Open Hands Vol 8 No 2 - Aging and Integrity

Open Hands Vol 8 No 2 - Aging and Integrity

8

2

1992

Fall

"/s your heart true to
no/ heart as mine
is to yours? .. 1J it
is, gIVe me your
hand." 2 Kings 10: /5 Reconciling Ministries with
Lesbiam and Gay Men
Vol. 8 No.2 Fall 1992
4..tS"1rJ. ....
Aging and:
Integrity
$5.00 :
I
Open Hands is published quarterly
by the Reconciling Congregation
Program, Inc. as a resource for congregations
and individuals seeking to be in
ministry with lesbians and gay men.
Each issue of Open Hands focuses on a
particular area of concern related to gay
men and lesbians within the church.
The Reconciling Congregation
Program is a network of United
Methodist local churches that publicly
affirm their miniSlrY with the whole
family of God and welcome lesbians
and gay men into their community of
faith. In this network, Reconciling
Congregations find strength and
support as they strive to overcome the
divisions caused by prejudice and
homophobia in our church and in our
society. Reconciling Congregations
along with their kindred More Light
(Presbyterian), Open and Affirming
(United Church of Christ/Disciples of
Christ), Reconciled-in-Christ
(Lutheran), Welcoming (Unitarian
Universalist), Supportive Congregations
- (Brethren/Mennonite) and
Welcoming and Affirming (American
Baptist) congregations - offer hope
that the church can be a reconciled
community.
To enable local churches to engage
in these ministries, the Reconciling
Congregation Program provides
resource materials, including Open
Hands. Information about the program
and these resources can be obtained
from:
Reconciling Congregation Program
3801 N. Keeler Avenue
Chicago,ll60641
Phone: 312 / 736-5526
Fax: 312 / 736-5475
2
Reconci ling Ministries with
Lesbians and Gay Men
Fall 1992
FOCUS OF THIS ISSUE: Aging and Integrity ..... .... ... ....... ... ... .......... .................. 3
IN THE STRUGGLE: AGING AND AGEISM
Aging: The Process and the Dilemma ... ..... .... ........ .... ..... ........ ...... ......... .. 4
Mary Jo Osterman
Definitions ................ ......... ................................... ..... .... ................... 5
Aging, Heterosexism and Ageism ...... ....... .. ...... ... ..................... ........ ......... 6
Del Martin
Ageism Is ............... ....... .... ....... ..... ... ..... ...... ................. ................. 7
Legal Terms & Documents .... .......................................................... 7
An Older Gay Male Couple Ponders Growing Old ........ ........ ................... 8
Alex Marin & Jay Bowles
VOICES OF THE ELDERS
Reflections from a Retired Minister .................... ... ..... ............. .............. 10
Peggy Gaylord with Bill Boyce
Out at Fifty .......................... ...... .. ...... ....... ..... ... ...... ....... .... ..................... 12
Jeanne Barnett
Grandma Is a Lesbian ................. ... ............................... .............. ............ 13
EWe Charlton
For United Methodists-To-Come .............................................................. 14
Keith Chalmers
1 Once Was a Liar ....... ....... ............ ... ..... ... ... ..... ...... ..... ............ ................ 15
David J. Biviano
Living an Honest Life .. .. ............... ...... ..... ..... ... ... ..... ... ..... ...................... 16
Ardelle Pearsall
In Remembrance of a Dear Friend .............. ... ............................ .... . .. 17
Anonymous
Organizational Sampling ....... .................. ..... ... ...... .. ....... ........ ...... 17
SUSTAINING THE SPIRIT
Anniversary: A Story-Sermon and Song ........... ...... ........ ... ...................... 18
John Sumwalt
RESOURCES ..................................................................................................... 20
RCP REPORT ......... ........... .................... ....... .. ................ .. ................................. 21
Welcome New RCs ............. .... ... ..... ............ ..... ... .... .. ..... ..... ....... .............. 21
Presbyterian High Court "Sets Aside" Spahr Call ...... ... ..... ..................... 22
Changes in Open Hands ....... ............................................... ... .... ... ... 23
RCP Board Launches Annual Campaign ..... ..... ...................................... 23
List of Reconciling Congregations .. ..... ..... ... ..... ... .......... .......... ............... 24
Open Hands
Aging and Integrity
Old gay men, lesbians, and bisexuals are everywhere. If we estimate
that 10 percent of the U.S. population is gay or lesbian, then
approximately 3.1 million gay men or lesbians over sixty·five years
of age live in the U.S. No solid estimates are available for the number of
bisexual women and men, but any such estimates would raise the 11
million figure even higher. Where are these older lesbians, bisexuals, and
gay men? They are among the most invisible, voiceless, nameless members
of our society.
How does growing old affect this mostly invisible group? In this issue of
Open Hands, we explore some of the aspects of being old in a heterosexually
dominant society. The first sect ion, "In the Struggle" includes three
articles which examine the nature and tasks of old age and the existence of
ageism in our SOCiety. The second section of the issue is devoted to "the
voices of the elders." Seven authors share some of the realities of their lives
and renecL on their journeys.
We seek to give visibility to our elders' joys and pains, needs and concerns.
Signs of strength and endurance are woven into these histories and
hersLories. Seeds of change spring from their hopes and visions for the
future. LiSLen to the voices.
Upcoming Theme Issues
Deadline for
Issue Year Focus Unsolicited
Manuscripts
Winter 1993 Strategies and Stories for the January 1, 1993
Reconciling Movement
Spring 1993 Christian Family Values February 15, 1993
Summer 1993 Exploring Biblical Issues April 15, 1993
which Impact our Ministries
Fall 1993 Counteracting the Religious June IS, 1993
Right
Winter 1994 Worship Resources for our August 15, 1993
Mmistries
If you are interested in writing for one of these issues, please send a
query leuer outlining your article idea. Writer's gUidelines are
available. Write to:
r",n 1992
OH Editor
Reconciling Congregation Program
3801 N. Keeler
Chicago, IL 60641
Reconciling Con9'"9"tion
Program Coordinator
Mark Bowman
Open Hands Ednor
Mary Jo Osterman
This Issue's Co-Coordinators
Jeanne Barnen
Ellie Charlton
Cover & Illustrations
laurie Sucher
Layout I Graphics I Typesetting
In Print - Jan Graves
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Subscriptions, letters 10 the editor,
manuscripts, requests for advertising rates
and inrormation, and other correspon·
dence should be sent to:
Open Hands
3801 N. Keeler Avenue
Chicago, Il 60641
Phone: 312 / 7)6·5526
Fax: 312 / 736-5475
© 1992 by Ihe
Reconciling Congregation Program, Inc.
Open Hands is a registered lrademark.
Winner 1992 Award of Merit for
"General Excellence"
The Associated Church Press.
Member, The Associated Church Press
ISSN 0888-8833 * Printed on recycled paper.
3
Aging. What images come to
mind? The answers will vary
depending on the age and life
experiences of the hearer. The lTUlh is,
aging begins at the moment of birth.
The increasing number of candles on
the birthday cake, year after year,
mark a child's journey toward
independence, self-identity, and
responsibility. Aging for children and
youth means growth toward maturity.
But for middle and older adults aging
rarely signifies simply growing older
and more mature. It ceases lO be
understood as a process; it pOinls to
an arrived at, flXed time of life. Old.
\Vho Is "Old'?
Those who work with lhe subject
of aging struggle La define "old"
but almost universally admit that there
can be no clear definition. Does it
have to do with physical functioning?
Then perhaps old might be defined in
terms of active-old, elderly, and frailelderly.
Does old have LO do with
chronological age? Some geronLOlogists
(see box) name three levels of life
in older adult years: young-aging,
middle-aging, and elderly-aging. Does
old have to do with society's perception
of age? Then the most descriptive
tenns might be pre-retirement and
post-retirement years.
Human beings defY such neat
categorizations. We are much lOO
complicated to be so precisely
packaged. Our years may put us in
one category, our health in another,
and our emotional and mental states
in still another. Nevertheless, as we
attempt to comprehend the aging
process we find it necessary and
helpful to continue to use the undefinable
tenn, uold.ft
What we do know is this: At some
point in the life-cycle there is a gradual
and almost imperceptible shift in our
mental image of "aging." No longer
does aging bring to mind positive
images of gain. Rather it begins to
4
by Mary ]0 Osterman
carry the negative message of loss:
loss of job, loss of health, loss of
friends, loss of spouse, loss of income,
and loss of place in society.
We may first glimpse this shift as
we experience the aging and death of
parents. Soon we begin to nolice telltale
signs of aging in ourselves, and we
become acutely conscious of our own
mortality. From that moment 011,
aging ceases to be an academic subject
or the life experience of others. It
becomes our own personal journey
even though we may be years or even
decades away from becoming ~old old"
or "frail-elderly.ft
The Tasks of Later Adulthood
Every stage of life has its own
unique tasks which must be
resolved, its own hurdles which must
be cleared, and its own dilemmas
which must be analyzed and conquered.
Children work on gaining a
sense of trust and a sense of being
able lO perfonn new skills. Children
also work on the issue of being
connected and being detached from
others. Youth and young adults focus
on issues of identity and intimacy.
Developmental theorists (see box)
have described the tasks of later
adulthood in a variety of ways. One
theorist has suggested that the central
task of later adulthood is simplificalion:
learning to distinguish the less
important from the more important;
eliminating the less important; and
using thinking, feeling and action
energies for the more important.
For another theorist the key task is
adju.stment Some of the realities to
which older adults must adjust
include decreasing physical strength
and general health, retirement and
reduced income, death of friends and
loved ones, and possible change of
living arrangements.
For psycho-social developmental
theorist Erik Erikson the key word for
the last stage in the life-cycle is
integrity. Erikson says the task of lhis
final stage is two-fold: to be, through
having been; and to face not being. 1
Whatever else one may think of
Erikson's theoretical fonnulations l
the aging population understands the
relevance of this last stage, which he
names «Integrity versus Despair."
Every older adult knows that the crisis
of older adulthood is whether one will
end life feeling good or feeling
depressed and worthless.
Older adults know that when the
tasks of middle adulthood have been
completed, the identity question must
once more be ansv.rered: ~Who are we
now?" In early and middle adulthood,
we fonned relationships, created a
home, raised children, developed
friends, refined employment skills
and set career goals. Now the relationships
may be over, any children we
had are grown and on their own,
employment has ceased by either
forced or voluntary retirement, and
we are in the process of redefining
who we have become. The next great
inevitable task of life will be to face
our own "not being" But before that
time we look back at our "having
been" and ask, "So, how did we do?"
Idealry. the outcome of our
life journey is integrity. If we
are not able to stry "It was
good!" we may fall into
despair.
Ideally, the outcome of our life
journey is integrity. We want to be
able to look back, see what we have
done and who we have become, and
be able to accept the "having been"
with joy and affirmation. If we are not
able to say «It was good!" we may fall
into despair, wishing life had been
Open Hands
[
different. yet knowing that there is not
enough time left to stan over with
different choices.
A newly retired college professor
wrote in her Christmas leuer: ~What I
hadn't counted on was a strange sense
of 'identity crisis' I suppose they call
it, with no bells calling me to class or
chapel - a new wilderness all my own
to be weathered through, along with
relentless re-evaluating of my professional
years." After naming two
friends who had died, she goes on to
say, "I feel like a struggling pine in a
lonesome place where two mighty
oaks have fallen." This woman's words
are a classic illustration of one who
searches for integrity in older adulthood:
Who am I now? How did 1 do?
How do I face "nOI being"?
Being Old and Gay:
The Dilemma
Older adults, then, all face the
tasks of simplifying life.
adjusling 10 changed physical,
emotional and mental realities, and
resolving the crisis of integrity versus
despair. These tasks <Ire not simple for
<lnyone. But for some <lging g<ly men,
lesbians, and bisexuals, older aduhhood
brings <In added dimension - a
further dilemma or crisis imposed by
a hetcrosexisl social order.
Lesbians, bisexuals, and gay
men long to be honest, to
gain integrity; but their
search is made more difficult
by the oppression oj a
homophobic culture.
Lesbians, bisexuals, and g<ly men
long 10 be honest, to g<lin integrity;
but their search is made more difficult
by the oppression of a homophobic
cullUre. If they respond to their feMs
of rejection and punishment by hiding
their sexu<ll identity in an attempt to
avoid the p<lin of discrimin<ltion and
prejudice, they compromise their
search for integrity. If they forthrightly
seek imegrity by being honest about
their sexu<ll orient<ltion, they risk
Fall 1992
society's punishments which may
include loss of home, family, friends,
income, or professional reputation. Yet
they must meet the crisis of integrity
versus despair he<ld-on if they <Ire to
resolve the dilemm<l fully.
The tension old gays, lesbians, and
bisexuals face is vividly expressed in
the poem «I Once Was a Liar~ (page
15)
I once was a liar
My whole life balanced
precariously on a
lie.
The resolution of that tension is
also vi.vidly expressed in «Living an
Honest Life" (page 16):
I'm happier than I've
ever been because 1 am
living an honest life.
The pull toward integrity is very
strong at any age, but it is especially
powerful in old age. To gain integrity
some gays, bisexuals, and lesbians will
risk home, family, income, friendships,
and hard-won profeSSional
reputations built over a lifetime.
Others will find ways to resolve the
dilemma without risking all. For still
others, <I compromise with integrity
will be forged. As one author (page
10) in this issue shared, YAfter I'm
gone, they can know . .. I've left
papers in my files ... It won't matter
to me anymore." It's a compromise -
in the midst of a hostile world - that
has its own internal sense of imegrity.
DEFINITIONS
New Being and Not Being
Old age is nO[ only a time for
solVing crises and dilemmas,
but also for venturing into new
experiences <lnd exploring dimensions
of oneself that one hadn't had
time to do before. The stories of the
elders in this issue are full of examples
of life going on joyfully.
New facets of the older adult's
"being~ emerge as she or he has more
leisure (<lnd perhaps for the fortunate
few, more discretionary income) for
learning, travel, making friends,
having fun. In short, older adults of <Ill
sexual orientations are still ~being,"
still becoming all that they hope to be.
Old age is also that time when
adults must face that ultimate experience
of "not being" Death - whether
our spouse's or our friends' or our
own - comes ever closer La us. Part of
seeking integrity is coming to terms
with the meaning of existence. Just
what is life all about? Wh<lt does it
me<ln th<lt we have lived on this earth
for Sixty, seventy or eighty years? What
does it mean La "not ben? What does
our faith tell us" Such questions and
reflections know no sexual orientation
boundaries, except as they are
tied to how well <I person has been
able to resolve the integrity issue.
Ageism: "Prejudice and discrimination directed toward persons based on a
"be.lief that,~ person's worth and abilities are determined solely by chronolog1cal
age. (Ourselves, Growing Older, p xxii)
Developmental Theorists: scientists who study human growth over the
life span and who <lssume that persons progress through orderly stages
which involve distinct I<Isks.
Gerontology: the scientific study of aging and the problems of the <lged.
~eterosexism: Prejudice <lnd discrimination directed toward persons
SImply because they are gay, lesbian, or bisexual.
Integrity: a sense of completeness, soundness, and rightness; ''<In acceptance
of one's one and only life cycle with no basic regret that it should
have been otherwise." (Hiltner, Toward A T1teology of Aging, p. 159).
Compiled by Editor
5
What If?
Reaching toward integrity may be a
smooth journey or a rough one.
Integrity may be fully or only partially
realized. Honesty with the world may
be hard-won or painfully rejected. Yet
most lesbians, gay men, and bisexuals
(as most heterosexuals) manage to
lead meaningful, productive lives. That
this is more difficult for those in
oppressed groups is one of the tragic
facts of twentieth century life.
But what if our culture wasn't
ageist? (see box) What if children,
youth, and adults of all ages were
equally valued? What if old women
were as valued as old men? What if
old women didn't lry to ~pass " as
younger in order to forestall discrimination,
Isolation, or rejection?
And what If our culture wasn't
heterosexist1 (see box) What if all
persons, regardless of their sexual
orientation, were valued for who they
were and how ethically they lived their
lives? What if all lesbians, gay men,
and bisexuals over nfly risked being
honest? What if we could write the
story of our lives like the storyteller
who wrote "Anniversary" (page lB) so
that in the end everyone was convinced,
and everyone could live
happily ever after? '"
1 Erik Erikson, Identity and the Life
Cycle. New York: Norton, 1959, 1980,
pp. 104·5; 178.
2 Carol Gilligan, 1t1 A Different
Voice. Cambridge: Harvard University
Press, 1982, ch. I.
6
i$5utS oj coming our,
homophobia and
htfcroscxism.
-& AGlb]SMi
--
By Del Martin
Lesbians have been blaZing trails in
anti-oppression activism for
decades. Those of us who have
reached old age - in or out of the
closet - are survivors. We have been
inventing our lives in various phases -
learning how to turn negatives into
positives. Old age is no exception. We
recognize ageism as another hurdle in
our H\."l!S, along with helerosexism.
On "How Not to be a
Bag Lady" ~
Phyllis and I went to a Community
College seminar on ~How Not To
Be A Bag Lady In Your Old Age.~ As
usual it was geared for heterosexual
women. One tOpiC of concern to us
was how to protect the other if one of
us was stricken with a catastrophic
illness. A lawyer [rom Legal Services
for the Elderly explained that a
married couplc would have to spend
down to the limit of cash assets
allowed before Medicaid would kick
in. He said the family home would be
left intact as long as the ~spousc"
resided there. We asked, UWhat about
us - a lesbian couple whose home is
held in joint tenancyr He had nOl
been asked that question before. He
paused a moment, poiming out that,
no matter the longevity of our
relationship (now thirty-nine years),
legally we are strangers! ~In your case
you'd probably have to sell half the
house."
We decided it was time to update
our wills. We also found it necessary
to draw up powers of anorney for
decisions regarding health and
financial mallers in case one or the
other was incapacitated. We had
always kept our bank accounts and
other assets in joint tenancy, but after
the "bag lady" seminar, we divided
most of them into separate living
trusts so as to protect each other from
being wIped out completely in case of
a catastrophic illness. That's eight legal
documents to cover what is laken for
granted by married couples. That's
heterosexism at work.
On Overcoming our Ageism
The West Coast Celebration By and
For Old Lesbians held in 1987
changed our lives significantly.
Participation \vas limited to lesbians
sixty years of age or more. The
organizers chose that age "because the
degree of oppression is greater beyond
mid-life, after sixty, when most of us
know what it is to be perceived as
'old'."
Our first breakthrough in the
conference was openly admilling our
age on our identification badges. We
reclaimed the word old in its positive
sense just as we had done with the
teons lesbian and dyke. Old denotes
chronological age, a stage of life which
can be a beginning, tying up loose
ends. learning and changing, doing
things we had always wanted to do but
never seemed to have the time,
creating new endings. We refuse the
lie that it is shameful to be an old
woman.
Many participants in the old
lesbians' conference had never before
given thought to ageism and how it
affected them. Some could not
Open Hands
differentiate between natural aging
and the unnat ural practice of ageism.
Page Smith, in his column Coming
OJ Age, highlights a form of ageism
seen in the temptation to blame old
age for a hosl of Ihings nOI necessarily
connected with il at all. ~ l t is a vice
indulged in," he said, "especially by
the 'new old' men and women in their
sixties and seventies who are relatively
inexperienced at being old .
One example Smith used of ageism
is people's response to memory lapse.
Most people who are unable to recall a
name or date would suy readily, "Il will
come to me if I don't try. Just give me
a moment I feel so fooli sh." But when
it happens 10 someone old, there
seems to be an irrepressible impulse
to say, "1 can't remember. I know it so
well. I must be gClIlng senile." That's
blaming old age, Smith poimed OUl.l
Having had our consciousness
raised by the old lesbian conference
and by Smith, PhylliS and I are
learning to say, "I have a lot more data
in my unconscious mind's computer.
Today it must be on overload. II will
come to me."
The Value of Aging
Page Smith also bemoans the host
of experts who counsel and
AGEISM IS . ..
advise us on what to do to cope with
or triumph over old agc as though,
ultimately, that wcre possible. In the
process they distract us from using
old age as a way of coming to terms
with the meaning of existence.
As old lesbians we refuse to look al
this phase of lire as a terminal disease.
We acknowledge that death is
inevitable. We acceptlhal. But we
aren't about to sentence ourselves to
death row. There is too much to do,
too many new adventures to experience.
Besides, Phyllis and I have a date
for New Year's Eve 1999 to see Ihe
new century in. 'Y
1 ExcerptedJrom a speech given at Ihe
conference "Diversity Wilh a Difference:
Serving 3 Million Aging Gays and
Lesbians", sponsored by the American
Society On Aging. June 22, 1992.
2 Page Smith, "Coming OJ Age", Sa"
Francisco Chronicle. "This Worlel"
Sunday Supplement, June 25, 1989.
©1992 LyMllr Associates Used with
permission.
DEL MARTIN IS a co-founder of Daughters
of Bilifis, co-author of Lesbian Woman, a rId
a prou.d old lesb!an of 71 .
using "old" as a derogatory term and "young" as a compliment
· .. tnviahzing an old person's anger as ~feisty" and a younger person's
anger as "appropriate and assertive"
, . speakmg of old women as "complaining" or ~crotchety" or "difficult"
or "witchy"
· .. categorizing old men as "dirty~, old gay men as "aging queens", old
women as "grandmother", and old lesbians as "old dykes"
· .. dismissing old persons' concerns about arthrilis or heart attacks, but
talking constantly aboUl premenstrual syndrome or "tennis elbow"
saying "you don't look that oldn
· .. seeing all old people as ailing and failing and out of touch
. lelling ageist comments go because the speaker didn't really "mean it
that way"
Fall 1992
Compiled by Editor
Sources. look Me In The Eye
OlOC brochLlre
OurSelves, Growing Oilier
~
Legal Tenns & Documents
WILL: a document stating who is to
receive your assets after your death.
: ~IVING TRUST: a way of holding the
: title to your home and other assets that
enables your estate to bypass the
probate process after your death.
Avoids costs and delay and protects
your privacy. Living trusts are contested
less often than wills.
ESTATE: all the "stuff" you own: home,
car, household furniture, savings
accounts, stocks and bonds, etc.
PROBATE: a court procedure of six
months to two years in which your will
is filed with the court and becomes a
public record. Probate requires an
inventory and appraisal of your estate.
Probate fa.....-yers· and executor's fees
are a percentage of the gross value of
the estate.
DURABLE POWER OF ATIORNEY
FOR HEALTH CARE: authorizes
someone to make health care decisions
for you if you cannot. Customized DPAs
will allow you to grant hospital visitation.
indicate specific life-sustaining
treatment choices, authorize someone
to maintain your home, care for pets,
claim personal belongings, and arrange
burial or cremation.
CONSERVATORSHIP: appointment by
the court of a guardian for you. In
naming a guardian, the court will
follow a set of priorities (spouse. adult
child, parent, sibling, niece or nephew .
. . any other person or entity).
Unneccesary if you have signed durable
powers of attorney.
LIFE INSURANCE BENEFICIARY: If
you name "my estate" and have a will,
proceeds go through probate rather
than being paid directly and quickly to
your beneficiary.
NAN L. GOODART, an attorney in
Sacramento, CA, who focuses exclusively
on estate planning, trusts. wills, gift and
estate taxation. and probate matters, She
has written Who Will It Hurt When I Die;
A Primer on the Livjng Trust, 1992.
Order from Honor Bound Books.
916/422·9208
7
An Older Gay Male
Couple Ponders Growing Old
We are two gay men who have
been in a monogamous
relationship for nine years. The
following conversation reflects our
thoughts about growing older.
VVhatDocs it Mean to
Get Older?
Alex: Well, for one thing it can
mean changes in the status of our
health. [ have more concern now than
1 ever did about blood pressure, heart
rate, cholesterol counts, and the
incidence of prostate cancer in older
men.
Jay: Yes, those pains that we
ignored when we were younger we no
longer ignore. We wonder if each one
is something serious.
Alex: But beyond the physical
aspects, aging also means changes in
my state of mind. My retirement as a
minister did not result in my feeling
useless. I have still preached some, led
worship, served Holy Communion,
taught classes and workshops, and led
discussion groups. However, it's been
at someone else's invitation and on a
part-time basis.
Beyond the professional sphere,
aging has meant a broadening of my
interests. 1 have done some reading in
new areas. I have retrieved some of the
hobbies 1 had put away. We have done
some traveling. And we've gotten to
know some new people and developed
a new circle of friends.
Jay: And now that I am not
dependent on a job and a pay check I
feel more comfortable coming out to
selected people without fear of lasing
my income. I can be more active in
the gay scene and make and enjoy gay
friends.
What Unique Tasks Can
Older Gay People CaTry Out?
Jay: I have recently become more
aware of our responsibility to the
youth who are struggling with their
8
by Alex Marin & Jay Bowles
sexuality. We read that so many of
them are committing suicide.
Alex: Yes, in our area it seems there
is no place adolescents can go, no one
to talk to, no one to help them as they
deal with that issue.
Jay: And t understand from one
public high school teacher and a local
college faculty member that homophobia
is rampan t among the youth
themselves.
Alex: So as older gay men we have
a concern that today's gay youth not
have to go through what we did - that
feeling of knowing you are different
from other people and wondering if
you are the only person in the world
attracted to the same gender. What
isolation I remember feeling!
Jay: So one of our tasks is to find
\V3ys to help these youth. For instance,
could we help them steer clear of the
~solutions~ that may be forced upon
them, like fundamentalists who want
to ~save~ them or change them into
heterosexuals?
Alex And could we help their
parents better understand and accept
their sexuality? Maybe some older
gays might be instrumental in helping
these youth avoid some of the confusion
and heartache we experienced.
Is Aging Different fOT
Gay Men?
Jay: Being gay does give some of us
new concerns as we gel older. Since I
have no biological family, I often
wonder who would take care of me if
something happened to you, Alex, and
I \vcre no longer able to care for
myself. I wonder who would handle
my finances and be concerned about
me as a person.
Alex: What you're saying is not
unique to gay men, but is also true for
older lesbians, bisexuals, and heterosexuals
without families. Our view of
aging has not been "slanted" just
because we are gay.
Jay: However, being an older gay
person does mean some of us have to
be intentional about ~finding a family~
among our gay friends. Otherwise, for
some older gay people like me there
would be no family.
How Do We Approach Getting
Older? How Docs OUT Faith
Enter In?
Alex: I want to enjoy every minute
of life! It's a wonderful opportunity, a
time with many possibilities. I can't
waste my time complaining. I am still
in COntrol. I will decide what I want to
do and what I don't want to do.
I think this approach to life is quite
consistent with my Christian faith. As
a Christian I believe I am God's
unique creation, a very special person
JUSt as I am - as a gay man. I believe
the various denominations are wrong,
even unchristian, in their views that
homosexuality is unchristian. But that
docs not take away my worth or my
faith. Nor docs it take away my
optimism about my own future as a
gay male who is growing older.
J ay: Aging is something we all do.
The key is to age as gracefully as
possible and to keep doing things at
full potential, even though that
potential may decrease. If I had no
religious faith 1 would be more
pessimistic. Once this body is gone
there would be nothing else, but with
my faith I know that once this body is
gone there will be another better life.
What Values Do We
Piau on Aging?
Alex Getting older has allowed me
to reach retirement with a decent
income. So now that I have the extra
time, I am able to do things I had to
put off when I was younger and did
nOt have either the money or the time
to do.
Jay: V/hen I was younger I was
Open Hands
always pUlling money away for
retirement. My income was more
limited, so I had to make my purchases
very carefully, like buying a
cheaper car, Now 1 don't have to
pinch pennies waiting for old age, I
am there, So now 1 can indulge myself
occasionally and do some traveling or
buy a better car,
AJel(: In addition to material things,
I find value in just having the freedom
LO make choices about what I do and
what I don't do. Satisfaction comes in
being mysel f.
What Concerns Do We Have
about Getting Older? How Do
They Affect our Relationship?
AJel(: I am concerned enough
about my physical health to watch my
fat intake and try to exercise regularly.
I want to maintain my current level of
health.
Jay: If I were an unattached gay
male at my age I am sure I would have
more serious concerns about getting
older. But since I am not out looking
for a partner, my major concern is
caring for mysel f now so that I can
have a healthy future.
AJex: Also I wonder at times
whether I would spend the rest of my
life alone if something were to happen
to you, Jay. I want you to preserve the
health you have now.
One effect these health concerns
has on our relationship is to make us
want to do things now and not put
them off until later. We have not
lraveled together to Europe, for
instance, and we sometimes make
comments like, ~We'd better go ahead
and do it now while we can enjoy it
and do it together. ~
Jay: This is constantly reinforced in
my mind because of the death of Sam,
my previous spouse, before we had a
chance to carry out most of our plans.
Also, because we fear being alone,
some of us who are older probably
put more effort inlo making a relationship
work than younger gay men do. I
guess younger men feel they can go
OUI and find another relationship if
the current one docs not work. When
Sam died nine years ago my fear at the
time was that [ would just die a lonely
fall 1992
old man with no one the least bit
concerned about me and my welfare.
Have We Experienced
Ageism?
J ay: I am not aware of any discrimination
from the general society jusl
because of my age. Perhaps we gays
have had a lifetime of discrimination
and have become so hardened to it
that we don't recognize additional
discrimination because of our age.
AJex: Over the years I have been
judged much younger than my chronological
age, even though I have been
bald-headed for a long
time. I think that fact may
have shielded me from
some ageism. People say,
"1 would never have
guessed your age!
You seem much
younger!" Of
course, that
statement ilself
may be
ageist.
Jay: I feel
certain that if I
were oUllooking
for a partner,
especially
someone
younger than
myself, I would
experience ageism
in the gay community.
But I don't think I
have ever actually experienced it.
A1ex I also think that we have chosen
older gay friends - people who
have more in common with us, But I
have nOI felt discriminated against just
because of my age among other gay
people we know or when we've been
traveling with other gays.
Jay: in the Metropolitan Community
Church where we attend, several
younger gay men actually seem to
look up 10 us. Maybe it's because
long-tenn relationships are sometimes
less common in the younger gay
community. So those younger gay
men who know my history of having
been in a relationship for twenty-five
years look to me for "the secret."
Alex: I agree. I also feel that many
folks in our MCC congregation treat
me with honor rather than discrimination
because my ministerial background
has made it easy for me to
help the congregation in various ways.
I cenainly have never felt M set aside~
because 1 am old. I wonder if ageism
affects us differently as gay males than
it does lesbians or bisexuals?
Jay: No, I don't think so. Of course,
t have no experience as a lesbian or as
a bisexual! But, based on my experience
as a gay male, it seems to me that
all of us - even heterosexuals - would
experience a similar degree of dis-
____ ~ crimination as we get
older.
A1ex I don't think gay
men experience ageism
just because they are gay
males. Maybe ageism runs
more along gender lines
than orientation lines. Or
perhaps if we aren't
looking for evidence of
discrimination we jusl
don't find it.
Both: In shon, we
have high hopes for the
coming years. After ail,
we survived our terrible
teens with their
confusion and hopelessness.
We no longer
have to put on our
\ straight faces in the
workplace where slurs
and hatred were
directed at those who live a gay
or lesbian life-style. Now we can
live our lives more openly as the gay
men we have always been. We can
choose to do what we please, when we
please, with whom we please. We're
glad to be gay. We don't mind geuing
older. And we're glad to say so . ...
ALEX MARIN (a pseudonym), 64, is a
rdind ordained minister who has served
both in local churches and on a national
Sf(ljf He hill been married and has childrrn
and grandchildren.
JAY BOWLES (a pseudonym), 59, is (I retired
cQunselor. Although never heterosexually
married, he was in a commiffed long-term
relationship with a man who died of wncer.
Alex and Jay have been together nine ytars.
9
'101t::E~
., ft.c
Ell>E~~
Peggy's Introduction
I travel extensively throughout the
country as a member of the nalional
Affirmation Council and the Reconciling
Congregation Board. Rarely do I
visit a community where I do not hear
a few more stories of bisexual, lesbian,
and gay people's struggles in our
church and society. A few years ago I
received this letter from Rev. Bill
Boyce·:
I can't tell you how exciting
and liberating it was for me to
take up Open Hands last night
and read your "Striving Toward
WholcnessM [Winter 1989J. I want
you to know how much I respect
and praise you for the courage h
took to "come oulM LO all those
who will be reading it
I have much lO share with you,
as an experience in the early years
of my ministry opened me up to
the realization that 1 was bisexual
(I like your term, ambisexual, too).
As a result, I have never been the
same and have wrestled with the
problem through the years.
Retired now for almost fifteen
years,] have had time to do much
reading and thinking. It is the
kind of thing that I can't share
with my wife as she is homophobic
and critical. But our relationship
has never been hurt by my
different orientation. We celebr.ue
over fifty years of solid and fu lfill ing
married life ..
Peggy: ] had received Bill's leuer as
my long-term relationship was
dissolving, so I never did write back to
ask him to share his story with me
more fully. But at the United Methodist
General Conference this year, ] was
excited to meet Bill face to face, and
he allowed me to tape OUT conversations.
Below are excerpted passages.
10
RETIRED
MINISTER
by Peggy Gaylord with Bill Boyce
On Bisexuality
BILL: Yes, I had a homosexual
experience when I was in the pastorate.
After ten years of ministry in rural
areas I was appointed to a small city
church. A young man, Harold,idolized
me. ] was his role model. He
became a minister and is a terrinc one
today.
Harold was desperate for love and
affection and understanding. He was
in the parsonage constantly. He
wanted to go to conference with me,
and he kept insisting on rooming with
me even though there was only one
bed. Finally I let him.
Well, we had an experience in the
nighl. It devastated me because I
knew that it was wrong. I'd been
brought up to believe that it was
wrong, and yet it happened. It was
such a wonderful experience, and
that's where it started. I was in that
church for another year until ] was
reappointed. We were together from
time to time, and the experience was
repeated.
After we were physically separated,
we never got together again, until
aboutthirty-fjve years later, when we
shared a room at a statewide pastors'
school. We had another experience
there. We still felt the same way
toWard each other after all those years.
It was a fulfillment in a way. J wanted
it again, but it has never happened
since. He made other arrangements
for atlending the pastors' school the
next year.
I see him from time to time and
our families see each other. He named
a son after me. But he doesn't want to
talk about homosexuality or about
what is happening in the church.
PEGGY: Had you ever thought
about this before it happened?
BILL: Never. I'd always thought
that it was wrong.
PEGGY: Tell me about your family.
BILL: They're scatlered all across
the country, and my children all have
children. Two of mine understand a
little bit of my interest in homosexuality,
but they don't know that I've had a
homosexual experience. I've never
publicly (or even to the family) called
myse1fbisexual, because then they
would be curious. Two would sympathize,
but my sons, being macho,
would want 10 know more than they
need to know or than I want to tell.
But after I'm dead I thought my family
could know, so ] have a record of my
relationship with Harold. They can
deal with il the way they want. At least
two of my children will understand,
and maybe their spouses will, too. The
OIhers may be offended by it and not
be able to accept it. But that's life.
PEGGY: Aren't you concerned
about Harold or your wife if she's still
alive?
BILL: tr I'm dead, it won't maller.
They can know the truth after I'm
dead.
PEGGY: So in that sense your
death would be a freeing experience?
You could finally reveal who you were?
B1LL: Exactly, exactly.
PEGGY: Have you ever regreued
that it happened?
BILL: My life would have been
entirely different if it hadn't happened.
I mean, I would never have
had all this concern and interest. No,
it's opened me up to an understanding
of gays and lesbians. I've had the
experience myself, and 1 know.
I also can't say that I've regretted it
because Harold went on to be so
effective. He has a very responsible
position in the church and will be
retiring soon himself. He wasn't
damaged. He's living a fulfilled life.
He wrote me a tener after our last
experience in which he said that he
never regretted it, that he never held it
against me.
PEGGY: Does your wife know?
BILL: No, she's never figured it out.
PEGGY: Have you been able to
Open Hands
share this pan of yourself with
anyone?
BILL: No, I've told you more than
I've ever told anybody.
PEGGY: When did you stan calling
yourself "bisexuaIH?
BILL: It was a long time later,
actually not until I retired. I've had an
awful lot of time to think. It's been
since then that 1 realized that this
experience could only have happened
because that's who I am. I do have real
identity with gay and lesbian people. J
realize that 1 am more than just a
heterosexual.
PEGGY: What arc the unique gifts
of bisexuals?
BILl: Understanding, knowledge.
They can test ify to the fact that God
didn't make us all for heterosexual
relationships. We get that in the older
and first account of creation: "male
and female, He created them, in His
own image." So it would appear that
God has female charncteristics. 1 think
He surely does. 1 think the bisexual
understands that better.
PEGGY: If orientation is a given,
what do you think about choice and
bisexuality?
BILl: There's gOt to be a commitment,
it's got to be monogamous. I'm
just turned off by bisexuals who have
more than one partner. I can't see thaI.
I believe that a bisexual would have to
be committed, faithful, lOVing, and
really care about the persons - a man
caring for a man, a man caring for his
wife, like myse! f. J haven't quite come
to the point of whether we should call
it marriage.
PEGGY: I'm a little curious. To me,
monogamy would imply you would
have had to choose one or the other.
BILL: No, I don't mean that. 1
mean you can be faithful to your
spouse and to all the commitments of
your marriage, but you can also be
faithful in a relationship with someone
of the same sex, but only to one.
PEGGY: Some bisexuals believe
that you should only have one
relationship at a time. But, you're
talking about two monogamous
relationships?
BILL: That's the way it was with
me. Of course, it was a terrible risk at
first, but Harold meant so much to
Fall 1992
me. I finally came to accept it.
On Aging & Ageism
PEGGY: Tell me about your
experience of aging.
BILL: I've fallen twice in the last
year. i never dreamed I'd have to go
through what I'm going through. I feel
as if I've become old in just these last
few months. It's such a contrast to
what I was. Something like that can
make you old quick. [ haven't been
able to correspond much lately. 1 can't
sit at the piano, so music is going out
of my life.
PEGGY: Have you experienced
ageism?
BILl: It's never troubled me that
they don't ask me to do things due to
my age, because I'm unable to do
extra things. I'm thankful thaI people
let me get away with not haVing to do
things.
On Faith & Future Hopes
PEGGY: What has the church
meant to you in your lifetime?
BILL: The church has been my life,
I love it. To this day, I remember
singing in Sunday School, ~Jesus is all
the world to me ... »
PEGGY: What are your hopes for
the future?
BILL: Georgia Harkness predicted
it would take the church twenty years
(by 1992) to gel this issue of homosexuality
resolved. BuL she was wrong;
it's still dividing the church. The sad
part to me is that the church is simply
echoing what society is doing. The
church isn't leading us 10 the Chris·
tian point of view. 1 hoped so much
for something better at the United
Methodist General Conference. To me
it is so simple. Homosexuality and
bisexuality are givens as much as
lefthandedness or black hair. The idea
that a gay or lesbian person makes a
choice and is immoral, all of that is
wrong. There's so much testimony
that it just seems so stupid to go on
saying that gays and lesbians are
choosing the immoral, evil way. We
need to reinterpret the Bible in light of
present day knowledge.
PEGGY: What gives you strength
when you feci alone or when you feel
times are bleak?
My spiritual life has
certainly deepened as the
result of hurt, because I
identify my hurt with the
hurt that so many are
having I constantly tum
to God.
BILL: In a way, I feel that God has
been more real and available. My
spiritual life has certainly deepened as
the result of hurt, because I identify
my hurt with the hurt that so many
are haVing. I constantly turn to God.
To have patience, too, is so important.
Yes, and 1 thought I would never
want to die. But that comes so often. I
wish I could go to sleep and never
wake up. You sort of envy the people
who just die in their sleep. You have
days like that where you feel you just
can'Lgo on.
PEGGY: And what pulls you
through those days?
BILL: It's only the belief that it is
God's way, that we have to go through
it, that we can't determine our death.
We've got to keep going, step by step.
You have to make the effort, you just
have to do it.
PEGGY: If you had some bit of
wisdom to pass on, what would it be?
BILL: (laughing) Just to keep on
keeping on, one step at a time, and
believe that God will see you through,
that God will be with you until the end. I
do have faith that eternal life is good ....
*Not the real name of either minister.
f-or obvious reasons, their names and
certain identifying facts were changed to
protect them.
REV. BILL BOYCE is the pseudonym of a
n:lirui pastor in his eighlles who served
churches ill prtdomillalltly rural areas. He
also ministered through his music.
PEGGY R. GAYLORD is a consultant ill
a/If"rnative healing/heallh
strategies and sexuality
education. She is a member
of Tabernacle United
Methodist Church,
Binghamton, New York,
pari of Ihe Wyoming
Conference.
II
"ott:E~
" f~e
El~E~~
First Comes Love
At age fifty I fell in love.
Since I had never been in
love, how could I be sure? But I knew
the feelings I had were more than
friendship and I concluded I was in
love.
The person [ fell in love with was a
woman. "Ah ha," lthought, "I am a
lesbian." That immediately felt
absolutely right for me. There wasn't
any struggle. Itjusl was - and it was
just right
I was fascinated thai 1 hadn't
figured out my orientation until! was
fifty. AfleT going steady in high school
and dating some in college, 1 knew I
wouldn't gel married. I ralionalized
that I was lOO smart, not good
looking, and too competit ive. Most
importantly, I knew I wouldn't play
"those games" to catch a man. So I
proceeded to work hard to support
myself. The hard work paid off with a
career in state service.
Once I understood myself to be a
lesbian, however, [ knew I wanted lO
be in a couple relationship - at once.
Alii could think of was how many
years I had lost. The woman [ fell in
love with did not return that love,
although we remain good friends to
this day.
Seeking a lesbian partner in my
fifties - what a mystery! 1 was ready,
but how was I to find her. How did I
ask someone for a date? Who paid for
dinner? When should we kiss? When
should we have sex? I had 100s of
questions and no one to talk to and
learn from.
I started going to lesbian events
and meeting people. At my very first
potluck, I met Ellie who was with
another woman. They Invited me to
go LO parties and concerts with them.
I began to meet women and date
some. I dated one woman a lot, then
realized that it was not a good
relationship for me. About the same
time, Ellie was breaking up with her
partner. We each became the close
12
by Jeanne Barnett
friend of the other and talked and
talked.
Ellie and I shared everything with
each other: what we were looking for
in a relationship; how important a
loving, long-term commitment was;
how important it was for us to be able
to talk openly and with truslo Slowly
we each began to recognize that the
qualities we were seeking in a relationship
were there in each other. But our
friendship was critical to us. If we
stepped over the line and became
lov£rs, would that end our friendship?
Both of us were reluctant to risk.
Months later we did, and with the
solid base of our friendship our love
grew and continues \0 grow to this
day.
Our love and commitment was
never more clearly shown than when 1
served on the United Methodist
Committee to Study Homosexuality.
After the first two meetings, Ellie and I
became aware that I was coming home
depressed. We decided it was important
for Ellie to accompany me to
these meHings for love, support and
care. When Ellie had problems getting
the time off from her state job, she
quit work and staTted her own
business, setting her own hours so
she could travel with me.
We are a couple, in love, supporting
each other in the efforts we make.
Our love clearly synergizes each of us
with the ability to do more than either
one of us would be able LO do alone.
Coming om at fifty - I would not
have missed it for the world. Ufe is
grand!
Then Comes Prejudice
I was well established at work and in
my church when I came out at fifty.
I suddenly faced the fear ofhomophobia
and the shock of prejudice. 1 was
afraid of rejection, being treated
differently, being told I was wrong,
being told I should change.
I had grown up and lived in that
comfortable American place: while,
middle class, Protestant, and assumed
heterosexual. I took things for
granted. I played out the social roles
laid out before me.
Once I knew I was a lesbian,
however, fear made me think and
react with tension. If I didn't tell
anyone I was a lesbian, then I
wouldn't have to deal with the fear.
But I was too happy with the new
discovery about myself to keep it a
secret.
So I was caught up in the fears,
mostly when I needed something and
wasn't sure how the person was going
to react. I was afraid when Ellie and I
applied for a home mortgage as a
couple and they told us to re-do the
papers. I was afraid when we applied
for a family membership in our auto
club and had to push all the way 10
headquarters to get them to say OK.
Gnawing fear crept into my thinking
when I applied for long-term health
care insurance and they asked why I
was living with another person. If I
said I was a lesbian, would they turn
me down?
Sometimes I question why others
are reacting as they do toward me? Is
it because I am lesbian 7 Some other
reason? I don't know for sure, but
doubts seep in.
Ufe is grand being out, being in
love. But now, the fear and discomfort
of meeting prejudice is also with me.
This fear will only leave me when
people realize that stigmatizing and
ostracizing whole classes of people in
our SOCiety is incompatible with
Christian teachings . ....
)ea,me Barllett, 62, retired as an administratOT
aJter thirty-two )'tars oj statl slrllict. Shl
is a member oJSt. Mark's United Methodist
Church ill SaCramlntO, chair oj thl
California-Nlvada
Reconcilillg COIIJerenct
Committee, and District
Lay Leader. She recenlly
returned to worh as OJfice
Manager Jar the Conference
Capitol Fw!d
Campaigll.
Open Hands
\jO'~E~
" tt.e
El~E~~
• •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• I •••••••••••••••••••••••
• •••••••••••••••••••••••••• I ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• "G'R'A"N D"M'A"'I'S"'/l"'['E'S'B"IA'N' ",.11.11 ••••••••••••• ' •• · 1,' •••
II I • I ,. ' I" ••• I.... " " • •
.1 < I • I • , "' t' I. ' II · '· ' " • •
II" . , . • '. I. , •• ' , II ' ' . ' "" · ...................................................... ,. ...... .
............................................. ;; ... ,. ........... by Ellie Charlton
T he year 1975 was a mOm enlOU5
onc for me, In)anuary I became
a g randmother. In April I lurned fo rty.
In May I started the process of coming
out.
Harvey C hinn, a mini ster in our
annual conference, ran a series of
articles on ~ Homosexua l s and the
Church" that spring in the United
Methodist Reporter. The articles
started m e on my journey.
That Ma y,Jane (not her real name)
and 1 were on our way to the United
Methodist Women's Conference
Training fo r District Officers. Having
met as new offi cers and become good
fri ends, we were haVi ng lunch before
the training event. We discussed
Ch inn's anicles in the Reporter and
whether h omosexuals should be
ministers. Jane said, "I'm bisexual you
know." I can't begin to tell you the
impact her statem ent had on me. We
went on to become lovers and I
started my self-discovery proce ss.
I had a long journey before me.
Where do you start when you have
three children (seventeen, nineteen ,
and twenty), a marriage of twentythree
years, and a brand new grandchil
d?
Life went smoothly for a while.
Sin ce Jane a nd I were both happily
married, we were lovers on th e side.
We shared our relationship with our
respective husbands so we didn't
expend a lot of energy trying to hide
or s neak behi nd thei r backs.
However, after fo ur years Jane
divorced and to ld me she wa s "looking
for a rich man to take h er fancy
p laces.~ I se t out to find a woman to
replace her, having realized my need
for a woman in my life.
But since I didn't know any gay
people, I spent the next three or four
years reading alii could find on
homosexuality, trying to meet lesbia
ns, and reviewing all the anraclions
and loving feelings I had had for
Fall 1992
women since age fi ve. I grieved for all
that I had denied of myself. I wondered
how much m y gel tin g married
and haVi ng a family was to meet Ihe
expectation s of my famil y, church,
and society.
I W<lS raised in the church and a
major part o f my adult life had
revolved around it. However, during
several years o f my coming o ut
process, 1 left the church, unable to
d eal w ith the nega tive feelings an d
unkind comments about gay p eople.
In 1982, after seven years in the
coming out process and after thirty
years of marriage, I separated from my
husband and started coming out to
my family: three children, brother,
Sis ler, a unt, uncle, and mother. My
father died before J wa s ready to tell
him a nd my grand children just grew
up knowing.
As one might expect, I received a
variety of react io ns. My aunt and
uncle were ac ce pting. So was one so n
and hiS fa mil y. However, at first my
daughter would n ot let my two
granddaughters stay wi th me. I feel
sad for the lost years of close grand·
mother/granddaughter relationsh ip
that can never be regained.
My daughter now has an interesting
relationship with my partner
Jeanne and me. Alth ough she feels "it
is not God's plan ," she visi ts us o ft en.
Recently, having watched our relationship
for yea rs, seei ng how we communicate,
an d feeling the love we have for
each other, she staled that she wished
she cou ld find a man just like J eanne.
I take that a s the ultimate co mpliment
My youngest son for many years
refused to talk to me or to return my
telephone calls. Only in th e last few
months have we started talking again
and rebuilding our friendship.
The most difficult to tell and the
last to know was Mom. How do you
co me out to Mom when she is eighty
and you are fifty-five and a mOlher
and grand mother yourself? For many
years I worried about Mom. Should I
come out to h er or n ot? Would she
accept me completely (not likely) or
have a h eart attack (maybe) or totally
reject me ( I didn't think so).
Finally, the time came wh en I knew
I must te U her. My family partner
Jeanne was on the United Methodist
Ge neral Conference Committee to
Study Ho m osexuality and it was
consuming a lot of our time. J was
abou t to quit my s tate job so I could
accompany her to those meetings.
[ fl ew Mom to Sacramento - and
fifteen years after my coming out
journey began, I took the big step. She
was not surprised - by now she had
fi gured it o ut! She d oesn't approve for
religiOUS reasons, but she s till loves
me. She acce pts Jeanne as my partner
a n d loves her too.
As things turned out, Jeanne and I
are much more "out" than we eve r
anticipated. We continue to hear of
newspapers that reported Jeanne's
coming out to th e Unite d Methodist
General Conference. I'm so glad I was
"outM to all members of my family.
Yes , this lesbian is a grandma - and
daughter and mother and sister and
niece! This lesbian is also an active
church member again - and much
more. I'm so glad I discovered my real
self. the person God crea ted me to be.
Thank yo u , Harvey Chinn . ..,
ELLIE CHARL1DN, 57, runs a hill paying
service, INDIVIDUAL FINANCIAL CARE.
Sht is a mtmber OJSI. Mark's Uniltd
Mtthodis[ Church in Sacramenfo, California,
is lre-asure-r oj [he
National Affjrmation
Co un cil, and chair oj [hI:
CalifornialNtvada
Annual ConJertnce
Commission On the
Stalus and Role of
Wome,l.
13
•
'10't:E~
" t~e
Ell)f~(
dJo;" UHi/eJ M~-<Jo.-~
I am out enjoying my Golden Years,
all seventy-six of them. But I have a
hope for United Methodists in years to
come. I hope they will have the
courage to be - to be themselves. I
hope they will nol feel. as I often have,
that to remain in the church means
they must deny their deepest loving
and sexual feelings. I hope they will
not feel they are the "u.ndesirables", as I
have.
War Years
From 1942-45 I was in the US.
Army Infantry. I was a Chaplain's
Assistant as well as piccolo player and
Army Division Band entertainer. In the
intense heat of a New Guinea summer
night in December 1944, 1 shared with
the chaplain (my part-time boss) my
arudeties about my inner homoerotic
feelings. There were no sexual
activities involved. I said I did not feel
1 could be a good future husband to
my fiancee, waiting for me at home.
The chaplain was a fine, well-meaning
Methodist, but I had unWillingly put
him in a tough spot A higher ranking
officer was also present that night in
his tent So my chaplain had no
choice but to agree with that lieutenant
colonel that I was henceforth
u.ndesirable 10 Ihe army.
Ensuing angry actions on my part
due to frustrating army delays and
threats of courl-manial led to my
hospitalization in New Guinea. My
chaplain, only a captain, could do
nothing for me.
After many months and three
transfers, army medical boards in the
United States dccided I was not
deserving of a dishonorable discharge,
since no homosexual acts had been
committed, only an expression of my
deepest feelings. My army discharge
was Honorable. Very understanding
psychiatrists and social workers sent
me on my civilian way just one week
before World War II ended. This
ordeal of months left me with strong
14
"" KuU. IJI.aI-,u
feelings of self-devaluation and
disappointmem for which, much later
in California, I found helpful counseling
In 1945 my fiancee broke our
engagement by mai\. 1 knew 1 was not
SUitable for marriage, but I kept
trying. Perhaps, I thought, I was a
latent heterosexual. A second failed
engagement in 1948 proved to me that
mine was not to be the heterosexual
path.
After my anny discharge, I was
hired by the New York City YMCA as
a veterans' business and vocational
counselor. My later work thcre as a
secretary caused intense inner
conflicts since pari of my work
was to check on ever longer
lists of "undesirables" who
were 10 be banned from
fUlure use of YMCA
facilities. MOSI persons
on these lists were
thought to be
homosexual.
Many prominenl
New York
City and Hollywood
names were
induded. I had been active in the
theater and musical worlds, both
professional and amateur. It was hard
to see former school and theater
colleagues on such lists. I did not
think of them as "undesirubles."
In my YMCA days I was being
promoted up the executive ladder. The
question was often asked, "When are
you going to get married? Your career
chances and salary will be better if
you do." Today ( know those questions
and statements were inappropriate
and very biased. But back then I
could not give an honest answer, so I
left that Christian organization in
1959.
Early Years
Sex education, or lack of it, shaped
my early years. In the 1920s in
'.
Massachusens, sex educalion was
thought lO be a little book called
~What Every Young Boy Should
Know. ~ As a result of that book (along
with books from the Boy Scouts of
America) my contemporaries and 1
daily checked on the results of
mast urbation. We watched for signs of
hair falling out, veins enlarged and
incipient idiocy. By 19281 was given a
book on reproduction. It featured the
fish and animal kingdom and very
liule about junior high school sex.
Our schools had no sex courses or
even general counselors. "Just keep
everything cleanH was the message of
our hygiene lectures.
In the Methodist
Episcopal Church of the
early 19305 I never heard
the word "homosexuality."
From my eighth
year onward i
inwardly felt
different But
this was the time
period of "The
Love that dares not
speak its name." Our youth ministers
were kind men, but they were very
concerned with economiC, social, and
anti-war issues rather than with sexual
counseling At our Epworth League
meetings, it was assumed that all
nonnal people were heterosexual.
However, I never heard that word
either.
The 1950s
I n the 1950s things were different.
In 1952, 1 was serving as music and
drama staff person in a Florida
Methodist church, when 1 was picked
up in a police entrapment campaign
against ~ quee rs.H My senior minister
never suggested dismissal but rather
offered constant. continuing friendship
and enthusiasm.
Homosexuals were visible in the
1950s musical world of our Florida
city, in which both my mother and I
Open Hands
,
I.
were active. My mother, music
teachers and friends would
lament the irregularit y, but
such gay men were neither
held up as models nor
ostracized from musical
d ubs nor spoken of
harshly.
In New York City
in 1956 1 joined the
large and vital Christ
Methodist Church on
Park Avenue. I was
active in the church's
theater group. II was
common knowledge
that two leaders of
that group were
living together in a
man-lo-man
relationship.
Everyone took it in
stride. I never
heard ministers or
lay people objecl lo ....... _____ _
the ohen very "campy~
professional dancers and actors
who were brought in 10 augment our
productions.
Concerns & Questions
After all these years - and many
other experiences in the 19605,
19705 and 19805, I am out enjoying
my life. But my conscience leads me
to ask the church at large to consider
these questions:
I. Just who is a homosexual and
why is it so important to know?
2. What are the spiritual and
physical effects of long-term
celibacy? of continued sublimation
of sexual feelings? Do
celibacy and sublimation make
for a more Christian life?
3. Does the phrase "love the sinner
but not the sin" encourage a
kind of heterosexual condescension?
Does it say ''I'm OK, bUl
you really are a little pecuJiarr
How Jesus-like is such an
implication?
4. Where will Christian gays,
lesbians, and bisexuals in the
future find their role-models?
Fall 1992
--' - -.:.-:-::;:-- --- ---
--------
Will they increaSingly turn away
from the church?
If the church can begin LO grapple
with these and other questions about
sexuality, perhaps loday's young
people will not reach their Golden
Years partly unfulfilled and feeling
distanced from their church. Hopefully
they will not feel thaI they are the
"undesirables." Hopefully they will be
told openly that they are valued for
who they really are, rather than being
a threat to family values . ..,.
KEITH CHALMERS, 76, is a m~mbcr ofth~
Unit~d M~fhodisf Church, with a dup
I Once Was a Liar:
reflections on growing up
gay in the 50s
David 1. Biviano
f once was a liar.
My whole life balanced
precariously on a
lie.
These feelings lie heavy
on the frail frame
of this frightened young boy.
Dread locks my mind in chains
and throws away the key
to the future.
Alone
like a lost fawn
after its mother has been
felled for sport.
Begin the lonely struggle
to win the gold medal
in the
"Best Little Boy in the World"
competition.
Olympian feats are futile
in the subterfuge.
Flee
beneath the oppressive orders:
Don't feel that way
Don't be that way
don't let the truth be known.
Pretend that "boy meets girl"
is your favorite
pubescent pastime too.
The Great Pretender
plays the gay,
lying
awake only to the dark fears
of discovery
David Biviano is a counselor and Ed.D.
candidate living in Washington state.
© 1990 Gay and Lesbian Advocacy
Research Project, Inc. First published in
Empathy, Vol. 2, No.2, 1990/91.
IS
'10,eE~
" floe
ElP~~
LIVING AN HONEST LIFE
I was born and raised in a strict
Christian tradition. That meant that
we did not dance, play cards or do
anything else on a Sunday that would
be blasphemous. I was in my early
teens when I began \0 sense my
homosexuality ahhough I didn '( know
the term. Boys were OK for baseball
games or riding bikes, but girls were
best for real companionship and
caring and sharing. I also sensed that
my feelings for Olher girls would send
me straight \0 hell. Religion can often
put a damper on reality.
All through high school 1 struggled
with my feelings. When I went to
college, I enjoyed my first love affair
with a woman. 8Ul the pressure of my
religious upbringing made me try to
find a niche in the heterosexual world.
I dated men and uied to fmd a
comfortable companion. I spent many
years trying to conform \0 society's
expeclations of what I should do.
I did find one man who was kind
and gentle enough for me 10 marry.
My marriage was OK for fifteen years
and two lovely children, bUl then the
next six years were spent trying 10 get
rid of headaches. Too many aspirin
finally led to mild anemia and the
beginnings of an ulcer. Only when I
confronted my husband with the
truth of who I was, was I on my way
to recovery.
I began to realize that I was born a
lesbian. There was nothing I could do
aboUl il. I had tried for thiny-rive years
to fit society's role for me and I was
killing myself over it The church had
told me I was a sinner, but the times I
felt closest \0 my God were when I
admitted my sexuality and tried 10 live
a decent life. When I gave up the lie, I
felt physically better and emotionally
happier.
I moved to California with my
children and divorced my husband.
My connection with the church died
after J had made the rounds of
Sacramento looking for a congrega-
16
by Ardelle Pearsall
lion that would accept me and found
none.
My spiritual life has been sustained
through reading and the care and
concern of many nongay people as
well as the support of the gay community.
Many, indeed most, of my gay
friends have a deep "'1>"1
As my body ages, I'm concerned
about becoming dependent on
someone else for physical care. In a
nursing or convalescent home, willi
feel comfortable in a straight community?
I am not very comfortable now.
spiritual understanding C rt'> . <l;:<>
and would enjoy the ( ~ " '/"I •
opport unity 10 share in ( I t "\ 1 -061
I wonder if my children will be as
supportive as I become less
independent?
I wonder
about the
funeral
service. Who
will do it? will
an accepting congrega- ( )' "1~"I'i" ~oO
tion. The anger and f'~~~~~;,~~("-':<;;;"'7§~ bitterness of our past
experiences make it
almost impossible for
us to find the
comfort, care, and
concern we need in
most mainstream
churches. The
fundamentalist
churches are our
worst enemies.
Ihe pastor be
- ----=- able to say the
So now I am
seven ty years old and
retired, living with my
parmer. Since I can no
longer be fired I have come out to
almost all my acquaintances. My
partner and 1 enjoy traveling around
the country in our fifth-wheel RV: Ufe
is good. I'm happier than I've ever
been- because I am living an honest
life.
But I'm trying to look to the future
as well as to the present. What lies
ahead for those of us who have spem
so many years in the closet? Many
thoughts and questions emerge.
What happens if I am in imensive
card Will my partner be able to visit
me? To insure that, I must fill out a
"Power of Attorney for Health Care.H
• A
~lega\" spouse would not even have 10
think about that. I have to.
I must be sure to word my will
correctly so my children will get their
share and my partner will also get her
share. I cannOl include my partner on
my insurance plan.
C::J::J right words to
.. ,
comfort my
survivors? How
open will she or
he be?
Some problems
of aging as a
lesbian are probably
not much different
from aging as a
straight woman.
However, it feels
different because we do not have the
support system of the straight world.
We feel we must fight every step of the
way for what should be our rights.
To know now that much of my life
has been spent in hiding from myself
makes me angry and resentful 3t
times. I would like to be judged on
what I do in public life, not on what I
do in the bedroom. That's pretty
much the way others are judged. Why
not us? '"
ARDELLE PEARSALL, 70, laugh/school for
twenty-five years in New York and Massar"'
T,ii ... ~r!'1 chusells, then mlrkerl as a
gardener Jor Jouruen years
after mo~ing 10 Sacmmento
in 1975. She was
married for twenly-one
years 10 a man who was an
ordained minister in the
United Methodist Church.
Open Hands
I:
IJDt~E~
" floe
El~E~~
fit Rememaltee
0.6 a 'OeM hieltd
Four years ago I lost my best
friend, Carol. Today I look back
and thank God for giving me this
special woman in my life.
We mel in the late 19405 bUl fate
played its hand and we wenl our
separate paths. Twelve years later onc
of her friends told me she was not
doing very well, and that made me
decide \0 locate her and renew our
friendship. From the beginning of our
relationship, I had felt a strong bond
between us and 1 set out to
prove it to myself, once and for
all.
When I knocked on her
door four hundred miles away
on a sunny day in December of
1959, we had a joyous reunion.
Although the visit was shon, it
was very profound - the
beginning of the rest of our
lives together.
The years had taken their
toll on Carol, but haVing
known her previously, I could
only see the person I had
known in the 1940s. She was
still as lOVing, caring, and
happy-go-lucky as I had
remembered her. Her smile
(an Irish one at that) would steal
anyone's heart away.
Carol had suffered many hardships
over the years. At twenty she had
survived polio and had gone on to live
a totally self-suffic ient life. But when I
renewed my relationship with her in
1959 she was on the brink oflosing
her job. She had developed serious
seizure problems. She was eventually
discharged (in the 1960s) from a highpaying
position to total disability
without an option of ever ~orking
again as long as she lived,She \\laS
declared ~unfit to work among normal
employees" because of haVing one
seizure on the job)
Carol was fony-eight years old
when she finally became resigned to
her fa te. With my persistence she
moved to my city to share her life and
Fall 1992
all that she possessed with me. Her
condition had cost her her job, her
independence and her self-esteem.
But I believed in her and vowed to
care for her as long as she lived,
hoping I would survive her. Fortunately,
I did.
We bought and shared a modest
home together and were happy for the
next twenty years. Carol1ived a very
normal and fairly healthy life too,
thanks to the wonderful care of local
speCialists.
The last five
years were sad
f and debilitating for my
friend. Along with chronic lung
problems, she developed Post-Polio
Syndrome and in the end she succumbed
to a massive stroke.
The task of caring for Carol during
those five years was mine and I believe
I took it in stride, although some
times were very frustrating and even
difficult. But our love for each other
survived the insunnountable ohst<lc\es
which confronted us during her last
days.
I thank God for giving me such a
wonderful friend and for the privilege of
caring for her in her time of need. ~
The author of this article. 69, is very active
in her local church and fears rejection by
some she considers friends if her identity were
known. As a re_Iu'lt of the years spent caring
for her loving partner, she 'lOW provides
respife care for people who have Iolal
responsibility for the care of a loved one.
ORGANIZATIONAL
SAMPLING
ASA
(Society on Aging)
833 Market Street, Suite 512
San Francisco, CA 94103
415/882-2910
A pioneer in lesbian and gay aging issues.
Helped found NALGG in 1974; cosponsored
1992 conference on "Diversity w~h a Differ·
ence: Serving 3 Million Aging Gays and lesbians";
recently established own Task Force on
lesbian and Gay Aging Issues.
GALAXY
(Gay & Lesbian Accommodations for the
Experienced in Years)
3507 23rd Street
San Francisco, CA 94110
415/648-8678
Provides advocacy on housing in the Bay
area,
GLOE
(Gay & lesbian Outreach to Elders)
1853 Market Street
San Francisco, CA 94103
415/62&-7000
Offers information and referrals; social ActMties;
educational programs; support groups;
in-home SUppcH't lor frail elders; women's ac·
tivities, and bereavement support.
NAlGG
(National Association for Lesbian & Gay
Gerontology)
1853 Market Street
San Francisco, CA 94103
"Promotes responsible research, publicatk)ns,
networking, service advocacy, and delivery
programs for lesbians and gay elders.~ Offers
a 37-page Resource Guide on Lesbian and
Gay Aging.
OLOC
(Old Lesbians Organizing for Change)
P.O. Box 980422
Houston, TX 77093
Dedicated to confronting ageism; has Contact
Persons and Area Support Tearns in many
states; published The FacilitiJtor's Handbook
On Confronting Ageism for Leshlans 6f)
and Over.
SAGE
(Senior Action in a Gay Environment)
208 West 12th Street
New York, NY 10011
212/741-2247
Provides support for homebound gay and
lesbian seniors; a Public Education, Advocacy
and Media program; an AIDS and Elderly
Program; a seniors' social and educational
center,
17
~f4~t"'f"f"S
tt.e ~'f'it
H arry and Herman had lived in
the big, brick house on the hill
in Willow Bluff for almost half a
century. Some assumed that they were
bachelor brothers, but the old timers
will tell you that neither of them are
natives. Herman ca me up from Texas
in the late thirties to lake over the feed
mill when Jim Kinnamen died. Harry
was from somewhere out East -
Delaware or New Jersey. He worked
for Herman in the mill, delivering feed
and keeping books, until the war
came. They tried to enlist together
after Pearl Harbor in '41. Herman was
accepted and went on to win Ihe silver
SlaT in the Baule of the Bulge. Harry
had a bad eye, so he stayed home and
ran the feed mill for Hennan_ When
Herman came home from the war,
near the end of '43, business was
booming, and he made Harry a full
partner. That was when they bought
the old Einersen place up on the hill
and moved in together. After a few
years, folks just came to accept that
neither of them was ever going to
marry.
Harry and Herman started going to
church in '49, just after the addition
was built, when Reverend Swingle was
pastor. Harry immediately joined the
choir. He had a beautifultcnor voiee,
and when people found out he could
sing he became the soloist of choice at
most weddings and funerals. Kate
Swarrnford used to say that Harry had
the voice of an angel, and she made
her family promise that when she died
they would ge t Harry to sing ~The
Lord's Prayer" and "K-K-K-Katie" at
her funeral. They kept their promise,
and Harry sang both songs jusl the
way she wanted. That.....-as one funeral
in Willow Bluff that no one ever
forgol.
Herman became active on the
church Board of Trustees. He was
often seen over at the church, after
work and on Saturday mornings,
18
ANNIVERSARY
by John ~umW8ll
A slory .. ermon bared on Psalm 24,3-6
repairing the roof, painting the trim,
or puttering with the furnace. When
they installed the new pipe organ in
'55, the Trustees dec ided tha t, whi le
they we re at it, they might as well
renovate the whole sanctuary. It was
Herman who headed up the renovation
comminee. They made him
chairman of the Trustees the follOWing
year, a position he was to hold for over
thirty years. He had a way of recruIting
the right people for a job and
organizing them so that things got
done in good order.
Their announce~ent on World
Communion Sunday came as a
surprise 10 the congregation and was
the source of much puzzlemem and
consternation in the weeks that
followed. Herman stood up during
the time for sharing joys and concerns
and said, ..'Harry and I would like 10
invite everyone to attend our firtie th
anniversary celebration on Ihe
nineteenth of November. There will be
an announcement in the pape r, but
we aren't sending any fonnal inv'ilations.
We hope you will all be able to
come. We've ordered one of those
triple-decker cakes from the baker)~
and Harry is planning to sing."
The puzzling began as soon as
HermaJ;.- sat dOWJ;l. "Anniversary,of
what?" Mildr~Hersey whispered to
her daughter Gyneth, loud enough for
naif of the congregation to hear.
Gyneth shr.ugged her shoulders and
whispe red back, "I don't know.~ No
one seemed to kngw. When the paper
came out that Tuesday with Herman
and Harry's picture on the front page,
the whole tow n began to buzz. The
announcement simply read, "Herman
Fisker and Harry Beechum cordially
inv ite you to attend their fiftieth
anniversary celeb ration on Sunday,
November 19, at 2:00 P.M., in the
community room at the church.~
"I don't understand it,~ Mildred
said to her neighbor, Eunice Criven.
~
"It didn't say nftieth anniversary of
their business or their partnership.
You don't suppose they are ... " She
couldn't bring herself to finish the
sentence . The very thought was
abhorrent to her. "To think that they
have been carrying on like that here in
Willow Bluff for fifty years. 1 can tell
you right now that I'm not going to
any anniversary party like that!"
The follOWing Sunday, Herman sat
alone in his usual pew in the center of
the sanctuary. No one sat near him
and no one greeted him before or after
the service. Harry sat with the other
tenors in the choir loft, and they
spoke to him politely, but there was
no joking and laughing as there
usually was, and no one said a word
about the anniversary celebration. It
went on like that for several weeks.
People began to wonder why Herman
and Harry continued coming 1O
church. There was even some talk
about fonnally asking them to
withdraw their memberships.
On the Sunday before the anniversary
celebration the organist, Gena
Percy, stood up duringjoys and
concerns and asked the pastor if she
could say something to the congrega·
tion . The pastor nodded and Gena
stepped out from behind the organ
bench, walked over to the center aisle,
and with her hands visib ly trembling,
began to speak '" want to thank
> Hennan and Harry for what they have
done. It has given me the courage to
say something that I have wanted to
say for a long time. I am a lesbian. I
am not ashamed to tell you that now,
even though I know that many of you
will not understand. I have struggled
with who I am for years and years, and
after much prayer, and the support of
severa l dear friends, I have come to
accept all that I am as a gift of God. I
don't know why God made me this
way. 1 have often wished that it could
have been otherwIse. There have been
Open Hands
times when I ha ve wanted to curse
God because of th e way 1 have been
treated . Bu t I don't feel that way
anymore. I think playing th e organ in
worship has helped. Pra ising God
with this beautiful inst rument is the
grea lestjoy of my life. 1 thank you all
for the privil ege of serving God as
your ch urch organist. "
There was no whi spering when
Gena returned to the bench behind
the orga n. No o ne could remember
when the church had been so q uiet,
except perhaps at fun era ls. It was a
ho ly silence. Everyone who was
present knew that he or she had
witnessed something ext raordin ary,
and even though they were all
shocked and troubled by what Gena
had said , they could not bring
themselves to condemn her. To have
do ne so would have been to deny
what they clearly saw in her face as
cake fo r severa l months. But by 2: 15
the room wa s fun and people were still
coming Afler they had open ed th eir
gifts, and Hennan had made a liule
speech thanking everyone for comi ng
and saying so me of th e usual things
about what a blessing it was La have so
ma ny faithful friends, Harry announced
that he had a song he would
like 10 sha re . He walked over to the
piano, where Gena was already sea ted,
and after she played the introduction,
he smiled at Herman and began 10
sing in his sweet tenor voice:
For all th ese years, these friends
and thes e blessing s, we give you all
pra ise mighty God .
For trials , temptations, and
hardships overcome, we thank you,D
Lord, our SlIlvation .
For this holy union of sinners
forgiven . redeemed, tran sform ed,
SlInctified;
For grace all sufficient. sustaining,
maintaining our love all these years,
thank you God . ...
JOHN SUMWALT, 41, is paSlorof Wes!ey Unit ed Methodist Church ,
Kenos ha , Wisconsin and a member ojT.AL.E.S. story tdlingguild . He is the
autho r af Lectionary Stories, Cycles A, B & c.
Music was compostd by Kern Sherwood, Direc lor oj Musi c, Wesle y Umltd
Methodis t Church, Kenosha, Wi sconsin.
All righlS to story and music re ta in ed byau/hors.
One lime permis5ion granud .
she spoke: somet hing holy, rr=,;,,============================"'>!
something that they had no words
to descnbe, but that they knew
was of God .
Others would co nd em n her
whe n word got out tha t Willow
Bluff Community Church had a
lesbian organist, but they would
not. She was one o f their own .
They had wa tc hed her grow up,
seen her baptized a nd conflnned
with their own children and
grandchildren; they knev.r her
parents and her gra nd pare nts, her
aunts and uncles, her brothers
and her siste r. They were all
members of the c hurch , too.
Whateve r else she was, she was
thei r Gena. Nothing could change
that. When one of the nev.rcomers
wondered aloud if Gena woul d be
allowed to co ntin ue playing the
organ, the question was me t wilh
a stony silence.
Herman and Har ry decorated
the community room wi th cre pe
paper the fol lOWing Sa turday
n ight. The next day, at 1:45, they
stood at the door in th eir rented
tuxedos, wailing to see if anyone
would come. Ha rry said he was
willing to bel his next socia l
security check that they would be
f~
Anniversary
MUSiC by Kerri E. Sherwood
Words by John E. Sumwalt
y" ", 11 .... •• lend. , .. th . .. bl ... _ Ing. .. 0 , ~ o
r J ,I - n tJ7D r
.11 p •• I.. mlghl _ y God.. Fo. I. I .11, lemp I. - lion •• nd , ~ .. ,
L3 QD J EJ J
. n dured. ., Ih.nk you. 0 lo.d. our .. I _
o ~ 0 ,,- " [ I 841 r l_fEI n 1 r U r r E
n _lion. Fo. IhI.ho - Iy un _Io n ot.ln _ no .. 10. ,,, . 'm. ..
~
d .. m .... Irani . 10 ........ line . " . lI.d . ,., g.ec •• 11 luI ." _ cl.nt, '0'
0 Om ..
i j tp J FJ I F9 • . .
,.'n . In g. mll n t .l n '"0 '"' Ion '" the n yea ,., think ,,0
0 .. 0
G O J '=pH r ... '0' loy. '" thu. yurs, thank ,.0 """
eating freezer burnt anniversary i!;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;!.1
r-all 1992 19
Resources
LESBIANS AND GAY MEN AND AGING
Adelman, Marcy, Ed. Long Time
Passing: Lives of Older lesbians.
Boston: A1yson Publications, 1986.
Twenty-two stories of old lesbians
from various classes, races, professions
and pans of the country.
Berger, Raymond M. Gay and Gray:
The Older Homosexual Man.
Boston: Alyson Publications, 1982
Report of research and interviews
of ten older gay men.
Berzon & Leighton. Posifively Gay:
New Approaches. Millbrae, CA;
Celestial ArLS, 1979. Has chapters
on lesbians and gay male aging.
Doress, Paula Brown and Diana
Laskin Siegel and the Midlife Older
Women Book ProjeCl. Ourselves,
Growing Older: Women Aging
With Knowledge and Power. New
York: Simon &: Schuster, 1987. A
handbook on aging for women:
includes discussion of lesbian
aging throughout; limited discussion
of ageism.
Dynes, Wayne R., Ed. Encyclopedia oj
Homosexuality. NY: Garland
Publishing. 1990. Includes several
references to aging and ageiSm.
Golden Threads, P.O. Box 3177,
Burlington VT 05401 . A contact
magazine for lesbians over fifty.
Hamburger, LisaJ .. Katrina Fullman
and Ellen Ferwerda, Producers. The
Place I Call Home. Elk Productions,
1992. A video on gay and
lesbian seniors. their lives. homes,
hopes and fears. 10 min. Available
from NALGG, 1953 Market st., San
Francisco. CA 94103.
Hubbard, Will. "Lesbian and Gay
Aging: Deconslructing Closets in
Rural America," RFD 68:50-53.
Hubbard, Will. "Lesbian and Gay
Aging: Exploring Myths," Blue
20
Ridge Lnmbda Press (November 1
and December), 1991).
Hubbard, Will. ~ Invisible Minorities:
Older Lesbians and Gay Men,"
New River Free Press 9( 1991):7.
Kehoe, Monika. Lesbians Over 60
Speak Jor Themselves. New York:
Harrington Park Press/The
Haworth Press, 1989. Results of a
study begun in 1983 on what it is
like lO be old and lesbian in our
society.
Lee,John Alan. Gay, Midlifeand
Maturity. New York: Harrington
Park Press/The Haworth Press,
1991. Myths about gay men and
accelerated aging; sexual attitudes
and behaviors of older gay men; a
theory of successful aging.
Macdonald, Barbara with Cynthia
Rich. Look Me In The Eye: Old
Women, Aging and Ageism. San
Francisco: Spinsters/ Aunt Lute,
1983. Essays and reflections on
aging and ageism as women
experience them.
Sang, Barbara,joyce Warshaw and
AdrienneJ. Smith, Eds. Lesbians at
Mid/ife: The Creative Trans ition.
San Francisco: Spinsters, 1991.
Anthology by and about forty to
sixty year old lesbians of various
races and ethnic backgrounds.
Includes slOries, poems, research,
essays, reflections. A chapter on
legal documents.
Sullivan, Andrew. "Gay Life, Gay
Death," The New Republic. Decem·
ber 17, 1990. Examines age
difrerences, race differences and
differences in H1V status.
Vacha, K. Quiet Fire: Memoirs oj
Older Gay Men. New York:
Crossing Press, 1985. A collection
of interviews with older gay men.
Out of print.
GENERAL AGING RESOURCES
Bell, Marilyn]., Ed. Women as Elders:
Images, Visions. and Issues. New
York: Haworth Press, 1986. A
feminist perspective on aging
women and their concerns. Topics
include retirement, health care, and
issues of policy and politics. 99 pp.
Friedan, Betty. The Fountain oj Age.
New York: Simon &" Schuster. To
be published in 1993. By the year
2000, Friedan sees a new "revolution
in consciousness about aging
and the role of older persons in
ru.S.Jlife. Age ... will be redefined
as a new stage in human development,
not as lost youth." (AARP
Bulletin, September 1992, p. 20)
UPCOMING EVENT!
The national conference of the
American Society on Aging
March 27-30, 1993
Chicago Hilton Hotel'&? Towers
Call 415/882-2910 ior more iniormation
Open Hands
•
RCPReport
Welcome New RCs
Nine new congregations have voted
to become Reconciling Congregations
(Res) since August 1, bringing the
natiooaltotal to sixty-two. We
imroduce five of these new Res
here.The other four will be introduced
in the next issue of Open Hands.
MayfairUMC
(Chicago,lIlinois)
Mayfair UMC's vote to become a
Reconciling Congregation on August
6 was the culmination of fifteen
months of prayer, study, and selfexamination.
One member noted: "We
discovered we already were an RC -
we simply had not publicly declared
it. Now we have!"
Located on Chicago's conservative
northwest side, Mayfair has experienced
a mmsformation during the
past decade. In 1982, the congregation
was mostly comprised of elderly and
latc middle-aged persons. Defying the
myth that older congregations are
resistant to change, Mayfair's members
were open to new ideas and new
leadership. This openness began to
aUract new persons of diverse
backgrounds, ages, and family styles.
Mayfair's faithfulness and welcoming
attitude convened it from a dying
urban church into a vital and growing
congregation in time for its centennial
celebration in 1990.
UMC 01 Osterville
(Oste!ville, Massachusetts)
Located on Cape Cod, ninety miles
from Boston, Osterville is most like a
suburban community. although it is
not easy to categorize.
The congregation has grown
rapidly in recent years with a large
influx of young families. Current
membership is 400 members, with
300 altending worship each Sunday.
The church school and the youth
Fall 1992
program are also growing. Most adult
members have auained a high level of
fonnal education.
The congregation is active on the
mission front. Most recently, the youth
group traveled to South Carolina to
build houses.
Osterville's interest in the RCP was
initiated by its Outreach Committee.
Osterville has been the host for the
Cape Cod chapter of Affirmation.
First St John's UMC
(San Francisco, Cal~omia)
First St. John's is one of lhe oldest
Protestant churches in nonhern
California. It is a predominately
minority congregation with a Mandarin-
speaking fellowship and many
English-speaking Asian·Americans.
Other minority groups are also
induded among its seventy·eight
members.
First St.John's was the first ~Peace
with Justicen congregation (a program
of the United Methodist Board of
Church and Society) in its conference.
It also served as a sanctuary for
military resisters during the Persian
Gulf crisis. Church members have
traveled to Central America to support
peacemaking
The congregation has shared its
building with the Golden Gate
congregation of the Metropolitan
Community Church.
First UMC
(COIVallis, Oregon)
Located across the street from
Oregon State University, First UMC
has a long-time connection with this
university. Many university faculty and
staff are among its 950 members. The
campus ministry relates to the
congregation.
First UMC has a strong emphasis
on community outreach, hOUSing a
day care center and play school. The
congregation recently completed a
major renovation project to make its
facilities handicapped·accessible.
First UMCs two full-time clergy,
half-lime educator, and other part·
time staff oversee a wide·ranging
program to meet the needs of a
congregation which covers the full
spectrum of ages. Each Sunday both a
contemporary style and traditional
worship service are held.
Trinity UMC
(Austin, Texas)
Trinity UMC was founded in 1946
in a new suburb of Austin. After a
surge of growth in the 1950s, the
congregation entered a downward
spiral which ended about six years
ago.
At that lime a consultant assisted
(hem in developing a long-tenn plan.
In order to attract younger families,
the congregation began a Parents
Night Out program.
Trinity now has a membership of
250, with an average of 120 persons in
worship on Sunday. Many new
members were community activists of
the 1960s who have not related to a
church in the past. These members
are actively engaged in a wide array of
community ministries, such as
Habitat for Humanity, Reading is
Fundamental, Haircuts for Homeless.
The congregation recently restructured
its decision-making style, using
teams rather than the traditional
committees. An alternative worship
experience based upon creationcentered
spirituality draws forty-five
persons each week. The pastor reports
that the Uheart of Trinity" is its prayer
time.
We welcome these five new
Reconciling Congregations with their
rich diversity to our growing reconcil·
ing movement.
21
l I
Presbyterian High Court
"Sets Aside" Spahr's Call
The Rev. Dr. Jane Spahr's caU to
serve as one of the co-pastors of
Downtown United Presbyterian
Church in Rochester, New York was
~set aside~ by the PennanentJudicial
Commission of the denomination in
early November. Their decision was a
somewhat surprising conclusion to a
church drama which unfolded over
the past year.
In the fall of 1991, the Downtown
Presbyterian congregation (a More
light Church) voted overwhelmingly
to call Spahr as one of its co-pastors.
Spahr had been recommended
unanimously by its nominating
commitlee. The congregation was
fully infonned throughout the process
that she was in a commil1ed relationship
with another woman.
Spahr's call was immediately
challenged by ten pastors in the
Genesee Valley Presbytery in the
Rochester area. However, the
presbytery upheld the congregation
lastJanuary by a vote of 105 to 66.
Opponents appealed this decision to
the Northeast Synod of the Pennanent
Judicial Commission which once
again upheld the congregation by a 9
to 1 vote last July. The General
.Assembly Permanent Judicial Com"
mission was the final step to which
Spahr's opponents could appeal.
When the United Presbyterian
Church adopted its ban on the
ordination of homosexual persons in
1978, a "grandparent" clause was also
approved, exempting any gay or
lesbian clergy who had been ordained
before that time. The call to Spahr was
believed to be within the bounds of
Presbyterian law, since she was
ordained in 1974.
However, the Permanent Judicial
Commission, by a vote of 12 to 1,
overturned the intent of the grandpar-
I •
Join thousands of Lesbians and Gays who are enjoying
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Meet brave men and women who are confronting
social injustice and religious bigotry. Explore
family and relationship issues. Find out about life
changing retreats and other fellowship opportunities.
Second Stone feels like family. Order your subscription
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YESt Begin my subscription to
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currency.
ent clause by ruling thaI lesbian or gay
clergy who were ordained before 1978
would still have to abide by church
law adopted thereafter. Therefore, as
Spahr noted, the choice is "to repent
or be celibate or lie."
Downtown Presbyterian Church
issued a statement saying that: "The
Rev. Jane Spahr will always be a part of
our family of faith. Lesbian, gay, and
-:- bisexual persons have served Christ's
Church faithfully throughout the ages.
Please join your prayers with ours -
that one day God will open the hearts
of the whole church to receive their
gifts."
: % You are encouraged to send letters
of support to the Downtown Presbyterian
Church (121 N. Fitzhugh Street,
Rochester, NY 14616) andJane Spahr
(c/o Spectrum, 1000 Sir Francis
Drake Blvd., San Anselmo, CA 94960).
[ I 3 Years, $36.00 Engaging Features & Columns
Name _____________________ ___
Address ______________________ _
City, State, ZIP ________ _
News from Gay Christian Groups
Ncwsbriefs I Calendar I Book Review
SECOND Sl'ONE, Box 8340, New Orleans, LA 70182 Hctreats, Travel & New friends
22 Open Hands
Changes in Open Hands
Not resting on our laurels from the
Award of Merit which Open Hands
received from the Associated Church
Press, we are moving forward on ~ral
fronts to enhance Open Hands and to
sustain its long-tenn development.
First, we have instituted a new
editorial arrangement with a single
editor. We arc pleased to welcome Mary
Jo Ostennan as the new editor
of 0pa1 Hands . Mary Jo has a
long history of invONcment with
the reconciling movement. Mary
Jo earned a Ph.D. in religion
from Nonhwestern University
and taught Christian Education
at Garrett-Evangelical Theological
Seminary. From 1982-91 she
senul as the director of
Kinhean, a lesbian/feminist
women's center in Evanston,
illinois which she founded with
her late panner, Phyllis Athey.
Among her dUlles there, Mary
background and creative gifts will be a
boon to Open Hands.
Second, we have brmed an interdenominational
editOrial advisory
committee comprised of persons from
the "welcoming" programs in the various
denominations. This committee will
meet annually to evaluate the magazine
and to recommend the themes and
content of future issues. Committee
Finally, beginning with the Winter
1993 issue, Open Hands will officially
become interdenominational. The More
Li ht Churches Ne twork P n),
nan fmnin churches United
Church of ChrisQ, an Reconciled in
Christ churches (Lutheran) are joining
l1le Reconciling COngrega tion Program
as publishers of the magazine. In order
to cover this wkler range of concerns, the
size of the magazine will be
increased from twenty -four to
thirty-two pages (at no exIra cost
to you!). While the other
programs will underwrite the
additional expenses of the larger
magazine, the Reconciling Congregation
Program will continue
to provide the primary fmandal
support for the magazine .
Jo developed resources and led
workshops on eradicating
homophobia in the church. She
recently relocated lO Colorado
Beck Row (left to right) Dick Poole (RIC), Brad RyfIllh (ReP), (>aU Sanlilan (Rep).
Mary J:l Osterman (00 EditOl"), Mark Bowman (Rep Coordinator), AM Marie Coleman
(ONA), Dan Hooper (RIC), Emil"IO PI.Iv&r (RIC).
These changes are intended
to sel in place an editorial process
to ensure the continuation
of the high-quality tradition of
Open Hands, to strengthen the
bonds within the «welcoming"
movement across denominational
Hnes, and to broaden the
subscriber base and thereby
ensure the long-term. financial
viability of Open Hands . As
where she is beginning her own
business, AlIerVJsions, through
Front Row (lett to right) Peg Seissert (Ml), Derli:k KrI<l.dli (Ml), Garolir.e PresneU
(ReP), Reva Anderson (W), Dan SIem tONAl. Photo by Bert Gamer
which she offers workshops, tminmg
events, support groups and ncv.r
resources on homophobia, heterosexism
and coming out issues. Mary Jo's ric h
members will be av<iilable to advise and
assist the editor during the course of the
these changes unfold in the co ming
months, we continue to welcome your
feedback After all, Open Hands is
published for you.
Y""
• Rep FRIEND. Rep ANGEL. Rep FRIEND. Rep ANGEL. Rep FRIEND. Rep ANGEL. Rep FRIEND.
RCP Board Plans Annual Campaign To Sustain Program Growth
The Reconciling Congregation Program (Rep) is growing.
Nine congregations havc joined the program since August I.
Severn l more congregations are scheduled to vote in the next few
months. At least 200 more churches arc In various stages of
becoming Reconciling Congrcgat ions. The Open Hands' list has
grown by 75 percentln the past eighteen months_ The third
national convocation of Reconciling Congregations will draw
about 300 persons 10 Washington, D.C. next July. The program
now has a nationa l office and a full-time coordinator.
Sustaining this growth of our movement and responding 10
ever-increasing interest requires increased financial resources. To
provide this needed financial suppon the Board will launch an
annual campaign in 1993, to raise at least $65,000 from
individuals and families to support the national ministries of the
RCP. Meeting this goal would represent a 23 pe rcent increase
over projected contributions for 1992.
The campaign has two aspe cts. First, Optn Hands' subscribers
will be invited to become RCP Friends when they renew
their subscriptions. A basic friend's contribution of $35 will
cover the full cost of publisning an annual subscription plus
r-all 1992
provide a small contribution toward other program costs. This
will free up program fund s which are now used to subsidize
Open Hands . The Board's goal for 1993 is at least 250 RCP
Friends.
Second, th e Board witt be inviting RCP Angels to make
annual pledges of $100 to $5,000 for 1993. Currently 150
individuals and families pledge monthly or make contributions
annually in that range_
The Board invites you to consider prayerfully the value of
th e continued growth of the RC movement to you and to the
church and to decide whether you would be willing to become
an Rep Friend or RCP Angel.
You wHl be invited to become an RCP friend with the next
rencv.'31 of your Open Hands' subscription. Current donors Will
receive a specialletlcr inJanuar}' inviting them 10 become RCP
Angels. But you don't have to walt to be askedl Yo u can help
launc h this program for 1993 by making a contribution of $35
or more bdore the end of 1992_ Upon doing so, you'll be
considered a charter member of RCP Friends.
23
_ J
I
ARIZONA
Tu>con
St. Francis in the Foothills
CALIfORNIA
Albany
Albany UMC
Btrkdty
Trinity UMC
Fair Oaks
Fair Oaks UMC
Fresno
WesleyUMC
HQllywood
Hollywood UMC
Los Angeles
United Urll~-ersily
Wilshire UMC
Wesley Found.uion UCLA
Milpitas
Sunnyhills UMC
San Francisw
Bethany UMC
Calvary UMC
First SI_john's UMC
Hamilton UMC
Trinity UMC
Santa Monica
Church in Ocean Park
Vacaville
SI. Paul's UMC
W/:Sl HollYwood
Crescent Heights UMC
COLORADO
l)cn,.-er
51. Paul's UMC
DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA
Washington
Chrisl UMC
Dumbanon UMC
RECONCIUNG CONGREGATIONS
GEORGIA
Atlanta
Grant Park.Aldersgatt: UMC
ILLINOIS
Chicago
Albany Park UMC
Irving Park UMC
Mayfair UMC
Parish of the Holy Covcnant
United Church of Rogers Park
EvanSlOn
Hemenway UMC
Wheadon UMC
Oak Parh
Euclid Avenue UMC
Winfield
Winfield UMC
IOWA
Des Moines
Trinity UMC
KANSi\S
MiSSIon
ecumenikos
LOUISIANA
N(w Orkans
51. Mark's UMC
MARYLAND
Bc:thimorc
Stjohn's UMC
MASSACHUSETTS
Dan~us
Holy Trinity UMC
Osterville
UMC of Osterville
MINNESOTA
Minneapolis
Prospect l',1rk UMC
Walker Community UMC
Wesley UMC
MISSOURI
Kansas City
Kairos UMC
NEW YORK
Brooklyn
Park Slope UMC
Our)"i"e
Craryville UMC
New York
Church of St. Paul (,: 51. Andrew
Metropolitan·Duane UMC
Washington Square UMC
OnWn!a
Firsl UMC
OHIO
Columbus
Third A'"enue Community Church
Toledo
Central UMC
OREGON
Corvollis
First UMC
Es/aCllda
Estacada UMC
Port/and
Metanoia Peace Community
University Park UMC
PENNSYLVANIA
Philadelphia
Calvary UMC
First UMC of Germantown
TENNESSEE
Nasnville
Edgehill UMC
TEXAS
Austin
Trinity UMC
HOU$lon
Bering Memorial UMC
WASHINGTON
Stallle
Capitol Hill UMC
Wallingford UMC
WISCONSIN
Madison
University UMC
Shebo)gan
Wesley UMC
Reconciling Conferences
California·NCWKIa
New York
Northern J1linois
T,oy
Reconciling Commission
General Commission on Christian
Unily and Interreligious Concerns
Reconciling Organization
Methodist Federation for Social
Action
ANNOUNCING
The Third National Convocation of Reconciling Congregations
1'0rne on t&e l'reat& of -god 0 ~+\l ~ ~)
Rememberln9 • Renewln9 • Reformln9 • Returnln9 ~, ~
'- ~ Q r
July 8-11, 1993 A\~ \
at George Washington University ) ~ c "" ~
downtown Washington, D.C. .....:..'#'- f "..::::::..:::; - ..:--";j
Plan now to join members of Reconciling Congregations, "exploring" congregations
and other friends of the reconciling movement for this exhilarating weekend of:
• spirit-filled worship • challenging Bible study
• training for reconciling ministries • small group dialogue
• dynamic speakers • joyous celebration
Special programs for children and youth
Complete program and registration information available in January, 1993.
24 Open Hands