Open Hands Vol 8 No 4 - Rethinking Family Values

Open Hands Vol 8 No 4 - Rethinking Family Values

8

4

1993

Spring

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RETHINKING
FAMILY VALUES
Open Hands is a resource for congregations and individuals seeking to be in ministry with lesbian, bisexual, and gay persons. Each issue focuses on a specific area of concern within the church.
Open Hands is published quarterly by the Reconciling Congregation Program, Inc. (United Methodist) in conjunction with More Light Churches Network (Presbyterian), Open and Affirming (United Church of Christ), and Reconciled in Christ (Lutheran) Programs. Each of these programs is a national network of local churches that publicly affirm their ministry with the whole family of God and welcome lesbian and gay persons and their families into their community of faith. These four programs -along with Open and Affirming (Disciples of Christ), Welcoming (Unitarian Universalist), Supportive Congregations (Brethren/ Mennonite), and Welcoming and Affirming (American Baptist) programs -offer hope that the church can be a reconciled community.
Open Hands is published quarterly. Subscription is $16 for four issues ($20 outside the U.s.). Single copies and back issues are $5. Quantities of 10 or more, $3 each. Subscriptions, letters to the editor, manuscripts, requests for advertising rates, and other correspondence should be sent to:
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Resources Jar Ministries Affirming the Diversity oj Human Sexuality
Spring 1993
IN THE STRUGGLE
Beyond Idolatry of Family to Participation in the Household of God ...... 4
Janet Fishburn
Church as Family: Dangerous or Helpful? ...................................... Virginia
Ramey Mollenkott
Traditional Family Values ......................................................................... 8
John E. Griffin
Biblical Family Values: A Liberal View .................................................... 10
Erwin Barron
The Inclusive Church: A Biblical Value ................................................... 11
Ignacio Castuera
The American Family: A Destructive Myth for Gay and Lesbian Teens ...... 12
David E. Deppe
YOUTH SPEAK OUT
Danielle, Mario, and Cornell: Reflections on Family and Values ........... 13
Bert Garner
Open-Minded Attitudes: A Family Value ................................................. 14
Kevin Poole
VOICES OF FAMILIES
On aJourney Toward Self-Naming .......................................................... 15
Margarita Suarez
Raising Children with Inclusive Values ................................................... 16
Anne Broyles
What Makes a Family? .......................................... .................................. 18
Vince Benebese, Mike Underhill, & Nadia Underhill
Gay and Lesbian Parenting: Healthy Traits ............................................. 20
Nancy Freyberg
A Family Orientation ...................................... ......................................... 21 Malcolm C. Bertram, Jr.
The Rainbow Curriculum Controversy ................................................... 22
Beth Bentley
VOICES OF THE CHURCH
Baptizing Andrew: A Tale of Two Churches ............................................ 23
Karin Abbey
Same-Sex Unions: Perspectives from a Clergy Ally ........................ ......... 24
Sid Hall
When Family Values and Institutional Values Collide ........................... 25
Jeremy Landau
SUSTAINING THE SPIRIT
A Liturgy for the ContinuingJoumey ..................................................... 26
Arlene Specht
RESOURCES ..................................................................................................... 27
MOVEMENT NEWS ......................................................................................... 28
2 Open Hands
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Rethinking Family Values
"Family values" is a "hot topic," as one of our writers says in this issue. Politically and religiously, questions about what constitutes a "family" and "family values" are of major interest and critical importance to many of us. The question of whether or not our society and our churches will be inclusive of gay, lesbian, and bisexual families in their concept of family is part of the controversy, but the issue is broader than that. Looking at the roots of the struggle, we begin to ask questions about why the heterosexual couple with children has been so idolized and how healthy or destructive is that model. When we explore models of families in the Bible, we begin to examine the values reflected there. And do we really want to place so much value on the biological family anyway? Or, should we be more focused on the household of God and its work of justice?
I invite you to join the writers and artists of this issue in "rethinking family values." Don't miss the new "Youth Speak Out" section, which highlights the thoughts of Danielle, Mario, Cornell, and Kevin. A fifth teen, Nadia, writes about "What Makes a Family?"
-Mary Jo Osterman, Editor
Issue
Year XA Focus ,Fall Counteracting the Religious Right
Winter i994 Worship Resources for our t\ugll,~t '15, lQ93 Ministries Nove1J,1~~r 15) 1993
dhng for one of these issues, p1~~~e''Senda artide idea. Writer's gUidelines are
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Spring 1993
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Participation in the Household of God' Janet Fishburn
It will be impossible for congregations to be inclusive of traditional and non-traditional families unless and until those who lead and those who participate in congregations recognize that it is the church -and not a biological family unit -that is the first family of all baptized Christians. That recognition will not come until we all become more aware of how we have connected a Victorian view of the family and "the American Dream" with the Christian faith. Faithful participation in the household of God will not come until we recognize that we have come to idolize one form of family -and take steps to move beyond it.
The American Dream and the American Family
In the Victorian era (1830-1913) many Protestants believed that God had chosen the United States -the New Israel -to be the vehicle through which the whole world would be transformed into God's realm on earth. Church and political leaders -liberal and conservative alike -talked of "Christianizing the world in our lifetime." Certainly the expectation was of a fully Christianized America -and it would happen through the family. The church's major role was to support the family.
Colleen McDannell describes this view of Christianity as it functioned for Protestants during the Victorian era:
"Protestants, through domestic rituals, attempted to create a concept of "Christianity" which would link them together under orre common moral canopy. The evangelical vision hoped to counter the trend toward pluralism in America with the idea of a unified "Christian" nation. Domestic Protestantism, which asserted the values of hard work, purity, individual morality, and patriotism, was the foundation of
4
this vision. The values of the home
stood as eternal truths, whereas
denominational theologies appeared
splintered and irrelevant.
Family religion arose as a means
of returning to "simple Bible
truths" which made good citizens."
2
Historian Robert T. Handy has noted that ever since the Victorian period Protestants have confused this civil religion with Christian faith. 3 For, although the Victorian era is long over, Protestant Christianity in the United States is still influenced by that Victorian worldview which emerged prior to the Civil War. Many Protestants in the United States are not yet aware of how much that worldview affects our understanding of the family and the changes it has been undergoing in the twentieth century. Our theologies, ministries, and traditions -and our views of sexuality, family and church -are still based in a pre-Civil War, Victorian view of family.
The Victorian View ofFamily
I n the Victorian era a stable, intact family unit was considered essential to national prosperity and to moral progress. The assumption was that all persons would marry and produce children. Single adults had very little place or status in the Victorian world.
The Victorian viewpoint also assumed that "the Christian home" was the first and mojor place where children learned to be Christian -"at their mother's breast." Worship in the home was essential; "the family table" was as important as "the Lord's table." Finally, strict and separate roles for men and for women were regarded as God-given and necessary to support the primacy of family life.
The American family was believed to be the building block of the nation, the very foundation of all Christian civilization. Any change in roles assigned to men and women was seen as a threat to family stability, to the future of the American Dream, and to the future of God's whole creation.
The Continued Influence of the Victorian View
The above description of "the Victorian view of family" was the worldview of the dominant Protestants who shaped and named the ideals, values, and moral/legal codes of Americans in the nineteenth century. A "worldview" refers to the way people think about themselves, other people, their religion, their country. A "worldview" orients people in their own life experience; it is a way of thinking about "the world."
The Victorian worldview established ideals about family life, sexuality, and gender. The source of the ideals is in some sense biblical: but, as Handy points out, biblical themes are suffused with civil religion. "The American Dream" of the Victorian worldview is an odd combination of selected biblical themes, democratic ideals, and capitalism.
Early in the twentieth century the moral code of the Victorian era became unworkable and a gradual cultura. transformation began from a Victorian to a modern worldview. The newly emerging worldview acknowledge growing pluralism and diversity ir. America.
However, in the period followinOJ World War II, with a strong econom, and relative security of the white middleclass, the Victorian wOrldview reemerged. Americans today who came of age in that first decade follOWing the war remain deeply shaped by the va ues and moral commitments of the American Dream which includes the Victorian view of family. Many still carr: a vision of the time when American were good citizens who went to churc~
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when fathers went to work every day, when mothers stayed home and took care of the children, and when children obeyed their parents.
They yearn to return to that postWorld War II time and way of life where everyone seemed to share the same dream of good citizenship, family life, and the American mission of Christianizing the world. They yearn for the sense of well-being brought about when the rhythms of life were ordered from week to week as family members gathered for worship. They also yearn for the stability of a way of life based on the separate-but-equal approach to the private work world of women and the public work world of men which had been taken for granted for about 130 years, from 1830 until approximately 1960 (with what they saw as minor, necessary excursions of women into the workforce during the war years). Finally, they still believe that intact, nuclear family units and Victorian family values are essential to national prosperity and moral progress.
The 1960s Challenge to Victorian Family Values
The freedom movements of the 1960s posed a direct challenge to the Victorian-based, American way of life so clearly articulated during the post-war 1950s. The loyalties of generations of church-going Americans were called into question as the civil rights movement became an anti-war movement and then a war on poverty. Previously unquestioned assumptions were challenged as demonstrators took to the streets and to the barricades on behalf of an array of freedoms -race, religion, sex, age, and conscience. Nothing less than a cultural transition was under way, with protests led by the disenfranchised: the young, the AfroAmerican, the poor, the aged, women, and finally (with the Stonewall Rebellion of 1969) gays and lesbians.
Most persons born after 1960 do not carry the old Victorian-based family ideals or the American Dream of Christianizing the world . What may have seemed in the 1960s to be a sudden shift in national moral values really was a re-emergence of changes that began early in the twentieth century as
Spring 1993
the moral code of the Victorian era became unworkable . In truth it was the decade of the 1950s, with its renewed family idealism and uncritical patriotism, which was discontinuous with the rest of the twentieth century America and its gradual cultural transformation from a Victorian worldview to a modern and post-modern worldview.
The 1990s
Change has clearly occurred. The American family of the 1990s is no longer what it was in the Victorian era -or what it was in the Victorianinfluenced decade after World War II. The statistical profile of all household units in the United States establishes the fact that the nuclear family is no longer the normative family unit. Married couples with a child or children under eighteen are a rapidly shrinking minority of the u.s. population. By 1991, this once typical family profile represented only 25.9 percent of all household units, down from 40.3 percent in 1970. (See chart) In addition, the 1991 census shows that half of all marriages end in divorce; births to single mothers now make up one-quarter of total births; and one in four Americans over eighteen have never married.4
The Conservative Church Responds
As long as the Victorian image of family was not questioned, support for "Christian family values" provided moral purpose to the church and a clear role for its leaders who perpetu5
ated the American Dream by teaching and reinforcing the ideals of "the Christian home" and "Christian citizenship."
When the changing family became an undeniable reality in the 1960s, the once normative family ethos of the Victorian era began to disintegrate and distinctive conservative and liberal traditions emerged as responses to the transformation that was underway.
Conservative Protestants in th e United States in the 1960s believed deeply in the Victorian worldview of a traditional Christian family; a Christian America, and a Christian world. In the 1990s their churches attract members and are growing because they still support the Victorian-based "American way of life." To participate in the life of many conservative congregations today is to experience life as it appeared in the post-war period of the 1950s.
In general, conservative congregations are devoted to saving souls one by one. Just as the Victorian home was considered "a haven from a heartless world," so the conservative church today offers safety to its members from a dangerous, immoral world.
As individuals, groups, families, and churches seek to counter the twentieth century transformation from a Victorian to a modern worldview, they face a danger that their focus on the family has become an obsession, an obsession bordering on idolatry of a particular concept of the Christian family. Such idolatry; when it happens, is a tragically mis-directed form of religious devotion which involves a preference for the familiar over the unknown, the local over the universal, and which treats the familiar and local as if they were absolute. When Christians direct reverence toward love of family without acknowledging the source of that love, they may imagine they are expressing reverence for Christ when they are, in fact, engaging in idolatry.s
The Liberal Church Responds
It may seem obvious that values of a Victorian worldview still set the agenda for conservative congregations in the 1990s. What may not be so obvious is how Victorian values also retain considerable power in shaping the agendas of liberal congregations. For example, the power of the Victorian worldview is invoked whenever churches focus on baptism and confirmation as their major source of new members. The Victorian worldview is invoked whenever single adult ministries reflect the assumption that everyone should and will marry. The Victorian worldview is being used whenever the family unit is promoted as the primary source of Christian faith while the congregation is regarded as important primarily because it serves to ritualize "family-related" events . . . baptisms, youth confirmations, weddings and funerals. The Victorian worldview is invoked whenever liberal congregations continue to revolve around the needs of the family unit.
In summary; both the conservative congregation (engaged in preserving the past) and the liberal congregation (engaged in adapting to the present as it attempts to respond to the reality of the changing family) implicitly support the same goal: to create a growing congregation alive with activity much as it did in the decade following World War
II. Both strategies fall back on a Victorian view of an ideal family. Both perpetuate a possible idolatry of family at the expense of Christian faith.
Beyond Idolatry to a More Biblical Vision
The biblical vision of Christian faith is not synonymous with the nineteenth century Victorian view of family. Loyalty of Christians today to the vision of a nineteenth century view of family is a tragic misunderstanding of Christian values and attitudes. While love of family members and of spouse can be an expression of love to God, the overemphasis of faith in the Jamily to solve our current social problems is idolatrous.
Where a domesticated piety dominates the commitments of a denomination, the conservation of middle-class ideals can blind both leaders and people to the prominent concern for social justice found in the Bible. On the other hand, even when leaders are committed to seeking social justice, they have not been able to sustain a legitimate critique of poverty and injustice because the family ideals of the American Dream continue to be linked to democratic values and economic stability. Uncritical loyalty to the Victorian ideal of family makes it very difficult to see or comprehend the plight of the poor and the homeless, the oppression of minority persons, as anything but their own fault. It requires courage for any pastor of an old-line congregation to preach prophetically. To ask middleclass Americans to see American cultun~ as Jesus would see it is to ask them to vote against their own privileged position in society.
While love offamily members and ofspouse can be an expression oflove to God, the overemphasis of faith in the family to solve our current sodal problems is idolatrous.
According to the Bible, idolatry means the granting of ultimate loyalty to any group or object other than the covenant God ofIsrael andJesus Chris' Many Protestants in the United State are so deeply imbued with a subtle mixture of love of country; family, an God that it is difficult to recognize th'l' they may be worshipping false gods "family;" "patriotism," and middle-cla economic prosperity. We must begin t name the extent to which the curre focus on traditional families and t hope that God will bless them seerr, more like a form of Old Testament trib religion than the post-Pentecost faith Christians who "turned the world u side down."
This reminds me of the scribe w was commended by Jesus because understood that to love God and nei bor above all else "is much more imF tant than all burnt oJJerings and sa -
Jices" (Mark 12:33). Jesus was also qL
clear that those who loved family m
than they loved him would not
among his followers (Matt. 10:34-3
The current uncritical emphaSiS
"family values" is an American fom:
the ancient Hebrew tendency tm ....a
preoccupation with burnt offerings and
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ritual sacrifices.
In another passage,jesus talks about the last being first and the first being ast. The last who will be first are those who have little social or spiritual staus -women, children, and eunuchs. The first who will be last are the rich men
with social and religious status. ~~latt. 19:25). When the astonished disciples ask him, "Who then can be saved?" Jesus' response was radical:
Everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters orfather or mother or children or fields, for my name's sake, will receive a hundredfold, and will inherit eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last will be first ." (Matt. 19:29-30)
Loving family members or family 'ife or a certain form of family more han one loves God is idolatrous -an "dolatry which makes it hard to follow the way of Jesus" which often offers harsh critique of traditional family vales.
The Household ofGod
he biblical expectation is that the
power of "the love of Christ" is
mown through participation in "the household of God." The good life, the peace and well-being of God's blessing, is given to a Christian community through its covenant relationship with God, not through its focus on the family. God's blessing can also be experienced in the family relationships of Christians; but the Christian home is not the source of blessing.
Protestants are currently adrift in a sea of theological pluralism, responding inadequately to changes in sexual practices and family structure. Neither the efforts of conservatives to retain a Victorian family ethic in the name of Christ, nor the faddish "politically correct" adaptations of liberals to a cultural transition, capture the essence of the gospel.
Membership in the household of God presupposes a common faith in Jesus as Lord. Membership in a family may presuppose little more in common than biological kinship. People can become Christian through participation In a congregation of Christians whether they were born into a Christian family or not. Only the church is essential to
Spring 1993
the Christian life.
If Jesus gave status in his day to persons who do not procreate, on what grounds do churches today treat modern eunuchs -single people, homosexuals, and childless couples -lik e outcasts? It is the uncritical belief in one specific form of family rooted a Victorian worldview which leads us to such unjust actions.
As the Body of Christ in the world, each generation in the church has the potential to learn anew what it means to live in love of God and neighbor. To do so will mean casting aside the Victorian worldview with its connections to the American Dream. To do so will mean engaging in a holistic spirituality and a prophetic ministry of social justice. Only then will the church truly begin to live the gospel of Jesus Christ, acting on the recognition that full membership in the household of God is not dependent on gender, sexual orientation, or birth into a particular kind of family. ....
lAdapted from Janet Fishburn, Confronting the Idolatry ofthe Family: A New Vision for the Household of God (Nashville: Abingdon Press, 1991). Used with permiSSion.
2Colleen McDannell, The Christian Home in Victorian America, 1840-1900 (Bloomington, Indiana University Press, 1986), p. 106; as quoted in Fishburn, p. 23.
3Robert T. Handy, A Christian America: Protestant Hopes and Historical Realities (New York: Oxford University Press, 1971), esp. pp. 214-21, quoted in Fishburn, p. 12. See also Fishburn, p. 28fJ
4Census Bureau Statistics; taken from The New York Times, Section 4, p. 2, AUG. 23, 1992.
5Fishburn, p. 107; citing Parker J. Palmer, To Know As We Are Known (New York: Harper & Row, 1983), p. 110, as reference.
Janet Forsythe Fishburn is Professor of Teaching Ministry and American Church History, The Theological School and The Gradua te School, Drew University, Madison,
New Jersey. She is an ordained Presbyterian minister (Newton Presbytery) and a regular participant of Monistown United Methodist Church.
7
a
long list of
fl~l~f~I[Il[fiI[L
~~Lrrm~[L~ \v~[LMI~
by John E. Griffin
I wanted to interview Lou Sheldon at Traditional Values Coalition CTVC) in order to do as neutral and factual a description as I could of their view of Christian family values. In a phone conversation with Beverly Sheldon I asked for an interview. Unfortunately, I spent the rest of the phone conversation responding to questions aimed at finding out where I stood on the issues of homosexuality and abortion and also to discover what population would be reading this article. When I refused to answer her questions, but maintained that I only wanted to write an article on their position, she became more aggressive, asking "Are you gay?" and "Are you supportive of homosexuals7" I found that she was completely unwilling to discuss anything unless I would say that I agreed with their position. I got, not an interview, but the promise of literature which would help me understand their views. The literature never arrived.
Sensing that I would not receive any material, I asked a friend to go "undercover" to obtain literature. My friend explained to TVC on the phone how she feared her son was gay and needed gUidance. The next day she received a packet of brochures and several newsmagazines and flyers. It was only from this information that I was able to write this article.
Some ten years ago, the Reverend Lou Sheldon created a grassroots organization named Traditional Values Coalition, with the monumental task of preserving America's traditional family values. Sheldon, a graduate from Princeton Theological Seminary and a local pastor for more than twenty-five years, saw then and continues to see (especially now with the Clinton administration) a "moral disaster" occurring in America in regard to the family.
The Christian family is defined by Sheldon's organization as a heterosexual couple who remain in a committed lifelong relationship in which children are raised to follow the same pattern. The Christian family is a sacred institution, having been established and blessed by God. "When God saw man's aloneness, He created woman from man and blessed their union, telling them to bear children and care for the earth together," writes Sheldon in one of his recent mailings.
However, according to TVC this tr ditional model of the family has und gone a series of severe attacks. Attac·· have come from the "once patriot. news media which now supports ab tionists, feminists, homosexual mo' ments, and leftist special interest grou Attacks have come from the televis· and film industry which "promote· and violence and from primetl sitcoms which mock "real-life minis ~ who dare to speak out against the t of corruption." Attacks have also co
8 Open Hands
L
he classroom where TVC sees that udren are "invited" into pre-marital xual activity and put at risk of AIDS
ough the distribution of condoms.
I read the TVC newsletters, it me clear that TVC sees the goal of e "liberal attacks" on the Christian mlly as twofold: 1) to present a wide ectlOn of alternative values and les to society, especially the chiland youth; and 2) to eliminate rough the use of "Separation of urch &: State" rulings) the voice of e ·,·ho hold faithfully to one speand biblically-based vision of the nSlian family. The underlying fear of Traditional Values Coalition is that once Christian nation may very
n be unlivable for the faithful.
heldon's group strongly believes "action begins with education." ese words form a slogan which aprs on a number of their brochures. ough education TVC believes that ople can be mobilized against the of the society, learn about "mili. liberal" issues and causes, and learn .0 mitiate letter writing and phone callcampaigns to state and national resentatives to pressure for support
-:\'C's agenda. is also clear, however, that educamust be selective, because it is
ugh exposure to liberal ideas that ..dren grow up accepting homosexulit:· as a viable lifestyle, abortion as a eans of birth control] and pornogra/ and violence as entertainment, as ell as being influenced by feminism nd divorce. For TVC, these are all earned behaviors which they seek to
change.
One of the central concerns of the Christian family in TVC's mind is the --ue of homosexuality. Sheldon spends great amount of energy educating Christians and the California state leg3ture that homosexuality is a learned eha\ior. One example of their educao~al approach can be seen in his -smagazine (Traditional Values Rerr' in an article by Joe Dallas from Exodus International (a ministry dedied to offering homosexuals God's slOrati\'e power to become heteroal). Dallas argues that if a boy is
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raised by a father who adores him, spends time with him, and provides well for his family, but then through circumstances beyond the father's control (and which the boy is too young to understand), the father must take a second job which keeps him away from home, all the boy knows is that Dad is gone, and he takes that as a personal rejection. (The same example is given from the perspective of a daughter and a mother.) In both cases, Dallas argues, the children feel rejected and in their adult life seek out a person of the same sex to fill a void from their childhood.
From TVC's perspective, liberals have attempted to force the homosexual agenda out into the mainstream of society, as illustrated by President Clinton's move to lift the ban on homosexuals in the military. Once the military is forced to accept avowed homosexuals, then TVC foresees that liberals will make similar demands of the rest of society, including the church. Sheldon knows that this frightening reality is close. In California, he led a successful campaign to defeat ABIOl, a "Gay Rights Bill" which would have forced businesses (including churches and Christian childcare centers) to hire homosexuals.
Sheldon is troubled by what he sees happening in America. He sees the Bible being banned from the public schools, yet condoms being distributed, ( which, from his perspective, only encourages children to engage in sex which could end their lives). He speaks of an organization of avowed pedophiles in San Francisco which is permitted to hold regular meetings at a public library under the banner of the First Amendment, while in New York two ministers are arrested for preaching on a street corner on the charges of disturbing the peace.
Sheldon acts out of his belief that the United States of America was built upon the Christian family as he sees it portrayed in scripture (although no scripture is quoted to support his view). Sheldon concludes that the only way this nation can have a future is if traditional family values are defended as the exclusive acceptable lifestyle.
Not much is provided by TVC to describe these Christian family values. The thrust of TVC's existence lies in what they oppose. However, one can come to know ( or at least suspect) what TVC means by "Christian family values" by listening, and by examining what they make clear are not their values (i.e., not homosexuality, divorce, diversity, pornography, violence, or feminism).
Reflections
Little or no theological argument supporting their position exists in the literature TVC sends out. The only indication that this organization has anything to do with religion comes from the constant mentioning of "Rev. Lou Sheldon" and words like "Christian," "churches," "anti-God culture," "laws of God," ''Judeo-Christian roots," and "Bible."
TVC's literature, labeled educational, appears to be solely aimed at generating fear. For example, Sheldon, writing under the heading of "What You Can Do," states:
Right now the enemies of traditional values will probably leave you alone . They are too busy breaking down the national mores they despise, creating new ones, and passing laws to enforce them. But once they have 'captured the culture,' they will come for us. Not wearing the face of an enemy, but as 'friends and fellow Americans' who ask only one little thing.,.. and insist on it -that you, your family, and your church follow their laws of abomination, and not the laws of God." I once heard Matthew Fox say in a
speech, "Evil comes into the human heart through the doorway of fear." I went to understand TVC's heart. Not even making it through their door, I found their fear. As progressive Christians, we must seriously consider how we are to respond to this fear. T
John E. Griffin is the Associate Pastor at Community United Methodist Church in Huntington Beach, Cali-r----=---..".....---,
fornia. He helped establish an Affirmation Group there which was officially adopted as a part of that church's ministry.
9
by
Erwin Barron
"FamI°1y va1ues" is a hot topic
these days, and it is an issue in which
the church must be involved in if it is to
be responsible in today's society.
Whether the topic is Murphy Brown's
single parenthood or a call to return to
"Ozzie and Harriet," the idea of family
values is a wonderful political footbalL
It is hard to be against "family values"
because the term can mean almost anything.
No matter what your political
leanings, Dan Quayle and all the politicians
are correct about one thing: good
family values are critical to the wellbeing
of our society. Clearly the church
has an essential role to play in determining
those values.
When politicians call for a return to traditional family values, what is it they are talking about? Do they want women to stay home and take care of the household duties without pay, andbe denied opportunities in our society? Do they want fathers to work extra hours to be "bread-winners" and never have anything to do with their children? Do . they want a return to an oppressive sexual atmosphere of the 1950s with rigid rules and gender roles set in stone? Women have many more opportunities for careers these days. Gender roles have loosened up so that fathers can be
more loving with their children.
For various reasons, some good,
some bad, we have a much larger variety
of families, in different shapes and
sizes. But that does not necessarily mean
we have given up good biblical values
in our families. How many of us really
know what the Bible says about families
and family values?
What the Bible Does Not Say!
First, this is what the Bible does not
say about family values. Nowhere
does it raise up as the best model, the
traditional, nuclear family with working
father and stay-at-home mother with
2.4 children. Most of the families in the
10
Bible do not come anywhere close to that modeL The great patriarchs of Old Testament Bible stories, Abraham,Jacob, David, and many others, all had several wives and concubines on the side, with children from all of them. The children were constantly fighting for status in the family. Are these the biblical family values we want?
Sometimes when the Bible does try to give some family gUidance , it is so out-of-date and unrelated to our lives we can't give it much credence. For example, Deuteronomy suggests the way to handle rebellious children is to stone them to death in the town square. With the alarming increase in reports of child abuse today, this passage points out the danger of trying to maintain strictly literal biblical family values.
A fundamental family value named in the Ten Commandments is to honor our father and mother. But that commandment is rather one-sided. It says nothing about how our parents are supposed to behave. Using that one-sided gUide, family systems arose in biblical times which allowed a father to treat his children and his wife as virtual property, disposing of them as he wanted.
What the Bible Does Say!
W hat does the Bible say about family values? The Apostle Paul, expanding on the basic commandment to honor father and mother, gave us a new kind of family value. He said children should obey their parents but also asked parents to treat their children with love and respect, and not mistreat them.
Paul also had some important things to say to husbands and wives in families. These passages are some of the most controversial in the Bible. People read them as being anti-women. They are not. Rather, Paul encourages the kinds of love and respect and justice that are essential family values. The readers of Paul's letters would have expected him to say "Wives, be subject to your husbands." But then Paul added , "Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly." That was a dramatic improvement in the justice and love of families. It suggested a radica reshaping of the family values of that era away from property rights and authoritarianism and towards mutua respect,justice for all, and genuine 10\e
While the Bible is not very specific about family life,]esus does have something important to say about how we live our lives. He said the most impo!'tant commandment was to "Love God Then he added another which he considered equally important: "Love you~ neighbor as yourself." Those values love and justice are so conSistently a cented in the Bible that they must al apply to family.
I contend that biblical family value are the same as the other critical valu the Bible constantly upholds. Famili should operate with justice and w. self-giving love. We can find those \' ues in a person chOOSing to live alo in a single parent family, in a fam with homosexual parents, in a divorc family, in a family on welfare, and 1 family with two parents and two c dren.
The kind of family is not wha' important; the kind of love in that ( ily is important! We in the Chri community must affirm traditional. lical family values -caring for other-we do for ourselves, working for ju for everyone, and offering genuine giving love. ~
Erwin Barron is Minister for Children and Families at Westminster Presbyterian Church in downtown Minneapolis, Minnesota. He is active in the local chapter ofPresbyterians for
Lesbian and Gay Concerns.
Open Ha
_
,·here is an assumption floating around church circles that the Bible has some clear statements -about what constitutes a family. ay be the case but I am afraid
,.at most people assume the Bible s as family patterns and family s not what careful study of the res would reveal.
.ar the dominant family pattern Scriptures is polygamy, the prac: one husband with several wives. amy is found not only in the HeScriptures (a.k.a. Old Testament) 15 also implicit in at least one e from the First Letter to Timo.ntten late in the first century or .n the second century AD.) So a
~ficial reading of the Bible does eld helpful patterns.
lily: Scriptural Images
deeper understanding of the
message of the Scriptures . however, give us directions to .\', the direction of an ever grownclusivity in our definitions of
mil)'."
In several passages Jesus redeed the meaning of family. He ned family when he was teachin the temple as a twelve year and he reminded his mother t he was engaged in his "Father's" siness. He defined family on the casion when mother and siblings me looking for him only to be
e all those who do the will of the
e who sent him.
Jesus radically redefined the meanof
family when he taught his diso
ld that his mother and siblings e es to pray. By referring to God as
a, daddy or parent, we acknowlthat
our ultimate family is the
man family with all its culturally appriate
and sexual orientation ap-
ring 1993
by Ignacio Castuera
propriate variations. In addition, in one of the texts traceable to the earliest layers of the sayings of Jesus we are challenged by the statement "If you only love those who love you, what more are you doing than the ungodly?"
Without a doubt the truest Christian family value is inclusiveness, an ever growing circle which recognizes that all individuals and all families are acceptable to God and therefore should also be accepted by us.
Church: An Ever-Growing IncZusivity
Those of us who participate in' the welcoming church movement know the practical value of attempting to live by Jesus' teaching of inclusive love. Our lives have been enriched by the exposure to varieties of loving and alternative families. We have welcomed
a gay couple, John and Ron, and their baby daughter. We have welcomed a lesbian family with two older children. And we have welcomed single parents, couples with step-children, and traditional nuclear families.
Our church, Hollywood United Methodist Church, voted to become a Reconciling Congregation in November of 1991. Since then several nuclear families have joined us because they want their children growing up in a nonjudgemental, inclusive environment. Now, that's a family value worth encouraging.
My son recently turned eight and when he was six he began asking about John and Dick, and David and Kim, two gay couples that had been very kind to him. He wondered about why they lived together. He was told by me that it was because they loved each other. I paused and asked, "Is that okay with you?" He replied by asking me if it was okay with me. When I said, "of course" he then went ahead to say, "then it is okay with me."
I treasure the openness of the church environment in which my child is grow~ ing and I wish that openness for every child in the world. Now, that's a family value, T
Ignacio Castuera is co-pastor oj Hollywood United Methodist Church, a Reconciling Congregation in Hollywood, CaliJornia. He edited Dreams on Fire/ Embers of Hope: From the Pulpits of Los Angeles After the Riots and is active in interreligiOUS circles in the Los Angeles area.
11
THE AMERICAN FAMILY:
A "Destructive My'th for Gay' & Lesbian Teens by David E. Deppe
The American family myth is a powerful influence in all of our lives. Recently, my lover Jonathan
and I, and two of my children were
guests on an Oprah Winfrey Show
which focused on what happens to families
when gay husbands or gay fathers
come out of the closet. During the interview,
my daughter made a poignant
observation about our family and my
coming out: "We were the Brady Bunch,
but the show got canceled."
In many ways what my daughter
said was true. Even though my former
wife and I had prided ourselves in fostering
social consciousness and awareness,
unwittingly we may have also perpetuated
the American family myth.
This myth assumes heterosexuality
and heterosexist values: "father knows
best;" dutiful wife; and 2.4 testy but
compliant children. It glamorizes family
togetherness, undying love, and faithfulness,
but in reality fosters rugged
individualism and raw courage in men
and submissive meekness and docile
tenderness in women. Its values are
founded on unrealistic expectations,
societal pressure, misinformation, and
just plain fantasy. Deviation from what
the myth offers as "normal" is not' allowed.
Such thinking about the American
family spawns gender inequality, sexual
harassment, domestic violence, racial
bias, and ethnic cleanSing. The family
myth is powerful, and it is destructive
for us all.
Impact of the Myth on Gay
and Lesbian Teens
Just how destructive the American family myth is for teens has become mcreasingly apparent to me as I work
with lesbian and gay clients who describe
their teenage years as living hells.
Jane (not her real name) tells how
her father raped her to teach her to be
"normal."John talks about his attempted
suicide after he was thrown out of the
house because he was "different" and "disgraced the family name." PhylliS is sexually dysfunctional because of the abuse she experienced as a child; she is now in her fifth relationship and that too is in trouble. Frank talks about being a "disappointment" to his family; today he numbs his feelings with cocaine and alcohol.
One thread in these stories is the
low self-esteem which results when
teens fail to live up to family expectations.
Lack of a sense of personal worth
makes self-acceptance, including the
process of coming out, more difficult. A
lack of personal worth can, and often
does, lead teens into major depression,
anxiety disorder, and suicidal thoughts
and actions.
Gay and lesbian teens growing up under the misguided values of the family myth lack role models. Good role modefs are central to human development. Healthy behavioral patterns, social skills, and the building of quality relationships depend on positive role models. Oust once I would have liked to have seen David Nelson of "Ozzie and Harriet" date the captain of the football team!) In wrestling with issues of right and wrong, and all the shades of gray between, where can a gay teen find guidance? How does a lesbian teen find direction? Whom can they trust?
Often the problem is exacerbated if the gay or lesbian teen is raised in a Christian home because the church, perhaps more than any other institution, continues to safeguard the family myth as sacred. The message that gay and lesbian relationships are secondrate is not missed by gay and lesbian teens, who feel enormous pressures to live up to the heterosexual orientation.
Counter the Myth with the Gospel
W hat, if anything, can be done to " counter the destructiveness of the American family myth? What can be done to develop wholesome new models of family living? What can be done to replace the "living hells" c family life for gay and lesbian teen with supportive, inclusive family real ties?
Although this is a task for all 0 society, my appeal here is to the church In theological terms, it is time for repentance: time for the church to tur around ... to change our minds .. . to be renewed .. . time to acknowledge our destructive family myth.
I suggest we begin by grounding ou!" faith in the gospel of Jesus Christ an not in American religiosity, or, in this case, family myths. We must begin tc speak a clear Word of God and not ou" own preconceived ideas about tha' Word. We must" begin to preach with integrity, and not out of expediency.
What might that clear Word of God be? I believe the gospel invites us, gay or straight, lesbian or bisexual, to use our sexuality wisely and responsibly. The gospel invites us to encourage faithful, loving relationships and suppot: the celebration of permanent partner through a service of Holy Matrimon or Holy Union. The gospel invites us to broaden our understanding of family to include Singles, divorced and widowed, single parents, and same sex partnerships, as well as the heterosexua family. The gospel invites us all to bless. honor and respect one another and our relationships. Finally, the gospel invite us to create open and affirming an inclusive family structures that are supportive of gay and lesbian teens as the,' become aware of their sexual identity The gospel invites us to love and celebrate each person's sexual orientation as a unique gift of God. T
David E. Deppe, DMin., Ph.D is Clinical Program Director Jor Positive Lifestyles (an inpatient mental health program Jor Gay and Lesbian people) at Chart er
Barclay Hospital in Chicago, Illinois.
12 Open Hands
Danielle, Mario, and Cornell:
eflecfions on Familv and Values
by Bert Garner
0'
ed. or many youth today the term He has seen his mother's compassion family" is a difficult one, espein her work as a nurse's assistant. He ially for youth who have not had feels that gay people are more sensitive
°e experiences of family. "Family" than others because we know how it amily values" (as defined by socifeels to be hurt. This sense of card the religious right) have played ing leads Mario to want to also work in the oppression of queer* youth. within the medical profession.
the Youth Empowerment Although both Mario and
.out which was held in conjuncDanielle can envision family as ° h the 1993 March on Washingbroader than mother, father and April, youth from across the U.so two kids, it was still evident ed to discuss issues of concern that they remain affected
Family and values repeatedly by societal notions of
"family values." Although
preparation took place for the he feels that his relation(
\
hat followed the Speakout, I ship with his mother is
°1th some of the youth about close, Mario remains
e;initions of family and family closeted. He does not , 1\ \\\ \ \ I~ wish to break the image that his mother and fam!
\ \ \
Speak Out ~
I II{
ily have of him. Mario is
\ ~
d nielle, a nineteen year old from concerned that he will dis,===--.::::::==
bryland, explained that it was appoint his family by not
. for her to relate to the term of having children. Danielle pointed out °alues"; she felt that she had no that adoption is always a consideration. el for such a thing. When asked Cornell, who is seventeen and from
e envisioned as "family values," Maryland, echoed Mario's sentiments led that it would be such things about the compassion of gay people. hing kids right and wrong, morHe would like to be a therapist because
so forth. However, the most he has been through a great deal and ant family value that she could feels that he could share his insights _me would be to give people a sense with others.
ect for themselves and for oth-Cornell believes a family should have two responsible, caring adults who have n. ano echoed much of what Danielle time available for and devoted to their
o say, even though his family situchildren in order to provide support. \'as in many ways different. The The sexual orientation of the parents is een year old described growing unimportant -what matters is the love. Ohio with an immediate family Cornell feels that "family values" is just as close. At the age of twelve, he one of many things which society has ed from his mother that she was a created. He sees it as having evolved He credits her coming out to into a heterosexual, suburban, middlebringing them closer because class image. For Cornell, it is important
ould relate to each other. Mario to get rid of this classic stereotype and 'nted out that many times othto think of what is best for the children. me queers as not having family Cornell has within his family a gay "hat all we queers want to do is aunt. However, his grandmother, with ,-:. "VVe have feelings!" This sense whom he lives, has made it clear that
s and caring is a large part of she does not approve of same gender rnal orientation and his values. orientation. Cornell used to attend
,.6.\\'.1,.
~irJ os," '~iJ
church with his grandmother, but as he became aware of his sexual orientation, he left the church. It only made him
depressed, and he felt the closemindedness of the people there. He came away witha low sense of self-worth and much self-hatred.
He has now learned to accept himself and his gayness. His belief in God continues, but he believes that his answering is to God and not to the people of the congregation. It has taken him a long time to overcome the obstacles placed in front of him by "family values," but he now sees the gay community as
_:::sa I~_ A.
a very caring and sensitive one.
Since he has been out, he has met great people and says that he would not turn back now, even if there was a "cure."
As I spoke with these youth, I was reminded of the buttons that say, "Hate is Not a Family Value." The youth at the Speakout are able to see beyond the hate to the positive of what can be an incredible oppression -especially at this point in their lives. They are also able to give us the vision of new values, new families, new voices. T
*Queer is the word which the youth at the Speakout used to identify themselves as lesbian, .gay, bisexual, transgenderal, and questioning people.
Bert Garner is a United Methodist Mission Intern working with the AIDS Pastoral Care Network in Chicago, Illinois. He also volunteers with the Reconciling Congregation Program.
993 13
~f(~oH~~D(D U\TT~TUD(~g
One Sunday when I was about nine years old my father, who is a Lutheran minister, gave a sermon which dealt with Jesus and his open association and friendship with the outcasts of his society, such as whores, lepers, and tax collectors. In making a correlation between Jesus in his time and Christians in the presentday, my father said that he was associated with and had befriended outcasts in our society. He listed a group of people who are looked upon negatively by many people in our country which included blacks, the handicapped, and gays and lesbians. Usually I didn't take
much interest in my father's sermons, but when I heard that my father, though straight, not only knew gays and lesbians but had them as friends, too, I was completely astounded.
That afternoon I walked into my parents' bedroom where my mother was resting. In an uneasy manner I asked her what my father had meant in his sermon that morning with reference to his gay friends. That afternoon
14
A Family Value
by Kevin Poole
was one of the most enlightening times of my life. My mother and I ended up having a four hour discussion on the subject of homosexuals as real people. I learned that there were people I knew and was very close to who were homosexuals. These were people who weren't evil child molesters as I had heard and ignorantly believed. These were not immoral people and they did not carry out the disgusting sexual acts I thought.
The last point was hard to understand. It was difficult for me to accept something which I had been told by my friends and by society was wrong and demoralizing. But with enough assistance from my mother, I began to unq~r;sltand the uniqueness of homosexu:~;)~~'~
f"andlstartep to accept them as ,'~m~*:qeirtgs ~nd realized that their ~exual orientation was a minor differenci~':~~
et~~ti0them and me.
1ti\J.qt:t~ncl of that discussion, my ~othef'toldme that many of my adult ''friends {who were connected with our
,
' .
:"R,*,ere gay. I realized that I had
1);1
ovei!dlthe~~,R;eople prior to know/ifl$'lh~Y fr~re gay and (because .D~:"tnyLp~rsonal and Christian belief) I felt that there was no
to stop loving them. then I have become an
'
:!Bem13~f!:f\n the gay commu.
nitfas'a'straight, open-minded male. When I was twelve or thirteen I joined my parents in worshipping with Lutherans Concerned (a group organized to promote full acceptance of gays and lesbians in the Lutheran Church) once or twice a month. That was an interesting point of my life because I was still naive about many things, but I was made to feel mature and "grown-up" because of my lack of prejudice.
As a child growing up with this special acceptance (special because most kids -and adults for that matter -were very ignorant and biased against homosexuals), I always felt I had an edge over my peers. Even though I was made fun of and taunted with derogatory epithets, I was still proud of my participation in the gay community. I ha\"e even walked in two Gay Pride Parades in Chicago. Both times it was wonderful to feel the intensely high-spirited bonding between everyone who marched to express their pride of who they were.
Positive Family Values
These open minded attitudes, held by people such as my parents, are the kind of liberal, positive family values that need to be more prominent in our society in order for harmonious relations between human beings to exist. For if ignorance prevails in our world nothing new, important, or exciting wi1. occur. Without differences amon people, life would be filled with borm and meaningless relationships. Differences in color, cultural background sex, and sexual orientation in people should not be pushed aside as shameful, but should be encouraged and accepted as unique and deserving of pride and admiration.
I have been told that prejudice plu manipulative power results in racisrr. and other kinds of oppression. It scare me to think of how much oppressio there is out in the world and how detnmental it is to so many. Fortunately, it' comforting to know that I have power too, the power over ignorance. T
Kevin Poole is a seventeen year old PK on both sides! His father is now a spiritua director, after fift een years in the parish His mother is a parish minister at the Lutheran Church of the Resurrection or. the far south side of Chicago where Kevin
is a member. He is a junior at Whitney Young High School in Chicago, Illinois where he is very active in theater and a member of the Human Relations Club.
Open Hands
",,,,
•. ,",,' ieL,' -
" "
1\ ""'-_ _ TowarS . bbv
~' Margarita
y
"" ~ ----~
J
Ourney a bisexual, Latina woman, mar,vith an infant son and a stepghter. Given that information, I held in high esteem by persons aim to be the repositories of an family values." Yet I am a n, I am part of a family, and I
,~~uu~: have values. two years ago, I had lived my ult life (twelve years) as a lesbitered seminary, became orand
received calls to two
es as an "out" lesbian (albeit a
er than a "6"on Kinsey's scale).
onsidered the possibility of a
_..-.avu.:>hip with a man. So when I was
ain, I was looking to fall in love
·~man. I did fall in love -but
rnan-and heterophobia took
nted to run away. I was terrimy
friends would think I had
~'I'V'Inned them and our cause for jusondered if the new lesbians in rch would feel betrayed and 'ondered how the sex would ~ I would like it enough to a long-term relationship. I shut my feelings down and
"hat this wasn't happening. ouldn't. I believe that we must !1 ourselves to the truth of our are to be present to ourselves,
~~quently, really present to each inistry ofpresence" was part
,reat gift to all he met. I wanted e such a ministry of presence, d not do so if I disallowed my
elings.
g in love with a man was like out all over again,risking friendd community built over many
Bemg a person with a bisexual
,~ .....uHion in relationship with a per"
he other gender makes one
be comfortably heterosexual.
_I came out as bisexual to the
lers who head my local assond
conference, they were exoncerned
that I intended to
a man without the benefit of
--~_'!~II..lL~Suarez
-~1i11h.......!..!~
g
marriage. They implied that my behavior could be considered unethical according to ministerial standards. I did my best to confront the church authorities, explaining the heterosexual privilege associated with marriage and how I did not want to buy into that privilege when lesbian and gay people did not have the same rights and responsibilities. But I realized I couldn't win -and friends encouraged me to get married to save my career.
Heterosexual privilege confronted me in other ways. While David and I were vacationing in a Wisconsin resort, we were being very "carinoso" toward each other when I noticed people smil".......".......~~~...
one knows how our lives will
ing at us. Except perhaps in Provincetown, Massachusetts or Fire Island, New York, I would never expect people to smile at my obvious affection for the woman I was with. I realized that my new relationship with a man could lull me into being too comfortable, so I determined to be on constant alert for the places of heterosexual privi~ lege that would be offered to me (sometimes daily) and to confront them as I was able.
Sometimes heterosexual privilege made me ashamed of loving a man or embarrassed to be with David. Mostly those feelings just made me feel ashamed of myself. I wished I could just be a lesbian. I didn't want the extra burden of being bisexual. I was tired and didn't want one more issue or one more question.
When people ask how I "changed" my orientation, I tell them that my orientation didn't change; rather I was able to acknowledge the truth that had been there all along. I am still a "4112" on Kinsey's scale. When people ask about fidelity, I answer that I am faithful to my family -which right now includes my spouse, my son, my step-daughter and myself. We need to be faithful to each other -not letting the gods of career advancement, success, desire for possessions and power, lust, or youth become more important than nurturing relationships among us.
Yet, our family may change. David was previously married; that changed with a divorce. I was previously in a long-term relationship with a woman; that changed when we separated. No
change in the future or what rearranging of our family will occur. But nurturing the relationships that exist now must always be part ormy consideration for any future family configurations. For me being bisexual is being open to loving. Love can emerge when we least expect it. True friendship often has sexual undertones, though we do not usually admit to them if we are in an established, monogamous relationship.Instead, we may act in divisive and deceptive ways. Is that a good family value? Or is it better to be honest, caring, and forthright and to struggle together (with our chosen family) over the implications of those friendships? Questions of fidelity, of sexual undertones in friendships, of being open to love whenever it comes, are very difficult. I can ask them and muse on their implications for my life, but they will only be resolved as I live them out in relation with my family. T
Margarita Suarez is pastor oj New Hope United Church oj Ch1ist in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
993 15
•••• •••• • •• ••••• ••• • ••• •••• •• •••••• •••••••
• •
• •
• •
• •
• •
••••••••••• ••• ••• • •••••••••• •• ••• • ••••••••
Raising Children with Inclusive Values
by Anne Broyles
• "Mom, when I grow up, can I many anybody I want?" • : • "Of course you can," I told my five year old son. ••• • "I think I'll many someone named Eric," Justus said •
: thoughtfully. "Can I many an Eric?" : : ''You can many Eric or Erica. Eric is usually a boy's :
• name: Erica would be the name of a girl. So it depends • • on whom you many." • : "I want to many an Eric like in The UttIe Mermaid." :
I paused, carefully considering my response. "Well, some men love men and some love women. Like Dad loves me but Evan has boyfriends." I looked at Justus' sweet face, as yet unmarred by societal judgements on "right" or "wrong" sexual orientations. How could I help him to stay open and accepting while also being honest about the unaccepting climate in which gays and lesbians often live?
"You and I know that as long as two people really love each other, it doesn't matter if they love people of the same sex or a different sex." He nodded his head. "But to tell you the truth, Justus, there are lots of people who don't understand that and they end up treating lesbians and gay men mean." I hugged him close. "Whoever you love, Dad and I will love and accept, too."
Justus looked serious. "What if my Eric doesn't love me even though I love him?"
I hugged him again. "Oh, honey, that will almost certainly happen to you as you grow up. You'll think your heart will break if a certain person doesn't love you. Eventually, though, you'll hopefully find someone who loves you back the way you love them."
Such hard lessons for a young child, I thought, and yet I knew that part of my job as a parent was to prepare my children for the realities of this world. It wasn't until I was in seminary that I realized that some of the people I knew, cared for, and respected were of samesex orientation. Those friends helped me understand a bit of how it feels to live in a world where some persons cannot be open about whom they love. While I was dreamily talking with anyone who would listen about my plans to marry my husband, others could only share their love-lives with a trusted few. While I was free to walk around campus holding hands with Larry, others could only touch each other in the privacy of their dorm rooms.
Growing up, I don't remember thinking much about the possibility that not everyone was heterosexuaL Men loved women, women loved men, and that's just the way it was in my limited world. With some chagrin, I do remember a passing fad where Thursday was "Queer's Day" when we were supposed to wear green and yellow clothing. It never occurred to me that "Queer's Day" might have been offensive and hurtful to some of those with whom I went to school.
So now, as a parent, I struggle with how to raise my two children to be open and accepting of all people. I want my children to know the realities of this world and also feel that there is a positive power in religious faith that can challenge the status quo, when necessary, and work towards God's New Realm.
After Moses gave his followers t ten commandments, he reminded theT!"
"Remember these commands and cherish them. Tie them on your anns and wear them on your Joreheads as a reminder. Teach them to your children. Talk about them when you are home and when you are away, when you are resting and when you are working. Write them on the doorposts oj your houses and on your gates. Then you and your children will live a long time in the land that the Lord God promised to your ancestors." (Deuteronomy 11 : 18-21 a,
TEV)
I want to teach my children th God loves each of us more than we ever know and that even though may erect barriers between oursehand other people through prejudi namecalling, and insensitivity, "all aone in Christ Jesus." The divisions' make between rich and poor, gay a straight, First World and Third Wor people of color and white folks are n ultimate categories. God calls us to sisters and brothers, working togetl~ for the good of the world.
My prayers are with my children and all who stan tall, speak out, and war that all persons may be part of God's beautiful creation
So far, so good. My children ama: me with their tolerance and acceptan which, first modelled by their paren' has become their own nature. Both Tnnity and Justus have vocally defende children in school who they felt wer being unfairly treated. Both have r belled against what they felt was inju~ tice by writing letters, staging person boycotts, loudly discussing their vie\\'
And yet I worry sometimes that 1
Open Hands 16
.--..I-U'
c >=' them to embody the all-incluof Christ, I am preparing them 'ays on the outside, out of the ~~--""'ream understandings of society !"e. Am I setting them up to be ._ .......LU~.... _ rejected? "Happy are those who uted because they do what God .." (Matthew . is it fair to ask a Id to shoulder 'e Christians are o be? her sixth grade daughter was assignment to eline of her life. of her almost-an event from -·ory and an event ersonallife. As 'Trinity looked e Carry It On lendar hanging 1. Her timeline, displayed on ard with a colotographs and ·ons, included h as Greenham in 1983, Tutu winning Peace Prize in e first National i r Gay and Lesbi-in 1987, Jesse winning the primary in amen Square in :--:elson Mandela's release in 1ect was beautiful. "You did a _ I told her. ''I'm really proud / guess is, however, that the u chose are quite different than some of your friends' timelines. ore likely to have President and Bush's elections, for in'ou may have to interpret some -ents you've chosen." roblem. Trinity received an A+ udly displayed her timeline for -To-School Night. But, as she hat precarious age of adoles~==============~ _____----lIY
cence where hormones and the expectations and values of a sexist society can trigger loss in self-esteem, I know that it will be important to give her plenty of support so she can be herself, not following the crowd, and still feel accepted.
Both Trinity and Justus have stood up for children of color who were the object of teasing and misunderstanding on the playground, but my children were safe, given their white skin, from being lumped into the same category of derision. Will it be different if they take the side of someone who has been called "fag" or "dyke?" It is hard enough to develop a healthy sense of sexuality (no matter what one's sexual orientation) without others labelling you as "queer" when that may not be the case. Yet I must trust that my kids will be able to handle the consequences of whatever positions they choose to take .
"Do not conform yourselves to the
standards of this world, but let God
transform you inwardly by a complete
change of your mind . .. Hate
what is evil, hold on to what is good
. . . Let your hope keep you joyful,
be patient in your troubles, and
pray at all times." (Romans 12: 2a,
9b, 12)
As a Christian parent, my job is to hold the .life of Jesus before us as an example of complete and accepting love. I must also help my children develop a strong sense of their own spirituality so that when times come, as they must, when they find themselves on the "outside" because of their faithfulness, they will lean on God's strength. I want them to be able to see with the eyes of Christ so that, when they encounter injustice and intolerance, they will be able to see "that of God" in both the oppressor and the oppressed.
Gay and lesbian issues are part of the entire spectrum of concerns that, as Christians, Trinity andJustus will be called to address. Ifthey had grown up in a different age, they might have joined with others to establish · voting rights for women or to abolish "Whites Only" drinking fountains. As children of the late twentieth century, they find themselves in a time of change where lesbians and gay men are claiming their inherent worth and asking to be accepted for who they are. My prayers are with my children and all who stand tall, speak out, and work that all persons may be a part of God's beautiful
creation, regardless of how or with whom they share love. Loving, accepting, working for peace and justice -1 can't think of more important Christian family values to impart to children and parents alike . ...
Anne Broyles is co-pastor ofMalibu UMC, Malibu, California (which is in the process of becoming a Reconciling Congregation.) She is the author of over seventy
articles and three books, including Growing Together in Love: God Known Through Family Life which will be published by the Upper Room next fall.
1993 17
Vince
Having met Mike and Nadia, I've discovered a meaning of family I didn't know could exist. I met Mike and his daughter at the beginning of my coming out to myself as a gay man. From them I learned of "gay fathers" a
concept I had not even thought about before. As the three of us got to know each other, Mike said several times to me that he and Nadia "came as a package."
We've grown to love as a family, sharing happy times and supporting each other in difficult situations. A family starts as a relationship; and it is constantly growing and developing. It takes a lot of effort at times, and a whole lot of respect for each other. Being there to support and simply care about one another is not easy. Mike and Nadia have given me this long hoped for feeling of support and caring.
A family does for each other and teaches each other new things about life. We share our thoughts and our feelings. A family is more than just a man, woman, and child. A family is held together by sharing what is important to each other. We gather for meals together. We join around the piano to
What Makes a Family?
by Vince Benabese, Mike Underhill, and Nadia Underhill
What makes a family? We debated this question and discussed it inside out. We consulted dictionaries and textbooks. We reflected on our experiences. We thought about other families. And as it usually is when the three of us discuss matters ofimportance, we realized that we did not agree on one single answer. So we'll share our individual perspectives
with you.
play and sing. We share events that are important to each other -with a vacation thrown in now and then.
There are many experiences to come I'm sure -but always as a family.
Mike
All the mail I receive from the Gay and Lesbian Parents Coalition is stamped on the envelope with a bold slogan, "LOVE MAKES A FAMILY" For the roughly 10 percent of gay men and the 40 percent of lesbians who have children, this slogan strikes home. Whatever the courts have ruled about our fitness as parents, whatever church bodies have said about our compatibility with religiOUS teachings, whatever other kids on the playground tell 0 children about fags and queers, wha . ever quaint term the census bureau an sociologists use to sometimes acknm edge our existence, we know love an we know in our guts that we and 0 children and our lovers constitute fam·· lies.
Yes, love does make a family. B there's more.
When I last wrote about this topic Open Hands, I wrote a typically rna' piece, analytical and objective, full 0 arguments and sub-arguments. Thou it contained an ode on the "wisdom our children," there was little to suggehow much joy I had with my daugh Nadia. There was also no indication
CURBSIDE
OH F I NE) FIN£..... Bur, SAYS ToNY T ilt. \5 Go -N EE DING BRA(fS .. .
18 Open Hands
how much work and energy it took to organize my entire life around meeting my commitments to be part of Nadia's life each and every week.
So now I want to emphasize that love and joy and work and energy all make a family. But most importantly, I want to acknowledge that family life with Nadia and Vince is a great blessing. They kid me, make me laugh at myself, ask about important things in my life, listen when I need to talk, give me advice when I ask for it, care about my feelings, and humor my peculiarities.
What makes a family? For me, family is simply Nadia and Vince.
Nadia
Norman Rockwell's pictures of the quintessential family seem firmly tattooed onto some people's brains. Not mine, though, because my family has never been what a lot of people would call normal. I don't see why they wouldn't, really, because aren't we taught not to judge by appearances?
I guess the question is "What really makes up a family?" I have a lot of different answers. I think love is part of it, sure. But there's a lot more to love than family, and a lot more to family than love. I think of my family (my mom, my dad, and Vince) as a support group. I know they'll be there for me, and likewise, I know that when they need me, I'll be there. Family is doing things you don't want to, and giving up things you do want. Family is trust. Family is knowing that someone always loves you, supports you, thinks about you.
Before Vince became a part of our family, I didn't feel like my dad and I were just a fragment of a family. We weren't; we were a family, by all of the measures listed above. But then my dad met Vince. Vince wasn't like any of the other men my dad had dated. I felt comfortable with him the first time I met him. Once he and my dad moved in together, there weren't any ragged edges between us. We were all one unit, a family.
I remember the night I realized that Vince was a part of my family for good, that was that. I use this example to show how well the three of us work together.
When I think about our family I know that we have one of the best familial relationships I know. We go beyond love to reliance, consideration, support and trust. I consider myself truly lucky in all respects of my family.
In Conclusion
W hat makes a family? Despite our differences in emphasis as we've answered this question, there is no difference on the fundamental point: we three are a family
""II<;::~---------------->-""/i We respect and support each
not just an onlooker. My dad and I had season tickets to a symphony, and this was the second time my dad had made . extra efforts to get Vince a seat, even going so far as to change our seats so we could all sit together. I remember thinking that my dad's and my life alone was over, and I had never realized it was ending. And in response to this major restructuring of my family, my only response was to think that, well, okay,
=
=========~)jl
other. We have our own rituals of sharing. We are honest with each other. We often ask about each other. We enjoy each other. We sing, play Monopoly, try new recipes, plant wild flowers, wash clothes, and run errands. We cooperate to make life a little easier and a little more enjoyable. And because of our shared lives together, we trust that in good times
and in bad, when it's convenient and when it's not, we three will be there for each other. That's love in action. That's what makes a family. T
Nadia is a very active sophomore in high school. Vince and Mike work in the information technology training department of a major Chicago corporation and are active at Parish of the Holy Covenant United
. Methodist Church in Chicago, Illinois.
T
h;S 5eec.idJ E. piso de of "CURB SIDE " wru-~.tr F ~ueo T HE RfPV8LtO(N HDM05EX CDIlLlTi oN FOR crR.APIT10N'AL f'AM/Lc ~. ~
Spring 1993 19
Effective parenting crosses all spectrums of society and culture and all sexual orientations, although added dynamics are evident when lesbians, gay men, and bisexual people are parents. Effective parents are those who possess certain traits and practice certain skills within their families to produce healthy, positive re~ lationships with their partners and children.
The first trait of effective parenting is AVAILABILITY. As parents, we need to make time to listen and share what is important to us and what is important to our children. What we invest in our children now is what we will get in return later. Our children will never remember what they had for dinner. They will remember if we had time to spend with them. Take time for fun. Make memories together.
The second trait of effective parenting is MUTUAL RESPECT. Mutual respect says that everyone is valued and no one is more important than another. For example, if I expect my child to knock on my bedroom door when it is closed, then I need to knock on my child's door as well. Respect isn't just something young people should have for their elders. It is something we should all experience from birth on: doing to others as we would have them do to us.
A third trait of effective parenting is EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION which is a combination of speaking with and listening to another person. Listening is the most important part of the equation! On occasion, one of my children will say "Mom, you're not really listening to me." When that happens, it is important for me to affirm them by giving my full attention, eye contact, and body language that says ''I'm with you now." We also need to help our children feel safe enough to express themselves to us without fear of rejection.
To engage in effective communication, families must have appropriate LANGUAGE -to name who we are and how we relate to each other. Language is especially important to gay, lesbian, and bisexual families . When I divorced, I became a single parent. My ex-husband remarried about the same time I re-partnered. He had a Wedding. We had a Holy Union. O Uf children now had a father and stepmother, and a mother and her friend or companion, depending on who was speaking. When my children say "this is my mom and this is her partner" or "this is my bedroom and this is their bedroom," their friends have little difficulty with it. But we must have the language.
A fourth trait of effective parenting involves RIGHTS AND RESPONSIBILITIES. Ask yourselves these questions What kind of family do we have? Wha' do we want it to looklike? What's my part? What's your part? Everyone needs to have a meaningful; manageable role. I signed on to be the mom. You signed on to be the kid. How do we work together to make our home the place where we all want to live?
Responsibility is like a muscle. Ithas to be used in order to grow. Kids who have everything done for them become passive recipients of whatever life dishes out. Responsible, thinking, involved kids believe they can change the world, and they do their best to do that. Lettino our children make some choices and live through the consequences is one or the best gifts we can give them. If one forgets his lunch, he has to figure au' what to do; borrow money, borrow food . be hungry until after school and hope for a big snack. If one forgets her jacke she has to be cold or stay in fro
Open Hands 20
parents are always there, kids through the consequence of e, never have to figure out 0, never learn from a mistake might do differently the next ecome responsible for them-
effective parenting involves this with LOVE FOR EACH Remember that what we put
we'll get back someday.
:ears ago we took a family trip port. We tried to buy a "fambut were told that my life and our two children did not .i criteria for family. We went many middle and upper manpeople and just as many ex=L-=-.uv.1S as to why we were family ed this pass. They were willme a single parent memberfinally they were willing to let e, just to have us go away. Of wouldn't do that. Finally a arne toward us and said an./ do you people have to be so "hy do you have to make such .. My nine year old daughter, been silently observing the e as we marched from pererson,
came forward and ree does it now so that maybe I -e to do it later." Without anord from anyone, Kacy was
our family pass. e love we give, the time we nd the values we share that family. .... Frryberg is the founder and DirecPc:
ents & Kids Foundation in Con necticut and is a member of politan Community Church in en. She is writing a book, Raisfo
r Fun and Prof it.
A Fami.ly Orientation
by Malcolm C. Bertram, Jr.
LOri Ann grew up in a home where peace and justice were not only discussed but acted on. As parents Barbara and I sought to show not only by words but by example that every person shares with every other person a common family, the family of God.
Lori Ann brought a new challenge, a new gift, when she told us she was a lesbian. That really put years of teaching, living, and believing to the test. Would our teaching and believing get reduced to mere words when applied to our family? How would we and her two brothers react after Lori Ann "came out" the summer before her junior year in college? How would we react to new words, new relationships, and new categories of consideration?
We were forced to broaden the circle of our neatly fashioned heterosexual world -to be more inclusive -which moved us far beyond intellectual exercises, academic knowledge, or even theological belief. Would our family circle expand to become inclusive of those called "gay" and "lesbian" or would it reject and shut them out which also meant rejecting and shutting out Lori Ann? For the Bertram family, the latter was never eVen an option. Yes, there are areas of conflict, misunderstandings, and times of tension. But they would all be with us anyway. Lori Ann's orientation is really not the cause. Rather, her orientation is one of the dynamics brought to our family table which now includes two more traditional families (Lori Ann's brothers and their spouses, each with two sons) expanding our circle even more. With every expansion has come a strengthening of our family.
For us the issue was never "Why us?" or "What did we do?" The questions were, "What will this mean for us?" and "How will Lori Ann be treated by others?" Our concerns were clarified when Mary, a close friend of the family, responded to the news by saying, "I love Lori Ann, and her being a lesbian doesn't change that love.I worry, however, about how she will be treated by those who don't love her."
It has been almost ten years since Lori Ann came out. Today the family as a whole accepts her and her partner without question although individually, family members have questions, disappointments, expectations, and fears . Each family member deals with these struggles in different ways, most often in a supportive, affirming manner.
The strong family values of peace, justice, honesty, and celebration of each individual have played a major role in al1 our growth: Love for each other, strengthened by shared family religious experiences, and a common commitment to the dignity and value of each person, provided the glue that would not allow our family to crack or break.
Our family'S story, however, should be viewed against the backdrop of a society which does not support or recognize the right of persons to be themselves. We know some of the reactions of others who do not know the Bertram Family. We hear the words that hurt, cut, and wound. Yet we also know the joy of love tested and love strengthened . We love each other, and that is our family orientation . ....
Malcolm C. Bertram, Jr. is Senior Pastor of The Second Church in Newton, United Church ofChrist, Newton, Massachusetts which became an Open and Affirming Church before knOWing the Bertram story. His daughter, Lori Ann, is a Supervisor for the Domestic Abuse Unit in the Massachusetts State Department of Social Services and a deacon in the Hingham Congregational Church, Uce.
993 21
In 1989 the "Children of the Rainbow" curriculum was developed by the New York City public school system and recommended by the central Board of Education to the thirty-two local districts for adoption. The multicultural guide is designed to acquaint teachers with the different types of families and backgrounds from which their students come. Teachers are to encourage students to respect diversity and promote sensitivity by teaching them to "acknowledge the positive aspects of each type of household."
These objectives make sense, given the facts that two-thirds of the one million children who attend public school in New York City are from single-parent households; more than half live in poverty; ten percent have immigrated to this country within the past three years; and only twenty percent are white.
Controversy has arisen, however, because within the 443-page curriculum, brief sections suggest that respect be extended to lesbian/ gay people and children whose families may include one or more homosexual parents. In the fall of
by
Beth Bentley
1992 gay rights opponents charged that the "Children of the Rainbow" curriculum promotes homosexuality. Roman Catholics, Hispanic evangelicals, and affiliates of Pat Robertson's Christian Coalition have been especially outspoken and disrespectful in school board meetings, special forums and demonstrations (thus demonstrating the need for the curriculum).
Peter Hogness shared his personal experience at a special forum in Queens School District 24. He says, "The catcalls and insults started as soon as the crowd knew which side I was on: "Shut up! ... You phony! . .. Boo!" 1
In the face of widespread and outspoken opposition, the original recommendations to teachers were modified, giving districts the option of postponing until later grades topics relating to homosexuality while retaining the basic message of respect. According to the Washington Blade (December 18, 1992) by early December 1992, seventeen of the thirty-two boards had opted to postpone references to gay/ lesbian families until later grades; eight were reportedly using the original curriculum gUidelines; and the remainder were discussing possible alterations.
In School District 15, the pastor and members of Park Slope United Methodist Church (PSUMC), a reconciling congregation, have been active in testifying in favor of the curriculum and holding forums. The pastor has also raised the issue at a meeting of United Methodist pastors called by the bishop to discuss urban issues.
It is quite likely that the gUide could be gutted, and the central school board's
. decisions overturned, if conservative school board candidates get elected on May 4. As this issue of Open Hands goes to press results are not yet known. Among the candidates who promote the family value of respecting everyone are a PSUMC member and a United Methodist pastor from Staten Island. ...
1His article originally appeared in New York Newsday (December 11, 1992) and was reprinted in GLPCI Network (the newsletter oj the Ga) & Lesbian Parents Coalition International).
Beth Bentley is a member oj Park Slope United Methodist Church in the Brookl)~ neighborhood oj New York City.
n
ant. Pat and Karen Norman, who have been a family for more than nine years, are now proud parents of ten month old Zachary. The bi ll boards have been the target of vandalism and a bomb threat and GLAAD offices have received some hate calls, bu most response has been positive.
In October 1992, the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) launched an advertising campaign in the state of California to challenge the traditional definition of family and to increase lesbian visibility. The ad features an interracial lesbian couple, one of whom is nine months preg-
22 Open Hands
~
!\j'O'1'~E
Baptizing Andrew:
""~e"
A Tale of Two Churches CllflJee,tA
by Karin Abbey
a and I are a mixed couple: eila was raised Roman Cathoand I was raised Lutheran. met thirteen years ago, neiwas active in a church nor
en since college. :er, not long after we became a began attending a Lutheran 'hich was quite conservative, 'orship style and politics. The
pealed to me (as an anthrovalue tradition), but the latroblematic. I had found a comof faith, but I had to be very bout discussing my private life. l no inclination to join a church
e didn't feel welcome. ,'ears later, I discovered s Concerned and wrote to
'Tl
rough LC I was nominated to \'orkshop on the Church and <>xuality where I was out simul...~..uU;)Ij' for the first time as a Chrisa lesbian. I came home high sSibility of being a Lutheran
open about her sexuality. . post-workshop enthusiasm, I
to my pastor. He was speechn though he knew I lived with d knew the nature of the workad attended! I suggested that I ably not the only non-hetero. n his congregation. He agreed that so far he hadn't had to
h the issue. passed. The pastor looked a mfortable at any mention of
and even more so when I menmy involvement in Lutherans ned. However, I taught Sunday served on Church Council, and
rganize the church's 35th anni.
celebrations. Slowly, I came out -people at church. n Sheila succeeded · in getting nt (something we had been worklard for nearly five years). We that my congregation would not
best place for the baby's bapFortunately, we had become aced with Pastor Pat of the other
g 1993
local Lutheran church. So when she announced that she was pregnant, we just grinned and Sheila announced that she was pregnant too. Pastor Pat readily agreed to baptize our baby.
Sheila gave birth to Andrew on October 4, 1990. We arranged to have Lutherans Concerned godfathers fly in from Chicago and Pittsburgh for Andrew's baptism on December 30. Unfortunately, we hadn't cleared the date with Pastor Pat and discovered she would be out of town.
Since it was too late to change the date, we decided that I should ask my pastor after all. When I told him of Andrew's birth, he was again speechless. When I asked about the baptism, he said that it was his practice to baptize "illegitimate" children before or after services, not during them. Now I was speechless!
"Surely," he said, "you've seen baptismal parties between services?"
"Yes, but I assumed they weren't members of the congregation and didn't care to participate in the service."
"Occasionally. But more often they
were the families of illegitimate children."
"But I thought a major part of baptism was to welcome the child into the congregation? That can hardly happen if the congregation isn't present."
"I can't make an exception for you. It wouldn't be fair to all the others."
"You've already been unfair to them."
"I see no reason to change my elevenyear-old custom." "I see no reason to continue in this congregation. "
I cried all the way home where Sheila ' comforted me. Then we called Pastor Pat and asked if the chaplain of our Lutherans Concerned chapter could perform the baptism at her church in her absence. She brought the matter to her church council, who readily agreed. The godfathers arrived, family and friends came, the baptism was beautiful,
and Sheila and I were introduced
to the congregation as Andrew's parents.
We subsequently joined Andrew's
new church. We serve on various committees
and attend worship as a family.
I still miss some of the friends I
made at myoId congregation, but we
all appreciate the differences between
that church and our new one .
At myoId congregation, I was "out"
to a select few; now, if one of us turns
up alone for services, people ask,
"Where's the rest of the family?" At my
old congregation, the pastor looked
uncomfortable if I mentioned Sheila;
now, when Sheila and Andrew attend
early service and I turn up for the late
service, Pastor Pat chuckles and says,
"What, are you two separated?"
Our new church gives us hope for
the future, hope for Andrew, and hope
for the church as a whole . ...
Karin Abbey and her partner, Sheila Connolly, have been in a committed relationship since 1980 and have worked in the same companyfor ten years. Their son Andrew is now two and a half years old.
23
Same-Sex Unions:
Perspectives from a Clergy /lllv
In February 1993 the United Meth~ odist Southwest Texas Conference held its first gathering of "clergy only" with our newly assigned bishop. In a time for questions the bishop made it clear that he would discourage local churches from becoming Reconciling Congregations -an action churches can take beyond the boundaries of episcopal authority. He also forbade clergy under his charge to officiate at unions or any ceremonies resembling a marriage between same-sex couples, noting that such action would receive an episcopal reprimand (which could considerably jeopardize individual clergypersons' ·careers). Some of the ministers, including me, sighed in dismay while others cheered in unrestrained joy.
The bishop's statement triggered anxiety in me for very personal reasons. In November 1992 Trinity UMC (the church to which I have been appointed for five years) voted by Church Conference action to become a Reconciling Congregation. By taking this step Trinity Church has decided that one's sexual orientation should not be a determinant for the status of inclusion . . Therefore, Trinity also believes that persons of homosexual and bisexual orientations should be afforded the open opportunity, if so desired, to have the same life-partnered, monogamous relationships as heterosexuals. Additionally, Trinity believes that if the couple chooses to have a public church ceremony marking this important rite of passage, and chooses to have a clergyperson officiating, church and clergy blessings should not be withheld.
I have conducted same-sex unions since 1988. They have been facilitated discreetly, usually in members' homes to protect the privacy of the couple, to protect myself from undue criticism, and to respect the integrity of Trinity Church, which had not yet made a public statement regarding its understand24
ing of sexual orientation.
When meeting with same-sex couples before a union service, I have followed the same guidelines for counseling as with opposite-sex couples before a wedding. I believe that life-partnerships should not be entered into unadvisedly, particularly with same-sex couples who have a society and even the church discouraging their relationship. I discuss relationship issues and emphasize the unique spiritual quality of a covenant before God that promises to love each other "for better and for worse . . . till parted by death." I also explain to same-sex couples that my role is not as an "officiant," since the United Methodist Church does not recognize their covenant.
Since my bishop's pronouncement I have felt intensely conflicted. To ignore the bishop's gag order would jeopardize my own ministry and possibly the mission of Trinity Church. To obey his order would contradict what I understand to be the gospel of Jesus Christ and would compromise my own integrity.
But perhaps there is another possibility. What if God is the officiant and couples were to give their vows to each other without a clergy conducting the service? The Quakers have been doing it for hundreds of years. The quiet stillness of God's presence experienced at a Friends Meeting House reminds us of what the Holy Spirit can do when we clergy get out of the way.
One Friends marriage booklet says that "No third person pronounces (opposite-sex couples) husband and wife because Friends believe that God alone can create such a union and give it Significance" (A Quaker Marriage. Philadelphia: Philadelphia Yearly Meeting).
Another Quaker group writes that "Early Friends perceived that no mortal being could join two others together in marriage; only they could marry each
by Sid Hall
other through a public declaration of their commitment (" Marriage" in Faith and Practice. Corvallis, Oregon; North Pacific Yearly Meeting of the ReligiOUS Society of Friends, 1986, p. 91). That same meeting of the Friends declared that although Quaker weddings have traditionally been limited to heterosexual couples, "meetings may wish to honor such requests to take a homosexual committed relationship under their care by following the traditional clearness procedures and having a Meeting for Worship in which the couple publicly affirms and celebrates their commitment to each other."
Quaker unions are always in the context of worship. Often after the vows are spoken they are followed by silence before God which the worshipping community shares through silent prayer, meditation, spoken prayers, scripture reading, or spoken messages to the couple.
What if such a practice were done in other churches? Even if clergypersons cannot oJJiciate at a same-sex union, surely their presence at any service that enhances "responsible, committed, and loving forms of expression" and affirms "only that sexual expression which enhances that same humanity, in the midst of diverse opinion as to what constitutes that enhancement" (The Book oj Discipline, UMC, para. 71F) would not be seen as a violation of ordination vows. Although I suspect conservative bishops would not much like a Quakertype ceremony for same-sex couples, surely a clergy's presence at such a service would not constitute a violation of a bishop's gag order. It is certainly something to think about. T
Sid Hall is pastor oJ Trinity United Methodist Church in Austin, Texas (theJirst Reconciling Congregation in theSouthwest Texas Conference and the second in Texas).
Open Hands
".
Wh~nFamH),va/uesI
~
rrd ed -_ aps you read about the minis-
and his wife who died of ? Bill Walker was a devoted band, and church leader. .~er was a devoted mother, church leader. He was bie was heterosexual. He led a
e. She knew about it. He may the AIDS virus -knowingly "mgly. He probably gave it to receded him in death.
Bill's death onJuly 4, 1992, the t that he solicited others for said, "no" and I understand -~ "no's" were respected. How!-Ie light of his "outing" as a who died of AIDS, the fear ,ing spread the AIDS virus is erstandably rampant. What is derstandable, however, is the ponse, which appears to have dorni nantly one oj. examining ainst Bill ofpossible sexual misharassment,
rather than a csponse to people's fears and to death of these two people. 1
"rplorations here are not about misconduct and harassment"e their place in another dia:hat is paramount here is the f a man called to the ministry
to leadership in the local, and international church -and ng struck down by both a terease
and a terrible prejudice in
rch to which he and his wife ed their lives. . can this happen in the United
1St Church of the 1990s? We lr to look at the mixed signals
the church's official statements iple and policy and by church actions. The United Methodist rinciples state:
lOsexuals no less than hetero:
1ls are persons of sacred worth . [However] . . . homosexuality ... incompatible with Christian
. "2
,mg
an we say that a person is of worth" but "incompatible" with
1993
\.,,~,\.,'\\,,~,~,\\~~\\~~\\
by Jeremy Landau
Christian teaching? The American Psychological Association has long since removed homosexuality from the classification of deviance. Some even go so far as to say that if one is not homosexual at birth, sexuality becomes ingrained so early in life as to be unchangeable.
Yet, given the stance of our Social Principles, a call to persons to be Christians -if they happen to be homosexual -is a call for them to lie and deceive. And when one moves beyond laity to clergy; the conflict and deception is even greater. The call to ministry is considered to be to those of high moral character -character which must be validated by congregation, district, board of ordained ministry, and ultimately by the bishop and God.
Given the current stance of the church, many gay or lesbian Christians, feeling such a call, choose to maintain a secret life, knowing that not to do so would mean forever closing off the path of ministry. Some of these persons are "outed ," resulting in a denial of their call. Others, however, are found to be of high moral character and are eventually recognized by the church and ordained. Some who are ordained are found "lacking" and never achieve prominence . Others, however, achieve stature, being appointed to larger and larger congregations, and to conference commissions, national and global boards and agencies. They become district superintendents, candidates for bishop, and even bishops.
In every instance where a closeted clergy is knowingly ordained, one or more persons in the church in positions of authQrity (straight or gay) participate in the lie and deception, helping to keep their secret. And as the clergyperson rises in stature, an ever expanding circle of church leaders (straight and gay) know their secret and become accomplices in the lies and deception. The secret becomes increasingly important, fragile, and destructive.
Enter the AIDS pandemic and the duplicity of clergy and complicity of church leaders achieves life and death proportions. Closeted clergy with HIV have three choices. They can come out as a gay minister with HIV and lose everything: vocation, family, and livelihood. They can keep their disease hidden, remain isolated, continue to lead a fragmented life, and, perhaps risk the lives of others through denial. They can seek the gUidance of the church and hear the reply of church leaders, "We don't know him!"
Misplaced Values?
W hat are the values implicit in this tragic story and in this analysis? It would appear that the church places a higher value on ordination by deception than on ordination by honesty. It would also appear that preserving a heterosexual marriage at all costs, even death, is a higher value than acknowledging the diversity of orientations and viable family models. It would also appear that complicity by church authorities with another's deception is a higher value than leading the church forthrightly out of prejudice and bigotry. Finally, it would appear that examining charges of possible sexual misconduct and harassment is a higher value than a offering a compassionate ministry to the dying, the grieving, the fearful, and those who "stand at the door and knock."
Are these the values we desire within the diverse family of God? ....
IOregon-ldaho United Methodist Vol. 28, No. 2, December, 1992 and Vol. 28, No.3, Janumy/February, 1993.
2The Book of Discipline, Social Principles.
UMC, para. 71F
Jeremy Landau is Executive Director of the Rural AIDS Network in Santa Fe, New Mexico.
25
The time is now . . . we move out and on.
Whatever the structure, the clan, the language, the common dwelling the shared tools Whatever the orientation ... We are a circle of Families, connected and inter-connected.
Each is worthy, each is valuable a hearth-fire, and open do~r giving and receiving, able and enabling.
Gather the households, I say The time is now, reach out
CALL:
Gather the households; gather the households! !
embrace one another no one need go alone.
RESPONSE:
(In Unison)
We do not embrace this journey How shall we dress ourselves? What shall be our demeanor? Who rides ahead, w ho follows? What is our direction? Shall we know our way? May we travel as a family, , parent-spirits, child-spirits
and I, the seeker? Will we hunger and thirst? What of the moans and cries on every side,
the shrieking in the night? Who will carry the live coals, which of us recite the tales?
.
::::::::::I1!fwW;;'?,
(A Single Voice)
What of my fears?
Will my fetishes protect or offend?
Perhaps I'll babble at my prayers.
I'll know fatigue and weakness
on this journey to lie each evening in a strange darkness, rise each dawn in an unfamiliar place!
(In Unison)
There will be broken trails deep waters to ford,
no turning back. What shall we hope for? What shall we receive?
ASSURANCE: (In Unison)
We go as one household seeking New Earth ? Peace and Justice.
We are of this Earth -A Rainbow. We have wind, fire and Spirit. Nothing is new except ourselves,
as possibilities. Evil's masks we recognize! What have we to fear?
Take my hand, we'll go together.
This liturgy was created by Arlene Specht, a member of First Congregational Church UCC, Wilmette, Illinois for Open Hands ' Spring, 1993. It may be reprinted without permission.
26 Open Hands
(OU~,£~
G "FAMILY" e?hanie. The Way We Never Were: American Families and algia Trap. New York: BasicBooks, 1992.
-Before Christmas. 1993 video from Partners Task Force for Lesbian Couples. Sweet Corn Productions, Box 9685, SeA 98109-0685. 206/784-1519. A musical comedy about a gay and family values. anet. Confronting the Idolatry of Family: A New Vision for usehold ofGod. Nashville: Abingdon Press, 1991. Argues that Mfamily values" are too closely related to the "American In catering to the "traditional family," the church fails to
o the wider, inclusive family of God.
ns. Coming Home: Reclaiming Spirituality and Community _ ~fen and Lesbians. San Francisco: Harper & Row, 1990. The 5 family, benefiting from gay/lesbian spirituality and minisarrie,
Ed., with Marilyn Yalom. Rethinking the Family, Rev. ew York: Longman, 1982. Essays from the perspectives of academic disciplines.
Harriett. Family Secrets. Reading, MA Addison-Wesley PubCo., 1991. Discusses the emotional fallout when families secrets. Includes chapter on gay parents. 'ath. Families We Choose: Lesbian, Gays, Kinship. New York:
bia University Press, 1991. A look at the families lesbians and en create with friends, lovers, and children, and maintain with es of origin.
~.w~I"'n I BISEXUAL I GAY FAMILIES
.arriet, Ed. We Are Everywhere: Writings By and About Lesbian "Its. Freedom, CA Crossing Press, 1988. Essays from varied . ethnic groups, geographic areas, and ages.
rederick W., Ed. Children of Gay and Lesbian Parents. New Praeger, 1987. Includes the same-sex stepparent family and e mixed-orientation marriages.
p Uean Chang, Ed.). The Final Closet: The Gay Parents' Guide Coming Out, Rev. Ed. North Miami, Fl: Editech Press, 1990. ng out to children of all ages.
....esbian Parents Coalition International (GLPCI). Bibliography ays and lesbians and their families. Order from the Washington ress below for $5 and SASE.
, Susan E. Staying Power: Long Term Lesbian Couples. Tallasee, Fl: Naiad Press, 1990. A study of 108 couples. Describes port systems to help with children and families. e. Loralee, Ed. There's Something I've Been Meaning to Tell You: Anthology About Lesbians and Gay Men Coming Out to Their ldren. Tallahassee, Fl: Naiad Press, 1989. By parents of varied
grounds and situations.
,john Ed. A Member of the Family: Gay Men Write About Their ilies . New York: Dutton, 1992.
ng 1993
Rafkin, Louise, Ed. Different Mothers: Sons and Daughters of Lesbians Talk About Their Lives. Pittsburgh: Cleis Press, 1990. Stories of more than 30 children of several ages and cultural backgrounds.
THE COUPLE AND HOLY UNIONS
Sherman, Suzanne, Ed. Lesbian and Gay Marriage: Private Commitments, Public Ceremonies. Philadelphia: Temple University Press, 1992. A collection of stories of lesbian and gay couples and their choices about ceremonies.
Uhrig, Larry J. The Two ofUs: Affirming, Celebrating, and Symbolizing Gay and Lesbian Relationships. Boston: Alyson Publications, 1984.
Williams, Robert. "Toward a Theology for Lesbian and Gay Marriage." The Anglican Theological Review, vol. LXXII, no.2, Spring 1990.
FOR CHILDREN AND YOUTH
Alyson, Sasha, Ed. Young, Gay & Proud! Rev. Ed. Boston: Alyson Publications, 1991. For gay and lesbian teenagers.
Elwin, Rosamund. Asha's Mums. New York: Women's Press, 1990.
GLPCl. Annotated bibliography (Spring 1993 update) of 75 picture books of gay/lesbian families, for age 11 and under. Order from the Washington address below for $1 and SASE.
GLPCl. Just For Us Newsletter. By, for, and about the daughters and sons of lesbians and gay men. Free, with suggested donation of $5. Order from 3023 North Clark, Box 121, Chicago, IL60657.
Newman, Leslea. Gloria Goes to Gay Pride and Heather Has Two Mommies. (Both) Boston: Alyson Publications, 1991.
Willhoite, Michael. Daddy's Roommate. Boston: Alyson Publications, 1990.
FOR RELATIVES
Buxton, Amity Pierce. The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight Spouses. Santa Monica, CA lBS Press, 1991. Based on five years of research and interviews with 450 men and women whose wives or husbands came out.
Rafkin, Louise, Ed . Different Daughters: A Book by Mothers of Lesbians. Pittsburgh: Cleis Press, 1987. Examines the perpetual questions of family, community, and more.
OTHER RESOURCES
GLPCI Network. Newsletter of the Gay & Lesbian Parents Coalition International. Box 50360, Washington, DC 20091. 202/583-8029.
"Images of Family." Open Hands . Fall 1989. Order from RCP, 3801 N . Keeler, Chicago, IL 60641
The Lesbian and Gay National Family Registry. Human Rights Campaign Fund, 1Ol2 14th. St., NW, 6th Fl., Washington, DC 20002.
Parents FLAG, P.O. Box 27605, Central Station, Washington, D.C . 20038.
Compiled by Caroline Presnell, member of Open Hands Advisory Committee. With thanks to Women & Children First Bookstore in Chicago and Northwestern University Library in Evanston, Illinois .
27
Broadway United Church of Christ ans and Gays (P-FLAG) chapter, and is
Welcome New Churches
Our welcoming movement continues to expand -now more than 300 churches strong! Here are profiles of the congregations that jOined our welcoming movement this winter.
~T."'.TJI
r..••T••~
OPEN
----m-MJ~~
J!~ ~
~T."'.TJI "T.T••~
[
OPEN AND AFFIRMING
United Church of Gainesville Gainesville, Florida
Located in a community of 90,000 which is home to the University of Florida, this 450-member congregation is committed to activities which strengthen its inner life and its outreach. A highlight of the spring was the annual "All Church Retreat" which involved 300 members of all ages. The church is also involved in a Habitat for Humanity building project and hosts a number of human rights-related groups including a monthly potluck supper for gay, lesbian, and bisexual folks.
First Congregational Church Pasadena, California
A downtown church in suburban Los Angeles, this congregation of 350 is in a five-floor building that exceeds its current need for space. This is, therefore, a challenging and exciting time for the church as it decides about alternatives to its present building and location. The church is currently developing "growth groups" that offer prayer, Bible study, and reflection on spirituality and daily living. Members of the congregation are active in gay and lesbian activities of the UCC in southern California and the church has a gay / lesbian support group.
NewYork, New York
This "church without walls" meets at St. Michael's Episcopal Church in the middle of Manhattan. The 100member congregation is diverse in language, race, and profession. Christian education precedes and a supper follows worship at 5 P.M. on Sundays. This is a good hour for artists, performers, and others who may have had a late Saturday evening!
First Church of Christ Congregational Middletown, Connecticut
This mid-sized church in a small city is engaged in numerous exciting programs including building relationships with area African-American congregations, participating in interfaith dialogues, and serving Sunday evening dinner for a local soup kitchen. Two groups meeting at the church and involving church members are an AIDS buddy network and a support group for gay youth.
Belleville Congregational Church Newburyport, Massachusetts
A generally open, liberal church of 100 members, this congregation includes people of all ages and has an active church school program. Its building is used often by a variety of community groups and the church itself is currently focusing on its ministry of caring, with particular attention to work with the elderly.
Shalom United Church of Christ Richland, Washington
Located in the southeast corner of Washington, this is a 125-member congregation with a "suburban feel." There are many professional people in the church, a number of them scientists and engineers. Recent building renovation is cause for excitement -especially the newly remodeled kitchen. The building welcomes a number of groups, including a Parents and Friends of Lesbione of four outlets for the "Stonewall News Spokane," the gay newspaper of eastern Washington.
Plymouth United Church of Christ Oakland, California
This 85-member, urban church has been focusing on receiving "a new heart and new spirit" as its explores its vision of covenant and mission. Out of this faith exploration has come new forms of worship, a commitment to being a creation/earth-centered community, and new, exciting programs, including a children's learning center. Peace UCC, a congregation with a largely gay, lesbian, and bisexual membership, has been given meeting space at Plymouth for several years.
Sayville Congregation UCC Sayville, NewYork
A middle-class, suburban church of 350 members, this congregation is being energized by rediscovering the depths of Christian faith, its power in members' lives, and its call for connections between spirituality and justice. The church is involved in a number of mission efforts including a housing initiative -buying property to be used for low-income housing. Among the many opportunities for growth and support is a social group for gay, lesbian, and bisexual folks and their friends.
[RECONCILED IN CHRIST]
Reformation Lutheran Church Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Reformation adopted the Affirmation of Welcome at the encouragement of the Greater Milwaukee Synod and its bishop. The congregation arranged for a lengthy series of forums, discussions
28 Open Hands
-hlOPS for the congregation, cour-week study of sexual'outh group. The issue was er or not to be welcoming, "nd of public stance of affirneeded.
Shepherd of the Hills r~"Church
ifornia
ongregation calls itself the ~.;.L>'ullling Place on the Hill," and . he Affirmation of Welcome at ~. congregational meeting this ongregation has always been .g and has an openly gay memelt that a public statement was . -being the Welcoming Place Hill means reaching out with 'e to all people who might feel e from the church due to painexperiences.
a IC issue was initiated and car:ward by the congregation's
od.~12~ical school after visiting an RIC ation in St. Paul. The first RIC ation in Iowa, Lord of Life ,. claims a history of openness dusivity. The congregation also ,. supported the city of Ames
a period of public upset after . added sexual orientation to its '-'.....IUJ:>\...rimination policy. rk's Lutheran Church City, Missouri
_.larks' Pastor Conrad said that ng the Affirmation of Welcome ~ at all a difficult issue. Welcom-bian and gay people into the ~=---~ation is a fact of life here." The ar-old congregation felt that makpublic statement of welcome was port ant way of promoting the egation's diversity and inclusivity.
nChurch of Honolulu ulu, Hawaii
theran Church of Honolulu mem"ere moved by their experiences openly gay seminary intern Bill sh last year to begin working for _.:e for lesbian and gay people in the
ng 1993
larger church as well as in their own congregation. (Last year LCH kept its commitment to provide Kunish with an internship even after the seminarian was expelled by the ELCA following preaching a gay-positive sermon at his home congregation in Michigan.) LCH is the first welcoming congregation in Hawaii!
Trinity Lutheran Church
Long Beach, California
Trinity has long had a mission statement which includes a statement of welcome to all people, including lesbian and gay people. In keeping with this, the church council adopted the Affirmation of Welcome this year and has requested recognition as an RIC congregation.
[~-T~
RECONCILING CONGREGAnON
Lake Merritt U.M.Church
Oakland, California
Lake Merritt is one of the most diverse congregations in the Bay Area of California with its 350 members tracing their heritage to at least sixteen different countries and nationalities. The congregation has made spiritual growth its focus for the past ten years. Lake Merritt takes great pride in its music ministry and also sponsors a hunger project, multiple 12-step programs, and a grief group. Six years ago the congregation became a "Welcoming Faith" congregation to join a local program welcoming lesbians and gay men and encouraging HIV/ AIDS ministries.
Glide Memorial U.M. Church
San Francisco, California
Glide is "San Francisco's largest urban center" which provides help to the homeless, the poor, and the disenfranchised by serving over 3,300 meals every day, · providing a crisis center for people in need, and programs for persons with substance abuse and persons with HIV / AIDS . The Rev. Cecil Williams is celebrating his 30th year of ministry at this thriving urban Christian community which welcomed over 800 new members last year and has a total membership of about 5,000 persons.
The roots of the gay/lesbian Christian movement can be traced to Glide. In 1964, a consultation with thirty church leaders and gay men and lesbians at Glide resulted in the founding of the Council on Religion and the Homosexual, the pioneer organization on lesbian/gay concerns in the church.
Welcoming and Affirming Baptists
Our ecumenical movement welcoming gay, lesbian, and bisexual persons continues to expand with the addition of the Association of Welcoming and Affirming Baptists. The association is a national network of individuals, groups, and congregations that welcome and affirm lesbian, gay, and bisexual persons.
Welcoming and Affirming Baptists began in March, 1992, in response to a resolution passed by the General Board of the American Baptist Church, USA, that stated: "we affirm that the practice of homosexuality is incompatible with Christian teaching." Fifteen congregations and agencies have joined the Association of Welcoming and Affirming Baptists in its first year.
For more information, write to: Association of Welcoming and Affirming Baptists, P.O. Box 2596, Attleboro Falls, MA 02763.
Empowering Youth
Over the past year, both the United Church Coalition for Lesbian/ Gay Concerns (UCCL/GC) and the Reconciling Congregation Program (RCP) have begun to integrate the concerns of youth and young adults into our welcoming movement. In October 1992, the UCCL/ GC hired Gregory Anderson as Coordi29
nator of Outreach to Youth and Young Adults. In February 1993, the first meeting of the RCP's Youth/Young Adult Task Force (YYATF) was held in conjunction with the RCP board of directors' meeting.
In recent months, the two groups have been working to bring the issues of sexual orientation and youth/young adults to the forefront in our churches as well as in the larger social arena. Anderson was involved in planning the Youth Empowerment Speakout at the National March onWashington in April. Both the UCCl/GC and the RCP helped resource this event and learned how the church can better support lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth.
The U CCl / GC and RCP also are resourcing various local churches and judicatories on youth/young adult concerns. Anderson has participated in youth events in Minnesota, Massachusetts, New York, and Kansas. The RCP was present at a United Methodist Youth and Violence Conference at the end of April.
Creating a bibliography/resource list for youth on sexuality and sexual orientation is a priority for both groups. The UCCL/GC has begun to put together such a listing and seeks assistance to develop and make this resource available to youth and churches. You can send ideas or suggestions to the UCCl/GC Youth and Young Adult Outreach Program, 69 Monadnock Road, Worcester, MA 01609 or call 508/ 755-0005.
The RCP also hopes to begin providing more resourcing for campus ministries. The Wesley Foundation serving UCLA became the first reconciling campus ministry last fall and several other campus ministries have expressed interest in the RCP. The RCP's YYATF seeks to be more supportive of this specialized ministry as well as to bring the conCerns of sexual orientation to the forefront on college campuses.
In order to move closer to its vision of having active involvement and voices of youth in the Reconciling Congregation movement, the YYATF is actively encouraging youth participation in the RCP convocation in July. Special youth programming will be offered as well as forums on how youth can work directly with the RCP, both locally and nationally.
Open Hands is also committed to keeping the concerns of lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth before welcoming churches. As congregations struggle with what it means to be open and welcoming, it is vital that youth and young adults be a part of this process. Open Hands is committed to providing youth and young adults with a voice. Any youth who are interested in writing for Open Hands are encouraged to contact the RCP/Open Hands' office.
Persons interested in being involved with these ministries with youth and young adults can contact Anderson at the address/phone above or the RCP office.
New ONA Resources
The United Church Coalition for lesbian/Gay Concerns (UCCl/ GC) plans to present two new resources to the General Synod in July. The first, UPDATE '93, will provide information about the Open and Affirming (ONA) experience of sixty UCC churches. These churches responded to a fourpage survey that asked questions about the ONA process, how they keep their commitment meaningful and visible, what effect being ONA has had on their membership, and much more!
The second packet being developed will offer materials about same-sex covenant services. As currently planned, it will include theological background, sample practical suggestions (from what to wear to alternative terms for "maid of honor"). A bibliography will also be provided.
Funding for both of these publications is provided by a grant from the United Church Board for Homeland Ministries, Division of American Missionary Association. The grant enables UCCl/GC to update current ONA resources, develop 'new ones and share ideas and programs among congregations that have declared themselves "ONA"
The resources will be showcased at a display booth shared by the Open and Affirming programs of the UCC (ONA) and the Disciples of Christ (O&A) at the joint national meetings of these two denominations in St. louis
The Reconciling Congregation Program board's campaign to raise $40,000 to support the program's ministries in fiscal year 1993-94 is
I
I I I • very close to its goal in the waning days of the campaign.
As onate April, a total of $37,820 had been pledged by 107 RCP Angels (persons pledging $100+ for the year). These pledges break down in these ranges:
63 persons pledging $100-249 20 persons pledging $250-499 14 persons pledging $500-999 10 persons pledging $1,000+
Rep FRIEND. Rep ANGEL. Rep FRIEND. Rep ANGEL
.
I • I
Open Hands
Rep FRIEND. Rep ANGEL. Rep FRIEND. Rep ANGEL
Rep Angels -Almost There!
With contacts yet to be made with several prospective Angels, RCP treasurer Morris Floyd was confident that the $40,000 goal would be attained. "The board is most gratified by this expression of support for our national ministries," Floyd noted. "This strong base of financial support will enable us to continue to expand our outreach ministries."
Ifyou were not contacted by an Rep board member about becoming an RCP Angel, but would like to do so, call the RCP office for information (312/736-5526).
30
" 15-20. The booth will offer
es and buttons and preview a f the aNA video, AJourney of me twelve thousand people ted to attend this event. g the joint banquet of the
GC and the Gay, Lesbian and
.. g Disciples Alliance, more than al churches that have recently aNA and O&'A will be recogd celebrated.
rice and order information, con.':'A resources, P.O. Box 403, ~1A 01520. Urge Moving the ed Methodist General
e signatures of over 2500 United dists from thirty-six states and :strict of Columbia were collected petition asking that The United dist Church (UMC) move its General Conference from the city m'er, Colorado. The petition dees
the move as a "Witness Against irnination" in response to the pasof Colorado's Amendment 2 in .':'ovember's election (see Winter
Open Hands ).
Copies of the Signed petitions were rded to the UMCs Commission e::eral Conference and the Counhops for consideration at their
---;,.,°5 in late spring/early summer. do United Methodists Against ~.s...-nrnination, organizer of the petiis comprised of Colorado ~~:: people and was formed .. following the November oup sees a national, pub'he UMC as "a powerful
-·tness against the oppresnalization and injustice emAmendment 2." In its letter .shops and commission, the otes that it is not advocating a church boycott of Colorado, smgle act of conscience showing
ra! solidarity with those who are pressed." ~1any Reconciling Congregations re instrumental in distributing petis
and collecting signatures.
'-pring 1993
... ..".....
~ ~
PUBLIC POLICY ALERT
President Clinton set a July 15th deadline for announcing a plan regarding lifting the ban on gays in the military So we can anticipate that the concerns of lesbian, gay, and bisexual persons will be prominent in the national public forum again this summer. You can let your voice be heard on this and/or other public policy issues by contacting:
White House .......................... 202/456-1111
Pentagon ................................. 703/697-5737
Capitol Switchboard .... ......... 202/224-3121
~
~
Reconciling Pastors' Action Network Formed
The Reconciling Congregation Program has launched a new Reconciling Pastors' Action Network (RPAN) to advocate the full inclusion of lesbian, gay, and bisexual persons within the United Methodist Church (UMC).
RPAN offers the opportunity for United Methodist church professionals who are not in Reconciling Congregations (RCs) to publicly identify with the growing RC movement. RPAN will be a network of activists confronting homophobia within the UMC and advocating the removal of all bars to full participation of lesbian, gay, and bisexual persons.
I
A Reconciling Pastor commits to: 1) Witness, in word and deed, to the
full inclusion of lesbian, gay, and
bisexual persons in the UMC, including
the right to all pastoral services
and to ordination; 2) Provide pastoral services to lesbian, gay, and bisexual persons, personally and/ or through referral; and 3) Cultivate the emergence of new Reconciling
Congregations.
The spark to initiate RPAN came during the February meeting of the RCP board of directors as a response to reports of United Methodist pastors being threatened or reprimanded for
""
carrying out ministries with lesbians and gay men.
Persons wanting information about RPAN should contact the RCP office (312/736-5526).
The
Third National COJM>Cation of Reconciling Congregations Borneon the Breath of ,god Remembering· Renewing Reforming· Returning July 8-11, 1993 GeorgeWashington University Washington, D.C.
31
UCCUGC &,~LAD Nationa..1~athering
The <N;It10nal Gathering« 13 of the United 'Church .,Coalition for Lesbian/Gay Concerns and the annual meeting 9f the Gay, Lesbian and Affirming Disciples Alliance will take place in mid-July at Washington 'University in St. L9uis. With the theme, "Unity and Diversity: Gifts to Celebrate, Obstacles to Overcome," this year's program will explore the dynamics of prejudice with emphasis on ra~ism~i;?e~ism, ableisffi"ind homophobia. As always there will be lots of tim~ for\vorship, conversation and furi! For information, call the national UCCL/GC office .at 614/593-7301.
New Resource on Gay Youth Suicide
The Lazarus Project in Hollywood, CA has a new educational video available: Scared to Death: Gay Youth Suidde, The video conveys actual stories by lesbians and gay men of experiences they had during adolescence dealing with thoughts of and attempts at committing suicide. The video also includes a mother's story of her son's death.
Scared to Death was created by the Lazarus Project, a ministry of reconciliation empowering gay, lesbian, bisexual, and heterosexual Christians to love one another. One goal is to send a message to gay youth that they are not alone in dealing with problems of sexual orientation.
A
well-known Evangelical feminist shares the story of her own journey to greater spiritual awareness. "I have always found V irginia one of the most irenic and spiritually reconciling voices in the feminist movement. Virginia shares with us the deepest secrets of her striving to be one with the Spirit. The "Almost 40 percent of all youth suicides are gay related," says the Reverend Peg Beissert, Director of The Lazarus Project. "We are killing our children with bigotry." The 29-minute video is available for $20 plus $3 for mailing. Order from The Lazarus Project, 7350 Sunset Blvd., Hollywood, CA 90046 or call 213/ 8746646. A Bi-tlonthly SourceLetter • Liturgies • Children's Sermons • Youth!Adult Workshop PO. Box 2374 Boulder, CO 80306 303/666-8322
chapters dealing with reconciliation and forgiving one's enemy
will, I believe, become spiritual classics:' -JOHN]. McNEILL, author of Taking a Chance on God: Liberating Theology for Gays
"Virginia Ramey Mollenkott, trusted and beloved evangelical lesbian feminist, builds new bridges of intellect, spirit and psyche, helping everyone cross over from oppression to liberation:' -MARY E. HUNT,
author of Fierce Tenderness: A Feminist Theology of Friendship
$12.95 paper
At bookstores or call 1-800-937-5557
£ROSSROAD
370 Lexington Avenue, New York, NY 10017
& Group Ideas
•
Lectionary Notes
•
Christian Year Seasonal Ideas
All focused on heterosexism issues
Sample Copy $4 Subscription $18
32 Open Hands