Open Hands Vol 5 No 2 - Images of Family

Open Hands Vol 5 No 2 - Images of Family

5

2

1989

Fall

"Is your heart true to my heart as mine
• ? lrl·
IS to yours . . .. J It is, give me your hand. " 2 Kings 10:15
Reconciling Mini3tries with Lesbians and Gay Men
Vol. 5 No.2 Fall 1989
I
IMAGES OF FAMILY
Reconciling
Ministries with Lesbians and Gay Men
Open Hands is published by Affirmation: United Methodists for lesbian/Gay Concerns, Inc., as a resource for the Reconciling Congregation Program. It addresses concerns of lesbians and gay men as they relate to the ministry of the church.
The Reconciling Congregation Program is a network of United Methodist local churches who publicly affirm their ministry with the whole family of God and who welcome lesbians and gay men into their community. In this network, Reconciling Congregations find strength and support as they strive to overcome the divisions caused by prejudice and homophobia in our church and in our society. Together these congregations offer hope that the church can be a reconciled community.
To enable local churches to engage in these ministries, the program provides resource materials, including Open Hands. Resource persons are available locally to assist a congregation that is seeking to become a Reconciling Congrega tion.
Information about the program can be obtained from:
Reconciling Congregation Program
P.O. Box 23636
Washinblion, DC 20026
Phone: 202/863-1586
Vol. 5 No.2 Fall 1989
The Bible, the Church, and the Family . . .. . ............... . . . .... 4
William A. Beardslee and John B. Cobb, Jr.
Making Connections: Intentional Family . ...... . ... . . .. . .. .... . . . . 6
Cindy Darcy
Finding My Way ........... .. . . ............................ . .. .. 8
Anonymous
It's OK to Go to Bed with Pizza on Your Face ..... . . .. .. . ... . .... 10
Millie Jesson and Susan Pavlik
A Father's Testimony .. . . . . ..... . ........... ... ...... .Il
Oliver Powell
With Love Always, Richard ...... ... .. . . .. ..... .. . . .. . . ... . .. . .. 12
Richard Swanson
A Wedding Journal ........... . .. ..... .. ........... . .. .. ....., . . 14
Marshall Brewer and John Calvi
Same-Sex Marriage: It's Nothing New . ..... . . . ... . ....... . . .. .. . . 16
Dick Burdon
After the Shock ......... .. ... ..... .. . . ..... ..... ..... ......... .17 Jane E. Vennard
Strength for the Journey . .... ......... .. . . ....... . . . . . .......... 19
E. Marie Wright-Self
Sustaining the Spirit ..... . . ... . .. ..... .. . . ......... . .. . . . ...... 18 Part of the Family
Jim Manley
Resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ........ 20 Letters .. . .. . . ...... ... .. ...... .. . .. .. . .. . ...... . .... . .. . ...... 21 R CP Report . .. . ..... . ...... . ....... . ...... . ... . ...............22
It's OK to Go to Bed with Pizza
Same-Sex Marriage:
on Your Face ..... . ........... 10
Ifs Nothing New ........ .. . . . 16
2
Open Hands
Images of Family
Family-what a great feeling to be part of a community that supports, accepts, confronts, judges, and helps give guidance to our
lives.
One New Testament story presents insight into Jesus' understanding of family. In the scripture, Jesus' disciples come to him, saying, "Jesus, your mother and sisters and brothers are outside." Jesus responds with a penetrating question---':'Who is my mother and brother and family? '':''''-then he provides the answer: "It is those who do the will of God." Through his response, Jesus explodes the simple mother/father, sister/brother image of family.
Lyle loder, a long-time leader of Affirmation: United Methodists for Lesbian/Gay Concerns until his death in 1987, often used the phrase "This is family!" He was saying that the people who really cared and were willing to be present with each other through all life's ups and downs were "family."
In this issue of Open Hands, we examine areas in our society and our church in which gay men and lesbians, and the loved ones in their lives, find and experience (or are denied) family. Two inescapable conclusions come through the personal stories told here. One is simply that the "nuclear" image is no longer adequate to define what a family is (if, indeed, that image ever was adequate). This is demonstrated by the vast diversity of connections and living arrangements that people say form the basis of family in their lives. Second, and perhaps most important: all of us-whether gay/lesbian or nongay; coupled or single; young, old, or somewhere in between-need a close sense of family, however we define it, as we face the challenges and struggles of our lives.
* * * * *
As we promised a few issues back, in this issue we begin printing "letters to the editor." We are constantly striving to expand Open Hands as a forum for you (our readers) to participate with us in producing this magazine. We encourage you to write us, either in reaction to something we print or in expression of some other concern affecting lesbians and gay men in the church. We may not have room for every letter, and we may have to edit some of your letters to fit space available, but we do want to hear from you. Please write us at the address to the right.
Next Issue's Theme:
The Ecumenical Lesbian/Gay Movement
ReconCiling Congregation Program Coordinator
Mark Bowman
Open Hands Co-Editors
M. Burrill Bradley Rymph
This Issue's Coordinators
Bert All lois Seifert
Graphic Design
Supon Design Group, Inc.
Open Hands is published four times a year. Subscription is $16 for four issues ($20 outside the U.S.A.). Single copies are available for $5 each; quantities of 10 or more are $3 each. Permission to reprint is granted upon request. Rep~ints of certain articles are available as indicated in the issue. Subscriptions, requests for advertising rates and information, and other correspondence should be sent to:
Open Hands
P.O. Box 23636
Washington, DC 20026
Phone: 202/863-1586
Copyright © 1989 by Affirmation: United Methodists for lesbian/Gay Concerns, Inc.
Member, The Associated Church Press
ISSN 0888-8833
Fall 1989 3
The Bible, the Church, and the Family
What is a family? Perhaps the deepest meaning of the family is that it is a group of people
among whom each has an unconditional place.
o
You belong there, and the members of the family accept
o
responsibility for you. Of course, this only works well if
o
the responsibility is mutual. To recognize someone as a
o
member of your family is to take responsibility for that
o
person "for better, for worse." Of course, the term unconditiona.l is a bit of an exago
geration. Sometimes obedience to a parent (most como
monly the father) is in fact a condition of being in a
• family, and children who refuse that obedience are
o
disowned. Still, family remains a strong term. A great
o
deal of mutual resentment, animosity, and failure in
o
fulfilling responsibilities can be contained within a family : without ending the mutual commitments and shared be-
o
longing that give it its distinctive character. We might say
o
that, whereas in most groups membership is a privilege to
o
be merited, in a family it is a right that is forfeited only in extreme circumstances. The scope and membership of families have varied : greatly among cultures. In our culture the primary image
o
of the family has been mother, father, an.d children (though, in truth, this image is reality for only a minority
o
of American households). The parents of the mother and
o
father, and the children of the children, are also included to a considerable degree in most images of the family. Frequently, if parents cannot care for their children, the
o
grandparents take over, and, less certainly, if children cannot care for their parents, grandchildren assume direct responsibility. A lesser degree of responsibility is felt for siblings, aunts, and uncles. The norm remains, however, that beyond the nuclear unit each person or group should be financially independent of the others and should so arrange matters as never to become a "burden." In recent years, only within the nuclear family living under one roof has there been the fullness of mutual responsibility and guarantee of belonging that makes for family in the deepest sense.
This matter of living together was important for the family in biblical times as well. The Hebrew Scriptures and the New Testament commonly speak of the family as the "house" or "household," most often as the house or household of the father of the family. These terms point to the family as a functioning or working group.
The Hebrew Scriptures tell of the passage of Hebrew society through several different types of family life. At the time of the patriarchs-Abraham, Isaac, and Jacobthe life of wandering shepherds was favorable to a pattern of small family groups closely linked by kinship, but often enlarged by associated workers or slaves. As the society moved to agricultural life, family groups became important in the division of the land (Joshua 17:1-6). The emphasis on the connections among Hebrew families through descent from a common ancestor served to link family groups and to mark the Hebrews off from others. Despite the teaching that one ought to marry within the group
o
(especially strong after the return from exile [Ezra 10:1-44]), there was extensive intermarrying between Hebrews and other neighboring peoples, and the book of Ruth recognizes that good could come from this.
The family group centered on the father, but the mother also was a person of power and influence (Sarah in Genesis 21:10), though this influence sometimes had to be exercised surreptitiously (Rebekah in Genesis 27:11-17). In addition, the mother was a person to whom respect was due (Exodus 20:12; Proverbs 1:8). The nuclear family of spouses and children blended into the extended family of more distant kin and others living in the household, often including concubines and their children. Later, even more than in patriarchal times, these associated persons-servants, slaves, immigrants-were fully included within the life of work and community of the family.
The family was a basic focus of religious life and religious formation (Deuteronomy 4:9-10). It was also the place of most forms of education through most of the biblical period; the distinction we make today between religious education and other education would have seemed inconceivable to early biblical families. Eventually, the synagogue took over some of the teaching functions, but the family remained a primary center for them. Moreover, loyalty to family life was felt by many Jews to be a mark that set them off from many non-Jews.
The early Church inherited from Judaism the strong emphasis on loyalty to the family. Early Christianity was one of the places in the world of its time where women found more recognition, power, and freedom (Paul accepted this though with some reservation); the presence of women entrepreneurs in the Church was simply a mark of the times (e.g., 4-'dia, a seller of "purple" [i.e., cloth], Acts 16:14). Paul's discussion of marriage (I Corinthians 7) makes a strong effort to affirm equality of the sexes in marriage, though he does not quite fully carry this out. The family was also one of the principal foci for the expansion of the faith (Acts 10, where the family of Cornelius is included with him in baptism). Families were linked together by their ties to the Church, both the local community and the wider Church. Hence, the stress on hospitality (I Peter 4:9). However, early Christianity also knew of families that were divided in faith (I Corinthians 7:12-16). In another generation or two, most Christians had returned to the more patriarchal patterns of the surrounding culture.
The power of family ties is presupposed by Jesus' contrast between these ties and the call that he was issuing: "Who loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me" (Matthew 10:37); "They left the boat and their father, and followed him" (Matthew 4:22). The power of family love also is reflected in the many references in the Bible to God as parent (usually, but not always, as father) and in the image of the Church as "the family of God" (I Peter 4:17).
Open Hands 4
Clearly, no existing form of family is sanctioned once and for all by the Bible. Indeed, while Jesus and Paul took the households of their day for granted, the focus of their message was to deny any final status to those institutions. The coming of the Realm of God replaced the family as the primary source of meaning and belonging. It would be absurd to derive from the New Testament any argument for the Christian necessity either of the family as it was constituted then, or of some other form of the family-unless one were to refer to the Church as the family of God.
So how should Christians think of family today? One possibility is to deny the need for families as they have traditionally been defined. People who wanted to live as such families could still do so, but their decision would be recognized as just one choice among others. To avoid loneliness or for economic reasons, people might enter into conditional contracts with one another rather than binding commitments. They could agree to accept certain mutual responsibilities conditional on both persons meeting certain expectations of the other. Many hwnan relationships these days, including many that are called marriages, are of this sort.
To further develop in this way is to accent individual freedom. Theological ideas stemming from Jesus and Paul give some support to that direction. Nevertheless, such an approach is quite one-sided. For Jesus and Paul, breaking off the primacy of familial ties was related to the expectation of the imminent coming of the Realm of God. For Paul, it was also connected with the emergence of the Church as the primary community of belonging and mutual responsibility. If the Church, or enough churches, become that community again, the need for other families would certainly be reduced.
Meanwhile, the Church has been wise through the centuries in promoting the family as important for most people and for a healthy society. Usually these families have been extended ones that have given some place to people of all ages and conditions. Perhaps some day these larger families will reappear. On the whole, they seemed to provide healthier environments than the nuclear family does today. The pattern of relationships within the larger families allowed for greater richness and did not put so great a stress on very limited relations. The extended family also allowed for greater diversity among its members.
In recent times, however, the economic order has
broken up extended families and exerted pressure even
against nuclear ones. In that context, the Church acts
wisely whenever it supports whatever forms of family can
be maintained. Unfortunately, the Church's legalistic attitudes
toward sex too often have inhibited its support for
the mutual commitments that are the essence of family.
This has certainly been the case, for example, with samesex
images of family. Instead of celebrating commitments
between same-sex couples, the Church has generally rejected
them. It has, in effect, affirmed that homosexually
Fall 1989 oriented persons should be condemned to loneliness and isolation, since it has seen no place for them in the nuclear family. That, in spite of this rejection, such persons have constituted true communities of belonging and mutual responsibility shows a capacity for commitment often not matched by heterosexual couples.
It is the fullness of belonging and the depth of mutual commitment that constitute family. Through most of history, families have been large, spanning several generations and including less closely related persons. These large families, however, have been patriarchal. In the future, if social and economic conditions allow for the renewal of larger groupings, these groupings might be freed from patriarchal dominance and make space for same-sex, as well as heterosexual, pairings in the midst of other relationships. Unfortunately, for now, that probably is not practicable. The family has become much smaller, often simply a couple.
Still, when two people commit themselves to one another-whether two women, two men, or a woman and a man-the conditions for being a family are met. It is past time for the Church to recognize that all these pairings are true families. ...
William A. Beardslee is emeritus professor of bible and religion at Emory University in Atlanta, Georgia. He now lives in Claremont, California.
John B. Cobb, Jr., ~ Ingraham professor of theology at the School of Theology at Claremont in Claremont, California.
5 .
Making Connections: Intentional Family
by Cindy Darcy
Episcopal feminist theologian Carter Heyward has said: "Don't be duped by folks who talk about 'God' all the time. It's more critical to make the connections among ourselves. And a hell of a lot more honest."
Carter Heyward sums up for me what it's all about: making connections among ourselves. For me, it is in and through these connections that I find God among and with us. Well-made connections, when nurtured by some of the ingredients I offer from my own experiences, can provide us with intentional family.
What I mean by "intentional" or "chosen" family is that commtmity of loved ones we choose to call into our lives, and into whose lives we choose to walk, with what comes to be a deliberate and named purpose of connecting and deepening. To these chosen ones, we bring our staying power.
Intentional family differs in my mind from "biological," "blood," or "natural" family that we did not choose. Both, hopefully, are gifts: the one, of grace, purely; the other, we have a hand in bringing about. With intentional family, as I think of it, there is that element of choice. Either family we may choose to leave; intentional family we ourselves help call into being.
With my birth, my parents began a family, which was to include two siblings. When I was 12, my father died, and from then on, no one could assume that I came from a "typical" "nuclear" family with two parents. I constantly bumped up against the awful question, asked by parents of friends I went home to play with: "So, what does your father do?" I learned how it feels to have people assume families are structured a set way, like theirs, to feel the assumption that we all "do family" the same way.
That situation for my growing up years provided me with a unique understanding of what "family" meant, since my family was "different." So I have felt relatively at home in an age when traditional family structures have been changing and society is grasping for new terms and names for what to call how we live our lives.
My own venture into intentional family began shortly after graduation from college, when I decided to undertake a denominational voluntary service assignment. For three years, I lived with between two and four other service workers in intentional commtmity. It was the intention of our community that we would share the chores of the house, fellowship together, do recreation together, share a witness in the neighborhood, encourage each other in our social justice work assignments. And you might think that people immediately or recently out of college, coming to Washington, D.C., to work with and on behalf of the oppressed and the poor, would have a lot in common. You might even think that the basics of living in community would be obvious and easy to agree on for those who chose to enter that lifestyle for a period of time, knowing what they were walking into. Yet even to this work and lifestyle, we brought a vast array of ideas about spirituality, relationships, values, community, etc.
We were deliberate, alright; we ate meals together, had book discussions, played together. But we weren't really community, in my mind. At the very core, while we had chosen to be doing similar kinds of service, and living in the city necessitated pooling our resources financially, we didn't choose each other. We were deliberate because we made ourselves be. We didn't really like each other, and we certainly weren't a "natural fit." Even with all the right ingredients there, you can't make commtmity or family happen; sometimes it just doesn't take.
So, in the face of my disappointments about building an " intentional family" in my community of choice, I turned elsewhere. I knew others who also sought something deeper: several in my voluntary service program, a couple of friends from church, and a friend in the wider peace-and-justice-folks circle. We shared similar underlying commitments and values; a sense of comfort and playfulness in each other's company; mutual needs for fellowship and processing of our experiences, whether living in the city, confronting unjust social structures, or living in a group house. We took our spiritual journeys seriously, as we sought out the Light of others on that path, and all had in common a willingness to do the work to build and maintain relationships that would help us grow, that would nurture and challenge us. With those ingredients and a marvelous gift of grace to recognize their presence among us, this group of seven formed what we came to call, for lack of any other name, "Small Group."
While the majority of us participated regularly in a church and had an important faith family or community there, we all were keenly aware that the "struggle, struggle, push, pull" of life in the city, working on behalf of those without power, took its toll on us, and we needed more spiritual nurture than just on Sunday morning. A few of us were in the process of leaving the established church over feminist and other issues and were struggling to find spiritual expression that felt right. As different as our spiritual journeys may have been from each other, faith was a deeply important ingredient in this intentional family.
All seven of us also had other community-colleagues at work, especially, but other friends as well-with whom we shared our lives. But each of us hungered for others who could share a commitment to and a consistency with us that would give us the safety to risk being known, before whom we could openly and honestly live our lives, and with whom we could let down our guard. We wanted to set about creating "safe space."
For the next two years, Small Group met faithfully on Sunday nights. We did "talk about 'God' " sometimes, but even more, we made connections. Sometimes the evening was structured as we discussed a book we chose to read together or as we batted around ideas on a particular topic. We took turns doing our historical/chronological biographies, as well as sharing about our spiritual journeys. Sometimes a need in the group arose, and we focused on that. Other times we shared a meal and played together, or attended an event that one of us was in. We
Open Hands 6
always ended our evening in a prayer circle and closed that time of worship with a group backrub.
Small Group helped process two relationships which were to become marriages of four of us in the group. The first couple to marry asked the rest of Small Group to be the family present at parts in their actual wedding ceremony. The remaining three of us came out as lesbians to that chosen family-giving several a very difficult topic to wrestle with-and tw'O of us were helped through the pain of breaking up. Several of us received healing from family struggles in our past. Some of us shared our coming into joy as aunts when our siblings had little ones. Several of us made career changes under the care and support of the group. We spent holidays together, when we chose not to go "home" to our biological families. A couple of us learned to be more open and articulate about ow' needs, and a couple of us learned not to push others in their sharing. We met in pairs, as well as a group of seven, striving to deepen our relationships not only as a group, but as pairs and smaller groups within the whole, and respecting the uniqueness of each one's relationships. One of us eventually moved away, to another city, and the rest of us saw her through the move and learned to create family-by-extension, being faithful in our commitment over the miles.
We made each other dinner; jump-started each other's cars; visited each other after surgery; fetched each other from the airport after work trips; brought silly presents when someone was sick; sang carols at Christmastime; gave input on speeches, articles, and grant applications; met each other's families; dropped by for iced tea on the "vay home from work; followed each other through a hairy week with check-in phone calls; celebrated birthdays and new jobs; and helped each other find and move into new homes.
Small Group was intentional family. We worked at our connections; we took our relationships with each other seriously; we were real with each other-honest, open, vulnerable, caring, playful. For most of us, our families were miles, sometimes literally a continent away from Washington; in some cases, a relationship with a family member was strained or in transition. Because we were all seeking to serve God and God's people through the work we set our hands and hearts to, we had a need for a place to come home to, for a few to be really present to us, those with whom we could share our experiences and receive encouragement and perspective, where we could be listened to and accepted.
In the case of the three of us in the group who are lesbian,
there was an especially strong need to build this
"intentional family." We were not sure our natural families
would still accept us when they learned The News. In addition
to the real or imagined reaction we feared of family,
friends, colleagues, society to us, we were also struggling
with learning how gay men and lesbians "do relationships."
Our unique experience with this chosen family provided
some of the freedom to create other or new definitions for
relationships. The two men in the group both came from
conservative families with prescribed male-female conduct.
They were given an environment where they could struggle
to create a relationship with their partners that expressed
who both people were, not merely be a rerun of
the traditional "mold" they were taught. In addition, we created a place where they could enjoy intimate, affectionate relationships with other women who were essentially "sisters."
With Small Group, there was risk, play, prayer, listening, sharing, being present, struggling together. We were intentional family not by chance but because we made it happen. "Intentional" derives from the word "intensity," which has to do with quality or degree of energy, and relates to "intent" or purpose, aim, what we set our will to. Clearly, we brought each other our energy and were purposeful about creating and building that support community. We also had the sense to recognize and name "family" when we saw it, in the way I think Jesus meant when He said something like "Whoever shall do the will of the Holy One, who is in heaven, that one is my brother and sister and mother" (Matthew 12:50),
After two years, as one of us felt she needed to spend more time elsewhere, Small Group had a harder and harder time pulling together. Our schedules had changed, and it was difficult to find a night when everyone could meet. The two couples were now married and seeking out other married couples. The three lesbians in the group were seeking out other lesbians and gay men, especially as the nongays struggled to varying degrees with who we were. We had become a sort of two families within the bigger family, and that was OK for a while. But then Small Group was, in effect, laid down as intentional family and disbanded in the sense of meeting regularly and with such deliberateness. We still kept in touch, but to varying, less intentional degrees.
Now it has been almost two years since we disbanded Small Group. Yet we still find our way together: we celebrated one of us going off to graduate school, we shared Thanksgiving together, and we were all present at the holy union of one of us to her partner. We called each other into our lives and lived very deliberately and very intentionally. Those bonds formed have changed somewhat, but they will never be completely forgotten or broken. Those connections made, as Carter Heyward would say, will always be critical. T
Cindy Darcy has been on the staff of a Quaker public policy organization in Washington, D. c., working as a lobbyist on legislative issues affecting American Indians and Alaska Natives since 1982. Her intentional family now lives in Virginia, Minnesota, and Oregon, as well as Washington, D. C.
Fall 1989 7
.
Findlng
Many gay men and lesbians are separated from biological
families by miles and/or circumstances. As a result, they strive to "create" a supportive community or "family" out of their network of friends. This author shares his ~tory of ~vercoming the obstacles of simultaneously being m a forelgn country and culture, coming out as a gay man, and developing a "family."
· I t ~as Se.ptem~er 15, ~986, when I arrived at O'Hare AIrport m ChIcago wIth my two suitcases full of belongings accumulated during my student years in
~ngland. I knew that moment that a new phase of my hfe had begun. I was flooded with mixed feelings of anxiety and excitement. I had adapted to the British way of life from my Indian background. Now America seemed like a totally different world to me. I arrived alone. I had come to study and to live.
I settled in and began my new life in the United States. New ~riends from all over the world surrounded me. My attentIOn was focused on my career objectives and
: academic performance. However, I still felt as I had right through my years in England and my adolescence in India. There was a vacuum within me, a feeling of not being fulfilled and of being very alone. I knew I was different all along. I had suffered a lot in the past because I had tried to express myself, yet I knew
• that I couldn't change. I knew I was gay from the day I learned what the word meant. However, due to a completely disapproving environment in India, where homosexuality is not even considered an issue to be discuss~d, I had come to look upon my sexuality as being somethmg abnormal and unnatural as a naive teenager. I tried to express these feelings to some friends and my parents in my early teens, but I was faced with severe disapproval and chose to hide my feelings. I was still at this stage when I arrived in Chicago. I tried to bury myself in my work and academic pursuits. This was not possible for long because the more I tried to suppress my feelings, the stronger they became. I found myself desperately in love with a gorgeous Belgian business student. His charm, grace, perfect facial features, bright eyes, and smile captivated me. I felt I could never express my feelings to him except indirectly. I was perfectly aware that I could never have him, yet there was still a flicker of hope which kept me going. I got to a point where I couldn't bear this anymore. I had been through such longings before and did not want to go through them again. Intense feelings of hurt and pain and the yearning for some love and affection were deep inside me. I wanted a relationship where I could give someone all I was without wanting to ask for or even to expect anything in return. I knew there must be an easier way but couldn't get myself to search for it. It happened one evening; I finally decided to go to one of the meetings of the gay group on campus.
· It was a dark Tuesday evening in spring, when I
•
walked alone, nervous and with feelings of guilt and fear to the Quaker House on campus where the group met. I
•
did not have the courage to go inside. I looked in from
· 8
the dark street and saw six male students talking. This was the Coming Out Group, but I wondered if I was in the wrong place. I knew the meeting was to be followed by a social hour, so I waited outside till the meeting was over and they went into another room. The men in this room informed me the social hour had been canceled. I began talking to a man named Bobby, who walked me home and took my number. He called me, and we met again the next day. I was surprised and very confused when he asked if he could kiss me. I was very hesitant and did not know how to react. I felt extremely nervous but decided to put these feelings aside and see how it felt. This was my first real gay experience, apart from boyish encounters during my early teens. I felt wonderful. Many years had passed since I had been this intimate with anyone. For a few hours, I remained in a kind of trance-it suddenly felt as though life was great and the world around me was beautiful. This did not last for long, however, as I soon found out in a rather unpleasant manner t~~t Bobby had a lover and was just "curious about me.
I felt devastated for a few days and couldn't talk to anyone about it. Finally I decided, on Bobby's advice, to see a counselor at the Student Mental Health Clinic. The name itself scared me. I was assigned to Dr. Brown, whom I saw for four months. He was a gentle and understanding man and explained to me that I was going through something very natural. He encouraged me to meet other gay people and make friends. He told me that I had to start living my life and enjoying it and that I couldn't continue to live against my nature. This made sense, and I chose to take the big step. There were a lot
Open Hands
MyUby
•
•
of obstacles on the way. I felt the guilt: "What would my parents think?" "Am I doing the right thing?" and "Is this why I came to America?" These questions haunted me all the time. I was lonely, miserable, and disappointed.
I went to the weekly meetings on campus, which were boring and not well attended. Sometimes I didn't speak to anyone. Other times I had to learn to cope with unwanted attention. I reported my progress or lack of it to Dr. Brown every week and was encouraged to persevere and keep going back to the meetings. It seemed bleak and hopeless, but Dr. Brown told me that I had to sift through the forest and find what I liked, discarding the rest.
Slowly I began to see some results. I began to talk to more people. Life became more fun and I began to feel more relaxed. I met a student from ilorida whose situation was much like mine. He was new to all of this and had the same apprehensions and worries as I did. We shared a lot of our experiences and decided to help each other. By the time summer arrived, we even ventured to go to the nightclubs dancing. I felt as though I was reentering my teenage years. Everything was new and exciting. It was my turn to be young and enjoy it. I had one of the most enjoyable summers of my life.
In August 1987 I arrived in Ins Angeles to continue
my studies. A friend of mine in Chicago arranged for me
to meet a friend of his who is a United Methodist minister
in the Ins Angeles area. Once again I arrived in a
new city anxious but excited to see what the future held
for me. I was given a most wonderful introduction to Ins
Angeles and to the gay spots there. It was so reassuring to
have a father-like figure who was so warm and affec-
Fall 1989 tionate, I couldn't believe that I had just met him a few hours ago. For the first time I had the feeling that I was becoming an independent person. I was meeting people on my own, not through my parents or relatives. I could share my entire personality with them and felt comfortable, accepted, and liked. Moreover, I was doing exactly what I wanted to without any hesitation and without worrying about what people would say or think. I certainly felt liberated. It felt great to have a guardian like my new friend, who is such a giving person. He gave me a feeling of support and security. I knew he was someone I could rely on-he became a member of my family and I his.
I settled into UCLA, moving into an apartment near the university. The manager was a very affable and warm person. On the second day of our meeting, he took me to lunch and told me he was gay. I cannot explain in words the amazement and relief I felt when I heard this. Of course, I immediately, though hesitatingly, told him about myself. We developed a beautiful friendship. Not a day passed without us meeting at least once. I now had a grandfather in Ins Angeles who enjoyed spoiling me and was a wonderful companion to me.
I wanted to make friends within my own age group, too. This took a long time, and I was lonely. I met another Indian who is bisexual. We shared our experiences and thoughts, and it was very reassuring to meet someone from my own country who could relate to my sexuality. More than anything else we had a lot of fun going out dancing, bar hopping, and to parties. This initial period was a difficult time for me.
In the meantime I was also introduced to an Indian gay group in Ins Angeles. I went to some of their meetings. I became friendly with one man who realized that I needed help and support and that I hadn't found my feet yet in the gay "forest." We became very good friends and kept in touch on a daily basis. He helped me deal with a lot of emotional difficulties and became like a brother. Through him I made another friend who has also become a brother to me. We have spent some wonderful times together and share almost all our feelings and emotions. We are planning to become roommates soon. I have also made a lot of other friends-my family keeps growing. My mother recently visited me and met my new friends and felt perfectly comfortable with them. I came out to her and received a very positive and understanding response.
I still have to find a real "love," but Dr. Brown was right-it is only after sifting through the forest and keeping what you like and discarding the rest that you can find yourself a nice field in which you feel comfortable and happy. I am aware a new family in the United States is now a significant part of my life. T
The author is Indian. He has been educated in India, has completed his secondary schooling and college in the United Kingdom, and is now completing graduate school in Los Angeles. Due to immigration restrictions, he chooses to remain anonymous.
9
I
It's OK to Go to Bed with Pizza on Your Face
by Millie Jesson and Susan Pavlik
t was a1l Susan's idea. When we first got together, she talked a lot about children. She had always
wanted children. Millie, on the other hand, responded with "Do we really have to talk about that now?" In her mind, "straight" women have kids; lesbians don't.
As a committed lesbian couple, we
children is rekindled through having our own child-it's seeing the world through new eyes. We didn't used to think about jumping over cracks in the sidewalk because it was fun to jump over cracks in the sidewalk. Through Eric, we've discovered the joy older people seemed to be able to han-• dIe other lesbian/gay couples who didn't have children living with them. I t was easier to pretend those couples were just best friends or sharing an apartment. It was harder for them to do that with us. There we were each week-the three of us. In the last year : and a half, they've come a long way
were forging a life together, making a and now see us as a family. Our home, and being family for one church community supports and another. Family for us means people accepts us.
that you can be yourself with, that We also experience some discrimina-• love you, that care for you, that nurfrom
the lesbian/gay community.
ture and support you. It's people who Because Susan is a mother who wants • are going to be there for you when the to stay home with her child and Millie : going gets tough and people who is employed outside the home, we are expect you to be there for them. Famseen as playing "straight roles" of
ily to us means loving unconditionally, mother and father. We are "blemishno matter what. ing" the look of the gay/lesbian comAs
we knit together our family, we talked about having children. We decided that it might happen in the future, when we were financially secure. Artificial insemination was a possibility, but it seemed very involved. The idea of children was on hold.
THEN AWNG CAME ERIC
When Millie began training in an AIDS chaplaincy program, she discovered a dire need for foster parents. After learning more, we agreed to give it a try. When Eric came into our lives, we were suddenly parents. Little did we know or suspect what changes were in store for us.
One major change was in the quality of our relationship with each other. Until Eric joined us (and for a while a second child, Chuck, as well), we were in that deep, madly-in-Iove-with-eachother phase. Children as part of our family forced us to improve communication. It was essential that we talk about what was really going on, plan for the future, and make decisions together. Our relationship has grown deeper, stronger, and richer because of this. We're comfortable in our love for each other. We've never been happier.
By far the most significant change in our lives, since Eric, is our shift in values and priorities. Making money, having the right car, and having the right friends used to be important to us. We look at life much differently now. The innocence that we ·had as in a bug or a flower, the simple pleasures of playing with dry rice in a pan, and the surprise of tasting each baking ingredient as it is added to the mixing bowl. We don't worry that he's got pizza all over his face when we put him to bed anymore. Vacuuming and dusting aren't important things in life-spending time with Eric is important. Loving, caring, and hugging are important. Our values are no longer as self-centered as they once were. Our quality of life has changed. It's incredible how kids can help you enjoy being alive, can make you grow more human if you let them.
CHALLENGES WE FACE
One of the biggest challenges we face is being accepted as a family. The misconception is that a child must have a mother and a father to be a "normal" family. Sometimes people ask about Eric's father, and we reply, "He has two mothers." The response can be a look of disgust, disbelief, or total noncomprehension. It took a long while for the staff at the hospital where we go to understand that Eric has two mothers. He doesn't have a father. His two mothers are equal in their responsibility, care, and love for him. They now realize that we are both to be respected as Eric's parents.
Some people at our church also had a difficult time seeing us as a family. Our congregation is mostly made up of young lesbians and gay men and older non-gay/lesbian people. The munity. In addition, we're at odds with the ultra-feminist views where les-: bians are expected to be professionals, then come home and work on the car. It's somehow second class to want to stay home and be a mom. Our way of • doing things works for us and for Eric, and that's what counts.
OUR HOPES AND DREAMS
Our hopes and dreams for the future are really not that different from any other family's. We have now joint-• ly adopted Eric, so we are both his legal parents. We want a healthy, hap-: py, secure future for our child. We plan to enjoy each day to its fullest.
We also hope, through parenting Eric, to be able to change the world a • little. In many families children don't count. They are neglected and not treated with dignity and respect. We want Eric to grow up knowing he is loved, he is important, and his opinions matter. We are committed to being family the best way we know how so he has a head start at feeling like the valuable, special, and unique child : of God that he is ....
Millie Jesson, Susan Pavlik, and Eric • are a truly interracial family: one black, one Hispanic, and one white. Millie is a computer technical analyst. • Susan is a mother. And Eric is wonderful! They live in Hayward, California, and are a part of Lakeshore Avenue Baptist Church.
Open Hands: 10
AFATHERS TESTIMONY
by Oliver Powell
W hen our daughter told us she is a lesbian, we were astonished and realized that we had much to learn about homosexuality. Our immediate response was to assure her of our uninterrupted, continuing love for her as a person. This expression of unconditional love has been the basis for our relationship ever since. Run-of-the-mill misunderstandings and disagreements take place from time to time, as in all families, but something fundamental holds and supports us.
For me, the whole business was another experience of grace, an incursion of the Beyond into my life, bringing new insights and understanding. It was grace moving in on me from a new and wholly unexpected source-from an area of human experience with which I was unfamiliar and inexperienced. Surely, God often uses strange and startling means of intervention into our lives!
Several aspects of my life were changed through this experience of grace. First, I came to have a sturdier understanding and richer appreciation of the qualities of courage, integrity, and patience of the human spirit at its truest and best.
Courage-There it was, raw and beautiful in my daughter's simple and courageous disclosure of the truth about herself in the face of one of the darkest, most insidious prejudices infecting human society: homophobia, the fear, the terror in some instances, of homosexuality itself. She took the risk, endangering her prospects for employment in her chosen profession (ironically, the Christian ministry) because she profoundly believes that unless she and other lesbians and gay men publicly identify themselves and lay claim to the same dignity of personhood which others profess, the whole subject of homosexuality will remain indefinitely in the dark closet of ignorance and mindless suspicion.
Integrity-My daughter is a whole person, a full, Godloved, God-endowed human being. no special explanations required. If any are stated, they are a problem not for her, but for those who feel the need to qualify her life. Such an understanding of integrity simply demands that she live her life openly and without fear.
Patience-Those who have openly affirmed their homosexuality feel frustration and anger like Joan of Arc crying at the end of George Bernard Shaw's play, "How long, 0 Lord, how long?" Yet they know with brutal
•
realism how much patience is required if the cause they · embody is to prevail, if hard and stubborn hearts are to
•
be changed. Surely, of all people they share the open secret of New Testament faith: "We know that trouble produces endurance, endurance brings God's approval, and God's approval creates hope." (Romans 5:3) I have also learned, from my daughter and her friends, that suffering doggedly endured has a cleansing, fortifying power that makes one's priorities clearer and more secure.
My second changed understanding is that, through the experiences I've had, I have seen statistics tum into
•
people. Lesbians and gay men are no longer merely a
•
percentage of the population. They are warm, talented,
•
delightful human beings, sharing many of my interests
•
Fall 1989
"L . I
. .. ove lS not ove Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove: 0, no! it is an ever-fixed mark, That looks on tempests and is never shaken. "
-William Shakespeare
and concerns, committed to the same issues and causes. How much richer my life is because of the new friends I have made!
Third, I am saddened by the position towards gay men and lesbians taken by many of my fellow members of the Church, pigeon-holing them as sinners in dire need of repentance, or counseling them to seek professional help in order to change their sexual orientation as though that were a practical possibility. How great is the need for programs of education on the subject of homosexuality as one expression of human sexuality. Without it, mindless, unexamined fear will continue to determine attitudes toward lesbians and gay men, children of God, equally precious as the rest of us, in the sight of God!
My outrage over my daughter being forced to make her way against the odds of a hostile society has resulted in a commitment to action. My wife Eleonore and I have become active in the local chapter of the National Federation of Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG), and we are joining with others in the formation of a new organization within the United Church of Christ, "UCC Parents of Lesbians/Gays." In both of these groups, parents of gay and lesbian children have agreed to make themselves available to provide confidential support for other parents.
I believe there is no substitute for personal presence. So, I make myself available for speaking and sharing leadership at church conferences, at "rap sessions," in college classes, in retreat settings. My story is simply my experience being the parent of a lesbian and what I have learned about homosexuality because of this grace-full opportunity in my life. I have appropriated some of my daughter's painfully won wisdom-that endurance brings God's approval, and God's approval creates hope. And, truly, it is by an indomitable hope that we all live! ..
This article in similar form first appeared in Waves the newsletter of the United ChUIch of Christ lesbian/gay group.
Oliver Powell is a retired United Church of Christ minister living in Pilgrim Place retirement community in Claremont, California. He served churches in Illinois and Massachusetts. He is the author of Household of Power and Carrying My Chalice.
11
The letter is dated October 13, 1981. Richard, the 24-year-old man who wrote it, gambled a lifetime of trust-in the love of his parents, in the community of faith, in the stories of Jesus. Nearly eight years later, he is still assessing his gains and losses, still counting the cost.
Dear Mom and Dad: 'b t to begin this letter, I don't know re8:11y hO~re;Sou begin to read it, but simply to. begln. '~~ant to find a comfortabl~ however, I thlnk you h share in reading. I wlsh place where you bot canto hold you and to be that I could ~e there:l;oo, d the comforts of time held, but I thlnk you. nee derstand what I am and distance for awhlle to un about to write ...
Richard's father, Willard, was a military man, straight arrow and all that. At age 20, he married Alice and carried her from port to port during a 20-year enlisted career in the U.S. Coast Guard. Two children, Verna and Richard, completed the family. Willard worked hard. He paid his taxes. He supported his wife and kids.
Dear Richard:
Please don't expect this letter to be as melodramatic as yours. First I would say this thing has been as great a shock as you could have given us, and I have a feeling that will give you some kind of pleasure knowing it. I guess I'm not too surprised. As I remember it, you hardly ever considered our feelings in any of your endeavors...
Born in Tampa in 1957, Richard was Willard and Alice's second child. He watched and listened and believed. He went to school and did his homework and said his prayers at night. He saw magic in a fall of snow.
ewriter to think As I struggle here before the t~~, I am left at last ainless way to say h e known
of an easy, ~ th the truth that I aV h t I have with the plaln tru ~ anything, the truth t a lied
sinc~ I!a~:s~:elY, that I haVet~Z~~~:t~~t finally
rubnO~o and denied for 24 Yde~his truth: that I, by
a , d d embrace ,
I have face an f providence, am gay.
whatever mystery 0
Dear Richard,
I want to write to let you know that I read Psalm 27. I can see how you feel that you wanted me to read it. Let me tell you that your Mother nor your Father have forsaken you; neither are they your enemies. They probably have poured out more love for you over the years than on anyone else. Now in return they are asking that you seek aid from a psychiatrist to get rid of a regressive neurosis. It is against all our moral principles and we are only sorry that you put on such an act for us that you fooled us completely. You talk of honesty and I
had always taught you to be honest-I did but you weren't. If you had been, we'dhave worked through a psychiatrist when you were younger. ..
Richard grew up on the move. Japan, Michigan, Hawaii, Michigan again, New Jersey, and finally, Florida. More than half a dozen schools, new friends every two or three years.
Adventure.
And two unfailing anchors: home and family, and the United Methodist Church. Moving to college in Tallahassee and later to work in Statesboro, Georgia, only meant longer and less frequent trips home to 1597 Old Colonial Way and St. Paul's United Methodist Church in Melbourne, Florida.
I know I think be. A hU~dre .' how difficult thes minds, but if d Ideas n:ust be reeli e Words must
Your love for ~oeu can ~lX in Your he~~;hro~gh Your
I. wish I could ' I belIeve you'll be abl an Image of gUlshed years' rec?unt for You the 1 e to bear it. thing, the cru In WhlC~ I struggled o~g and. andesires, the a el a!ld bItter Words th agaln~t thIS
desperatel I ghOnles of prayer H' e unbIdden
and how Y ave wished to b 0':'1 often and
This h completely impossibl e .lIke other. men
ha as not been an eels that Wish
ma~~~~n a Wonderful on!~r ~elf-discovery but it
this unse:~e from a fearful Pri:nyou see, like a
ster waiting ~~rseemed to stalk' !hl~~e before of Christ see . evour, I have now i I e a monmysterious gi~ It fo~ What it truly is': t~e full light
received '" WIsely to be used' s range and
... , gratefully
12
Open Hands
-----
Willard and Alice were proud of their children. While others in their family and circle of friends had struggled with difficult teenagers, their kids had always been models of achievement and responsibility. Verna was married to Ed and had a baby on the way. Richard was about to enter seminary to become a Christian minister.
For Alice, who alone among her siblings had been denied a college education and who· had quit work to keep house and raise her children, their success seemed especially sweet; they had done what she could not.
But when the letter from Richard arrived, it was Willard, not Alice, who responded by telephone: Either quit work., come home, and see a psychiatrist, he said; or
(I) withdraw from the ministerial candidacy without explanation, (2) change your name, (3) never call, write, or visit again, and (4) never have any contact with other family members ever again-or be "hunted down and killed like the animal, the scum that you are."
Reverend Crossman came by and told us you called him and told him the whole sordid story, once again disregarding our feelings. Your mother and I have the book [Is the Homosexual My Neighbor?] that you have apparently embraced as releasing you from your "prison." Well, I can understand how some people could be taken in by this, but I used to think you were smarter than that. To begin with, the two ladies who wrote it don't have the credentials for doing a thing like that. It's apparent that they set out to write a nice little story to let some seriously regressive neurotic folks accept their neurosis as normal, and thereby feel like they are okay. Not to mention their profit motive. This book is full of flimsy theory, convoluted logic and misinterpreted scripture passages...
Richard had last come home for Labor Day. It had not been a good visit. He had played go-between for Willard and Alice in a bitter quarrel. Alice had been in tears, Willard icy and threatening divorce. By Monday morning, Richard was exhausted and ready to return to Georgia. The time had not been right, he thought, to talk about his own problems. That could wait. For now, it was enough that the fabric of family was still intact. He would be coming home again.
Forget eu h·veryt Ing you th· k
and the "gay World" It . In ~ou know about a World is just the w~rld' SImply IS not true. The ga ys
~~rvehWith equal grac~ ~~rl:e ehve!ywhere a;dy
urc es, communities N v~ t err homes,
understand that I h . ow think of me and
now h ave not chan d' '
m w at I have been all m . ge ,I am preCisely
emory: The only differen y hf~, from earliest
and accept myself as I real~e '" IS that now I see
you. y am. I ask no m ore of
came to you 24 years
t~e mercy of Your love ago naked, innocent at
Slon .of this new birth iSo now again at the o~ca~~~
St~l~ ~ith greater'lov~o~:nt~:~ubl~ving you if n erstand and accept... r e ore, trusting
Willard had experienced more of the world than he thought necessary. He had been rakish in the early years of his marriage to Alice, had spent months at a time at sea, and had only gradually settled into the comforts of home and family. At age 35, he joined the church, became a Mason, and never looked back.
I don't know if you have thought of the full import of what your decision will mean if you stick to it, but I pray you will give it some very serious thought, as I refuse to relent on my initial pronouncements, and have sadly resigned myself to accept whatever consequences result.... I don't like the way I feel now and don't like to see your mother crying and hurting. We both long to have things the way they were before we received your letter, but it just won't ever be if you choose to continue this way.
All of us live under great pressure to try and be normal and fit into society. To me, that is what Christian discipline is....
I believe the requirement for being normal is to do normal, socially accepted things and repress our baser instincts.... If you really want to be right, you simply have to do what is right. If you really wish to be like other men, as you stated, you simply do like other men. That's the way we all have to do it. Like everything else, it's learned, and learning takes effort and practice, and I think most of us are still in the process and struggling hard.
... If we do not hear from you soon, we will assume you
have chosen not to try, and will begin to adjust our lives
accordingly.
I have shared this news with Vema and Ed already and with several other people, incl~ding my pastors. They h~ve be~n ~ithout exceptIo~ understanding, canng, affIrmIng, and supportIve. I have worked through with them many of the questions you will have. I am fortuna~e beyon~ words to have been blessed with the fanuly and fnends ~ have. As you begin to sort through all the emot~on, I want you to know that I am here,. at your servIce to love listen and understand. UntIl we see one anothe'r agai~ and I can give you a big hug
(Thanksgiving?), I am with love always, ktdlAAJ-,
Nearly eight years have passed since that October, and Thanksgiving has yet to come. Willard and Alice, still married, have joined a Charismatic church. They spend holidays with Verna, Ed, and their four children.
The naive believer, now 32, Richard has become skeptical of faith, wary of devotion. He believes good people make good Christians. And he still sees magic in a fall of snow. ~
Richard Swanson is administrator of the Atlanta Gay Center in Atlanta, Georgia. He is a member of Grant Park-Aldersgate UMC, a Reconciling Congregation in that city. He will be moving this fall to take a new job in Milwaukee.
Fall 1989
I
13
· Same-Sex Marriage: It's Nothing New
· by Dick Burdon
For 1,500 years, the institutional Church has officially blessed lesbian and gay relationships. So
reports Dr. John Boswell, an assistant professor of
o
history at Yale University. Boswell is currently preparing a
o
book (tentatively titled What God Has Joined Together:
o
Same-Sex Unions in the Christian Tradition) in which he
o
will detail his discoveries in old Greek liturgical manuals
o
that reveal a centuries-old Christian tradition of samegender marriage. Boswell offered a preview of his book in a lecture spono
sored by Integrity (the lesbian/gay Episcopalian caucus)
o
during the 1988 General Convention of the Episcopal
o
Church.* He recounted details of his search for what was
o
an electrifying discovery of documents setting forth clear
o
evidence that same-sex weddings are a part of Christian tradition. They were well established by the sixth century
o
and continued in relatively common use for several ceno
turies thereafter. Because of overwhelming antisocial
o
pressure from outside the Church, the practice of same-
o
sex marriages eventually fell out of use, but, says Boswell,
o
the service is still performed in isolated areas. And it has never been removed from the Vatican's volumes of officially sanctioned rituals.
In an earlier book, the critically acclaimed Christianity,
• Social Tolerance, and Homosexuality, Boswell detailed
•
how homosexual ubiquity seems to have been assumed
•
and accepted as far as the Church was concerned until
•
about 1200 A.D. High-ranking clergy were Gay, as were persons of political and artistic importance, and these people held equal status in Church and society. However,
•
society was changing, as barbaric influences of 'morally
o
restrictive' rural agricultural societies from northern and
•
central Europe moved into conflict and amalgamation
•
with the more liberal, urban-minded Greek and Roman societies. The result was the loss of urban social perspectives and the collapse of the Roman Empire. As the
o
Roman state declined, so did the Roman Church. In his lecture, Boswell explained that by the 13th ceno
tury, "what the Church joined together in holy union"
•
(gay men and lesbians), the civil authorities burned at the
•
stake. "Social intolerance came crashing down." Then, in a kind of decoupage manner, Church tradition, civil law, Greek mythology, "conventional wisdom," and barbaric "moral standards" melded and were codified. The Church
•
became separated from its Gospel foundations, forgot its
•
history, stood aloof and undefending of its traditions, and
o
ignored social concerns in an attempt to preserve political power and social status. The liturgies uncovered by Boswell should force today's Church to acknowledge a long-standing tradition that ap•
pears to have been based on eschatological expectations of
•
the imminent return of Christ. Christians in the early
•
Church saw love as expressed in relationships as a means
• of salvation. They emphasized spiritual preparedness and focus. Heterosexual marriages in the early Church essentially followed Roman civil custom. They emphasized the
•
importance of procreation and provided for paternal
•
delineation of property. By contrast, the gay marriage was
•
not an adaptation of the heterosexual marriage contract
but was a Christian creation from its very beginning. It emphasized love and devotion of the couple to God as a means of salvation. Gay marriage was always sacramental and conducted in the Church; heterosexual marriages were not conducted in the Church or pronounced sacramental until 1215 A.D.
Boswell's findings make clear a crucial conclusion: As gay men and lesbians increasingly seek public and legal recognition of their relationships, their demands must be considered legitimate on the basis both of Scripture and of Church tradition. But the importance of Boswell's research does not end there. His discoveries provide important insights into the breadth of the spectrum of family relationships throughout Church history. They show that the early Church saw and nurtured gay and lesbian relationships as wholesome and natural-and that the Church based this understanding on its interpretation of Scripture....
*Boswel\'s lecture is available in a videotape entitled 1500 Years of the Church Blessing Lesbian and Gay Relationships: It's Nothing New. The tape can be purchased from Integrity Inc., P.O. Box 19561, Washington, DC 20036, for $29.95.
Dick Burdon is a graduate of Wesley Theological Seminary, Washington, D.C. and a clergy member of the Oregon-Idaho Conference of the UMC on honorable location. Prior to leaving the active ministry, he served as a United Methodist missionary to Brazil and Zaire, as well as pastor of various local congregations in his conference.
Open Hands 16
AFTER THE SHOCK
· by Jane E. Vennard
W e had been married seven years when my husband
John told me he was in love with Gordon.
This announcement turned our world up•
side down, for neither of us had an inkling of John's
•
homosexuality. "How could that be?" people ask. "How
•
could he NCYf know?" "How could you not have
•
suspected? " John grew up in a small midwestern town in a family
•
that did not talk openly about feelings. From an early
•
age, he knew that he was different, but he could never
•
name the difference. Handsome, artistic, well liked, John
•
hid his sense of difference from the world and from
•
himself. I grew up in a similar situation, and, although I fan•
cied myself sophisticated and experienced, I was naive
•
about relationships and sexuality. When I met John in
•
the summer of 1963, he was just what I was looking for. · I was 23, teaching school, and ready to get married. Just • out of the Navy, John was establishing himself as a : graphic designer. We fell in love. Our families approved. I
•
received his family's diamond to mark our engagement.
•
In December 1965, we married. Our marriage was a partnership, with both of us work•
ing and both of us taking responsibility at home. To our
•
friends and families, we had the "perfect" marriage. But : under the image was a growing tension, particularly in
•
the area of sexuality. We did not talk about it, for we had
•
no experience of intimate dialogue. I decided that, since
•
we were both orgasmic, I should be satisfied and learn to
•
accept the infrequency of our sexual activity.
Into this setting came John's announcement. Gordon : was a friend of his from work; he had told John early in
•
their friendship that he was gay. In knowing Gordon,
•
John began to name the difference he had buried so long
•
before. In the freedom that came with the naming, he fell
•
in love. John and 1 had no idea what was happening, what to
•
do, or how to be. Because he loved me, John was sure he
•
was bisexual. But he was so confused and ashamed that
•
he asked me to tell no one what we were experiencing. I
•
willingly agreed, for I was as confused as he was and
•
believed that somehow I was to blame for his homo•
sexuality.
Gordon was not prepared for the complications of lov•
ing a married man, and he withdrew from John's life.
•
This left John with the dilemma of discovering if his love
•
for Gordon was unique or if he was truly homosexual. To
•
gain understanding, John began going out with other
•
men. As he gradually came out of his closet, I went more : deeply in.
Alone in my half of the closet, I was hurt, angry,
· ashamed, and afraid. Cut off from family and friends,
•
with nowhere to turn and totally ignorant about homosex•
uality, I began to feel as if I were going crazy. I began
•
drinking too much, experimented with drugs, and suffered
•
severe anxiety attacks in some areas of the city. My physi•
cian sent me to a psychiatrist, but she was unable to help
•
me cope. She seemed convinced that what I was going
•
through had something to do with my relationship to my
•
father.
•
Fall 1989
What is it that shifts a life from the downward plunge? What is the source of strength and courage that allows a broken life to be healed? Looking back, I can only say that it was the Spirit alive and moving that would not let me die. For somehow I found the strength to act on my own behalf. I did three things. First, I told my therapist I would not be back. Deep inside me I knew she was not helping. Second, I broke silence and told my sister all that was happening. Her love and support sustained me. Third, I found a lover who let me know in his own passionate and tender way that there was nothing wrong with me as a woman. I could not have come to this understanding by myself.
With my returning strength and John's awareness that he always had been gay, we had to decide what to do. Because we still loved each other, we decided to see if we could stay married. We each had lovers. We went out a lot together. I became welcome among his gay friends. But soon it became clear to me that we no longer had a marriage. We were not a couple except in name. I also knew that I had my own inner work to do and that I could not do it without my own space. John did not want me to leave. I did not want to go. But in May, a year and a half after John told me about Gordon, I left. I am not sorry.
Since my departure, John and I have grown-individually and together. Our families have been stretched to include the realities of our lives. My sister and John's brother have not wavered in their support of us. My mother, after the shock and the hurt settled, proclaimed John to always be her son-in-law and has maintain~d an ongoing relationship with him.
John's parents were slower to accept and somehow in their pain turned away from me. They requested the return of the engagement diamond and broke all contact with me and my family. I was deeply hurt.
John and I kept contact, but also distance, the first years after I left. Over the years the embers of our love, which had never died, slowly rekindled into a deep friendship. We began seeing more of each other, met each other's lovers, became running partners, and stood by together as a mutual friend died of AIDS.
It has been 18 years since John's announcement. He now has been with his partner Eric for 9 years. Jim and I were married 2 years ago. On the rare occasions when the four of us are together, we look at each other with amazement. And we laugh. What twists and turns have brought us to this place at this time. As different as we are, and as unexpected as it seems, we must admit that in • our own unique way-we are a family. T
Jane E. Vennard is ordained in the United Church of Christ to a special ministry of teaching and spiritual direction. She is chair of the National Task Force on Spouses formed by the Federation of Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. She is an active member in the United Church Coalition for Lesbian/Gay Concerns.
17 :
"Sustaining The Spirit ~
Part of the Family
For Judy Wagner and Tim
Words and music by
Chorus
Jim Manley
Am o J J I rJ. I J J J
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life to be shared in the bread and the wine; 07
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Yet
no
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we are a part of the fam 'ly. We are a part of the fam 'ly. we are a part of the fam 'Iy.
Copyright © 1984 by James K. Manley All Rights Reserved [ASCAP]
Open Hands· 18
Strength for the Journey
by E. Marie Wright-Self
Persons diagnosed with AIDS live in a special, particular
world. In addition to their illness, they
often experience the fear, confusion, and rejection
of their families, friends, employers, even their church.
They thereby discover that they have become members of
a new "family": one they didn't choose, one that is comprised
of society's outcasts.
Jesus ministered to the outcasts of his day-the
lepers-touching them and loving them, making them fee]
accepted and part of His family. Jesus said, "Whoever
does the will of God is my brother, and sister, and
mother" (in other words, my family). (Mark 3:35) A
group of people in the California-Pacific Annual Conference
of the United Methodist Church took Jesus' words
seriously and dreamed about sponsoring retreats for persons
affected by AIDS. What better opportunity than a
retreat to bring people close and provide strength for the
journey?
Two "Strength for the Journey" retreats were held during
the summer of 1988. A number of AIDS-diagnosed
individuals volunteered their time to help create a retreat
that would address the issues they felt were important. Included
were times for worship, discussion, hiking, swimming,
workshops on journaling, stress-reduction techniques,
massage, and crafts. Designed. and .included by .God
were wondrous thunderstorms with hghtnmg and coolmg
rain, tarantulas, inspiration to express deep feelings in
poetry, and, for some, the gift of spiritual healing.
Most of the people arriving for the retreats did not
know each other. Initial hesitancy ("Will they like me?"
"Will people shun me here, too, because .of .the ~aposi's
sarcoma lesions?") soon gave way to begmnmg fnendships.
Tasks shared contributed to individuals feeling involved
and needed. Through individual conversations and
larger group discussions, people began to realize they had
valuable and valued insights and information. By the second
night's campfire a family feeling was in the air: encouragement
for the hesitant to speak, applause for those
"just right" words, tears as some struggled to exp~ess
their feelings. There was a sense of wonder that, 10 such
a few hours, we'd come to know and value each other so
much.
"Family" happens when a group of people, related by
blood or circumstance, meet together for support, encouragement,
challenge, and celebration. A forI?er nurse
from New York met his cabin host, a former 011 com pany
executive. Later the host was remembered, "He was so
kind to all of us in the cabin. He made us feel welcome
and taken care of. We felt like we were his family. He
made sure we were comfortable every night-kind of like
tucking us in. I'll never forget him."
"Family" happens when a group of people meet together
and affirm the gift of life and God's spirit alive in
each day. A woman shared, "I've always wanted to have
control. When I used to be in control of my life, I wasn't
•
as happy as I am now. Now that AIDS is in control, I
•
Fall 1989
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just live. d each ?ay, I thank ~,odf" that I am ~till alive." A man shared a Journal entry, Guess what I ve seen? I've seen squirrels, tarantulas, bats, flies, and ants. I've seen love, honor, and respect. I've seen Kaposi's sarcoma, neurological disturbances, and illness, Rlus a lot more. But most importantly, I've seen me! !! Another person said, " I think I notice things differently from people who are healthy and think they ~now their future. This spring, the colors were more beautiful than ever before. Certain pieces of music really move me. I treasure each moment."
"Family" happens when a group of people meet together and are united by the common history of that meeting. Joseph and Phillip, two participants in the retreat, kept in touch after it ended, usually by telephone. As they became more disabled, they relied on a mutual friend from the retreat to carry messages back and forth. They were concerned about each other and were t~ing to bolster each others' spirits. One day, Joseph sent thIS message, "Tell Phillip that whoever dies first has to promise to keep a cloud warm for the other." The night be.fore Phillip died, the friend reminded him of Joseph's message. Phillip smiled and promised he would remember. The next day, when told of Phillip's response and his death, Joseph smiled and said, "It's good to know I'll have two friends there-Phillip and God! ! "
The retreat time was a powerful experience, and its uniting, "family" spirit has continued for many of the participants. They keep in touch via letters and telephone calls. Some are able to meet regularly for movies, lunches, and other events. They visit each other in the hospital and at home. Phillip, Joseph, and two other people have died since the retreats. Members of their retreat families attended their funeral and memorial services.
A horrendous calamity gathered people together for a retreat. Christ's message provided the guidance, sharing time together provided the bonding, and all who participated became family and received "Strength for the Journey." ....
E. Marie Wright-Self is vice-chair of the CaliforniaPacific Annual Conference AIDS Ministries Task Force and a staff member of the AIDS Chaplaincy Program of the San Diego Ecumenical Conference. She is a member of Rolando UMC in San Diego.
19
Rep Report
New Reconciling Congregation
Welcome to Hemenway UMC in Evanston, Illinois, our 41st Reconciling Congregation. Hemenway is a multicultural, multiracial congregation, just north of Chicago. Its characteristics are like those of an inner-city parish, even though it is located in a suburban community.
Now 115 years old, Hemenway committed itself to being an inclusive community about 15 years ago. Worship is offered in both Chinese and English languages. Several races and nationalities are represented in the congregation.
Hemenway maintains a strong program of community service. A soup kitchen there serves 100 to 150 persons each week. Free food is distributed twice a month. A recreation program for youth is also offered.
Christ the Redeemer Metropolitan Community Church worships in Hemenway's building and also has its office there. This past September Hemenway graciously hosted the national gathering of Affirmation: United Methodists for Lesbian/Gay Concerns.
Hemenway is the seventh Reconciling Congregation in the Northern Illinois Conference of the UMC.
Annual Conferences Discuss RCP
Several UMC annual conferences considered matters related to the Reconciling Congregation Program (RCP) at their sessions this past summer.
The Wyoming annual conference (northeastern Pennsylvania and southern New York) reaffirmed its 1988 decision to become a Reconciling Conference. The Eastern Pennsylvania, Minnesota, Oregon-Idaho, and Wisconsin conferences approved plans to study becoming Reconciling Conferences. Southern New England approved a resolution encouraging local churches to study becoming Reconciling Congregations. Pacific Northwest and West Ohio are among several other conferences where special efforts to witness to the
RCP happened during the conference
session.
These events and ongoing activities related to the RCP are continued signs of the movement of God's Spirit in our midst.
Advisory Committee Finalizes Convocation Plans
The national RCP Advisory Committee met in Chicago in late August to finalize plans for the national convocation of Reconciling Congregations in February 1990. The official convocation brochure outlining plans for the convocation was mailed to all Open Hands subscribers in October.
In other business, the Advisory Committee discussed the program's future relationship with Affirmation: United Methodists for Lesbian/Gay Concerns, its parent organization. A nominating committee was appointed to fill positions on the Advisory Committee at its next meeting in February.
The committee also heard a report about the UMC Study Task Force on Homosexuality and received information on the new Transforming Congregation Program, which is modeled after the RCP except that its seeks to change a person's sexual orientation. Committee members also shared news of the continued growth of the Reconciling Congregation movement around the country.
In September, the convocation worship planning team announced the convocation preachers. Rev. Ignacio Castuera, pastor of Hollywood First UMC (Hollywood, California); Rev. James Conn, pastor of The Church in Ocean Park (Santa Monica, California); and Rev. Janie Spahr, director of The Ministry of Light (Marin Country, California), will be the preachers for the three convocation worship services.
Across the Denominational Spectrum
News crossing the Open Hands desk attests to the health and growth of our ecumenical movement.
*Lutherans Concerned welcomed their 51st Reconciled in Christ (RIC) congregation this past summer. Anticipating the program's continued growth, Rose Smith, RIC coordinator states that "locating the first 50 was the hardest! "
*The More Light Program (Presbyterian) held its largest national conference to date last spring. About 115 participants from around the country gathered in Palo Alto, California, for a time of listening, nurturing, and celebrating.
The More Light Program has also just released a new videotape, More Light Churches: Obedience, Ministry, Justice. The video looks at issues faced by gay and lesbian Presbyterians and portrays the response of two More Light churches to these concerns. This 27minute videotape is available for purchase ($23) or rent ($8). Order from Dick Hasbany, 365 Perkins, #305, Oakland, CA 94610.
*The United Church of Christ Office for Church in Society recently gave a
A
Presbyterian
Promise
"We will work to increase the
acceptance and participation in the
church of all persons regardless
of racial-ethnic origins, sex, class,
age, disability, marital status or
sexual orientation"
-195th General Assembly
(1983), Atlanta, Georgia
If this is your promise, too, we invite you tojoin
Presbyterians for
Lesbian & Gay
Concerns
Write to Elder James D. Anderson
PLGC, P.O. Box 38
New Brunswick, NJ 08903-0038
201/846-1510
Open Hands 22
$5,000 grant to the VCC Open and Affirming Program for producing three regional conferences. These conferences will provide the opportunity to introduce the Open and Affirming Program to more congregations and individuals around the country.
*The General Assembly of the Vnitarian V niversalist Association overwhelmingly approved the Welcoming Congregation Program during its June meeting. (See report in Summer 1989
Open Hands.)
*The Episcopal Diocese of Newark has established a new ministry, called "The Oasis," designed to make lesbians and gay men feel more welcome in the church. The director of The Oasis, Rev. Robert Williams, is an openly gay man who was ordained an Episcopal deacon by Bishop John Spong this past June.
In the next issue, Open Hands will again run a combined list of all congregations (wtheran, Presbyterian, V nited Church of Christ, and United Methodist) who have officially welcomed lesbians and gay men into their community of faith.
Reconciling Congregations
~1etropolitan-Duane UMC c/o Trudy Grove 201 W. 13th Street New York, NY 10011
Washington Square UMC c/o P.]. unpold-Trump 135 W. 4th Street New York, NY 10012
Park Slope UMC c/o Beth Bentley 6th Avenue & 8th Street Brooklyn, NY 11215
First UMC clo Bill Bouton 66 Chestnut Street Oneonta, NY 13820
Calvary FVIC clo Chip Coffman Ill.) S. 48th Street Philadelphia, PA 19143
OUlllbarton UMC clo Ann Thompson Cook ;~133 Dumbarton Avenue. NW Washington, DC 20007
Christ UMC clo Chuck Kimble 4th and I Streets. SW Washington, DC 20024 St. John's LMC do Barbara Larcom 2705 St. Paul Street Baltimore, MD 21218
Grant Park·Aldersgate UMC c/o Sally Daniel 373 Boulevard, SE Atlanta, GA 30312
Edgehill UMC c/o Hoyt Hickman 1502 Edgehill Avenue Nashville, TN 37212
Central UMC c/o Chuck Larkins 701 W. Central Toledo. OH 436lO
Wesley UMC clo John Human 823 Union Avenue Sheboygan, WI 530Hl
University UMC clo Steven Webster 1I27 University Avenue Madison, WI 53715
Wesley UMC c/o Patchwork Committee lOl E. Grant Street Minneapolis, MN 55403 Walker Community UMC c/o Debra Keefer 3104 16th Avenue Minneapolis, MN ;).)4.07
University UlVIC c/o D ave Schm idt ()33 W. locust DeKalb, IL 6011 5
Wheadon UMC c/o Phyllis Tholin 2212 Ridge Avenue Evanston, IL 60201
Hemenway UMC c/o Don Marshall 933 Chicago Avenue Evanston, IL 60202
Euclid UMC c/o Alan Tuckey 405 S. E uclid Avenue Oak Park. IL CJ0302
Albany Park UMC c/o Reconciling Committee 3100 W. Wilson Avenue Chicago. IL 6062:'>
United Church of Rogers Park clo Sally Baker/ Paul Chapman 1545 W. Morse Avenue Chicago, IL 60626
E-X-P-A-N-D
AND
FEMINISM How do they fit together? Forfifteen years, DAUGHTERS OF SARAH, the magazine for Christian feminists, has spoken to this question. Each bimonthly magazine examines lively, current issues for women and the church today. Some topics add ressed are: spi rituality, gender roles, biblical interpretation, divorce, and feminist understandings of sin and grace. Each 40-page issue provides a forum for the ecumenical voices of Christian .feminists. All share a commitment to the Scriptures' proclamation of equality, mutual power, and mutual servanthood between women and men.
Your reconciling ministry.
Become involved in Affirmation: United Methodists for Lesbian/Gay Concerns, Inc.
Affirmation is a national organization of gay men, lesbians, bisexuals, and their families, friends, and supporters who seek to be in ministry.
Annual dues are $25.00 for individuals and $10.00 for students and those on subsistence incomes.
For further information:
National Affirmation
P. O. Box 1021
Evanston, IL 60202
o Send me a trial subscription. Enclosed is $9.00 for a 6month (three issues) subscription.
o I want to know more. Please send me a free brochure.
Name
Address
Return to: Daughters of Sarah Dept. 1400 3801 N. Keeler Chicago, IL 60641
Fall 1989
23
Irving Park UMC
Crescent Heights UMC
Trinity UMC
c/o David Foster
c/o Walter Schlosser
c/o Elli Norris
3801 N. Keeler Avenue
1296 N. Fairfax Avenue
2362 Bancroft Way
Chicago. IL 60641
W. Hollywood, CA 90046
Berkeley, CA 94704
Kairos UMC
The Church in Ocean Park
Albany UMC
c/o Jay McCarty
c/o Judy Abdo
clo Jim Scurlock
207 E. 67th
235 Hill Street
980 Stann age
Kansas City, MO 64113
Santa Monica. CA 904()5
Albany, CA 94706
St. Mark's UMC
Wesley UMC
Sunnyhills UMC
c/o David Schwarz
c/o Della Campbell
c/o Cliveden Chew Haas
1130 N. Rampart Street
1343 E. Barstow Avenue
335 Dixon Road
New Orleans. LA 70116
Fresno. CA 93710
Milpitas, CA 95035
St. Paul's UMC
Hamilton UMC
St. Paurs UMC
clo Jeanne Knepper
c/o Judy Kreige
c/o Darrell Wilson
1615 Ogden Street
1;)25 Waller Street
101 West Street
Denver. CO H021H
San Francisco. CA 94109
Vacaville, CA 95688
St. Francis in the Foothills UMC
Bethany UMC
Wallingford UMC
c/o Lucy Johnson
c/o Rick Grube
c/o Margarita Will
4625 E. River Road
1268 Sanchez Street
2115 N. 42nd Street
Tucson. AZ H57lH
San Francisco, CA 94114
Seattle, WA 98103
United University Church
Trinity UMC
Capitol Hill UMC
c/o Edgar Welty
c/o Arron Auger
c/o Mary Dougherty
Hl'i W. 34th Street
152 Church StreN
128 E. 16th Street
ws Angeles. CA 90007
San Francisco, CA 94114
Seattle, WA 98112
Wilshirt" UMC
Calvary UMC
Rt'('oncilinl{ Confc'n'n('c's
c/o Bob Ficklin
c/o Jerry Brown
California-Nevada
4350 Wilshire Blvd.
1400 Judah Street
New York
ws Angeles, CA 90010
San Francisco. CA 94122
Northern Illinois
Troy
Wyoming
The Second National Convocation of
Reconciling C g egations
February 16-18, 1990
Fort Mason Conference Center
San Francisco
You can be a part of this unique gathering of representatives of Reconciling Congregations and other Christians interested in reconciling ministries with lesbians and gay men.
•
BIBLE STUDY will ground our • SPECIAL YOUTH SESSIONS will reconciling movement in the Bib-allow junior high and senior high lical witness led by Rev. Joan participants the opportunity to Martin and Rev. Arthur meet youth from other Reconcil-Brandenburg. ing Congregations and to explore
• WORSHIP will celebrate and nur-San Francisco. ture our spirit journey with
REGISTRATION (includes all mealspreaching by Rev. Ignacio Casand
convocation activities):tuera, Rev. James Conn, and
$100 for ReconCiling CongregationRev. Janie Spahr.
representative.
•
WORKSHOPS will build our skills $75 for each additional rep from a in reconciling ministries with lesReconciling Congregation. bians and gay men. $40 for youth representative.
$150 for others.
•
SATURDAY NIGHT CELEBRATI will include the premiere perforFOR MORE INFORMATION, write or mance of Paschal Pains and Platcall: Reconciling Congregation itudes: A Flower Song, written Program, P.O. Box 23636, and directed by Julian Rush and Washington, D.C. 20026; performed by convocation 2021863-1586. participants.
A path to greater understanding ...
And God Loves Each
One:
A Resource for Dialogue
on the Church
and Homosexuality
This booklet's gentle, personto-person approach is a perfect starti ng place for congregations or individuals dealing with questions about homosexuality :
~
How do reople become homosexual'!
~
What does the Bible say alJOll1 homosexual it y'!
~
What's it like to be gay or les bian in the churc h t()day'~
"For all who feel the pain ofour times, this much-needed booklet identifies a path to greater love and understanding."
-C. Dale White, bish()p. New York Area, UMC
Written by Ann Thompson Cook, 1988 , :20 PI'. Published by the Dumbarton UMC Task Force on Reconciliation; distributed by the Reconciling Congregation PrograTll,
$4,9S per copy $;~.OO for hulk orders (I () or Tllore)
Please prepay your order with 15% postage and handl ing to: Reconciling Congregation Program, P. O. Box 23636, Washington, DC 20026.
Open Hands 24