbian-supportive communities and social groups often marginalize their Mrican-American members and do not provide the level of affirmation that other members receive.
Clearly, sexual minority youth face great challenges in integrating two central identities that can be highly charged in our society: being an Mrican-American and being gay or lesbian.
Native American
by Stephen E. Watt
Prior to European contact, many Native American tribes placed no special emphasis on sexual identity. A child was allowed to freely embody sexual desires and feelings for either sex, while homosexual persons were considered an integral and necessary part of the community.
The Ojibwa name for a homosexual person was "special," and in many tribes a homosexual person had special roles in religious or healing ceremonies. It was believed that a person with same-sex desires contained spiritual elements of both male and female.
Today, by contrast, the Native American population in the United States (over 1.5 million) adheres to the European models of male and female roles. In many native cultures,
8 Open Hands
Experience: Three Views
this change resulted from early European contact and the efforts of missionaries to educate the ""savages" in European thought and traditions. The early missionaries also abolished ceremonies that involved homosexual acts, as among the Hopi, and taught the native people that homosexual acts are an abomination in the eyes of God.
In the current attitude of the native population toward homosexuality, machismo has brutally replaced compassion. Many sexual minority youth in native populations today face the dual problems of rural reservation life and a lack of compassion toward their sexual identity. As in today's majority culture, these native youth quietly suffer humiliation and sometimes violence from their peers. Frequently, there is no one for them to turn to for help or guidance. Positive local resources for gay and lesbian native youth are extremely rare, and no nationally organized Native American groups specifically help native sexual minority youth.
Although there are no statistics regarding homosexuality in Native American cultures today, it is widely believed that bisexuality is more common than exclusive homosexuality. Only recently, with the appearance of AIDS within the native population, have Native Americans begun to address the issue once again. The AIDS pandemic has alerted reservation communities to the need for open adult discussions about sex, the need for sex education, and the need for compassion toward sexual minority youth in the population.
Native Americans must remember the love and kindness toward homosexual people that were once a part of their culture as they work to recognize and address the needs of today's lesbian and gay youth.
Asian American
by Bertie Mo
In Asianl homelands, particularly among peasants and the working class, sexuality and procreation are an integral part of life. In the United States, however, the Christian church-including the church in Asian-American communities-has displayed extreme insensitivity to issues of sexuality. In general, the church discourages individuals from discussing any issues of potential conflict, including lifestyle differences and experiences of pain and oppression. Likewise, it has not dealt effectively with the loneliness, pain, and confusion of youth who are concerned and/or confused about their sexual identity.
Asian-American youth in the church carry a double b u ..den in their perception of what God (as reflected by the church) expects from them and what their parents and culture expect.
In traditional Asian society, individualism in most instances is not tolerated (except perhaps among the rich) and is thought to endanger the entire community. Interdependence within the community is considered to be integral to the survival of society. Children's main purposes in life are to marry, to have children to carryon the family name, and to support and care for parents in their old age. Any diversion from this standard not only jeopardizes the adult child's standing in the community but also casts aspersions on the character of the family and suggests its inability to raise a child properly.
From the church hierarchy, Asian-American youth receive the message that they need to lead ""good," ""clean" lives. Translated, this means sexless. Woe to the child or adolescent who is involved in homosexual behavior, which is stigmatized by both society and the church.
As the church moves out into the world as an advocate for those have not been accepted-including people of color, refugees, the homeless, those who have been abused, people with HIV disease-it must also help youths who are struggling with their sexual identities to feel that they are accepted just as they are. Only when the church provides warm, caring people who can listen to what young people are going through will it truly minister to all people.~
Note
1. Asian/Pacific Islanders in the United States are a diverse cultural group comprised of at least 32 different language and ethnic/racial groups, within each of which are found differences based on nativity and generation in the United States. This commentary focuses on the groups that have been heavily influenced by Confucian philosophy: Chinese, Korean, and Japanese.
Stefan Wade is past president ofthe Sexual Minority Youth Assistance League in Washington, D.C. He has several years' experience working in mental health settings with children, youth, andfamilies. He is currently working toward a Ph.D. in social work at the University ofMaryland.
Stephen Watt, a Seneca with experience in Native American advocacy and AIDS in the native population, currently works for a national organization concerned with education.
Bertie Mo, a native San Franciscan, grew up in a Presbyterian Church in Chinatown. She now holds advanced degrees in medical anthropology and public health education and cofounded the Bay Area's Pacifu; AIDS Coalition.
Winter 1991 9
Upper portion ofposter used with permission ofthe Wingspan Ministry ofSt. Paul-Reformation Lutheran Church, 100 N. Oxford St., St. Paul, MN 55104.
Open Hands
10
LISTENING TO YOUTH
As part of a recent "Coming Out Workshop" for a multicultural gathering of youth (ages 15 to 21) at the
Sexual Minority Youth Assistance League in Washington, D.C., I asked the youth to pair off and interview each other,
. using the following questions:
1.
Please name one person you're considering coming out to.
2.
Do you depend on this person for anything (shelter, food, job, money, other)?
3.
Name three things that might happen if you do come out to this person.
4.
Name three things that are likely to happen if you don't come out to this person.
5. What signals has this person given you about how shelhe might react?
More than half of the group named mother or father. Following is a sampling of their responses (responses grouped
together were made by the same person).
THINGS THAT MIGHT HAPPEN
IF I DO COME OUT
TO MY MOTHER/FATHER
She'll try to talk me out of being gay.
She'll think of it as a choice.
She'll think of it!
She won't give ash.. !
I'll be evicted.
I'll lose contact with my family.
I'll send them to an early grave.
Shocked.
Disappointed.
May want me to move out.
She'll be concerned for my well-being.
She'll be confused.
She'll be understanding and loving.
Ok.
AIready knew. Might want to meet Mario.
Still love me but not accept me being gay. Try to convert me to being "straight."
They gonna be sad and cry. They don't gonna talk to me. End of the world.
-Ann Thompson Cook
THINGS THAT MIGHT HAPPEN
IF I DON'T COME OUT
TO MY MOTHER/FATHER
The subject will come up anyway.
I'll feel like isolation is taking place.
It will create a barrier that would block future
conversation.
Nada.
He'll find out anyway. Personal duress.
More lying. Depression. More distrust.
Friction. Confusion. Guilt of lying.
Hide entire life.
No understanding.
Will have expectations that I can't fulfill.
I'll feel guilty for lying.
There will be an outward or superficial peace
(no confrontation).
They really won't know who I am.
'inter 1991 II
---~ -~- - ~~-- --~------- ~~~--~~~~~~~----------------------~------
SINCE WHEN Is
DISCRIMINATION OK?
by Carrie Thompson
A CONVERSATION AT SCHOOL
by AbigailPeterson-Finch
Discrimination is Gretchen: "So what kind of church do yo~ go to,
Abigail?"
aUowed.
It is acceptable.
TAbigail: "I go to Dumbarton United Methodist and we're o anyone reading this, a reconciling congregathose statements are tion."
ridiculous. Yet almost
G: "Huh?"
everyday at school, 1 hear A: "It means we accept gaysderogatory remarks aimed at a and lesbians in our faithcertain minority. Not words community. 1 like it, it's
like nigger, chink, and spicopen
to everybody, really
they are never heard, and
inclusive. " indeed should never be heard, Marcia: ""Yeah, 1 think that'sanywhere. But almost a good idea." everyday, 1 hear the word A: ""And I've been to a holy
faggot.
union. It's like a weddingDiscrimination against for gays and lesbians. Thishomosexuals is rampant at this and other schools. The oppression can be blatant: once 1 heard a student proudly announce how disgusting gays are. Or it can be subtle: the upper school library has only seven books on homosexuality in the card catalog, compared to hundreds on other minority groups. We all want to feel supported and accepted, yet there is little or no information or support for the homosexual students.
Almost everyday, if you notice, you hear of some form of discrimination. Just recently a friend of my family suffered it, 1 am ashamed to say, within the Quaker community. Quakerism is built on the belief that there is that of God in everyone. Quakers, and those of us at this Friends school, should be among the pioneers in ending any discrimination. Yet, for some reason unknown to me, we allow it to continue.
The reasons given to justify the discrimination are based on myth. People think that homosexuals are all child molesters or psychopathic weirdos. Studies and reports on the subject say the opposite. They are just people. Their sexual orientation is as natural to them as heterosexuality is to others. It's just like our having no control over our skin color. We must learn to judge not by sexual orientation, but by the person inside.
When you say "faggot," or do something degrading or hurtful to homosexuals, it hurts and offends me, my family, my friends, my beliefs, my country, and yourself. It is a matter of logic, a matter of morals, a matter of heart. Discrimination cannot, must not, be tolerated.•
Carrie Thompson (age 16) is a junior at Sidwell Friends Upper School, Washington, D.C. This article was adaptedfrom her letter to the editor ofthe school newspaper.
one was for two women."
G: ""I don't know. That sounds a little too weird for me."
A: ""Oh, it wasn't that different from a heterosexual wedding. In fact, 1 liked it a lot better than some of the other weddings I've been to. They wrote their own vows and some of the other parts. It was really neat."
M:""I don't know, Abigail. Not that 1hold anything against gay people, but it sure sounds weird."
A: ""No more weird than the next person, if you make an effort to get to know them better."
I 'm really proud of what my church has done, and it has taken a lot to get to where we are. 1 tell my friends about my church and its positions. A lot of kids don't know enough about homosexuals to not like them. 1 want my friends to understand. 1 wish they all had accepting churches and communities that educate kids about some of these fundamental questions in life.•
Abigail Peterson-Finch (age 14) is a freshman at Richard Montgomery High School in Rockville, Maryland. This article reflects a conversation she had with other students in her band class.
12 Open Hands
SUNFLOWERS IN A ROSE GARDEN
byLAB,Jr.
Do you ever stop to wonder the make-up of the soil?
..
What causes the Earth to yield its majestic beauty Eons of sand., minerals., and rock; nourishing the fruit that sustain our world"s inhabitants'. But are the seeds that feed the masses planted by the knowledged
tillers of the plains? Or do the winds of the gods spray these pollens of diverse foliage. Should we stop and wonder why some seeds flourish in the most
unlikely conditions., Or do we just accept that they do., that their existence is just and right.
If we acknowledge the beauty that blooms before our eyes., do we pluck it from existence because it is not what we expect?
We should nourish the sunflower in the rose garden., for it possesses its own beauty. I t has arisen despite the odds ... and who are we not to accept its presence.
The sunflower is a new beginning., the hope of things to come; an asset ... not an annoyance., to the splendor that once reined supreme.
LAB, Jr., is a student at Howard University in Washington, D.C.
'inter 1991 13 •
Families with Lesbian/Gay Parents
,. !ly JamesFagels~n
As my daughter was talking with one of her friends the other day, she mentioned that her stepfather . was taking her shopping. ""Oh," her friend replied, ""I didn't know your mother had remarried." ""She hasn't," came the answer, ""my father has." The friend replied, ""Okay," and the conversation continued.
The number of children who have gayllesbian parents has been estimated by several sources at 6 to 10 million. Although the exact number remains unknown because such parents are often closeted, the number is significant and must be acknowledged.
Family Structure
Lesbian/gay families are structured in a variety of ways:
•
Two-adult families, in which both adults act as the parent, share the parent role, and expect the child to respond to each as the parent (for example, when children were adopted by the couple or conceived through alternative fertilization).
•
Two-adult families, in which one adult is dominant and the other acts as a ""co-parent" (for example, when the children are from a previo~s family unit of one of the adults).
•
Single-parent families with adopted, foster, or birth children.
•
Joint parenting by a gayllesbian person and an exspouse, usually of children who are the product of a heterosexual marriage.
•
Extended families, consisting of one dominant parent and unrelated friends who care for each other and are responsible for each other. Such families share the same joys, sorrows, and adventures
as other families. On the other hand, certain issues emerge that must be addressed to mainJain a stable and nurturing family environment: the process of ""coming out" to friends, discussion of family business (who does the child tell and how m~ch), dealing with schools and teachers, and handling negative social influences.
Coming Out
Coming out-that is, recognizing, acting upon, and accepting one's homosexuality-usually carries with it some apprehension. When lesbian/gay people come out, they often risk losing a friend, job, love of family, and, in the case of parents, their relationship with their children.
Less well known is the extent to which children of gay and lesbian parents also go through a comIng-out process. In coming out, young people acknowledge that they are ""different" from their friends, risk exposing family members to ridicule, risk losing the friend they tell, and/or risk subjecting themselves to ridicule or ostracism from their peer group (which can be particularly devastating for teens).
One of the parents in our group was troubled that her daughter was ""going overboard" in her use of cosmetics. The bathroom looked amd smelled like a cosmetics store. Finally, the mother confronted the daughter. ""Why all the perfumes and make-up? You are prettier when you use less." The daughter responded that she wanted to make sure her friends knew she wasn't a lesbian, because ""everyone knows lesbians don't wear make-up." Clearly, our families struggle with society's myths and stereotypes.
What the parent and child tell the outside world about the family depends on many factors: the openness of the gay and lesbian community, the degree of homophobia in the larger community, the amount of support available to both the parent and the child, and whether the parent is closeted. Should the neighbors be told? Should the minister/ rabbi be told? Should the grandparents be told?
Careful consideration should be given to these questions prior to discussing them with the teen. Frank discussions with teenagers (1) allow teens to express their ideas about how their friends would react, and (2) reveal any confusion or homophobia.
The School
Although much has been written about gay and lesbian individuals and parents, many schools and religious institutions continue to express ignorance and suspicion based on erroneous stereotypes. For example, parentteacher meetings often exclude co-parents, thus restricting their full participation in the child's education. When schools request, at the beginning of each year, a list of responsible adults who may interact with the child in the school setting, it is helpful to list both the parent and coparent and to encourage both to participate. A key person in the school is often the counselor who, if familiar with gay and lesbian families, can help the children of such families in dealing with their peers and dispelling discrimination within the educational system.
Support Organizations
Lesbian/gay parents have now established an international network of support groups that allow them openly to discuss their problems, fears, and joys-the Gay and Lesbian Parents Coalition International (GLPCI). Some GLPCI chapters have established TRUST groups (Teens Relating in Unique Situations Together) to help youths cope with their family situation. Discussions focus on ways teens can handle peer pressures, sexuality concerns, and school stresses.
Nevertheless, despite-perhaps because of-the many challenges our youth face, they are likely to develop real strength of character. Through their family experience, they learn that aU people deserve the basic right to be who they are and that discrimination based on myths and stereotyping causes pain and suffering. They learn to accept the diversity within individuals and to judge people by their actions and not by such artificial criteria as race, religion, or sexual orientation.....
James Fagelson, Jather oJtwo teenage daughters, belongs to the Gay and Lesbian Parents Coalition oJMetropolitan Washington, D.C., whose "'JRmbers collaborated on this article.
14 Open Hands
•• •• •
•••••••••••••••••
•
•
•
•
• Beyond Dichotomies
•
•
• by Ann Thompson Cook
•
Once there was a teenage boy who believed that he was sexually attracted to lawn mowers. He frequently had an erection when mowing the lawn, and one day he had an orgasm. What do you think? Was he sexually attracted to lawn mowers? Or was he simply in that pubescent state of ever-readiness and responding pleasantly to intense vibration?
What is sexual attraction after all? Or sexual orientation? As an educator, I too often find my language slipping into easy dichotomies, speaking and writing as though people were either lesbian/gay or not. Sometimes I throw in the word bisexual, but rarely with explanation. I know, however, that my own sexuality is much more complex than that, and research suggests that most people are like me:
omewhere in between the extremes.
I am not discounting that some people are unalterably heterosexual and others totally and completely homosexual. Hundreds of people have told me (and I fully believe them) that they knew with certainty at a very early age that they were attracted to people of the same gender, whether or not they could name that attraction. On the other hand, many people experience a sufficient response to both females and males to make them wonder about themselves. Yet they have few accepting, nonjudgmental words to describe their experience.
What else, besides gender,
might define sexual orientation?
Recently I was attending
a national convention with a gay colleague,
and although we are both in our mid-40s and in
longstanding, committed relationships, we enjoy
sharing our experience of who looks "good" to us. So I
was not surprised when he told me with a big grin that I
just had to see this cute guy at the reservation desk. When I went to look, I saw a young, preppy fellow, clean-shaven, every hair on his head in place, dressed in tailored clothes with a discreet splash of color, standing very tall. He was beautiful, and definitely my friend's "type," but not mine at all.
The men I point out to my friend tend to have more hair, often have beards, and are neatly but comfortably attired in fairly casual clothes (the kind one might wear on a hike in the woods). I've noticed that the women I look at twice are either lean and "bony-jawed" (to use Holly Near's expression) or athletically compact.
These and many other characteristics enter into our individual "lovemaps," a term coined by sexologist John Money, who believes that lovemaps are not present at birth but develop, like a native language, within the first few years: "[Your lovemap] depicts your idealized lover and what, as a pair, you do together.... A lovemap exists in
'Winter 1991 15
mental imagery first, in dreams and fantasies, and then may be translated into action with a partner or partners.m Note that Money is not limiting his definition to sexual behavior. Sexual orientations-Iovemaps-include dreams and fantasies that mayor may not materialize.
What would you think about sharing such ideas with children and youth? Why does it make so many people uneasy? Why is it important? I believe such sharing is important because it helps us reframe the discussion-to take a closer look at and appreciate sexual diversity, and to distinguish between feelings and behavior.
Returning to my colleague's and my playful comparisons, the fact is that I was reporting only feelings, not behavior; neither of us involved the attractive others in our ""game." Ifwe had, our behavior could be considered objectionable harassment. When I described being attracted to certain types of people, I was saying nothing about what I would do about those attractions, how I would behave, or how I should behave (all legitimate and important questions). In our game, my colleague and I enjoyed feelings that we had no wish or expectation of acting upon.
Sharing a broad view of sexuality with adolescents, then, could enable us and them to move beyond labels and to grapple instead with the really tough questions, especially the ones about right and wrong.
Take date rape, for example, a major problem that is only now beginning to receive the attention it deserves. Researchers report that many young people feel that date rape is perfectly justified in some situations. For example, they tend to agree that if a girl ""leads a boy on," she has no right to say no to intercourse, and he has every right to ""finish" what they had ""started." This point of view, of course, assumes that aroused feelings must be acted on, carried to their ""logical conclusion."
Yet, upon reflection, most teens can acknowledge that they often experience aroused feelings toward people (movie stars, for example) with whom they have no hope, intention, or possibility of behaving sexually. And once they put that myth aside-that sexual feelings automatically lead to sexual behavior-teens are usually able seriously to address the larger issues. They can consider, for example, the importance of staying in touch with what is right or wrong for oneself at any given moment; the difference between sexual and violent behavior; one's right to stop (and role in stopping) unwanted behavior; and relationship issues including respect, power, sexism, rights, and exploitation.
You will notice that, although the date rape example was stated in a heterosexual context, the personal and relationship issues transcend the gender of the partners. As a power play-an act of violence-I consider date rape wrong, whether in same-sex or other-sex relationships.
A similar confusion of feelings and behavior is reflected in a question teachers often ask me: ""How can I communicate to my students that I accept homosexual people, that they shouldn't be discriminated against ... but still let students know that it's wrong?"
What exactly is ""wrong"? Are my (or your)feelings of attraction to individual men or women wrong? Was the teenage boy wrong to become turned on by a lawn mower? Of course not. Our sexual responses are not always consciously determined. Our behavior, on the other hand, is a matter of choice. The decision of whether, when, how, and with whom to express our loving feelings can be very complex.
What, then, are the important values we want young people to consider-values that will guide them in making such complex decisions? To address that question, we must learn to distinguish between feelings and behavior and acknowledge that the dilemmas are the same for all of us: • What is it that makes me (or anyone) a person of worth?
•
How does my own unique sexuality inform the decisions I make? The way I live my life?
•
In an important relationship, what will guide me in balancing my needs and wishes with my partner's?
•
What does it mean to make a commitment to someone I love? What should slhe expect of me? What can I expect ofhimlher? When we (adults and youth together) begin to grapple
seriously with questions like these, we may begin to make a difference in whether we can sustain the intimate, long-term relationships we long for-whatever our sexual orientation....
Note
1. J. Money, Lovemaps: Clinical Concepts ofSexualJErotic Health and Pathology, Paraphilia, and Gender Transposition in Childhood, Adolescence, and Maturity (New York: Irvington P,ublishers, Inc.,
1986).
Ann Thompson Cook is founding director ofINSITE, a consortium ofmental health professionals and sexuality educators offering training and consultation to help schools and youth agencies become hospitable and safe for sexual diversity.
16 Open Hands
Resources
BOOKS
Cohen, Susan and Daniel. When Someone You Know Is Gay. New York: M. Evans, 1989. Written for teens in a down-to-earth, friendly style with compassion and wit.
Herdt, Gilbert, ed. Gay and Lesbian Youth. New York: Harrington Park Press, 1989. Compilation of articles originally printed in the Journal of Homosexuality.
Heron, Ann, ed. One Teenager in Ten: Writings by Gay and Lesbian Youth. Boston: Alyson, 1983. Essays and poems written by gay and lesbian youth in the early 1980s; particularly helpful for young people exploring a potential lesbian/ gay identity.
Schneider, M. Often Invisible: Counseling Gay and Lesbian Youth. Toronto: Central Toronto Youth Services, 1988. Overview of adolescent homosexuality and specific guidelines for counselors on handling sexual identity issues with young people.
Westheimer, Ruth, and Lieberman, Louis. Sex and Morality: Who Is Teaching Our Sex Standards? San Diego: Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, 1988. Clarifies how young people develop an understanding of sexual right and wrong. Whitlock, Kay, for the American Friends Service Committee. Bridges of Respect: Creating Support for Lesbian and Gay Youth. Philadelphia: AFSC, 1988. Provides concise overviews of several aspects of growing up lesbian or gay in a homophobic culture, suggests antidotes, and lists numerous organizational, print, and audiovisual resources.
ARTICLES AND PAMPHLETS
Bodde, Tineke. Why Is My Child Gay? Federation of Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, P.O.
" -inter 1991
Box 27605, Washington, DC 20038.
Provides verbatim responses of top
sexology researchers to questions
about the origins of homosexuality.
• Dennis, D., and Harlow, R. "Gay Youth and the Right to Education." Yale Law and Policy Review 4 (1986):446-78. Recommends rationale for ~nd strategies to gain equal educati(mal opportunities for lesbian/gay youth.
• Gonsiorek, J. "Mental Health Issues of Gay and Lesbian Adolescents." Journal ofAdolescent Health Care 9 (1988):114-22.
• Hannay, J.; Weiss, L.; and Langguth, P. Sexual Minority Youth Suicide Risks and Prevention. Youth Suicide Prevention Program, Maryland Department of Health and Mental Hygiene, 201 W. Preston St., 4th floor, Baltimore, MD 21201.
· VIDEOS
• AIDS, Not Us. Staten Island, N.Y.: HIV Center for Clinical Studies, 1990. 45 mins. Portrays the impact of the HIV epidemic within a gang of young men in New York City.
: Growing Up Gay. Toronto City TV, 1985.60 mins. Documentary on the lives of lesbian and gay youth, with several moving accounts of conflicts and reconciliations within families.
•
On Being Gay. Boston: TRB Productions, 1988. 80 mins. Noted author and lecturer Brian McNaught talks about growing up gay, gives factual information, and discusses issues for gay/lesbian Christians.
•
Sticks, Stones, and Stereotypes. Boston: Equity Institute, 1989. 20 mins. Interviews with youth and roleplays demonstrating development and human relations issues experienced by sexual minority youth. Presented simultaneously in English and Spanish.
NATIONAL ORGANIZATIONS
Campaign to End Homophobia.
P.O. Box 819, Cambridge, MA 02139. Publishes resources including a training manual for introductory workshops and brochures for youth.
Center for Population Options. 1025 Vermont Ave. NW, Suite 210, Washington, DC 20005. Collects data on HIV infection and sexually transmitted disease among youth; has resources on adolescent sexuality and health education among youth.
Hetrick Martin Institute for the Protection of Lesbian and Gay Youth. 401 West St., New York, NY 10014. Has printed educational materials on sexual identity issues suitable for youth; provides technical assistance and training to organizations interested in starting community-based gay and lesbian youth programs.
Human Rights Campaign Fund. 1012 14th St. NW, Washington, DC 20005. Coordinates advocacy/ lobbying efforts on behalf of lesbian and gay youth issues with Congress.
INSITE. 9504 Crosby Rd., Silver Spring, MD 20910. Offers training and consultation to schools and youth agencies "to promote positive sexual identities for all youth." National Lesbian and Gay Health Foundation. 1638 R St. NW, Washington, DC 20009. Sponsors an annual one-day institute on gay and lesbian youth issues. National Minority AIDS Council. 300 1St. NE, Washington, DC 20002. Has information, resources, and program models for lesbian/gay youth of color.
National Network of Runaway Youth Services. 1400 1St. NW, Suite 330, Washington, DC 20005. Acts as a data collection point and information clearinghouse on research related to sexual minority youth.
17
Surrounded
by Silence:
by lack Harrison
As one who has worked with youth in the context of the church, I write these words out of (1) a great rage created by the silence of the church toward lesbian and gay youth; (2) a profound guilt rooted in my participation in a system which continues to oppress and use these young people; and (3) my own inability to speak or act in the face of that oppression. We adults-gayllesbian and others-have a great deal to answer for when it comes to our dealings with and our mentoring of those gay and lesbian youth who are in our midst.
Gay and lesbian youth live in the context of the larger youth culture. They share its music, its language, its appearance. But most of all, they share a process of self discovery--especially the discovery of themselves as sexual beings and as beings in relationship.
For all youth in our society, these are fearful times. While their experienced reality often contains messages that sex is fun and enjoyable, they also receive a powerful message from many adults within the society: that sex is dirty, not to be spoken about, even condemned by God. This mixed message characterizes youthful confusion and creates the furtiveness which defines much adolescent sexual discovery. A world emerges where adults are not allowed, for as one youth explained, "Most adults have lost their sense of mischief and adventure ... so they usually don't approve of most things."1
In short, because of a need to be accepted by adults while maintaining their own culture, youth erect boundaries defining who is allowed in and what behavior is acceptable-boundaries that mirror the larger culture in being profoundly heterosexual.
This compulsory heterosexuality is supported and enforced-often unwittingly-by adults: When you get married... When youfind a nice boy or girl... Why aren't you dating someone now? I have watched the faces of gay and lesbian youth when adults in the church say these things, never even thinking that there might be gay and lesbian youth present. It is as though the youths' very
•
Youth In
,
Xl
e
existence has been denied and negated; they are defenseless. Having little encouragement or experience in speaking about sexual identity, they wait for those of us whom they know and respect to challenge these assumptions and model a more inclusive response. What they usually hear instead is our silence. Their faces inevitably seem to say, Will I ever be understood? Will anyone ever care to know the real me?
Gay and lesbian youth, then, fmd themselves in the midst of their own self discovery in a culture that demands heterosexuality and exacts a great price for those who do not fit the mold-the price being, too often, social isolation, poor self-esteem, family break-up, substance abuse.
An Ovenvhelming Silence
No one dares to speak of these youth in public settings. Schools teach of Walt Whitman, Michelangelo, W.H. Auden . .. but nowhere do the textbooks mention the fact that these great artists were gay. Reading the Dialogues of Plato, we find some of the most homoerotic literature written. The recent controversial art work by Robert Mapplethorpe pales by comparison! Rock stars, movie stars, athletes, and others become idols for young people, yet those who are gay dare not speak of it for fear of losing their careers and fame.
In the church-notwithstanding what appears to be a disproportionate number of gay and lesbian persons in leadership positions-pastors and youth ministers and others rarely create a space where youth can speak freely and safely of their own sexual discovery. Nor do schools, community centers, and other sources of support for youth offer information or support.
Loneliness and Isolation
Added to the silence, and often resulting from it, are loneliness and isolation. Like most persons, gay and lesbian youth believe they have never met or known another gay or lesbian person, and they cannot think of any counselor, family member, minister, or friend with whom they might safely share their feelings.
18 Open Hands
As lesbian and gay youth become more Jware of their feelings and of their unacceptability to the larger society, they become less willing to disclose these feelings to anyone. Their questions ring in my ears: Where are the other persons who are like me? One young person wrote,
It was a real revelation to discover that aU gay people were not hanging out in the rest rooms at the bus station or in the bookstores or in the parks, because that was what I thought myfuture looked like. Tofindjust one or two persons who were lawyers or doctors or in the church gave me hopefor myfuture.
The fear of disclosure and rejection often affects how gay and lesbian youth relate to their families. They believe they will bring shame to their parents and ultimately be rejected, particularly those reared in a family that holds traditional Christian understandings of homosexuality. For these reasons, youth often pull away from their families, creating an even deeper sense of loneliness and isolation.
Unlike their heterosexual peers, gay and lesbian youth are denied the opportunity to express affection or explore relationships in safe ways such as flirting, dating, or even holding hands. Most communities offer nQ opportunities to meet other gay or lesbian youth and to practice the social skills necessary to form lasting and loving relationships with others. Most sit in silence and desperation, denied their history, often cut off from their culture-while many gay and lesbian adults protect their status in sdbiety by being silent. It was this very tension that led to my decision to leave the church-based job that required me to be closeted in public settings.
I believe these youth, and their literal or spiritual deaths by the hundreds, pose the greatest challenge to those who argue that one's sexuality is private and one's decision to remain in the closet is purely personal. Whether we like it or not, the decision to make a change on this issue is always political and communal in nature, and it can greatly benefit these youth.
Winter 1991
Harassment and Discrimination
In their book, After the BaU, Marshall Kirk and Hunter Madsen point out the inaccuracy of the term homophobia. They argue that while it may be comforting to think that heterosexual persons fear gay and lesbian persons, the reality is more simple. Rather, through teachings and actions, heterosexuals as a culture hate homosexuals.2 It is this insidious hatred, not fear, that gay and lesbian youth live with and confront every day of their lives.
In 1984, in Maine a young man was attacked and drowned by teenagers who believed he was gay. Theologian Carter Heyward called attention to the Church's unmistakable role in the incident:
Charlie Howard was not thrown offthe bridge in Bangor simply because he happened to be an "effeminate" individual who had the misfortune ofrunning into some particularly homophobic boys. Charlie Howard was killed because aU-American kids are taught by church, synagogue, and state to fear and hatefags.3
Unfortunately, lesbian and gay youth learn early---'--from other~se well-meaning people of faith-to abhor what "Oscar Wilde called ""the love that dare not speak its name," even when that love is felt within oneself.
Then the voice"s started, first from this corner,
thenfrom that,from overhead, thenfrom below. Wicked. Wicked. Abomination. Man lover! Child molester! Sissy! Greyboy! Old men, little girls, widows and workers, he saw
no faces, knew no names, but the voices, the voices ... Unclean bastard! Be ashamed ofyourself! Filthy knob polisher!...
19
Homo-suck-shual! and lesbian youth clearly represent a culture in exile. As Ashamed. Be ashamed. pastoral persons, we have been graced with the opportunity Faggot! to incarnate the faithful and loving God to these youth and Sonofa __ empower them in their struggle for liberation.
He burst through thefront door and they were there, all ofthem, laughing, hooting and pointing.4
At school, at church, in social settings, youth use with impunity words they learned from us-words likefag, dyke, queer (to name only a few). Many adults stand idly by and never challenge that language. In fact, they often laugh along with it. The silence, the lack of challenge, encourage homo-hatred, which often leads to violence and, in the case of Charlie Howard and others, death.
Depression and Suicide
It is hardly surprising, given the reality that gay and lesbian youth face daily, that many of them experience feelings of depression. As the Seattle Commission on Children and Youth reported after holding hearings on the experiences of lesbian and gay youth,
Young people hear many negative messages about homosexuality ... oftenfrom parents and other trusted members ofthe community ... and often [they] accept these messages as true, [seeing] them as real descriptions ofwho they are or will become. The result is a sense ofshame, guilt, rejection, and diminished self-esteem. 5
Tragically, far too many see suicide as a path out of their anguish. In a 1986 report on suicide among gay and lesbian youth presented to the National Institute of Mental Health, Paul Gibson found that most lesbian and gay suicide attempts occur before age 20 -that gay youth are two to three times more likely to attempt suicide than are other youths. He also hypothesized that as many as 30 percent of all completed teen suicides in the United States may involve sexual identity confusion or anxiety as a contributing factor. Have we in churches examined this aspect of the teen suicide problem? Are we prepared for its implications?
The ChaUenge for Pastoral Care
No image resonates more clearly with the Christian tradition than that of a community in exile awaiting liberation through the power of a gentle and just God-and gay
Here are my specific recommendations for the church and for those within the church who work with youth:
•
Promote a safe and loving environment for gay and lesbian youth by clearly defIning that homo-hatred in language and actions is not acceptable in the Christian community.
•
Advocate and support the development of social and health services to meet the special needs of gay and lesbian youth-including, ifnecessary, providing funding and facilities for such services.
•
Provide training for church staff and members on issues facing gay and lesbian youth and their families, on their special service needs, and on effective ways to meet those needs.
•
Provide accurate, objective, and relevant information about sexual orientation in curriculum, preaching, teaching, and all other settings where people gather in the church. Finally, and perhaps most important, I believe that
lesbian and gay adults simply have to become more visible and available to these youth as models. For too long, unhealthy behavior, secrets, lies, and closetedness have been modeled to gay youth. This must stop!
An elderly Black man, speaking of his bold and visible work in the civil rights movement, describes his own intentions:
I knew I was going to lose a lot. I also knew that I would not live long enough to see the changes come. I did what I didfor those young persons coming behind me. The conspiracy ofsilence and lies had to be broken somewhere.
Gay and lesbian persons in the church-including the many gay and lesbian pastors, teachers, youth workers, and members in all churches--carry the same responsibility: to place a higher value on the lives of these youths than on their own status and acceptability. The church's responsibility, in turn, is to encourage, support, and protect lesbian and gay members in their efforts to provide effective and healthy models to our gay and lesbian youth.•
Notes
1. Glenbard East Echo, Voices ofYouth (New York: Adama Books, 1988).
2. Marshall Kirk and Hunter Madsen, After the Ball: How America Will Conquer Its Fear and Hatred ofGays in the 90s (New York: New American Library, 1990).
3.
Carter Heyward, Touching Our Strength (San Francisco: Harper and Row, 1989), p. 51.
4.
Randall Kenan, A Visitation ofSpirits (New York: Grove Press, 1989).
5.
Seattle Commission on Children and Youth, Report on Gay and Lesbian Youth in Seattle, 1988, p. 7.
Formerly executive director ofthe United Methodist National Youth Ministry Organization, lack Harrison is a law student at the University ofCincinnati Law School and serves as a consultant on issues related to youth.
20 Open Hands
WallringAlongside Youth
by Melany Burrill
A IDS, teenage pregnancy, children becoming parents, sexually transmitted diseases, sex used to sell everything from cars to toothpaste, gay bashing, gayllesbian teen suicide rates-all these are disturbing realities. As Christians, what responsibilities and/or opportunities do we have to equip young people to live in this world? How do youth view their faith, and how is it related to their sexuality? Are we willing to walk alongside them as they grow in faith as sexual persons? As we consider these questions, we need to examine how and where spirituality and sexuality interface for teens and what can be done to encourage growth of a more healthy interrelationship between the two.
Youth View Spirituality
A beginning point might be to ask, "What is spirituality and how is it viewed by youth?" Spirituality is an "in" word in church jargon these days. To me, spirituality refers to a person's relationship not just to God but also to himJherself and other people. It includes beliefs about people and their purpose and role in this world and the way people understand God acting in their lives and in the world.
From my experience as a Christian educator in a suburban United Methodist Church, youth in the junior high age group (ages 12 to 14) have limited views of God. Their reflections on God indicate that many of them are not yet into abstract thinking. Although they may have some ideas about who God is and how God relates to them, a broader sense of spirituality is nonexistent. They see God as a judge, and their job is to not get caught breaking church rules. It is a narrow and compartmentalized view in which God is talked about in Sunday school but not really related to all of life. Junior high youth tend to parrot behavioral expectations heard from parents and teachers rather than integrate those behaviors into their lives.
Senior high youth (ages 14 to 18) may have a more developed sense of spirituality. Thinking abstractly is easier for older youth, and many of them have spent time contemplating God. Many have a growing relationship with God and are asking difficult questions concerning God's relationship to the problems of life. Nevertheless, senior high youth still seem to equate spirituality with church. They see the church as setting forth a set of rules defining right and wrong. To be a spiritual person is to live by those rules.
Questions Youth Ask
The types of questions youth ask during church sexuality education weekends reveal much about the connections they see between sexuality and spirituality. Early teens ask very few of what I call "God questions." These youth are curious about the biology of sexuality and the social rules of relating to one another, but the religious perspective is noticeably absent. When I raise issues of personal stewardship of God's gift of our sexuality, they are open to the ideas but do not offer many of their own thoughts. It seems a foreign idea to relate sexuality and God. Their compartmentalized view of life is evident.
,"inter 1991 21
Late teens, however, are beginning to see things differently. They do ask ""God questions." Sometimes they want to know what God thinks about premarital intercourse or homosexuality. But more often their concern is with what the church says about these two issues and whether certain sexual activities are ""right" or ""wrong." Using a legalistic mindset, youth check out their beliefs or behaviors to see if they are in synchrony with the ""religious view" or what they ""should" be doing or thinking. Senior high youth do see a relationship between their sexuality, and their spirituality but that relationship consists of their ideas and behavior being judged.
The Church's Response
When teens grapple with issues of sexuality church people usually respond in three ways. First, they quickly define right and wrong (sometimes using biblical passages as proof). Second, they give ready answers (often in obscure terms). And third, they list numerous rules for sexual behavior. Each of these responses is said to be ""very clear" (even though the ones giving the answers may not have seen things nearly so clearly in their youth and young adulthood!). As real human beings with our own discomforts with issues of sexuality and our own fears for the well-being and indeed the very lives of young people today, the temptation for those of us who are adults to respond in these ways is strong. Nevertheless, we need to stretch ourselves and offer young people more than rules and pat answers.
Our ChaUenge
As church people concerned with youth and their sexual and spiritual development, we are challenged to respond in new ways. What follows are some key ways that we can nurture the integration of young people's sexuality and spirituality.
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Help them develop their critical thinking skills. Giving pat answers does nothing to help people learn to think and make wise decisions for themselves. Teaching decisionmaking skills does just that. None of us can be with young people every moment of their lives to make their decisions for them. But we can help them develop skills to critically think through those situations.
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Help youth to see their own prejudices and to push their own limits ofjudgmental thinking. I have often seen youth be cruel to others they perceive as different-shorter, smarter, less talented, more talented, possibly gay or lesbian, the list goes on. We need to accept youth as they are and affirm them as individuals, and then help them do the same with each other. Youths' cruelty can stem from their own feelings of differentness and inadequacy. We need to help youth see that their attitudes towards others need to be ones of acceptance, not judgment. We have a responsibility to treat others with kindness and mercy-especially those whom we perceive as different! We can provide a prophetic witness to young people in our lives by the way we treat them, by the way we treat others, and the way we call them to treat others.
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Provide youth with tools and resources such as adequate and complete sexuality education and opportunities for open communication and dialogue concerning sexuality and spirituality. Being willing to discuss issues instead of avoiding them makes a strong statement. We have a responsibility to see that youth are provided facts as well as values, communication skills, and faith resources so they
can grow in their spirituality and their understandings of their sexuality. We need to quit assuming that kids will pick up our values and beliefs (and thereby behaviors) by osmosis. We consciously and conscientiously should generate opportunities for encouraging the spiritual and sexual growth and development of ""our" young people. (When I speak of our young people I am not just speaking to parents. Any young people in the community of faith belong to and are the responsibility of the entire community of faith!) We need to talk about intimacy, love, sexual intercourse, sexual orientation, physical expressions of intimacy besides intercourse, relationships, self-esteem, decision making and how our faith informs that process, among other topics.
• Provide an environment ofsupport. Too often in church settings we avoid difficult issues hoping they will go away. Young people should be openly supported as they struggle with the difficult issues of growing up. Offering many of the opportunities mentioned above will help youth feel that they are supported by the community of faith. This environment of support needs to include significant relationships with adults other than youths' parents. Youth can use the support and wisdom provided by adults and can often listen better to adults that are not their parents. As adults, we can provide a faithful witness to youth if we allow ourselves to get real with youth. They can see through our examples what have been good choices, what are some pitfalls in life, and what issues we still struggle with.
We have awesome tasks before us. We can offer much to youth as they grow into adulthood, but we need to take those tasks seriously. We need to come to grips with our own spirituality and sexuality and look at how they interface for us. Then we need to walk alongside youth as they discern these interfaces for themselves. With such vital life issues as sexuality and spirituality facing our young people, how can we do less?'"
Melany Burrill has a master's degree in religious education from Wesley Theological Seminary and is a Christian educator in Burke, Virginia. She has led more than 20 sexuality education weekend workshops within churches over the last nine years, reaching more than 350 youth and their parents.
Open Hands 22
Rep
Report ~
New Reconciling Congregations
We welcome two new Reconciling Congregations who joined the program in the fall of 1990. Both of these congregations are in the Northern Illinois Conference, making a total of 9 in that conference and 48 across the country.
Parish of the Holy Covenant
The Parish of the Holy Covenant is a landmark in Chicago, affectionately known as "the church with the mural," by riders on the "el" line. An award-winning mural, "For a New World," was created on the west wall of the church building in 1973 by artists John Weber and Oscar Martinez.
The Parish dates from 1894 in the Lincoln ParklLakeview neighborhood of Chicago. The congregation was active in the civil rights movement of the 1960s and women's rights in the 1970s. A core group has spent the last decade working on J apaneseAmerican redress from World War II internment, which culminated in their names appearing on the Supreme Court case decided.in 1989.
In the 1980s, the congregation declined to 10 to 12 members. It has recently begun a redevelopment project to build its membership among the younger professionals now living in the neighborhood. The RC statement attracted several new members, and now worship attendance averages over 30 persons. The congregation is about to embark on a major building renovation project.
Winfield UMC
Winfield UMC is a small congregation seeking to maintain a progressive UMC presence in conservative DuPage County, 27 miles west of Chicago. Founded over 30 years ago, Winfield now has about 20 active members, most of whom are younger adults with children.
Winfield has a history of involvement on issues of inclusiveness, havin!!: held forums on racism and
inter l Central American concerns. Making the church school curriculum inclusive in terms of images, language, and relationships has been a special project.
Interested in exploring the Reconciling Congregation Program, Winfield sent a member to the RC convocation in February 1990. Following a six-week study session, a resolution to become a Reconciling Congregation was approved by the congregation on November 4, 1990. The process of becoming a Reconciling Congregation provided a special opportunity for dialogue for church members regarding their families and their experiences.
UMC Annual Conferences Approaching
The 1991 sessions of the 73 United Methodist annual conferences in the United States coming up in May and June are of particular importance. It is at these sessions that the delegates to the quadrennial General Conference of 1992 will be elected and petitions and resolutions to that policy-making body will be approved. Among other business, the 1992 General Conference will receive the report and any recommendations from the UMC Study Committee on Homosexuality.
Here are ideas of what you can do this winter and spring to prepare for your 1991 annual conference:
1) Have your local church propose a resolution to your annual conferencefor the 1992 General Conference. Talk with your pastor, your RC Committee, other RCs in your conference, and the local MFSA chapter to coordinate the submission of resolutions or legislation supporting inclusive ministries. Check with your conference office on the deadline and proper procedures for submitting any petitions. ' Ifyou have questions or need assistance, contact the RCP office.
2) Identify candidatesfor General Conference delegates who are supportive oflesbian/gay ministries.
Talk with your pastor or conference lay member to help determine prospective delegates. Contact these persons about your concern for reconciling ministries with lesbians and gay men. Help supportive candidates get their name before other churches and fellow conference members.
3) Plan to display RCP resources at your annual conference session. Contact your conference office to find the process for securing display space at the conference session. You should also contact other RCs in your conference to coordinate efforts. Contact the RCP office several weeksin advance to arrange to have display materials shipped to you.
The RCP Board will be sending information about General Conference to Reconciling Congregations this spring. Ifyou are not a member of an RC and would like to receive this information, contact the RCP office at 202/863-1586.
Future Issues of Open Hands
Here is a list of themes of upcoming issues of Open Hands:
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Lesbian Concerns (Summer '91)
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Sexual Diversity (Fall '91)
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Why Nongay Persons Support the Lesbian/Gay Movement (Winter '92)
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Ministry/Ordination (Spring '92)
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Inclusiveness of Other Minorities (Summer '92)
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Spirituality & Sexuality (Fall '92)
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Age-related Concerns (Winter '93)
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Saints of the Reconciling Movement (Spring '93)
Ifyou are interested in helping plan the content or writing for any of these issues, contact the RCP office.
23
Letters
Out of the Woods
Many thanks for sending the back issues. I've enjoyed "catching up" as it were. All the issues [of Open Hands] are so meaningful, especially when you consider living in this small town of 1,000 souls.
Mter spending all my life (54 years) here and in another small town nearby as a high school guidance counselor, a two-year retirement, and "finding myself," I'm in the process of moving to Atlanta. Knowing that Grant Park-Aldersgate UMC [a Reconciling Congregation in Atlanta] exists poses a wonderful opportunity for me.
I am so thankful and appreciative for what you and my fellow gay Christian people are so involved and so committed to doing. The inclusiveness of all has to be our goal for this age. Know how meaningful your efforts are to one subscriber out here!
-Cranford Sutton
Willacoochee, Georgia
· Taking a Stand
The enclosed check for the : Reconciling Congregation Project
•
needs a brief explanation. Recently
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the "homestead" of my fathers'
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family (all of whom have died) was
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sold. The inheritance should have
•
gone to my mother and us five : siblings. My mother refused her
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share, saying she didn't need it, but
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requested that each of us five
•
children give to her local Methodist
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Church building fund (the church I
•
grew up in). I was clear that I : couldn't conscientiously help
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Methodism until it stopped discrimi•
nating against my gay brothers and
•
sisters. I announced my decision to
•
make a donation to the part of
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Methodism I believe in-Kinheart (a : locallesbianlwomen's program in
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Evanston, Illinois) and the Reconcil•
ing Congregation Program.... My
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point is that, after criticizing main•
stream Methodism, I decided to do
Reconciling Congregations
• something about what I find wrong in
: Methodism. My best wishes in your effort to
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have "92 by '9211-and in the contin•
ued reconciling ministry you are
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doing.
-Dave Matteson Crete, Illinois
[A special thanks to Dave and the
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many otherfriends who have sent
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gifts in response to our "92 in '92"
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appeal. MLB.]
Send your letters and comments to
•
share with other readers to Open : Hands, P.O. Box 23636, Washington,
•
D.C. 20026.
ARIZONA
Tucson
St. Francisin the Foothils
CALIFORNIA
Albany
AlbanyUMC
Berkel€y
Trinity UMC
Fresno
Wesley UMC
Los Angeles United University Wilshire UMC
Milpitas
Sunnyhills UMC
San Francisco
BethanyUMC
CalvaryUMC
Hamilton UMC
Trinity UMC
Santa Monica
Church in Ocean Park
Vacaville
St. Paul's UMC
West Hollywood
Crescent Heights UMC
COLORADO
Denver
St. Paul's UMC DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA
Washington
Christ UMC
Dumbarton UMC
GEORGIA
Atlanta
Grant Park-Aldersgate UMC
ILLINOIS
Chicago
Albany Park UMC Irving Park UMC Parish of the Holy Covenant United Church of Rogers Park
DeKalb
University UMC
Evanston
He'C1 enway UMC
Wheadon UMC
Oak Park
Euclid Avenue UMC
Winfield
Winfield UMC
KANSAS
Mission
ecumenikos
LOUISIANA
New Orleans
St. Mark's UMC MARYLAND
Baltimore
St. John's UMC
MINNESOTA
Minneapolis
Prospect Park UMC
Walker Community UMC Wesley UMC
MISSOURI
Kansas City
Kairos UMC
NEW YORK
Brooklyn
Park Slope UMC
New York Metropolitan-Duane UMC Washington Square UMC
Oneonta
First UMC
OHIO
Toledo
Central UMC
OREGON
Estacada
Estacada UMC
Portland
Metanoia Peace Community
PENNSYLVANIA
Philadelphia
Calvary UMC
First UMC of Germantown
TENNESSEE
Nashville
Edgehill UMC
WASHINGTON
Seattle
Capitol Hill UMC
Wallingford UMC
WISCONSIN
Madison
University UMC
Sheboygan
Wesley UMC
RECONCILING CONFERENCES
California-Nevada New York Northern Illinois Troy
RECONCILING COMMISSION
General Commission on Christian Unity and Interreligious Concerns
RECONCILING ORGANIZATION
Methodist Federation for Social Action
Open Hands 24