Open Hands Vol 12 No 1 - Airing Out Closets

Open Hands Vol 12 No 1 - Airing Out Closets

12

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1996

Summer

Vol. 12 No. 1
Summer 1996
2 Open Hands
Vol. 12 No. 1 Summer 1996
Resources for Ministries Affirming
the Diversity of Human Sexuality
AIRING OUT CLOSETS
LOOKING CLOSER
What Is a Closet? 4
TIMOTHY TUTT
A “walk-in” becomes a “storeroom.”
Peeking Out 6
GAYE JANESDAUGHTER
Coming out is a long process, influenced by others.
Coming Out! 7
ERWIN C. BARRON
That dancing figure for Coming Out Day scares us!
Trouble Behind the Door 8
LEANNE M. TIGERT
Closets cause spiritual and psychological violence.
SEEING BOTH SIDES
Closeted Mom: A Sign of Respect 10
ANONYMOUS
This mom wants to be more “out” than her gay son.
Confession: A Male – Age 80 – 1996 12
WILLIAM N. WINGSTROM
No one pushed him. No one encouraged him.
Reconciling Janet 13
JANET JACOBS HUEBSCH
She lost contact with her best friend but a welcoming
church brought forth a special kind of reconciliation.
A Married Gay Pastor Stays In 14
JACOB GUERDON BLACK
Four dilemmas confront this pastor.
A Father’s Legacy 15
SARA DAVIES
A college student reflects on her journey with her Dad.
Open Hands is a resource for congregations
and individuals seeking to be in
ministry with lesbian, bisexual, and gay
persons. Each issue focuses on a specific
area of concern within the church.
Open Hands is published quarterly by
the Reconciling Congregation Program,
Inc. (United Methodist) in cooperation
with the Association of Welcoming &
Affirming Baptists (American), the More
Light Churches Network (Presbyterian),
the Open and Affirming (United Church
of Christ), and the Reconciled in Christ
(Lutheran) programs. Each of these programs
is a national network of local
churches that publicly affirm their ministry
with the whole family of God and
welcome lesbian and gay persons and
their families into their community of
faith. These five programs— along with
Open and Affirming (Disciples of
Christ), Supportive Congregations
(Brethren/Mennonite), and Welcoming
(Unitarian Universalist)— offer hope
that the church can be a reconciled community.
Open Hands is published quarterly.
Subscription is $20 for four issues ($25
outside the U.S.). Single copies and back
issues are $6. Quantities of 10 or more,
$4 each.
Subscriptions, letters to the editor,
manuscripts, requests for advertising
rates, and other correspondence should
be sent to:
Open Hands
3801 N. Keeler Avenue
Chicago, IL 60641
Phone: 312 / 736-5526
Fax: 312 / 736-5475
(New area code as of Oct. 12: 773)
Member, The Associated Church Press
© 1996
Reconciling Congregation Program, Inc.
Open Hands is a registered trademark.
ISSN 0888-8833
w Printed on recycled paper.
Summer 1996 3
SWINGING OPEN
God’s Promise 16
RANDY HOUSTON
A double coming out—as gay and as HIV+—sets him free.
God’s Coming Out...In a New Reformation! 18
GEORGE D. MCCLAIN
Where we’ve been and where we’re headed.
Working as Allies: Opening Church Doors 20
BETTY JO BIRKHAHN-ROMMELFANGER
Pastor/local church ally with gay men and lesbians.
Allies Inside Closed Doors 22
PAUL SANTILLÁN
Leaders have permission to break locks, take off hinges.
Breaking Silence 23
BARBARA MCFADDEN
A straight spouse comes out.
Airing Out Spouses’ Closets 24
DONALD W. SINCLAIR
A pastor in PFLAG starts a straight spouses’ group.
Tips 26
ANITA C. HILL AND SUSAN L. THORTON
Someone has come out in your congregation—now what?
You want to come out to a search committee—how?
SUSTAINING THE SPIRIT
“Amazing Grace” (New Words) 27
JUDY FJELL
Publisher
Mark Bowman
Editor
Mary Jo Osterman
Illustrations
Mark Schnaderbeck
Layout / Graphics / Typesetting
In Print – Jan Graves
Program Coordinators
Mark Bowman
Reconciling Congregation
Program, Inc. (UMC)
3801 N. Keeler Avenue
Chicago, IL 60641
312/736-5526
773/736-5526 (Oct. 12)
Ann B. Day
Open and Affirming
Program (UCC)
P.O. Box 403
Holden, MA 01520
508/856-9316
Bob Gibeling
Reconciled in Christ
Program (Lutheran)
2466 Sharondale Drive
Atlanta, GA 30305
404/266-9615
Dick Lundy
More Light Churches
Network (PCUSA)
5525 Timber Lane
Excelsior, MN 55331
612/470-0093
Brenda J. Moulton
Welcoming & Affirming
Baptists (ABC/USA)
P.O. Box 2596
Attleboro Falls, MA 02763
508/226-1945
Editorial Advisory Committee
Howard Bess, W&A
Ann Marie Coleman, ONA
Dan Hooper, RIC
Derrick Kikuchi, MLCN
Tammy Lindahl, MLCN
Samuel E. Loliger, ONA
Tim Phillips, W&A
Dick Poole, RIC
Caroline Presnell, RCP
Irma C. Romero, ONA
Paul Santillán, RCP
Joanne Sizoo, MLCN
Stuart Wright, RIC
Next Issue:
Gender Realities
Transgender
and
Transsexual Stories
ASIDES
In ............................................ 5
S. WARD
Out ......................................... 5
STINA POPE
In Exchange for Silence ......... 11
KAREN A. MCCLINTOCK
Loving Faithfully .................... 12
RITA NAKASHIMA BROCK
Out ....................................... 15
KAREN A. MCCLINTOCK
No Outing/No Silencing! ...... 17
MARTHA L. OLNEY
Opening Spousal Closets ...... 23
RESOURCES
Family Closets ....................... 24
MITZI HENDERSON
Straight Spouses Need .......... 25
PFLAG/HOUSTON
SELECTED
RESOURCES
28
MOVEMENT
NEWS
29
4 Open Hands
It’s a simple question. What is a
closet? As a third grade teacher, I can
imagine the answers I would get if I
were to ask my students.
“It’s where you put your clothes.”
“It’s where I stuff things when I
have to clean my room.”
“My closet is the messiest room
in the house!”
“I hide things there so nobody will
ever find them!”
“Yeah, I keep things from my nosy
brother and sister in my closet!”
After hearing all those responses, the
teacher in me would have said, “Well,
those are all wonderful thoughts, and
thanks so much for being open enough
to share them with all of us!”
General Dimensions
Now, I have some questions for us
to ponder: What is a closet for the
lesbian, gay, transgendered, or bisexual
person? What is a closet for their friends
and family? What is a closet for a church
congregation? I suggest that the answers
to these questions are nearly the same
as the children might give.
“It’s where things are put that
aren’t needed for the moment.”
“It’s where things are quickly
stashed when someone demands
‘cleaning up’.”
“It can also be a cluttered place.”
“Some might even want to ‘clean’
it for you...”
“Things are hidden there for no
one to see.”
“Things are hidden there in fear
of others who might be overly ‘curious’.”
Almost every dwelling has some sort
of closet—and many of us and our
churches have them too.
Personal “Walk-In”
I started building my closet nearly
thirty years ago as a four-year-old, sitting
on a porch with my God-fearing
grandmother in Kentucky, when I mentioned
that I loved my best friend, Greg.
“You can’t do that,” she responded.
“But you said that God wants us
to love everybody...”
“This is different. You’re not supposed
to love other boys.”
From that point on, my closet became
so big and cared for that I even
chose to live in it. As I grew up, I was
strengthened (and callused) from racial
By Timothy Tutt
Summer 1996 5
experiences and I learned to create a
voice as a black male in a predominately
white Iowan society. Yet, at the same
time, I was weakened from hearing
“sissy” and “homo” at school and in the
neighborhood. Just hearing those words
instilled fear in me, even if they were
directed at someone else.
I was also weakened from hearing at
church, time and time again, about the
fire and brimstone that awaited homosexuals,
and from listening to some of
the youth from my church brag about
going downtown to “save queers”—
which amounted to driving by and
shouting barbs as they passed by.
I was weakened by my mother’s longing
desire for her only son to marry (a
woman) and bear her grandchildren.
During all of this, I knew that I had
homosexual thoughts and feelings but
I also figured that, if I stored them in
my huge, “walk-in” closet, they would
either be forgotten or the heterosexual
“moths” that I was trying to gather
would gnaw away at them until those
thoughts and feelings withered away.
Then I had another problem—my
closet was getting full. In the summer
of 1985, I decided that instead of ripping
out more of myself to create additional
closet space, I could put some of
the many items that I stored there to
good use.
That’s when I became strengthened
(and callused) from experiences dealing
with sexual orientation and I learned to
create a voice as a gay black male in a
predominately straight white Iowan society.
I also found a new church home
after hearing that The United Church
of Christ had just passed a resolution
affirming gay and lesbian people at their
synod nearby in Ames. I wanted to attend
a church where I could freely worship
God in the sanctuary, not the closet.
Today, my closet is a room where I
store things at certain times. I’m fortunate
to teach in a district that includes
“sexual orientation” in its fairness
policy. I attend an Open and Affirming
church. (And I’m proud to have played
a small role in creating both of those
environments.) While my pride and selfesteem
are pretty good, I still feel the
need to use my closet to store those personal
things when I do not feel it is safe
to have them on display. For example,
at times my openness and concern—especially
for youth—is construed by some
as intimidation and “recruitment.” I also
use my closet when I sense that my primary
concerns will get lost in the clouds
of someone else’s misunderstanding.
Yes, I have a closet. However, I refuse
to go back to the days when my closet
was a place of residence and denial. I
am an “open and out” gay man. I have
spoken to hundreds in panel discussions.
I have been interviewed and pictured
in newspapers after marching in
pride parades. I have set up tables for
the United Church Coalition of Lesbian/
Gay Concerns at the annual state meeting
of the United Church of Christ and
have spoken at general sessions and
workshops there. My friendships are
defined by the openness I am allowed
to display. If I sense discomfort about
my sexual orientation (or any other aspect
of my life, for that matter) from
another person that I’m getting know,
that person will be nothing more than
an “acquaintance” or “colleague.”
In
...I lived in a room where I had
no perception of any windows or
doors. For most of my life, I had
no sense that there was anything
outside of the room. Much of the
time I was quite content, or so I
thought. I was able to be relatively
productive and I had friends who
lived with me in the room. We
would sometimes remark that we
were so happy to be in the room
together. Wasn’t life grand here.
It was wonderful... and yet, it
wasn’t....
Sometimes I would dream...
colors... flashes of light... nothing
that really made sense... a crazy
notion would come that there was
something more or different than
life in this room....
—S. Ward
From “Living Between the Times”
Unpublished article © 1991
Individualized Rooms
So what is a closet? To me, a closet is
a room of personal convenience,
storage, and safety, not only for our valuables,
but for our valuable selves. However,
the meaning of “closet” is as personal
and individualized as all of us. In
this issue, people will share their experiences
of how “the closet” has played a
role in their individual and congregational
lives. To these writers, the thirdgrade
teacher once again responds,
“Well, those are all wonderful thoughts,
and thanks so much for being open
enough to share them with all of us!” ▼
Timothy Tutt is a
member of the Coalition
Council for the
United Church Coalition
for Lesbian and
Gay Concerns of The
United Church of
Christ. He resides in
Des Moines, Iowa, where he teaches third
grade and attends Plymouth Congregational,
an ONA church.
Out
Why be out as pastor? I choose
not to live in fear. I don’t have to
worry about anyone outing me to
my boss, congregation, or bishop.
I don’t have to spend the energy
to keep the closet door closed. I
am free to rejoice about who I am.
Which leads me to integrity. I value
truth-telling. I understand falsehood
as sin, sometimes necessary
in our fallen world but always evil.
Jesus told us that the truth would
set us free. When I choose to
“pass” as straight, I engage in
falsehood, in evil. I do not value
who and what I am. I buy in to
the radical right’s claim that we
are something that should not
exist, at least not in the light. I
claim the light.
Stina Pope, M.Div., is the assistant
for mission and evangelism at St.
Bartholomew’s Episcopal Church
in Atlanta, Georgia.
6 Open Hands
When non-gays use the term
“coming out of the closet,”
it sounds like one step:
someone was IN the closet and then she
came OUT. Simple. And maybe it is that
simple for some—but for most people I
know, coming out is not a debutante
ball that family and friends celebrate
with you. It is a process that is as different
and unique as the individuals involved.
My own coming out has been a
“peeking out of the closet” process. I
am “out” to a few, not to many. I test
the atmosphere before I dare to poke my
head out. My first gay pride march in
New York City emboldened me a bit.
Then my next gay pride march in Washington,
D.C. gave me more courage. Part
of my hesitation has been my own timidity;
part, in the past, was to respect
the wishes of my young sons. Nowadays
I need to protect my partner.
I have been a single parent since 1974,
the year my second son was born. I came
Peekiing
Outt
By Gaye Janesdaughter
When I started graduate social work
school two years ago, I peeked out of
the closet a bit more and formed the first
lesbian and gay support group on the
college campus. That was pretty out!
Now, however, at my new job I’m still
only out to some because my partner is
known in the business community. To
“out” her would seriously jeopardize her
job.
I was brought up by my grandmother
who was the daughter of a Presbyterian
minister. In church I was taught that
Jesus was the “light of the world” which
shone on all the darkness and brought
forth the truth, the hope, and the healing
in this world. May the light of Jesus
shine in every dark and lonely gay closet
and may each gay person feel free to
come out when she or he is ready, in
her or his own unique way. ▼
Gaye Janesdaughter is the pseudonym of
a woman who wrote the poem “Bigot-Trees
or Nature’s Way” (see Open Hands, Winter
1996). She reports that the Episcopalian
priest who inspired that poem in 1990
has, in 1996, welcomed her into his family
as the godmother of his twin girls. A
redemptive moment!
out to myself in 1985 when my sons were
eleven and twelve. They didn’t want me
to be “out” in the community, fearing
ridicule. Their fears were somewhat justified.
When a fellow student’s sister appeared
on Donahue as a lesbian, that
student was ridiculed and harassed terribly
in my sons’ school. When my kids
were thirteen and fourteen, I met my
present partner, whom they both liked
and respected.
My life changed dramatically in 1992
when my younger son died at age eighteen.
Having lost a child has put life’s
problems in a different perspective for
me. I am no longer as timid about being
out as I used to be. For instance, no
one can scare me with threats of death.
I’m happy to be alive, but since I have
someone to see on the other side, I think
I’ll be happy there, too. My older son,
now twenty-three and a college graduate,
says he would never even date a
woman, much less marry her, if she
didn’t accept my sexual orientation.
Summer 1996 7
room within my soul that is shut off to
the world and that I try desperately to
keep God out of! We all have our closets
of the soul that we don’t want some
dancing fool opening up. All of us, gay
and straight and everywhere in between,
all of us...have one of those closets...that
space that we keep closed to friends,
closed even to spouses and partners, and
especially closed to the church. And we
try to close that space to God!
So Haring’s cheery, little dancing
idiot opening the closet door literally
scares the hell out of me....
When I asked my Bible concordance
about “coming out,” the
computer went crazy, spitting out references.
There are over a hundred of
them! And they even come from good
Hebrew and Greek concepts: yatza and
exerchomai. They mean “to come out”
and I was astonished at how often these
words were used with genuine significance.
In the Old Testament, the most frequent
use of yatza is to describe the
Israelites’ experience as they left the oppression
and slavery of Egypt. In fact,
the phrase is almost a chorus in several
places. “Remember when you came out
from Egypt.” What a very appropriate
image for us. May God assist us too, as
God helped the Israelites, to come out
of the slavery and oppression of our
Egypts. God wants us to come out of
slavery and will help any way that God
can.
In one of the most tragic and poignant
moments in the New Testament,
Jesus faces the loss of his dear friend
Lazarus. He goes up to the dark cold
cave, full of the smell of death, where
his friend is buried. With all the authority
he can muster, through tears, he
commands: Lazarus, COME OUT!
You might think the words “come
out,” as used in the Bible, take on a totally
different meaning from the way
we’re using them. But I don’t think so.
I think God really does want us to
open up that dark closet of our souls
and come out. God celebrates what is in
that closet— our sexuality. It is a good
thing which should be out in the light!
God does not want us to have to hide
an important part of who we are. We
are called by God to open up that closet
door to the rest of our world. We are to
dance in celebration like Haring’s little
figure...and with God celebrating at our
side, we are to come out! Amen! ▼
Source
This article is excerpted from a sermon
preached in PLGC worship, Presbytery of
Twin Cities Area, on Presbyterian “Coming
Out” Sunday, March 6, 1994, Minneapolis,
Minnesota. Printed in More Light Update
(October 1994), P.O. Box 38, New Brunswick,
NJ 08903. Haring’s drawing is used by permission
of NCOD.
Erwin C. Barron is a Presbyterian pastor
in Minneapolis, Minnesota.
Comiing
Outt!!
By Erwin C. Barron
That little guy always terrified me!
I know you’ve seen him—that
little dancing figure in Keith
Haring’s line drawing done for national
“coming out” day. He or she (it could
be either) is dancing merrily with one
hand still hanging on inside as he or
she steps out of a closet. It’s a great little
drawing that speaks worlds about coming
out.
But the little guy always terrified me!
It’s not so much the coming out, or
the dancing, or any of that.... It’s that
open closet door! What is lurking within
that closet as this foolish little fellow
stands there cheerily holding that door
wide open?
It’s not really homosexuality that is
behind that door, although Lord knows,
it’s a big part of that hidden darkness
for the church. But that makes the closet
door only an issue for a few of us. No,
what’s so thoroughly sealed up in the
closet is S-E-X. That’s how my father and
mother talked about it. Sexuality was
completely private, never talked about
in the family, or in the general public,
and especially not in church! S-E-X! We
had better keep that stuff securely bolted
up within the dark confines of our
locked bedroom, and only within legal
marriage, and better yet, only under the
covers with the lights out, and only
when absolutely necessary.
That’s how I grew up. I have gotten
better.... But I still have this dark little
8 Open Hands
These are the dilemmas that people
bring into my office as they
struggle to deal with the painful
choices of coming out as gay, lesbian,
or bisexual. As a self-identified lesbian
certified pastoral counselor, I am struck
with how gay, lesbian, and bisexual
people really are like others. We don’t
come out inside a vacuum. We bring our
own histories, needs, scars, strengths,
and gifts to the process.
The significance of this occurred to
me most recently while leading a psychotherapy
group on self-esteem for
gay/lesbian/bisexual people. Each member
of this group was more closeted than
he or she wanted to be. Each was recovering
from painful and complicated
family histories. Each person’s self-identity
and esteem had been battered and
bruised by family dynamics that had
nothing to do with their sexual orientation.
Nonetheless, the impact on their
coming out was huge. In addition to the
impact of their family dynamics, each
was struggling with the effects of spiritual
and psychological violence done to
them by persons and church communities
who were exhibiting homophobic
behaviors.
Spiritual Violence
Once, during worship at Spirit of the
Mountains Church, I read a selection
from an article in the magazine,
Alive Now.
We are the Beloved. We are intimately
loved long before our parents,
teachers, spouses, children,
and friends loved or wounded us.
That’s the truth of our lives. That’s
the truth I want you to claim for
yourself.1
One man began to cry. He stated that
he was beginning to believe that God
really might love him, no matter what
his family or the church of his childhood
had said.
The spiritual violence done to lesbian,
gay, and bisexual souls may be the
strongest of conspiracies that seek to
keep us closeted. How can one be expected
to confront the homophobic realities
of the world if, at our spiritual
core, we have internalized a message of
shame and alienation from God?
A gay man who had been previously
married once told me that, when married,
he loved church and went every
Sunday. However, after he divorced and
came out, he would get nauseous in
worship and have to leave.
Like Lazarus, these two gay men and
others of us need a community of faith
and a powerful and personal friendship
“I am a lesbian. I got married to prove I was
straight. I want to come out, but I have a thirteen-
year-old daughter. My husband’s friends
say things like, ‘They ought to put all the gay
people on an island and blow it up’.”
“I am a teacher. The principal at my school
was fired a few years ago because she was a
lesbian. I’m sick of pretending to be a single
man, but I am afraid to lose my job or to face
my family if I do.”
“I am a survivor of incest. I have such low
self-esteem. I don’t want to come out to anybody
because I can’t face any more rejection.”
By Leanne M. Tigert
Summer 1996 9
with God in order to be released from
the spiritual death in which homophobia
seeks to encase us.
Psychological Violence
Closely related to this spiritual violence
are the many psychological
effects resulting from living within a
homophobic society. Psychological
theory states that we develop a sense of
ourselves by how other people relate to
us. Throughout life we continue to be
motivated and informed by our relationships
with others, often projecting onto
others our own beliefs and fears. The
effects of homophobic and sexist fears
and beliefs projected onto us by others
can be profound.
For example, I recently spoke with a
lesbian who is having emotional difficulties.
She says, “I have become a pro
at knowing and being what everyone
else thinks I am and wants me to be,
but I have no clue as to who I am or
who I want to be.” Then she told me a
story. At about age eleven she had been
riding her bicycle down the road, with
her hair pulled back in a tight ponytail.
She whizzed past a boy and his mother
who commented (loudly enough for her
to hear) that she looked like a boy. “It
devastated me, it frightened me—I went
into hiding and have never come out.”
Homophobic projections do not
need to be experienced in childhood to
have devastating effects. Several years
ago, a gay couple who were both very
active members of the church I served
asked to hold their covenant service in
the sanctuary. Unfortunately, the deacons
denied their request. A few months
later, this couple broke up with very little
investment in trying to stay together. I
believe that they internalized the
homophobic message from the diaconate:
that same-gender relationships
are not to be publicly affirmed and
blessed by God.
Often people carry shame for being
closeted, as well as shame for being gay,
lesbian, or bisexual. People cope in
many ways, usually the best way they
know how. Sometimes people cope in
ways that hurt themselves— addictions,
eating disorders, and other self-destructive
behaviors.
…someday we may all
whiz down the street
together, with our hair
pulled back…
Many gay, lesbian, and bisexual
people with whom I work have experienced
symptoms common to survivors
of trauma: a sense of foreboding,
hypervigilence, depression, and low selfesteem,
among others.2 Such persons
live in perpetual trauma, continuing to
be victimized by homophobic comments
and behaviors of other persons.
The difference between “closeted” and
being “out” is the difference between
carrying the secret of the trauma and
confronting the perpetrator(s).
Congregational Support
Church communities and pastors
need to offer positive “out” role
models and be welcoming, listening
communities. In order to make healthy
informed choices, people need to speak
and be heard. The forty-five-year-old
woman who spoke of being perceived
as a boy at age eleven needed to tell her
therapist, but this is only the beginning.
She needs to speak and listen within a
community that has had many such experiences
and that can help her move
through pain towards a spiritual and
psychological wholeness. Who knows,
someday we may all whiz down the
street together, with our hair pulled
back, enjoying that we are not defined
or isolated by others’ beliefs and projections
of gender and sexual orientation.
▼
Notes
1Alive Now (March/April 1996).
2From the DSM-IV, the manual for diagnosing
psychological disorders.
Leanne M. Tigert, D.Min., is an ordained
UCC minister and fellow
in the American
Association of Pastoral
Counselors. She practices
psychotherapy at
Womankind Counseling
Center and is pastor
of Spirit of the
Mountains in Concord,
New Hampshire. She is the author of
Coming Out While Staying In: Struggles
and Celebrations of Gays/Lesbians/Bisexuals
in the Church.
Passages to
Homosexual Spiritual Maturity
the passage
into self-love
the passage into love of each other
the passage into public witness to God’s love for us.
See Catholic theologians Evelyn and James Whitehead, Seasons of Strength: New Visions of
Adult Christian Maturing (Image/Doubleday, 1986), ch. 4; also John McNeill, Freedom, Glorious
Freedom: The Spiritual Journey to the Fullness of Life for Gays, Lesbians, and Everybody
Else (Beacon, 1995), chs. 6-8.
10 Open Hands
The phone rang near midnight one
October evening in 1992. I knew
it had to be our twenty-five-yearold
son calling from Houston. Late night
calls always meant another crisis in his
continuing struggle to make it on his
own in a strange city. No permanent job
yet. Someone broke into his car. He and
his roommate had another bitter argument.
And always, money problems.
I took a deep breath and asked,
“How’s it going, son?” His voice was low
as the litany of troubles began. His voice
broke with tears and a long pause before
he added, “And Mom, I’m gay.” He
waited for me to respond. I’d been waiting
for several years for him to tell me.
My feelings and long-held questions
rushed to fill the space. “I’m not surprised.
I’ve been waiting for you to tell
us. How long have you known? Why did
you wait so long? Is your health all
right?” I felt no shock, just relief that
we could finally connect around an
awareness I had had since he was a little
boy. I had always known he was special;
I just didn’t know his uniqueness had a
label. I felt no shame, no guilt, just a
rush of compassion for the deep sadness
I heard in his voice. “You sound so
lonely,” I said. I worried that he might
be suicidal. “Can I call _____ (a gay
minister/friend)?” “Yes, but don’t
tell...”and he named his brother, relatives,
close family friends. “This is
nobody’s else’s business. You can only
talk about it if someone asks you directly
if I’m gay.” I hung up the phone and
sighed. My son’s coming out to his father
and me put us in the closet of privacy
he had lived in for ten years.
This may be the most painful act of
love I have ever had to live. I am a
teacher who helps people learn to open
up to each other. I, who teach others to
be honest and real, now had to learn to
keep a secret. I, who easily share personal
stories as a way of illustrating principles
of human interaction, now had
to close the door on one of the most
effective teaching tools I knew. I had to
choose between honoring my son’s
strong sense of privacy and my own
need to share my pride in having such a
special son. His fear of being treated as
a freak by people who had long respected
him was my discovery that internalized
homophobia runs deep for
many gay people.
In my speech and debate classes I listened
to both sides of the arguments to
support an amendment to the state constitution
which would eliminate the
right of homosexuals to protection
against discrimination in employment
and housing. I had to listen to the insults
hurled at homosexuals by misinformed,
fearful people and absorb the
hurt on behalf of someone I love. I could
not show them a picture of my tall handsome
son to confront the stereotyped
image of the “wimpy, limp-wristed, lisping
fag” that some students find to be
so revolting. I did not have permission
to say to the old-timers in my church
who reject making a public statement
to welcome gays, lesbians and bisexuals,
“Don’t you know that you have
watched a boy grow up to be an Eagle
Scout and he no longer feels welcome
in your pews?” Church members wonder
why I feel so passionate about this
Anonymous
Summer 1996 11
As it became clearer to him
that he was himself a lover
of men trapped in a marriage,
the darkness of
another kind encroached;
To abandon the family was
far too cruel and so
he decided to abandon
himself, to embrace the lie
and to live suburbanly unhappy.
After all, there was the
country club to luncheon at,
the card games he loved,
an office full of women,
no harm there.
And maybe he could keep
himself occupied at
home with books and art,
and a room of his own
to hide within.
A family pact was made
without my input
the year (or was it one day?)
my father faced the truth
about his sexuality.
Somewhere, deeply hidden,
a gut wrenching fact emerged,
and rose up into his chest
tightening its vice grip
of pain.
And in that moment he knew
his disinterest in my mother’s
warm body had nothing
to do with her style or form
or behavior.
A floodgate opened in his
memory river and scenes
poured forth in montage, closing
the chasmic distance between his
head and his heart.
(The high school friend,
the army buddies, the Italian
with the tight muscles,
the girl he was engaged to
and broke it off with.)
Mother never
said one word to him
about this truth,
blessedly, “and to her credit”
he would have said.
A silent co-conspirator,
she entered the closet too
and raised us girls within
its walls to follow suit
and keep the peace.
No blood oath was taken,
no contract signed;
yet this undocumented pact
has left me to find my way
out of my father’s closet.
Karen A. McClintock is minister of faith development at First Christian Church in
Medford, Oregon. Her poetry emerges from her spiritual practice of daily journal writing.
II N
EXXCHANGE
FOR SIILLENCE
By Karen A. McClintock
subject. “Does she have a gay child?”
they ask a minister. If they knew, would
that only cause them to dismiss my concern
as obvious self-interest? The church
members resist change out of fear of
divisiveness. My son clings to his privacy
as a cloak of protection. I try to
practice the patience of waiting when I
want to scream the message of God’s
love that is available for all persons!
I hate it in the closet. I mourn more
for being so imprisoned by my son
whom I love so much than I ever did for
the truth that he was different. Friends
in PFLAG laugh when I tell of my repressed
state. “Parents are the ones who
normally go into the closet when their
kids come out,” they tell me. “You’re the
first parent we’ve met who wants to be
more ‘out’ than her child.”
It’s true that I do not submit passively
to his “gag rule.” I keep pushing him to
let up on his control of who I can tell.
Over the past four years, he has consented
to my telling my brother who had
guessed long before and who found it
no big deal. I have permission to talk
privately to my gay students who talk
to me in confidentiality. When I have
been asked by PFLAG to be interviewed
for a newspaper article, I have declined.
Each time I ask permission for further
public disclosure, I am met with a tirade.
“Mother, we’ve been through this
before. It’s my life! I have been lenient
with you but you can’t ‘out’ me... You
don’t know what it’s like! I’m afraid that
I might lose my job. That’s all that I have
to build my future security!” I withdraw
my request because I really cannot know
the fear that is so real to him. I cannot
deny that he must be in charge of his
own life. But what about my life? Do I
have any rights as a parent of a gay child?
I am torn between my loyalty to my
son’s need for privacy and my fierce
maternal instinct combined with a
strong social conscience that wants to
confront a society which oppresses
sexual minorities. I agree with Robert
A. Bernstein’s point in his book, Straight
Parents/Gay Children, that parents of gay
children must play a key role in addressing
society’s bigotry and ignorance
about the assumption that homosexuals
are “rare freaks.” I want to liberate
my son and all those who fear unfair
treatment and loss of civil rights for being
gay in a straight world. I do believe
with all my heart that “the truth will set
us free.” But I can’t impose that understanding
on a person who has withdrawn
into a social life he has built with
his gay friends because he needs to be
comfortable. Learning to live in a closet
can be seductive because it feels safe. I
will reluctantly stand inside the closet
with my son, but my foot wedges the
door open and I continue to pray for
the light of openness for us all. ▼
12 Open Hands
I can’t remember how old I was. I
remember that I was attending
Dewey School in Evanston, Illinois.
Dewey was a primary school so it must
have been when I was in the fifth or
sixth grade. I was a big kid for my age.
No one pushed me. No one encouraged
me. No one asked me. I didn’t read
about it. As a matter of fact I had no
choice. It was automatic. It just happened
one day on the playground. Like
Adam, what I saw was “a delight to the
eye and was to be desired.”
Somehow it came to me that these
creatures, the nuisances, were not just a
millstone around a fellow’s neck. Instead,
they created in me a warm and
pleasant feeling and I wanted to be with
them.
On that day, I knew in my heart of
hearts that I liked girls. I was always one
to activate my thoughts so I began to
chase girls. I was persistent in my chase.
I was helpless. No scolding or threats or
prayers of my parents lessened my feeling
about girls. I continued the chase
until I was twenty-five years old when
one of them caught me. We established
a relationship and, after fifty years, the
relationship changed—my partner, my
mate, my love died.
The relationship was not created in
heaven, although sometimes I thought
it must have been. It began in Winnetka,
Illinois and, after suffering through six
years of separation occasioned by World
War II and thirty-seven changes of address,
came to a close in Napa, California.
I expect it was like most marriages
with some downs but mostly ups. It was
wonderful. To have someone always
with you and for you is an indescribably
delightful experience. To have
someone whom I cared for and helped
to be all she could really be made me
feel I was “just a little less than the gods.”
It was such a wonderful experience that
I continue it in my heart and take courage
that not even death shall separate
us. My faith, which was nurtured and
grew in that relationship, makes me
believe that one day we will be together
again. I can’t explain it—to me it just is.
Most experience indicates that lesbians
and gays have no more choice than
I did when I awoke one day and decided
I liked girls. I don’t really understand
why a man would choose another man
to be his life mate. But I don’t think it is
as important that I understand the process
as it is for me to accept them and
allow them to live their lives as I have
lived mine, with the same rights that I
have enjoyed.
I want also to confess that I don’t
understand why many of my heterosexual
friends chose the partners they
did. I have also heard many parents say
that they didn’t understand the choices
made by their children. I guess one day
all of us will have to accept the truth—
that God made us in His image. He didn’t
make the world in our image.
God the Creator created differences.
All of us are very similar but there are
obvious differences: skin texture and
color, eye and hair color, weight, height,
foot and hand size. God made these differences
and more. As a Christian I remember
that God said what He created
was good. I accept God as the author of
differences. As a Christian, I want to
follow Jesus’ basic teaching: “Love one
another.” I believe at the very least this
means that we must accept one another.
I accept what God has created. I accept
that God is wiser than I am. I accept gays
and lesbians.
Lastly (and I have been lasting for a
long time) I want to confess that I had
such a rich, varied, wonderful, loving
life with Nan that I could not live with
myself if I did anything to deprive another
of the same opportunity. ▼
William N. Wingstrom is a retired associate
member of the
California-Nevada
Annual Conference of
The United Methodist
Church. He lives in
Napa, California.
Loving Faithfully
We cannot understand loving faithfully
by lauding heterosexual marriage and condemning homosexual relationships
instead of asking what we might learn from seeing how
love is made manifest in any relationship. We need to know how life is enhanced,
pain and suffering healed, creativity encouraged, promises kept,
and each person able to flourish. Under the lens of those criteria,
many marriages would fail and many same-sex relationships
would stand as examples to us all.
—Rita Nakashima Brock
Excerpted from sermon “Walking in the Moonlight”
General Assembly, Christian Church (Disciples of Christ)
Pittsburgh, October 23, 1995
By William N. Wingstrom
Summer 1996 13
I was just fifteen, away from home
for the first time and scared to death.
I was a college freshman and dying
to look and act as old as all the others.
He was golden, blond, funny, and an upperclassman.
He had a wonderful cynical
way of looking at things and thought
that I was delightful. We were destined
to be best friends, and we were.
Ron taught me how to make the most
of my southern accent, how to walk in
four-inch heels and to wave like Miss
America. He took me to my first frat
dance, steered me around the killer
courses and professors, and was stricter
than my father to all my prospective
dates. He was there to “dish” the morning
after. He was also there when my
heart was “totally broken” and I contemplated
becoming the first Methodist
nun.
And I was there for him the first time
he said he was “gay” out loud. I went
with him the first time he went to a gay
dance bar. He was afraid that no one
would ask him to dance. He shouldn’t
have been; he was the best dancer there—
and the most popular.
Even though we later finished at different
colleges and went on to work, Ron
was always the best kind of friend—the
kind that you could call at 3 A.M. to drop
everything to rescue you. When he said
everything would be all right, you knew
it was true. And when he thought that
he would never really love anyone, I
knew he was wrong and told him so and
he believed me. And I was right.
He knew even before I did that I was
in love with Jim, and told me so. I said
he was crazy and only saying that because
Jim was the first person I ever
dated that he approved of. It turned out
we were both right.
Later, when I decided to get married,
he arrived at the wedding with the motor
running and enough money for a
couple of months in Mexico if I was
having second thoughts. I wasn’t, but
just knowing he was there and would
understand made it even more right and
wonderful.
When I was pregnant with Jamie, he
was the first person outside of the family
to know. He was also the only one
who understood how worried I was
about having the necessary skills to be
a good mother. He understood but
wasn’t worried at all. The jury is still out
on that one, but I think he may be right.
After Jamie was born, I became so focused
in motherhood and family that I
didn’t see him as often. We had supper
a few times, but balancing home, family,
and a full time job didn’t leave much
time for other things. So, when he became
sick and didn’t want to see me as
often, I didn’t think too much about it.
Somehow the few weeks became a few
months and the few months became
almost a year. We moved and he moved
and I lost touch. That was fourteen years
ago. At some point, AIDS entered my
consciousness and I was sure he had
died. I remembered his symptoms and
how bad he looked. A part of my heart
was gone. I hurt because I had allowed
him to become lost to me. There was a
sadness that never went away.
In 1994 I moved to San Francisco and
joined Bethany United Methodist
Church. Bethany is a church concerned
about social justice, with a dynamic
minister and a welcoming congregation
filled with friendly, giving people who
soon became my friends. It is also a Reconciling
Congregation. I thought that
was a wonderful thing. It was the biblically
right and socially just thing to be.
It was wonderful that my gay and lesbian
friends were able to worship
openly. But being a Reconciling Congregation
had no real connection with
me. It was just the right thing to do.
One of the things I really love about
Bethany is the community prayer and
the passing of the peace. For us touchyfeely
southern types, a hug is a major
part of worship. One Sunday I was listening
to the prayer request of Terry who
had been sitting in front of me for the
last year and a half. He asked for prayers
for his former lover, Ron ___________,
who had just died. I hadn’t even known
Terry had known Ron. In that instant,
being a part of an RC church became
very real to me. Because Bethany is the
kind of church that it is, Terry could ask
for prayers for his friend, I could hear
them, and a part of me was healed. My
lost friend was found, and though he had
died, he was again alive for me. I rejoice
that God gave him many more years,
most of them happy, healthy, and wonderful
ones. That day when I hugged
Terry in the passing of the peace, I felt
the long connection with my friend.
I know now that being a part of a
Reconciling Congregation is a very real
part of me. From now on it can be no
other way. We are all God’s marvelous
creations and we must all be welcome
in his church.
Many years ago God gave me a loving
friend, and when I thought he was
lost to me, God gave me an even more
loving gift—the gift of reconciliation.
God is good. ▼
Janet Jacobs Huebsch, a member of
Bethany United Methodist Church, a Reconciling
Congregation
in San Francisco, lives
with her husband Jim
and son Jamie. She
serves on the board of
directors of a private
school and is a grant
writer.
ReconcilingReconciling
Reconciling
RReeccoonncciilliinngg Janet
By Janet Jacobs Huebsch
14 Open Hands
• I am made in the image of God, loved
by God, and have a very personal and
real sense of relationship with Christ
as Lord.
• My gay orientation is a beautiful gift
from God and not a sinful perversion
of God’s intent for me and my
life.
• I have no guilt or shame about who I
am and am grateful for the gifts God
has given me and the blessings God
has bestowed upon me and my ministry.
• I believe my homosexuality has been
a gift to make me a creative, compassionate,
more loving pastor.
But there remains the dilemma of the
gay, married pastor:
• To remain within my denomination
forces me to be totally closeted. I do
not believe this is dishonest or hypocritical
because, if I did “come out
of the closet,” I would probably be
excommunicated and/or denied any
further pastoral ministries.
• I dearly love my wife. We have a fine
marriage, are best friends, and share
the hopes, dreams, pain, and joy of
the years. The pain comes mainly
from not being able to share my homosexuality
with my wife. It would
probably mean the end of our marriage
and that is not an option for
me.
• To come out to my children and siblings
would cause some family ruptures,
so that is not an option.
• To come out to the people in the
churches I have served would also
serve no good purpose.
At about age twelve, I began to feel
that I was different—and in my
community anyone who felt attraction
to a person of the same sex was
“queer.” I lived in fear of being known
by such a derogatory name, so I hid my
feelings from everybody and was
ashamed of my sexual desires. My activity
with other boys and young men
in grade school and high school was limited
and unfulfilling.
Because I went to a Presbyterian-related
college and had been in the Christian
church all my life, there was only
one thing for me to do (I thought) and
that was to marry. I have been married
for over forty years to a lovely and creative
woman who has been a great
mother of our children and a very fine
wife. In my early twenties, I felt called
to what was then named “the Gospel
Ministry,” attended seminary, and have
been ordained for thirty-five years, serving
in small and large churches as staff
and senior pastor.
But—I was always gay, always closeted,
and, for twenty-five years while our
children were growing up, totally nonpracticing
as a gay man.
About ten years ago, I gave up celibacy
and have been a very happy and
satisfied gay man, though still totally
closeted. No one in my family—wife,
children, or siblings—or any members
of churches where I have served know I
am gay. I have not practiced my gay life
with any members of the churches
where I have served.
In the past ten years I have read as
many books as possible from all viewpoints
on the gay Christian person. I
spent many days and nights researching
all relevant Bible passages. My conclusions,
as of now:
I know there are those who would
counsel me to be honest, to “come out
of the closet,” but I believe there would
be too much pain all around and some
broken relationships. I know there are
others who might counsel me to repent
of my sin and at least become a celibate
homosexual for the sake of my marriage,
family, and friends, but I believe that my
spirituality and sexuality are so closely
related that to suppress or deny one is
to hinder the full and honest acceptance
of the other. I am on a journey toward
being a whole, complete, and mature
person as created in the image of God—
and spirituality and sexuality are two
very important elements of that wholeness.
I do not feel I am
unfaithful to my
ordination vows,
my call to ministry, or
my service to Christ…
I do not feel I am unfaithful to my
ordination vows, my call to ministry, or
my service to Christ through the church.
Nowhere in my vows, when I was ordained
thirty-five years ago, were there
any suggestions, questions, or issues of
sexual orientation or behavior. God have
mercy on us all! ▼
Source
This story is adapted and reprinted from
More Light Update, February 1996. Used with
permission.
Jacob Guerdon Black is a pseudonym.
By Jacob Guerdon Black
Summer 1996 15
Not all parents are straight. I
didn’t know that until I was
thirteen and my dad told my
mom, my sister, and me that he was gay.
People say that when a parent comes out,
the rest of the family goes into the closet.
That was true for us. My secure world
fell apart when I learned that my dad
wasn’t really the person I always thought
he was. I was angry and hurt and I
couldn’t talk about it with anyone except
my mom and sister.
We moved to Boulder when I was a
sophomore. Amendment 2 was on the
ballot and, although I spoke up about
gay rights, I never felt free to reveal my
personal connection. I heard the hatred
other people used against homosexuals
and it made me feel like an outcast. I
thought no one would accept me if I
told them about my dad. I hated to think
how they would talk about him if they
knew. That would be unbearable. My
teachers ignored the remarks, so I would
usually sit quietly and listen. When the
arguments got heated beyond normal
debate, I personalized what they said. I
felt hated. “Why can’t I tell them?” I
asked myself.
My anger and isolation was only intensified
when we learned my dad’s final
secret: he was HIV positive. In the
middle of the night we had a phone call:
“He’s not going to make it!” By then I
had to tell one or two close friends because
I couldn’t bear the weight of my
sorrow alone. By the time I was a junior
in high school, I was fed up with high
school and the foolishness of my peers.
I was ready to come out, but I still had
to keep the secret because my younger
sister wasn’t there yet.
As my dad’s secrets became known
(there is no hiding the effects of AIDS),
he changed. Society had forced him to
live a lie because he wanted so badly to
conform to social expectations. He
thought that if he married and had a
family, he could continue to deny his
attraction to the same sex. When he gave
up the lie, he became free to be his true
self. He transformed during the last two
years of his life into a wonderful friend
to me.
AIDS complicated my anger because
its roller coaster times of crisis meant
that I thought I was saying good-bye to
my dad five different times. However,
my dad was determined to hold on to
life and to come to terms with death.
We had wonderful talks where he told
me that he was sorry for how he had
hurt my sister and Mom and me. We
cried together when he told me that he
loved me. “I’m not afraid to die,” he told
me as he chose to find the best in each
day. When I would get angry because
we were refused service in a restaurant
because he had AIDS, my dad would stay
calm and just shrug off the ignorance
and fear of strangers. I watched my parents
find new closeness as friends while
she took care of him during his final
illness. “David, I’ve taken care of the girls
while you were sick; your job is to take
care of them after you’re gone.”
And it’s true. My dad has never been
more present for me than since his death
six months ago. My dad’s greatest gift
to me is the growth and maturity I’ve
found in learning about life. I have come
to understand that prejudice and rejection
rise out of people’s fear of what they
don’t know. I have learned that parents
are just people who do the best they can.
I know now that love is a bond that death
cannot break. At age twenty I am gifted
with some of my dad’s sense of peace
that whatever comes, I can handle it.
When I went to the University of
Colorado, I was finally able to come out.
I helped to form a group called
COLAGE, for children of lesbian and gay
parents. We support each other in opening
up to be who we are.1 Now I can
proudly talk about my life and what I
learned from having a gay parent. I am
finally released from the worst oppression
of all, having to keep a secret.▼
Note
1COLAGE (Children of Gays and Lesbians
Everywhere) is the children’s support network
of the Gay and Lesbian Parents Coalition,
International (GLPCI).
Sara Davies is now a student at the University
of Colorado in Boulder.
By Sara Davies
Out
Karen A. McClintock
It’s such a joy to have you out
your spikey hair
your laughter
Your cut to the heart of it care.
The you I sadly saw
straining against the weight
of the closet door
Flying now
falling in love
fantastic!
Karen A. McClintock is minister of
faith development at First Christian
Church in Medford, Oregon. Her poetry
emerges from her spiritual practice
of daily journal writing.
A FATHER’S LEGACY
16 Open Hands
The journey of life that is given to
us by our Creator is an interesting
one. We have been given the
ability to lock into God’s grace. Some
of us choose to do just that, and some
choose to ignore the simplest of biblical
truths: “You shall know the truth and
the truth will set you free” (John 8:32,
NEB). This is a basic part of our Christian
faith. When ignored, it does cause
us great difficulty. Being dishonest with
ourselves is being dishonest with God.
Until truth abounds, we cannot enjoy
the blessing of freedom.
I have read this lesson from Christ
many times. It wasn’t until I was forced
into outing myself to my family that it
hit home. I felt that the truth had to
come out or I would not ever be free.
Mine was a double outing. I knew
that the circumstances about my gay
lifestyle and also about the fact that I
am HIV positive was definitely going to
complicate things. It did. The immediate
negative response from my maternal
grandmother was that I was “dead
and no longer a part of the family” and
she wanted no communication with me.
I wasn’t surprised. I was tired of trying
to digest all of this. God’s promise kept
ringing in my mind. I prayed and meditated
on this. As time moved on, fear
and doubt left and was replaced by joy.
The joy that I began feeling was truly
the freedom that is promised. No lies,
no cover up, no need to sugarcoat anything
so it could be swallowed with
greater comfort by others. Just the bare
fact that God is truly in control.
The beautiful thing is that God really
started working in my life. Doors
began swinging open and the greatest
gifts of life began coming my way. I was
given peace inside that allowed me the
chance to be honest with a multitude
of persons in my life. This became a
healing for me spiritually. In turn, it
gave me a firm foundation emotionally
and professionally to handle whatever
came my way.
I found that there are always those
persons who cannot accept reality. This
is something that they own. They have
to work through it. I cannot spoon-feed
them through the process. My own need
became evident. I must take care of
myself and concentrate on allowing God
to put into my life those persons who
are full of the Holy Spirit. I must draw
from God’s Power, not the power of the
world. Negative power drains us and we
tend to lose sight of the fact that through
God, “You shall know the truth and the
truth will set you free.”
In this freedom I discovered what it
meant to love others at the same time I
was learning to love myself. I met
Wallace Richards, a true gift from God.
We lived together for twenty-two
months and God called him home. I was
able to spend one of the most incredibly
joyous times in my life with this
gracious individual. God was always
there. We knew that we were going to
By Randy Houston
God’s
Promise
Summer 1996 17
meet resistance. Daily we confronted
each situation with confidence. God’s
promise had been given to us. We knew
that God was doing miraculous things,
turning people around, making those
“mountains move.” Why? Because God
promised this and we knew that God
does not break promises.
God worked on both of our families.
The pure, unconditional love that only
God can provide started rushing forth
like a mighty wind. Blessings came that
were truly overflowing, that had some
action to them. Not just idle promises,
but real meaningful action occurred.
You could see the hand of God touching
each one of our family members,
causing attitude changes, bringing forth
definite life changes. Family members,
from both sides, have reached out in
ways never before imagined. Before, they
would not have even mentioned that
their child or brother was gay. Now
they are speaking about
HIV or AIDS.
God’s power
was so moving
that
now my
being gay and
being HIV positive
can be openly discussed
with no fear or retribution.
Where there was fear and confusion,
there is now love and understanding.
I have been able to gain victory. God
really is there for me through every trial.
The truth does not just stop at making
us free. It is contagious, spreading like
wildfire and destroying the walls that
separate people from one another. No
more barriers. Just sweet peace, joy, love,
the kind that only God can supply. God
supplies these blessings through the Perfect
Gift, Jesus Christ, making all who
look for that truth free.
No Outing / No Silencing!
By Martha L. Olney
Let us not make the error of equating the freedom to be out with the freedom to out
others. Whether or not to come out is a choice each individual faces. Choosing to be out
has definite benefits. Being out means less fear of being “found out.” It means less stress
associated with covering one’s tracks and watching one’s pronouns. But we cannot deny
the costs of coming out. Being closeted may allow someone to be a more effective agent
for change. Being out may mean job loss, loss of vocation, or custody battles. The costs
of being out are often substantial.
Each of us faces our own decision. And each decision should be respected. If we
choose to be closeted, don’t out us. If we choose to be out, don’t silence us.
What we celebrate is that through our welcoming and affirming congregations, more
and more people know they are valued and loved children of God just as they are. Being
out or being in—about our sexuality, an abusive past, or even our religious background—
is a choice we make with the full knowledge that God’s extravagant love surrounds us
always, whatever our decision.
Martha L. Olney is treasurer of the First Baptist Church of Berkeley, California (a Welcoming
& Affirming Congregation). She teaches economics at the University of California,
Berkeley.
I rejoice in what God has done for
me. I rejoice in what God can do for
you. God’s power is just a whisper away.
Just speak that whisper. Believe God’s
promise. The doors that confine will
swing open and you will be given the
strength to deal with all the obstacles
that come your way. If it happened for
me and the situations that I have been
through, then I believe it can happen
for you. ▼
Randy Houston is a member of First Congregational
United Church of Christ, an
ONA church in Memphis, Tennessee. He
is an RN employed as outside services coordinator
at St. Jude Children’s Research
Hospital. He is a member of the local
PFLAG and also serves on the executive
board of the Memphis Area Regional AIDS
Interfaith Network. He speaks to groups
concerning issues of compassion towards
AIDS and those affected by the disease.
18 Open Hands
talism needed people more as consumers
than as producers. There weren’t
enough jobs around—creating consternation
and stagnation in the dominant
white community and an economic depression
in the Black and Latino communities.
The pie wasn’t expanding anymore;
the battle between those who
work and those who control became
intense. Average families were having to
work more and harder and still seemed
to be declining in living standard. The
American Dream was dying. The labor
movement was losing ground. We
reached a point in the U.S. where more
people were employed by McDonalds
than by the entire U.S. steel industry.
We can’t name the shift very well yet,
but as Yogi Berra said, “The future ain’t
what it used to be.” The future feels very
different. One historian has even written
that history is “over!” It feels as if
we’ve moved into a “post” period:
post-industrial, post-modern, post-
Christendom, post-whatever. Among the
characteristics of the “post” period are
the following:
1. Intensifying class conflict. While
investor optimism has yielded alltime
highs in the stock market, virtually
every institution has been
contracting in size and taking back
benefits and wages from its employees.
The safety net for average individuals
is being eaten away, even as
an unprecedented re-concentration
of wealth is occurring.
By George D. McClain
God’s Coming Out...
In a
The Golden Age
The second period was the Golden
Age—from 1945 to the early 1970s.
During this time the U.S. reigned supreme
as world political, economic, and
cultural power, while most of the world
experienced a period of unprecedented
economic expansion. American wealth
grew enormously, especially among the
“haves”; and there was enough left over
to begin to meet the growing economic
demands of non-male, non-white constituencies
and not threaten the expanding
wealth of the owners and managers
of the capitalist economic machine. As
far as nuclear war was concerned, the
Cold War turned out to be a Cold Peace.
Despite counter-insurgency wars and the
Vietnam War, former colonial peoples
became nations at astounding rates; and
in rapid succession the Black civil rights
movement, the women’s movement,
and, toward the end of the period, the
gay rights movement mushroomed,
bringing permanent change to our nation.
Overall, optimism abounded.
Oh, how the church longs for this era.
The mainline churches expanded in
membership, in property, and in professional
staff. It’s a lot more fun to
upsize than to downsize!
The Crisis Decades
However, in the early 1970s, things
began to turn sour. The underlying
reality was that the economic bill
for the Golden Age came due. U.S. capi-
Many college commencement
addresses this past spring
spoke of the sense of uncertainty
of the future. It’s as if they had
taken as their basic “scripture” text the
gospel according to Yogi Berra, the baseball
Hall of Famer, who once said: “The
future just ain’t what it used to be.”
To understand this new future—this
New Reformation of which we are a
part— it is very helpful to review the past,
especially the history of the twentieth
century. According to the eminent British
historian Eric Hobsbawm, this century
has been a short one—only seventyseven
years long. It began in 1914 with
the outbreak of World War I and concluded
in 1991 with the breakup of the
Soviet Union.1 It includes three distinct
periods—and the beginnings of a new
future.
A Thirty Year War
The first third of the twentieth century
could be called a Thirty Year
War (actually thirty-one years), from
1914 to 1945. It was an era of tribal warfare—
European and North American—
and of unprecedented total warfare that
involved not just the military sector, but
the entire society and economy of the
nations involved. How else in World
War II could German’s military forces
requisition 5.7 million stamp pads or
the U.S. military order 500 million pairs
of socks?
Summer 1996 19
2. Growing ecological disaster. The
ozone layer continues to diminish.
Chemicals in the air, water, and food
accumulate. Allergies plague more
and more people while public interest
in environmental protection
wanes.
3. A sense that no one’s in control.
There’s a feeling that we’re careening
as a civilization and no one has a
hand on the wheel. The old fixes for
the economy, the social order, the
international order, or the family just
don’t work.
4. Displaced anger. While those at the
pinnacle of power and wealth get
worship and adulation, the anxious
and contracting middle class lashes
out against those just beginning to
get a measure of justice. The result:
militias, hate groups, and anti-immigrant
and anti-gay movements.
The New Reformation
To be a witness and hope in this
threatening future, God has been
creating a new church. This New Reformation,
perhaps as thorough-going as
that of the sixteenth century, is already
a fact. It crosses traditional boundaries
of denomination and confession. For instance,
it is found among Roman Catholics
demanding the ordination of
women or among Protestants demanding
full inclusion of lesbians and gay
men. The Reconciling-More Light-Welcoming-
Affirming-Supportive movements
are an integral part of it. Peace
and justice networks, too. We don’t
need to leave our historic denominations
to be a part of this new church.
We only need to connect, to rejoice, and
to claim the vision God has given us.
To be a
witness and hope in this
threatening future,
God has been creating
a new church.
This new church is unorganized—or,
rather, it is organized in a thousand different
ways at one time: a publishing
house here, a house church there, an
urban congregation, a struggling rural
church, a justice committee, a covenant
prayer group.
This New Reformation church affirms
that injustice to people and to the
earth is abhorrent to God and that there
are things we can do to point the way to
God’s justice. This church knows that
evil is real, that principalities and powers
contend against God’s purposes, but
this church also knows that we have resources
in our faith to confront them
with God’s power.2
This church proclaims that there’s
room for everyone at the throne of grace
and table of life, and that our place is
alongside those who suffer, including
those who suffer in different ways than
we do.
The challenge for each of us is how
to be a part of this New Refomation—
how to be continually re-formed ourselves,
how to connect to this church
wherever we are, how to bring our gifts
to the One who is God of the future,
even a future which “just ain’t what it
used to be.”
At our recent United Methodist General
Conference there were myriad ways
in which the Church of the New Reformation
was experienced. One of the
most grace-filled times was on the next
to the last evening, when a group of
progressive caucuses held a dance party.
We’d been really battered the two previous
days by a succession of defeats on
gay issues and our wounds were raw. But
in those hours of dancing we danced the
new Reality of God—gay, straight, clergy,
lay—of every color. The future just ain’t
what it used to be— thank God! ▼
Notes
1See Eric Hobsbawm, The Age of Extremes: A
History of the World, 1914-1991 (New York:
Pantheon Books, 1994).
2See George McClain, “Healing Broken Institutions,”
in Open Hands (Winter 1995).
George D. McClain, D.Min., is an ordained
clergyman who for twenty-three years has
been executive director
of the Methodist
Federation for Social
Action, an independent
network of social
justice advocates
within the United
Methodist Church.
Plan Now for
Winter or Spring Study
Claiming
the
Promise
Groundbreaking New Bible Study
Curriculum on Homosexuality
▼ Explores biblical authority and biblical
interpretation.
▼ Examines biblical references to same-sex
conduct in light of the Promise that we are
children or heirs of God.
▼ Discusses “gracious hospitality” and
“gift-ed sexuality.”
▼ Tackles hard questions of “right
relationship” and “sexual responsibility.”
▼ Calls us all to live out the Promise as
reconciling disciples.
For more information call:
Reconciling Congregation Program
312/736-5526
773/736-5526 (Oct. 12)
or contact your welcoming program
NATIIONAL
COMIING OUT DAY
OCTOBER 11
Coming Out
is a sure way to gain support.
Coming Out
helps us achieve political power
and voting power.
Coming Out
can turn ignorance into acceptance.
Coming Out
means changing the tide of history.
For more information, contact
National Coming Out Day
P.O. Box 34640, Washington, DC
20043-4640
202/628-4160 or 800/866-NCOD
Fax 202/347-5323
NCOD is a non-profit educational project
of the Human Rights Campaign Fund Foundation.
20 Open Hands
The sanctuary brimmed with a diverse
and celebrative congregation.
Two families were being
brought together for the first time. Two
men were making their vows of covenant.
The mood was one of cautiousness
and wonder, expressed by many
who gathered in a Christian church to
witness a service of Covenant for their
family member, colleague, or friend.
I had the privilege to preach about
the profound nature of Christ’s love to
this gathering, many of whom found no
reason to trust a church that could not
affirm their lives or those they love. Behind
me hung a banner that one of the
men had designed. It portrayed a web
within a circle connecting multicolored,
many-sided shapes representing the diversity
of community and covenant.
Many persons commented on their first
experience of this “church with an open
door” that accepted these gay men and
accepted every one. I realized how I
yearned for this to be true every Sunday
in every church.
Claiming Ally Status
The church closet imposed on gay/
lesbian Christians is real. Many of
our judicatories still hesitate to embrace
the Jesus of the gospels who holds steadfastly
that the greatest commandment
is to love God, neighbor, and self without
limits. However, as a United Methodist
clergywoman serving in the local
pastorate for twenty years, I represent a
church that is empowered by the Holy
Spirit to truly bring us together in covenant
and promise as the people of God,
gay/lesbian and straight, to witness to
that love-without-limits that Jesus calls
us to again and again. The scriptures and
the gospel of Jesus Christ provide the
guidepost for an inclusive, reconciling
ministry. No church body can restrict
God’s love or the power of the Spirit to
heal and renew the world.
This has been a spiritual awakening
for me as I have served as pastor for these
last eleven years at Wheadon United
Methodist Church, a Reconciling Congregation.
As a heterosexual woman,
married with three children, I am called
to be an ally of my gay/lesbian/bisexual
sisters and brothers. Being an ally permeates
my personal ministry and that
of the congregation I have served. One
way I witness to the gospel and walk as
an ally towards healing grace is by offering
rituals, sacraments, and counseling.
As a pastor, I refuse no ministries
to anyone who is seeking or living out
the saving grace and love of God in their
life.
Membership and Lay
Ministries
Our congregation does not limit the
involvement of anyone in the full
ministry and service of the church when
they have been called by the leading of
the Holy Spirit. Persons of all sexual orientations
are welcome to be members
of the church. Our congregation has
offered legislation to our judicatory to
encourage other churches to do the
same.
Gay/lesbian and straight, together we
are leaders in the local congregation.
There is no discrimination regarding
committee membership, including
committees such as worship, education,
trustees, or pastor parish relations. In
fact, we try to build inclusive decisionmaking
committees and a staff that is
representative of diverse perspectives.
We also encourage persons of all sexual
orientations to represent us on denominational
committees and boards. This
commitment to full inclusiveness comes
Working As Allies:
Opening
Church
Doors
By Betty Jo
Birkhahn-Rommelfanger
Summer 1996 21
from all of the members of the congregation
and is especially committed to
by persons who are straight allies.
Open Pulpit
The pulpit at Wheadon is open to all
in the church. We have been particularly
moved by the faith and witness
of those persons who have faced prejudice,
hate, and fear because of their gay/
lesbian/bisexual identity. Hearing the
stories of the oppressed helps all of us
to be more conscious of our own prejudice
and to shape our own convictions
within a gospel of love and justice.
Worship Celebration
Liturgies that rehearse the stories of
courage and faithfulness of gay, lesbian,
and bisexual Christians are shared
regularly. Singing songs like Julian
Rush’s “Ours the Journey” (which celebrates
our cultural, color, gender, economic,
and sexual diversity around a
theme of promise and exodus) keeps us
grounded in the God who leads our journey
to freedom. This is a journey we
must take, gay and straight together.
The worship celebration in our congregation
allows for a time of witnessing
to our current experience, speaking
of current events, personal prayer, and
engaging in dialogue with one another
regarding God’s word for our lives today.
By providing an environment where
persons can speak out of their own experience,
we have witnessed many moments
of shared pain and celebrations,
allowing for mutual support, healing,
and reconciliation. In such an open dialogue,
we discover that we support one
another in what is a day-to-day struggle
toward freedom in our sexual orientations.
In the dialogue or prayer time,
gay/lesbian/bisexual persons may come
out or speak honestly of their personal
experiences, trusting their straight allies
in the congregation. Straight persons are
likewise able to express themselves with
honesty. We need one another to face
the closed doors— the barriers which silence
us and do violence in church and
society.
Witnessing to Children
It is especially important that our children
have the experience of being a
part of an integrated community. My
own children have learned to accept the
differences we have as a community. I
tell my twin son and daughter, now ten
years old, about the lesbian couple who
helped to bring them home from the
hospital and the great support I received.
One lesbian woman in the church was
my older son’s Guide, assisting in his
membership/faith development, when
he was in junior high. In his teenage
years, he also attended a national Reconciling
Congregation Convocation,
and experienced the power of God’s love
in a new way as a growing, searching
young man. It has helped him to accept
himself and also to accept friends regardless
of their sexual orientation.
Children hear prejudice focused every
day at gay/lesbian/bisexual people,
but their experience in a loving, integrated
congregation, where people are
friends across sexual orientation lines,
shapes them more firmly in their Christian
faith. My children, and all the children
in our congregation, have been
informed by a community able to be
honest about the struggles and the joys
of being the free people God created us
to be.
Advocating Change in
Church and Society
I and members of my congregation
have been called upon many times to
speak about gay/lesbian/bisexual inclusiveness
in the church and society. This
is an important way to be an ally as a
straight person, clergy or lay. We may
have access to decision making in the
church and society that our brothers and
sisters who are gay/lesbian/bisexual do
not have except at great risk. I have
worked on commissions to promote
anti-discrimination laws in our local
municipality. Evanston is one of the few
cities in Illinois with such human rights
protections in housing, jobs, and commerce.
We can be allies in the political
process. Likewise, we can support legislation
in the church that protects and
affirms gay/lesbian/bisexual persons.
Clergy Witness
Clergy have a special responsibility
to speak within the church. We
have access to power and decision making
that can be used to be allies in our
judicatories. The full recognition of ordination
for gay/lesbian/bisexual persons
will not be realized until straight
allies stand up and speak out.
When a lesbian woman from our
congregation felt the call of God in her
life towards ordination, an amazing network
of persons from all sexual orientations
came together to be a witness to
her ministry. Because of pastors and lay
persons in the local church and judicatory,
members of judicatory boards of
ordained ministry, and persons struggling
with the truth of God’s love known
in all persons, she was accepted as a lesbian
woman for ordained ministry. The
hate and prejudice of some persons in
the conference forced legal decisions
that sought to force her out of ministry,
and her life ended in tragedy and suicide
before she could be ordained. To
our congregation, and all who knew and
loved her, she had already been ordained
by God for this ministry. Her death, like
her life, brought a new commitment
from all members of our congregation,
and from many in our Conference and
Board of Ordained Ministry, to live by
the liberating gospel to open the doors
of the church. So, still today, many provide
leadership and witness diligently
to full inclusion of gay and lesbian persons
to ordained ministry in the church.
We need each other. Together we
can be a witness to life and God’s
promise for all. As Holly Near’s song reminds
us:
“We are gay (lesbian/bisexual) and
straight together, and we are singing,
singing for our lives.” ▼
Betty Jo (B.J.) Birkhahn-Rommelfanger is
a United Methodist
clergywoman in the
Northern Illinois Conference.
Formerly pastor
of Wheadon UMC
in Evanston (a Reconciling
Congregation for
over a decade), she began
a new pastorate at
Ravenswood Fellowship UMC in Chicago
in July. She is a pastor, counselor, and local
and denominational church and community
leader.
22 Open Hands
The United Methodist office had
been furnished with new plants,
computer hardware, new telephone
system, copier, chairs, table, and
new pictures to decorate the walls. The
District Superintendent was exceptionally
excited and pleased at the selection
of the two new large posters of front
doors from two major cities from two
different parts of the world. These doors
were beautifully photographed with
their color enhanced so that the blues,
reds, yellows, and greens would seem
brighter and more attractive. There were
doors of various ages, designs, styles,
and colors, made of materials such as
wood, glass, metal, panel, and louvers.
The doors were architecturally distinctive
and compelling.
As I looked at the framed pictures, I
found them most intriguing and wondered
who must live behind those doors
and what life activity and history had
occurred beyond those colorful entrances.
As intriguing as I found them
in their attractiveness, however, I also
was perplexed and somewhat disturbed.
All the doors were closed. Was this just
my musing too much or was there a hidden
message and symbol of our true way
of looking at who we are. Were we to be
known as “those with the closed doors”?
The issue of inclusiveness, metaphorically
characterized by an open
door, is one with which we have continued
to struggle. We work within systems
that are often afraid to open their
doors, minds, and hearts. Yet, we must
remain within those closed doors as allies
to give support to persons and ideas
which will some day soon be accepted
wholeheartedly. We who work within
this church known as “those with the
closed doors” must be willing to bring
to light those unknowns that are the
basis for the fear which keeps us from
being inclusive. Such work is more than
education. It is the living out the possibilities
of being together as followers of
Alllliies IInsiide
Cllosed Doorrs
By Paul E. Santillán
Christ. It is being allies with those who
are not yet fully included.
Abundance theology is a powerful
and exciting way to live out God’s plan.
There is always room behind those
closed doors. There is infinite love and
compassion enough for all to receive.
To live otherwise contradicts all that we
believe in and proclaim. To make this
bold statement apart from the consensus
of the church is a great risk. It takes
someone who has reflected deeply— and
who feels confident that their conscience
and God is leading them—to say that
there is room for all called to be family.
God calls for the doors to be opened,
and those in leadership are given permission
and encouragement to break the
locks, take off the hinges, or change the
rules, whichever works best.
The big meetings of the church of
“those with the closed doors” have
passed. Yet God’s call, under abundant
theology, is not limited to those gatherings.
There is time now for the changes
to occur in the places where we find ourselves.
The risk is great but the cause is
worth it. ▼
Paul E. Santillán is a
new member of the program
staff of the Iowa
United Methodist Conference.
He lives in Des
Moines, Iowa.
Alban Institute Seeks Case Studies
Has your congregation designed and implemented a helpful, respectful process
for helping members talk about ministry with gays and lesbians? (The
outcome of the conversation is not as important as the process itself.) The
Alban Institute, a nondenominational nonprofit organization that seeks to
foster vigorous faithful ministry in mainline congregations, is gathering case
studies for a resource on welcoming churches. Contact: Beth Gaede, Editor,
318 Parkway Court, Minneapolis, MN 55419. 612/823-0864.
Summer 1996 23
“I would be celebrating my 39th
wedding anniversary today except
my husband, Ralph, who is gay, and
I separated three and one half
months ago.”
Those were the words with which
I began my coming out story to
a regional PFLAG seminar on
June 11, 1994. Sighs filled the room.
We had been married twelve years
when Ralph told me he was bisexual.
That was in 1967. I accepted his orientation.
People weren’t talking openly
about “sexual orientation” then. Ralph
was a church executive so there was no
way that he could talk about it for fear
of losing his job. We were silent with
the issue.
Our son Joel was eight and our
daughter Jill was six. We enjoyed the
children’s activities. We really cared for
each other and liked being together. The
children were in college when Ralph
told them of his orientation. Two more
people had a secret to keep.
Ralph and I shared a lot of issues. I
knew he liked being with men friends. I
trusted him when he said he hadn’t had
any affairs.
After spending time as a high school
teacher and working on my master’s
degree in counseling, I worked at a family
planning clinic. There I made friends
with women who were strong advocates
and astute, caring persons. During this
time I started pursuing my personhood.
I began meditating every morning. I
read a lot of books on caring for myself,
developed my inner strength, and
sought what spirituality meant for me.
Ralph resigned from his executive
responsibilities without a new position
secured. After working at several parttime
jobs, he applied for clinical pastoral
education residency. That year
turned his life around. He felt safe with
the resident group and came out to
them.
Our daughter, in her late twenties,
came out to us as a lesbian woman and
now has a loving partner, Anne. Several
years later our son was married and has
a loving partner, Darby.
We were living in Illinois when Ralph
was offered a position in Denver, Colorado.
He accepted it. He began coming
out more in work settings, community
groups, and writing articles. I supported
him.
I found employment soon after moving
to Denver, but after two years I
needed to resign. I needed time to
search my soul and find out what I
needed to do about our relationship. I
knew I needed to take care of myself. I
continued my meditating and reading.
I began seeing a spiritual director and I
read the book by Amity Pierce Buxton,
The Other Side of the Closet, which deals
with the coming out crisis for straight
spouses. As I worked through issues, I
knew that I did need to separate from
Ralph. Several of my close friends stood
by me and said, “you will know when
the time is right.”
Then one day, in January 1994, I
knew. I cried most of the day. When
Ralph came home, he knew we needed
to talk. We decided to separate and told
our family. Our letters to friends ended
by saying, “to honor the dignity of Barbara
and her womanhood and to honor
Ralph as a gay man, we are separating.”
Now over two years have passed and
I have felt clarity for the decision.
Through a lot of pain, loss, and grief, I
have come to a place of serenity. I appreciate
aloneness. I feel a strong love
for myself and know that I am okay. I
have been able to experience compassion
for the happy memories after times
of intense anger and grief.
A dear friend wrote, “Must admit that
I really felt your letter. In my own way I
can appreciate the strength and courage
that this is taking. To walk our own
walks with integrity certainly requires
a deeper commitment than I think most
of us ever dreamed. Thanks for sharing
with me. Life is to be lived fully and
reverently. Thanks for taking care of
yourself.”
I continue to be very grateful for the
support of family and friends. As time
moves on, I can see that I have put some
more pieces into the puzzle of my life’s
journey. I closed my presentation to that
PFLAG seminar by saying,
“This is the first time I have
shared with a group.
I have broken my silence and I am
out of the closet.”
▼
Barbara McFadden is now semi-retired,
having been a high school teacher, counselor,
interior designer, and musician. She
looks forward to new opportunities,
lifestyle changes, hope, and joy for the days
ahead. When she first
gave this presentation,
she was one of four
women who shared
their stories as straight
spouses opening their
closets.
Opening Spousal Closets:
Resources
Opening the Straight Spouse’s Closet
A very helpful 16-page pamphlet from
PFLAG. Good resource for pastors to
have on hand.
Straight Spouse Support Network (SSSN)
A national PFLAG network providing
straight spouses with resources, contacts,
and support.
Parents, Families,
Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG)
P.O. Box 96519,
Washington, DC 20090-6519
Phone: 202/638-4200
Fax: 202/638-0243
Email: PFLAGNTL@AOL.COM
Also see Resources, p. 28.
By Barbara McFadden
24 Open Hands
Aiirriing Outt
Spoussess’’
Cllossettss
By Donald W. Sinclair
She was hurting and she was angry when she asked
PFLAG Houston leaders “What do you have for the
spouses?” We had nothing; we knew nothing.
A Pastor in PFLAG
Organizes
The PFLAG Houston board of directors
decided we simply must begin
by involving the spouses themselves in
developing the understandings and insights
needed to be of help to those
whose marriage partners had come out
to them. I was assigned the task of facilitating
a Straight Spouse Support
Group immediately. We advertised in
the newspapers and especially in gay
men’s magazines since gay men usually
want to help their wives.
For the first year we met monthly at
the regular PFLAG meeting. We invited
both straight and gay persons who were,
or had been, married and had faced, or
were facing, the struggle of how to
handle a marriage situation. A majority
of the first ten or twelve members were
gay men already divorced who wished
to get help or to be of help in any way
possible. The group soon enlarged to
fifteen or eighteen participants and included
a few more married couples
struggling with how to go about airing
out all their closets.
Gay/Straight Meeting
Tensions
We discovered that straight spouses
are not usually interested in the
“gay is OK” programs of PFLAG general
meetings. However, some straight
spouses in our group emphasized that
they had gained valuable knowledge
about homosexuality from gay members
in the general meetings and in the
joint gay/straight spouse meetings. Ultimately,
we decided to hold the joint
gay/straight spouse meetings at the
regular monthly PFLAG meetings and
offered weekly straight-spouse-only
meetings on the other weeks.
I was surprised that none of the
straight spouses could provide space in
homes or apartments, because of children
or smaller quarters after moving
out, etc. We met in my spacious office.
During the second year, attendance declined
and participants decided to meet
separately only once a month. Over a
two-year period we served twenty-five
different persons.
What Did We Do in
Meetings?
Because I did not know what was
needed, I asked the first participants
to write down ten things a straight
spouse needs. We laughed at the practical
things offered like, “We need... tranquilizers,
facial tissues, reference books
to read, and a straight spouse.” After that
comical release, the items became
weightier (see next page).
Family Closets
By Mitzi Henderson
Seeking to fit in, gay and lesbian
persons often marry, only
to find later that this relationship
cannot be sustained. The resulting
crisis involves particular pain
and confusion for straight
spouses. Feeling rejected, used,
or betrayed, they question why
they didn’t discern this situation
for themselves.
Care and support of straight
spouses requires special understanding
as they face homosexuality
in a time of life-changing
crisis. The support of
knowledgeable family and
friends, and compassion for
both spouses, can do much to
help the family find healing.
Where PFLAG or other spousal
support groups are available,
they offer sharing and resources
not always available within the
local congregation.
Mitzi Henderson is the national
president of PFLAG.
Summer 1996 25
We spent future meeting times working
on these issues. The separate meetings
included checking with how each
other was doing, crying and laughing
together, posing questions and getting
advice, and making some decisions
about how each person might proceed
next. The joint meetings generated some
heat when some of the straight wives
felt another straight wife was being
manipulated by her husband. Participants
at different points in their journey
do not accept the rationalizations
or supposed possibilities projected by
others. They see their own early mistakes
in other couples and sometimes offer
warning or even rejection of the couple’s
present plans and efforts. The language
can easily turn to accusations and challenges
which can cause offense. Gay
men who had already been divorced
often attempted to help other gay men
and their wives with understandings and
suggestions they were not always ready
to hear or accept.
Participants in the group agreed that
the primary goal each partner should
try to achieve was the greatest degree of
happiness possible for all persons involved
in the situation.
Leader and Group Needs
In the separate spouses’ meetings, it is
imperative the facilitator be a seasoned
member of PFLAG who periodically
reminds straight spouses that their
gay partners have been through years
of emotional trauma with their secret
and that they did not set out to hurt
them or cause this pain.
Leaders also need to remember that
even though the group will be a lifesaver
for most participants, most
spouses mend and grow and find their
way to beginning their lives again.
PFLAG and the leaders must always be
ready to keep graduating the participants
and forming new groups. Our
group has two spouses who plan to remain
to help others in the process of
airing out their closets and getting on
with their lives. Continued advertising
and trying to get newspaper reporters
to run a story (something we never
could achieve) could be critical in reaching
spouses. We were sure there were
many more spouses out there.
The presence of a pastor who has
PFLAG’s understanding of homosexuality
is very helpful to straight spouses,
mixed groups, or extended family members.
The pain and anger is great and
difficult to work through. Time must
not be wasted on false blame or sympathy.
Condemnation by the religious
community or other misinformed persons
would prevent growth toward
wholeness. It also helps for a pastor to
say, “There are usually no culprits or bad
persons involved. No one set out to hurt
or betray someone else.” Pastors who
have a grasp of the gay person’s struggle
and the social and religious pressure to
“just get married and you will forget
this!” are desperately needed by straight
spouses and extended family members
for a brief period. They can help everyone
handle, in a constructive and civil
way, the real facts of sexual orientation
and the real issue of finding the greatest
degree of happiness for all persons concerned.
Stemming the Underlying
Problem
It became enormously clear to me that
the problem is that our youth do not
have full information on human sexuality
provided early in life. Nothing need
be “promoted” in this information.
Young persons just need to know that
there are different sexual orientations
and that sometimes girls and boys are
not naturally attracted to the other sex.
They need to be armed with this knowledge
and offered places and persons they
can talk with about any of their concerns.
Otherwise pastors, teachers, counselors,
and parents will keep urging
marriage and “getting over this phase”
in life. Homosexuals will continue to
try to “fit in”— and marriages which
never should have taken place will keep
happening.▼
Donald W. Sinclair recently retired after
forty-five years in the Texas Annual Conference,
UMC. He served the last ten years
as pastor of Bering Memorial UMC in
Houston (the first Reconciling Congregation
in Texas) where
a vast HIV/AIDS program
was developed.
He also ser ved as
vice-president and
then president of
PFLAG Houston during
1994 and 1995.
Straight Spouses Need...
time to adjust
persons to talk with openly
to speak aloud the facts and emotional feelings
to cry
to understand homosexuality
to develop self-confidence again
to love myself again
to hear the gay/lesbian side
to know I am not alone
to know it is OK to feel the way I feel
to accept the fact that my spouse’s sexual orientation is not a
reflection on me
to deal with my feelings of “betrayal”
to be given hope that I will not always feel this way
to know how to tell the children and our parents
to talk about “Should we divorce?” and “Should I protect my
homosexual spouse in the extended family or at work?”
—Generated by PFLAG Houston Spouses’ Support Group
26 Open Hands
TIIPS
By Anita C. Hill and Susan L. Thornton
Anita C. Hill is pastoral minister of St. Paul-
Reformation Lutheran (a Reconciled in Christ
church) in St. Paul, Minnesota. Susan L.
Thornton is an interim pastor of Plymouth Congregational
Church in Minneapolis, Minnesota.
For Ordained Leaders
Coming Out in an Interview
1. Ask for God’s guidance in the process so your coming
out may be a witness of your faith commitments.
2. Know your denomination’s polity, history, and politics
about ordination and placement of openly
lesbigay candidates.
3. Discuss the options with advocates as well as other
lesbigay candidates and clergy. Consider cultivating
a group of people who can provide ongoing support,
critical perspective, and clarification of issues.
4. Do some homework before meeting with the
pastor-parish or search committee on the congregation’s:
a) stance regarding lesbigay members and ordained
leaders,
b) manner (formal and informal) of addressing controversial
or difficult issues,
c) way of dealing with differences.
5. Begin the conversation with one or two people, if
possible. Their questions will help you know what
needs to be addressed in the larger group.
6. Treat everyone as a potential ally. Enter the process
with a loving heart.
7. Treat every question as an opportunity for education
and enlightenment. Make sure there is time for
dialogue and response to questions.
8. Keep it simple and positive rather than focusing on
what you are against.
9. Articulate clearly why it is important, for you and
the community, that you be out of the closet.
10. Strive to keep a sense of humor in the midst of it all.
For Congregations
Someone’s Come Out—Now What?
1. Thank them for their courage and willingness to help
your community grow regarding the open involvement
of lesbigay people.
2. Ask the person what s/he feels s/he wants for support.
Each individual is unique.
3. Help them network among supportive individuals.
4. Don’t assume everything is going great because
things are quiet in the congregation. Check it out
regularly with the individuals who have come out.
5. Help establish a milieu in which everyone can feel
free to ask questions and keep the dialogue open.
6. Provide educational opportunities for groups as well
as individual conversation times for people in the
congregation who may have questions they are afraid
to ask or don’t know how to articulate.
7. Be an ally. Don’t wait for lesbigay people to be the
ones to raise issues of justice within your community
and congregation.
8. Acknowledge that someone’s coming out may cause
discomfort for lesbigay people who are not out. Be
prepared to respond to differences.
9. Pray for the individual and the congregation that
each person in the community may reflect Christ’s
loving openness toward one another.
Summer 1996 27
Amazing grace! How sweet your sound;
Your song, it sets us free!
You open hearts that once were closed
and bring us to believe.
And when our hearts fill up with fear,
we pray to be relieved.
Let grace come knocking at our door
and bring us to believe.
Through many dangers, toils, and snares,
we have already come.
Tis grace that brought us safe thus far
and grace will lead us home.
When we’ve been here ten thousand years,
if still we cannot see;
Dear grace, please open up our eyes
and bring us to believe.
Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
that saved a soul like me!
I once was told to hide, but now
I’m heard and seen and free.
New Words ©1996 Judy Fjell (BMI)
P.O. Box 2001, Yountville, CA 94599
Phone: 707/944-2420 FAX 707/944-0605
E-mail WoMaMu@aol.com
Original words by John Newton, 1779
Now in public domain
Judy Fjell, singer/songwriter, tours throughout the United States,
performing concerts and leading Music Empowerment workshops.
In her workshops she helps participants have a voice in the creation
of culture by making their own music with songs and acoustic
instruments. To book her for a concert or workshop, or to receive
information on her summer music camps in Montana, contact
address at left.
Denver United Methodist Conference
April ’96, rev. June ‘96
Sustaining
the Spirit
28 Open Hands
Selected
Resources
Coming Out
Jennings, Kevin, ed. One Teacher in Ten: Gay and Lesbian Educators
Tell Their Stories. Boston: Alyson, 1994. Educators from all
regions of the U.S. share their struggles and victories as they
put their careers at risk in their fight for justice.
Johansson, Warren and William A. Percy. Outing: Shattering the
Conspiracy of Silence. New York: Harrington Park, 1994. A historical
look at outing, from being “ferreted out” to freely claiming
one’s identity. Traces outing from pagan Greek and Roman
tolerance, to ancient Judeo-Christian intolerance, to
modern American movements.
O’Neil, Craig and Kathleen Ritter. Coming Out Within: Stages of
Spiritual Awakening for Lesbians and Gay Men, the Journey From
Loss to Transformation. New York: Harper Collins, 1992. Explores
the process of spiritual healing and wholeness necessary
for gay and lesbian people. Helpful for pastors and helping
professionals as well as gay and lesbian people.
Rasi, Richard A. and Lourdes Rodriguez-Nogues, eds. Out in the
Workplace: The Pleasures and Perils of Coming Out on the Job.
Los Angeles: Alyson, 1995. Explores questions and dangers of
coming out or not on the job.
Signorile, Michaelangelo. Outing Yourself. New York: Random,
1995. How to come out to your family, your friends, and your
coworkers (subtitle).
For Children and Youth
Be Yourself: Questions & Answers for Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual Youth.
A booklet available from PFLAG. Call 1-800-4-FAMILY.
Gailmor, Jon. Childish Eyes. Softwood Recordings, PO Box 65,
Lake Elmore, VT 05657. 802/888-3625. One song, “Welcome
Back,” is about a child and his gay father.
Romesburg, Don. Young, Gay, & Proud. 4th ed. Boston: AlyCat
(Alyson), 1995. Should be on every pastor, counselor, and
teacher’s bookshelf for lending or give-away!
Willhoite, Michael. Uncle What-Is-It Is Coming to Visit. Boston:
Alyson Wonderland, 1993. Older friends alarm two children
about what “gay” means, but their gay uncle shatters myths.
Parents of Lesbigay Children
Aarons, Leroy. Prayers for Bobby. San Francisco: Harper, 1995. The
story of a mother’s turn-around after the suicide of her gay
son whom she had told to pray that his homosexuality would
be healed by God.
Borhek, Mary V. Coming Out to Parents: A Two-Way Survival Guide
for Lesbians and Gay Men and Their Parents. Cleveland: Pilgrim,
1993. Sections for gay/lesbian folks and parents.
Cantwell, Mary Ann. Homosexuality: The Secret a Child Dare Not
Tell. San Rafael: Rafael, 1996. “Without words, without warning,
without knowing it,” writes Mary Ann, “we teach many of
our children that there’s something wrong with them. We teach
them so well that they hide themselves to protect us from discovering
that they are something unacceptable to us.”
Switzer, David K. Coming Out as Parents: You and Your Homosexual
Child. Louisville: Westminster John Knox, 1996. A complete
rewrite of Parents of the Homosexual. Deals with common first
responses of parents who learn a child is gay or lesbian. Good
resource for pastors/counselors also.
L/G/B/T and Christian
Bess, Howard H. Pastor, I Am Gay. Palmer, Alaska: Palmer, 1995.
One pastor’s journey with gays and lesbians. Invites pastors
and churches members to accept the challenge of reconciliation
with them.
Comstock, Gary David. Unrepentant, Self-Affirming, Practicing:
Lesbian/Bisexual/Gay People within Organized Religion. New York:
Continuum, 1996. Thoroughly documented description of lesbian/
bisexual/gay/transgendered people within organized religion
and how they view religion. A much-needed “flip-side”
of studies on l/g/b/t folks.
Morrison, Melanie. The Grace of Coming Home: Spirituality, Sexuality,
and the Struggle for Justice. Cleveland: Pilgrim, 1995. Stories
and sermons reflect on the struggles and joys of coming
out and seeking justice.
Spahr, Jane Adams, et. al., eds. Called OUT: The Voices and Gifts of
Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgendered Presbyterians.
Gaithersburg: Chi Rho, 1995. The section headings tell the focus:
OUT-Stretched Hand of God, OUT of Order, OUT and
Organizing, OUT from the South, OUT and Moved On.
Tigert, Leanne. Coming Out While Staying In: Struggles and
Celebrations of Gay/Lesbian/Bisexuals in the Church. Cleveland:
Pilgrim, 1996. Storytelling and interviews offer a psychological
and theological understanding of the journeys of g/l/b
Christians.
Straight Spouses
Buxton, Amity Pierce. The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-
Out Crisis for Straight Spouses. rev. ed. Wiley, 1994. Based on
five years of research and hundreds of interviews with straight
spouses of lesbian and gay partners. Explores major concerns
that spouses confront when spouses come out to them. Good
background for pastoral counselors.
Gochros, Jean Schaar. When Husbands Come Out of the Closet.
New York: Harrington Park, 1989. Helpful and sensitive discussion
for women with gay or bisexual husbands or partners.
Summer 1996 29
MORE LIGHT
Movement News
Southminster Presbyterian Church
Beaverton, Oregon
Southminster, located in a suburban community in the
Greater Portland area, views itself as a challenging and supportive
community where faith is taken seriously and issues
are discussed openly and honestly. The Rev. Jim Petersen, who
has served the congregation for twenty-eight years, recalls the
anxiety fifteen years ago when he invited a Presbyterian pastor
who had recently “come out” to share in a dialogue sermon.
Ten years later the same pastor was invited back and the
congregation began a process leading to a More Light Declaration,
adopted in the midst of a capital funds drive!
St. Andrew Presbyterian Church
Austin, Texas
St. Andrew, located in a conservative area, now has a membership
of 425, having lost almost 150 members in the process
of becoming a More Light Church. Pastor James Rigby reports
that “While we lost members and money, we gained integrity
and a sense of being truly committed to Christ.” The Session,
which had voted to stand on principle even if they lost the
building, has been supported by the congregation and has
helped move the church to the place where sexual orientation
is no longer an issue in the election of leadership.
Epiphany United Church of Christ
St. Louis, Missouri
The 80 members of this urban congregation are committed
to serving the physical and spiritual needs of their community
and to reflecting (in the church’s makeup) the diversity
of that community. The church has recently begun a “Block
Care” program—an outreach of “presence and invitation” where
Epiphany individuals or teams are assigned to blocks in the
neighborhood to get to know residents and their concerns and
build relationships. Church members also participate in a
monthly ecumenical gay/lesbian worship service.
First Congregational UCC
Waukegan, Illinois
This 80-member congregation is committed to the spiritual
journey and community outreach. With the assistance of
a consultant from the Alban Institute, it has been revitalizing
its membership and mission. Four task teams are working on
evangelism, identity development, resources, and team ministry.
The congregation has added books on gay/lesbian issues
to its library and keeps informed about current issues (e.g.,
local and national action on same-sex marriages and other ONArelated
topics) through a bulletin board in the narthex.
More Churches Declare Welcoming Stance
Dayton Avenue Presbyterian Church
St. Paul, Minnesota
Located less than a mile from the state capitol in a transitional
urban area, the Dayton Avenue congregation of slightly
less than 200 members is multi-racial and multi-cultural. It
has a long history of ministry in its neighborhood. The issue
of church and homosexuality was raised by the congregation’s
social action committee, which led to a two-year process involving
the entire congregation. The Rev. H. David Stewart
believes that study prior to Session action enabled people who
do not agree with one another to remain active in the church
and also encouraged those who were not at all sure the church
would risk taking a position.
First Presbyterian Church
Albany, New York
A downtown church only a few blocks from the State Capitol,
First Presbyterian is a progressive congregation of more
than 700 members. It has a long history of being intentionally
inclusive in its membership and programs. Its interim pastor,
the Rev. Robert Conover, reports that declaring itself a More
Light Church has helped the congregation define itself to its
own members and the surrounding community. The decision
has also helped shape its sense of mission for the future.
Presbyterian New England Congregational Church
Saratoga Springs, New York
Located in a semi-resort community which is the home of
Skidmore College, this church of 325 members has been served
for the last twenty-three years by the Rev. John Ekman who
reports that “the church is united in a common desire to avoid
boring religion.” After the congregation earlier refused to support
a decision to become a Sanctuary Church, the Session
proceeded with its More Light declaration only after gaining
broad-based support within the congregation. Few openly gay
and lesbian members attend, so the Session’s action reflects its
sense of mission and commitment to justice in the church.
OPEN AND AFFIRMING
30 Open Hands
First Congregational UCC
Santa Rosa, California
This vital, inclusive, growing congregation, located in the
north Bay Area near San Francisco, has 195 members. Arising
out of significant changes in its membership (through deaths,
the comings and goings of members, and new people coming
in), the church has been involved in a self-study which will
ultimately lead to a mission statement. Through conversations
and the recording of oral histories, members are learning about
the faith story of individuals and the church as a community.
Part of that story will be their numerous experiences of being
a resource to other churches interested in the ONA process.
Newton Highlands Congregational Church
Newton Highlands, Massachusetts
This suburban congregation of about 300 members is a
“neighborhood church with a world vision.” The fall of 1995
brought changes and challenges for this faith community—
the decision to become ONA and the beginning of a search
process for a new senior pastor. The “interim period” has been
an important time for congregational reflection on “who we
are and where we’re going.” An associate pastor who is openly
lesbian has given the church cause for celebration with the
birth of a daughter last spring! Members of the church continue
informal outreach to the gay/lesbian community and
hope to begin a gay/lesbian “gathering group” this fall.
Grace Evangelical Lutheran Church
Houston, Texas
Grace Church is a 75-year-old inner-city parish which has
always been known as a warm and welcoming house of worship.
In the early 1980s a strong core congregation decided to
take a faith-filled approach to counter its slow decline by intentionally
reaching out to the neighborhood in which it was
placed—to share the unconditional love of Christ without hesitation
or reservation. In the spring of 1995, Grace decided to
put a name to this perspective on outreach as it affected the
significant gay and lesbian population of the local Montrose
area. The church council recommended adoption of the Reconciled
in Christ statement (the first ELCA congregation in
Houston to do so), which the membership passed by unanimous
vote.
Lutheran Campus Ministry at KSU
Manhattan, Kansas
The Reconciled in Christ process began at this LCM when
the student group requested of the campus pastor an opportunity
to study the issue of homosexuality and their Christian
response. Thus began a long journey of prayer, Bible study,
and discussion using “Can We Talk About This: ELCA Guide
for Christians Preparing to Discuss Homosexuality.” Other elements
included in the decision-making process were conversations
with a lesbian Christian from another church, the synodical
bishop, local board members, and pastors. The
Affirmation of Welcome was adopted March 17, 1996, and the
community “came out” as RIC on Easter evening, remembering
Jesus’ appearance to the frightened ones who were locked
behind closed doors. LCM at KSU is presently the only official
RIC community of the ELCA in Kansas.
Asbury United Methodist Church
Phoenix, Arizona
Located in the center of the city, this congregation declined
for many years as its neighborhood changed. Then, a year and
a half ago, a request by a local MCC congregation for meeting
space opened a new avenue for ministry. Outreach as an “accepting”
community has drawn in many new members—both
gay/lesbian and heterosexual. Membership is up to about 140
and finances are improving. The congregation hosts a weekly
feeding program for persons with AIDS. The music ministry is
expanding with the addition of a handbell choir. Visitors comment
on the “warmth and love” apparent at Asbury.
Community United Methodist Church
Slingerlands, New York
Located in a suburb of Albany, Community UMC celebrates
its 125th anniversary this year. In an area where many churches
are large, Community’s 350 members are attracted by its “sense
of community.” The congregation is building a Habitat for
Humanity house with other UM churches and is active in outreach
in the inner-city of Albany. The congregation reflects
the diversity of its community in age, marital status, and sexual
orientation.
Epworth United Methodist Church
Chicago, Illinois
This 106-year-old church was once quite affluent. The transition
of the neighborhood in the 1960s led to a period of
decline. Eleven years ago, distressed by the death of a homeless
person in the alley behind the church, members opened a
shelter. Not long after, a tutoring program began for neighborhood
children and youth. This strong commitment to mission
in a multi-racial, multi-economic community is key to
the congregation’s identity. Epworth’s 130 members are proud
of their diversity. It is evenly divided among three groups of
people: Filipino-American, African/African-American, and
RECONCILED IN CHRIST
RECONCILING
Summer 1996 31
Anglo. “We have seminary professors and welfare mothers in
this community of faith.”
Epworth United Methodist Church
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Two years ago this congregation faced the choice of disbanding
or reorganizing as a new form of ministry. A new
pastor, Kathy McCallie, arrived in the summer of 1995 and began
“striving to follow in the reconciling ministry of Jesus as a
justice-seeking community.” Worship attendance jumped from
30 to 180. Located in a poor, transitional community, Epworth
offers a free medical clinic, Spanish classes, AIDS care teams,
and an after-school children’s program. Several neighborhood
associations and community groups are housed in the building.
The church program provides for a diverse congregation,
with activities ranging from a quilting class for older members
to a gay Bible study to dance lessons.
Fellowship United Methodist Church
Vallejo, California
Fellowship UMC began as a Filipino-American Sunday
School group which met in a private home. Since people of
color were not readily accepted by mainstream churches at
that time, this group dreamed of building a church where they
could meet without fear of rejection. By 1957 a church building
was constructed and it has become a home to people of all
races. The congregation now has over 200 members and is
growing. Having been the target of prejudice, the congregation—
with almost no dissension—decided to open its doors
even wider to include persons with different lifestyles and
sexual orientations. On May 21, 1995, Fellowship UMC celebrated
this decision to become a Reconciling Congregation.
“We are proud to join with other United Methodist churches
in opening the doors to all who would enter.”
First United Methodist Church
Schenectady, New York
First UMC was founded at the center of Schenectady in 1789.
Over the past century, the congregation has developed an identity
as a strongly evangelistic, justice-oriented church—“we are
working to minister with the city.” The congregation has been
involved in the formation of most local justice-seeking and
service organizations. An ecumenical food pantry is housed in
the building as well as an agency which rehabs houses for lowincome
families. The congregation’s 430 members are active
in peacemaking and political causes. Sunday worship is broadcast
on local cable TV.
Plattsburgh United Methodist Church
Plattsburgh, New York
The Methodist presence in this small city on the shores of
Lake Champlain dates back to the early nineteenth century.
The congregation’s current building was constructed in the
1950s. Plattsburgh UMC’s 525 members have long been active
in ecumenical ministries with persons in need. For many years
the community provided ministry to refugees en route to
Canada for asylum. The congregation houses a day care center,
Headstart program, a Boy Scout group, and several 12-step
groups. A new pipe organ was recently installed to support a
strong worship and music program. The recent closing of a
military base, one of the area’s largest employers, has brought
about a ministry to families and persons in transition.
Trinity United Methodist Church
Atlanta, Georgia
Founded in 1854, Trinity UMC lies in the heart of downtown
Atlanta, across the street from city hall. This diverse congregation
of 250 has carried out a ministry with homeless persons
since the 1930s. Trinity Community Ministries now
includes: Trinity Table, a soup kitchen; Trinity House, transitional
housing; and the Living Room, a housing ministry with
persons with AIDS. Located in the heart of the Olympic district,
Trinity opened its doors this summer to thousands of
international passersby for rest and water and to view displays
including the Mennonite Peace Factory, PFLAG, Reconciling
Congregation Program, Church Women United, and the World
Council of Churches.
New ONA Program Associate
The ONA Advisory Committee (ONA Program, UCCL/GC)
is pleased to announce the appointment of Kevin Measimer as
ONA Program Associate for Higher Education. A graduate of
Lancaster Theological Seminary, Kevin makes his home in
Connecticut. In consultation with other leadership of the ONA
Program, he will help develop and support ONA witness by
UCC related colleges/universities, seminaries, etc. Persons may
contact Kevin at: 255 Twin Lakes Road, North Branford, CT
06471. (KevinMeas@aol.com)
Theme will explore civil and religious concerns about same-sex marriage. Articles needed:
church and state as the “other partners” in a marriage; the marriage debate in gay/lesbian
culture; overview of legal challenges/defenses of heterosexual marriage; historical overview
of same-sex unions; theological articles on sexuality, unions, covenants, power/gift
of ritual, changing morality issues. Hymns/songs/poetry/liturgy appropriate for same-sex
unions are welcome.
Write or call with idea: October 15 Manuscript deadline: January 15
Call for Articles
for Spring 1997
Same-Sex Marriage
If you would like to write an article, contact Editor, RCP, 3801 N. Keeler, Chicago, IL 60641
WELCOMING CHURCH LISTS AVAILABLE
The complete ecumenical list of welcoming churches is
printed in the winter issue of Open Hands each year. For a
more up-to-date list of your particular denomination, contact
the appropriate program listed on page 3.
32 Open Hands
Reconciling United Methodists Open the
Doors
The Open the Doors campaign of the Reconciling
Congregation Program (RCP) profoundly
impacted the 1996 General Conference
of The United Methodist Church which met
in Denver, April 16-26. Delegates were
greeted by Open the Doors posters in business
windows, volunteers opening doors
daily, welcome mats at hotel room doors, and
“knock knock” joke cards. Over 10,000 names of Reconciling
United Methodists were publicly displayed. Delegates heard
painful stories of discrimination at a press conference. Youth,
students, and seminarians chanted, marched, prayed, and sang
for “open doors” at a rally. Caught in the Middle, a musical
written especially for General Conference, moved 1200 persons
to tears and laughter in nine performances. Over 400 persons
reaffirmed their baptismal vows and celebrated holy communion
at St. Paul’s UMC (Denver’s only RC). General
Conference maintained unwelcoming positions, refusing even
to acknowledge that “we are not of one mind.” After one painful
vote, volunteers gathered to pray, sing, and console, and
then returned to open doors in silence as delegates gathered
for the evening session.
The RCP will hold Threshold Meetings in thirty-plus annual
conferences this fall as part of its visioning process.
Presbyterians Protest, Support Civil
Rights, Celebrate
A thousand people marched in protest through the hall of
the 208th General Assembly of the Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.)
in Albuquerque, New Mexico in July following a vote to send
to the presbyteries for ratification an amendment to the Book
of Order to prevent non-celibate gays and lesbians from being
ordained or installed as ministers, elders, or deacons. If adopted
by a majority of presbyteries, the amendment would make relief
by judicial review for gays and lesbians seeking ordination
much more difficult. The amendment adds a new standard for
those seeking ordination: “the requirement to live either in
fidelity within the covenant of marriage of a man and a woman,
or in chastity in singleness. Persons refusing to repent of any
self-acknowledged practice which the Confessions call sin shall
not be ordained and/or installed as deacons, elders, or ministers
of Word and Sacrament.”
In other action, the General Assembly affirmed the church’s
historic definition of marriage as a civil contract between a
man and a woman, but supported “committed same-sex partners
seeking equal civil liberties in a contractual relationship
with all the civil rights of married couples.”
The 73 More Light churches (those publicly willing to ordain
gay and lesbian members to church office) were given
the Witherspoon Society’s Congregation Award at the society’s
annual luncheon during General Assembly. In accepting the
award for the congregations, Virginia West Davidson, co-moderator
of the More Light Churches Network, said, “The heart
of the movement is hospitality—loving each other as we love
ourselves. As love grows, mistrust and fear melt away.”
A Unique Resource on
Lesbian/Gay/Bisexual
Concerns in the Church for
Christian Education • Personal Reading
Research Projects • Worship Resources
Ministry & Outreach
Published by the Reconciling Congregation
Program in conjunction with More
Light, Open and Affirming, Reconciled in
Christ, and Welcoming & Affirming Baptist
programs.
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SCN Dances at the Table
The Supportive Congregations Network (SCN) conference,
“Dancing at the Table: Re-Imagining the Church” invited participants
to imagine and celebrate an inclusive church through
biblical stories of rejection and redemption, original musical
compositions, dance, and stories from congregations and individuals.
Over 300 people, from infants to elders, gathered
together in North Manchester, Indiana on June 28-30. “Dancing
at the Table” became a home of the Spirit where a participant
reflected, “This is the first time I have been able to fully
participate in worship without feeling like an impostor...”
Currently, 16 Mennonite and Church of the Brethren congregations
publicly welcome gay, lesbian, and bisexual members.
An additional 52 congregations are listed as “Exploring
Congregations” through SCN. Several hundred individuals recently
identified themselves as “Friends of SCN.”
Episcopal Church Court Rules
An Episcopal church court ruled on May 15 “that there is
no core doctrine prohibiting the ordination of a non-celibate
homosexual person living in a faithful and committed sexual
relationship with a person of the same sex,” thus absolving
Bishop Walter C. Righter of a heresy charge for ordaining an
openly gay priest. “This hopeful decision should have implications
for other Protestant communions as well,” says the
editor of MFSA’s Social Questions Bulletin.