Anonymous (From a Gay Married Minister in His Late 50's)

ANONYMOUS

From a gay married minister in his late 50's who daily lives with the pain that comes from knowing how people would feel about me if they knew my thoughts and longings, and who shares the pain of his gay and lesbian brothers and sisters who long to be ordained because he knows how much greater his pain might have been if he had been born 20 or 30 years later.

This anonymous stole has always held a tender place in my heart.

The message on this anonymous stole has seemed confusing to some who ask, "Why would his pain be greater now, at a time when there is so much more support for gay people of faith, than it would have been years ago?"  Although my knowledge of this anonymous pastor is limited, my understanding is that when he entered seminary, probably around 1960 (he would now be close to 70 years old), virtually no one was "out" in the life of the church.  The subject of homosexuality was not raised except in negative ways; even whispered rumors could be enough to ruin a promising career in the church.  At that time, the only path he probably felt he could take was to stay in the closet, to marry and to keep his sexual orientation deeply hidden away. 

Although the pain and loneliness of a closeted life is palpable in his brief narrative, nevertheless he was able to follow his call, to be ordained and have a fulfilling ministry.  Had he been born much later, in an era when young people are much freer to come out, many while still in high school, and issues of sexual orientation and gender identity are discussed openly, he might have made different choices.  It is possible that he would have been in a supportive enough environment to come out -- before he was married, and before he made the decision to attend seminary.  While one deep pain surely would have been lifted, others would have been present, since his coming out would keep him from the ministry that has meant so much to him.

It is difficult for some to walk in this man's shoes.  Many people who read his story have never known a time without Ellen DeGeneres or Will and Grace.  Certainly it is hard for any of us to recall a time when issues of sexuality were not a constant part of church debate.  To some, then, these "what ifs" might seem pointless.  To a gay man of 70, though, who from his lonely place of hiding has watched the world change at a dizzying speed , the "if onlys" must loom large.

I have always been grateful that this fellow pilgrim chose to share a bit of his story with us.  As one who spent the first fifteen years of her ministry in the closet, I know that place of pain, too.  Someday I hope that the church will repent of the sinful oppression it has wrought upon this unnamed gay man and on so many, many others.  In the meantime, I will give thanks for his good ministry, his service to God and to the church that he loves.  And I will pray that he knows without doubt that God loves and cherishes him unconditionally!

Martha Juillerat
Founder, Shower of Stoles Project
2006